When facing an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy, sometimes it helps to read the story shared by a woman who experienced the same journey. Our hope is it helps you make a decision for life. We’re here if you need to talk. Just click the chat button or call the Live Help 800 number.
Kassie’s Adoption Journal
Kassie wasn’t expecting to get pregnant. Like many women who experience unplanned pregnancies, she had to consider all of her pregnancy options. Throughout the process, she kept a journal, writing it to her baby.
March – Today is the day I never expected. Not now, not this way. I am staring at the pregnancy test, the one I took three times last week. But today, you were confirmed. The doctor says you are healthy. How can he know, you haven’t even been alive for a month, but still, something inside me feels you are here for a reason? I have thought about getting rid of you. I don’t think I have it in me. I don’t know where we will go from here, but I hope it works out. I am scared and a little lonely, but something about you brings me comfort.
April – I talked with your father today. He doesn’t want you. I think he would love you; how could anybody not love you. But he won’t pick up the phone anymore. He says he will pay for me to get an abortion. I told him I can’t. My family doesn’t know about you yet, I am waiting to tell them. You have two brothers and a sister. They don’t know either. I started thinking about a name for you, but then I stopped. I am afraid I will not be the parent you should have.
May – I love you. You are getting bigger; I am gaining weight. I can’t afford rent this month. I am not sure how I will take care of you. My friends say they would keep you. I wish your father would have stayed around; it would have been easier then. I am starting to cry a lot. My family is worried about me. I don’t talk much about you. I am starting to doubt my decisions. I want you to know I want the best for you.
June – I called an adoption agency today. I talked to them for a long time. They are texting me info on waiting adoptive families to look at. I am confused and sad, but maybe there is a reason for it all. You are starting to move around. I talked to my family today. They think that adoption might be a good idea. I guess they are supportive. I still wish there was something I could do to make it work out. Maybe I will buy a lottery ticket.
July – I was nervous about talking to the adoptive family today. I want them to like you. They seem nice and their pictures are really cute. I can write to you as often as I want and even see you. They live in the country with a big house. You would have a sister. All I want for you is to be happy and grow up loved. I started writing you a letter today to tell you how I feel. I will miss you.
August – I talked with another woman today who placed her baby for adoption four years ago. She said the first year is the hardest. She said she knows her baby is healthy and happy and she gets pictures all the time. She told me to keep loving you, even when it hurts. I think that was good advice. She said I will cry a lot and I will miss you, but she also said that healing takes time, and that you will have a beautiful life. I feel a little better.
September – I talked with your dad today. He knows about the adoption plan, he doesn’t want to know about the family, but he said he will sign the papers. I wish you could have known him a little bit, but I hope you don’t grow up like him. Your adoptive family called again. They are sending a baby blanket for when I deliver. Sometimes I get really confused about everything. I wonder about the life I could give you, and I wonder about watching you grow up. I wish I could make it work, but I know I can’t give you what you need. Sometimes I wish I could make everything go away.
October – Today was a good day. You kicked a lot. I met the adoptive family. We went to the park. It was beautiful, and they are really nice. We talked a lot about your name. I think you will like them. They brought pictures of their pets and I met your sister. She is five. She talked to you and pressed her little hand on my stomach. She said she loved you. I hope you could hear her. The adoptive family will be there at the hospital. I am getting a little nervous and a little excited.
November – I am ready to be done now. There are still a lot of emotions going on. The hardest thing is dealing with my family. They think I don’t love you, but that’s not true. I love you so much! I want you to have everything that I can’t give you. I wish you were old enough to understand. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope that one day you will learn that this was the most unselfish decision I have ever made.
December – I delivered you today. You are beautiful. Somehow, I thought it would be different with the adoptive family there. They love you already. I love you still. I watched you smile and wondered if you will look like that ten years from now. I got to hold you and say my goodbyes and I stayed up to watch you sleep. There is a lot I wish I could say, but somehow words don’t seem to be enough. They will make a good family, and you will be a good daughter, and I hope when I see you, you will remember me. I am keeping your baby footprints and your ID bracelet and even though it hurts, I know in my heart that this is the right choice.
Kassie completed her adoption plan and continues to keep in touch with her daughter and the parents she chose. They get together once or twice a year and communicate mostly through social media.
Kassie’s story is an excerpt from So I Was Thinking About Adoption…, written by Mardie Caldwell, C.O.A.P. This book, written for pregnant women who need to consider all of their options, is available as a free download for any pregnant mom. Caldwell founded Lifetime Adoption in 1986, an adoption agency that serves clients nationwide, helping pregnant women and families come together for a modern, open adoption.