What would you do?

[takenandhappy]

I think i posted about 3 months ago that my bf cheated while i was pregnant. And the girl got pregnant a little bit later. I had asked him if i was gonna get a note saying its his, and he said he was dead sure its not because she is married now and hooked up with a guy right after him. I got over it eventually and hoped never to hear from her again or hear even her name again. Yesterday i get a message saying she's positive its his and she wants him to take a dna test.

I have been worried for 2 days and im really hoping its not his, even though im sure myself it probably is. Because im not married to him, and we have only been together 2 years, i know they cant hold me responsible for his child support. But what should i do? What would you do if you found this out? I am angry because i am going to feel like i have 2 kids now, because he says if its his, he wants to have her over & considering he hardly helps out with our own unless he has to, i will feel like a mother of 2 and that will drive me nuts.

What advice do you have for me? I need all i can get.


PS. HER meaning the baby girl she had.

[ColtsFan1912]

I have no advice to be honest. I am sorry. I would not stay with him to be honest. That is one thing i refuse to tolerate ever again, cheating. esp getting a girl pregnant (maybe) while you were. ..(((hugs)))

[RachEM]

We've been down the cheating road, but I don't know how I'd have handled it if she'd gotten pregnant. Another constant reminder, that you have to take care of even.. no thanks. Even if the lady gave up custody to you guys completely, because the babies are so close in age, when you're out and about you'd be explaining to people that he had an affair and this is the other woman's kid. Personally I don't need any reminders I remember well enough on my own, and I certainly don't need to go around telling every stranger I meet personal info about my marriage.

So I'd wait for the result, see what it says. But probably you're better off without him (since he doesn't even help out the kid he's already got). Besides, I'd be a little concerned/annoyed that he was like "no way, no way, not mine!" when he had sex with her so how could he know the baby wasn't his? He should have dealt with it and figured out if baby was his then, if he were the responsible type.

[queenj919]

What I would I do? I would leave him because I would not trust him any more. It wouldn't matter if the baby was his or not.

[mla]

I don't think my relationship would survive that. I'd be figuring out my exit strategy.

[Shanna(h)]

Originally Posted by queenj919

What I would I do? I would leave him because I would not trust him any more. It wouldn't matter if the baby was his or not.

This. IMHO once a cheater, always a cheater.

[proudmommaof4]

Originally Posted by ColtsFan1912

I have no advice to be honest. I am sorry. I would not stay with him to be honest. That is one thing i refuse to tolerate ever again, cheating. esp getting a girl pregnant (maybe) while you were. ..(((hugs)))

This. (My ex-husband cheated, not my DH).

[anonsouthernbell]

I would try not to worry about it until you get the results back from the DNA test. I understand that is a lot easier said than done but that's what I would try to do...

[Joie]

I would be concerned not only that he cheated, but that he cheated without protection. That shows complete disregard for not only your relationship but your LIFE. I don't think I'd be able to ever trust him again.

If you do decide to stay, then please don't think of the baby as a product of an affair. Think of her as her own person. And there's no reason you need explain anything to strangers. It's not their business. If you feel a need to explain, just say "This is my daughter, and her sister."

[kendra76]

First off, I would go ahead and file with the state to get child support, just to protect yourself and your child!

Then I would wait for the DNA test. If the test is positive, do you want to stay with him? Are you willing to work on our relationship or do you want to move on with him having visitation?
If you are having trouble deciding, write a list of pros and cons with staying with him. Don't make your decision after writing the list, sit it down wait a couple days and then go back to the list. you will truly know what you want to do..

hugs..

[Ky'sMom]

Originally Posted by anonsouthernbell

I would try not to worry about it until you get the results back from the DNA test. I understand that is a lot easier said than done but that's what I would try to do...

This is what I would do. I think that I could forgive actual cheating as long as he was willing to work it out and do whatever was necessary to rebuild the trust you once had, but I know that I could never accept another woman's child in my home that was fathered by my DH. DH and I actually discuss weird things and this one came up and he was shocked that I would not, even though he would not accept any child of mine that came from cheating as well.

But really I would just wait for the results right now. It all depends though on how you feel about the whole thing. I can see your point about you having 2 kids though since your BF doesn't really actively care for the baby you share. That is one reason why I know I could never do that. My DH likes to play with kids for a couple hours but doesn't really do anything in their day to day care unless he is forced to (i.e. I'm not around) so I know that something like that would never work out for me and I wouldn't want to put the child through that because I know that I would probably harbor ill feelings toward DH and the other woman and those feelings would possibly be felt by the child.

Erin

[lmcirig]

I hate to say it, but I would leave him. I couldn't be with someone I don't trust. And you shouldn't be responsible for watching his baby that was concieved out of his betrayal. I'm sure the mother of that child wouldn't want you to watch her either.

Anyway, I would leave him & make sure to attach child support payments right away.

[Mrs JS]

If there is any chance the baby is biologically his he HAS to take care of it. No ifs, ands or buts. He's obviously an idiot for stepping out on you, but he has to take the dna test. With luck it won't be his. If it is his, he has to step up and be a man. I'd also consider leaving him if he doesn't take care of his children. It might sound cold, but if he's not helping out then it won't be much of a loss anyway. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this instead of just being happy about your baby.

[rtroth]

I would try to wait for the results if you are staying with him and if they are positive and he is the father then either figure out what to do from there whether it is with or without him. If its not his kids and you can work things out great if it is his kid and he wont take responsibility and the responsibility falls on you it would change things, you would probably want to leave the relationship but if you want to stay with him then I would try not to worry about it until you know the results.

[mom2jtbd]

I could not stay with him - no ifs and buts about it. I'm sorry this is happening to you and especially at a time when you should just be happy and enjoying your new baby.

[alhardin]

I would kick his butt out the door so fast his head would spin. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal in a relationship, esp when there are children involved. If he had sex with someone else, without protection, he was not only putting you at risk for aids, and other STD's, but your unborn baby as well. Show's how much he cares right? That's my opinion anyway. I have had this talk with my DH before about cheating and what would he do and what would I do if one of us ever cheated. I think if it was a one time thing, we were having marriage issues, etc. then it never happend again and he came clean, I could probably eventually forgive him, but if he did it over and over, that is calculated betrayal, showing that he doesn't care for me, and I would never forgive that. I'm sorry you are having to deal with a cheater. Just think of your baby and do what's best for her, is this the kind of thing you want her exposed to?

[MammaMia]

I think you should focus on getting the DNA test done ASAP.

If it's his child then I would encourage him to take an active role in the baby's life. It's not her fault how she was conceived, and she has the right to know her father. It sounds like one big mess, but what's done is done and your boyfriend needs to make the most of a difficult situation.

If you plan on staying together, then I seriously recommend counseling.

[macksmom]

Cut his balls off? Cheating on your girlfriend while she is pregnant is real classy. I'd lose him. You deserve way better.

[elmobo-n-lexi]

I think that I could forgive actual cheating as long as he was willing to work it out and do whatever was necessary to rebuild the trust you once had, but I know that I could never accept another woman's child in my home that was fathered by my DH. DH and I actually discuss weird things and this one came up and he was shocked that I would not, even though he would not accept any child of mine that came from cheating as well.

ITA!! DH and I have talked about it before too. Neither of us could stay with each other if we were in that situation. No way, no how. Wait and see what the DNA test says and then decide.

[mom2kandw]

Originally Posted by macksmom

Cut his balls off? Cheating on your girlfriend while she is pregnant is real classy. I'd lose him. You deserve way better.

ITA.

[ms.walker]

you have to realize if this child is his and you choose to stay then you are just as committed to that child as he is. as for child support, the state wont hold YOU responsible for any of it because its not your child.

this is a decision you have to make on your own. i would think there are a few trust issues especially because he cheated WHILE you were pregnant AND WITHOUT PROTECTION YUCK! it makes me sick to my stomach even thinking about DH cheating while i was pregnant and then coming home and having sex with me. im sure there are other personal issues you have to deal with also that just add to this.

it would be hard for me to except a child that my DH fathered while cheating on ME. i know its a child and its not their fault but i would resent both of them. therefore i dont think i would want to live my life that way or with DH/DBF for that matter.

[peppermint.candy]

I'm sorry! Have you gotten tested for STDs? (I just had to since I think my soon to be ex husband may have cheated on me too!)

[Volura]

Originally Posted by Joie

I would be concerned not only that he cheated, but that he cheated without protection. That shows complete disregard for not only your relationship but your LIFE. I don't think I'd be able to ever trust him again.

If you do decide to stay, then please don't think of the baby as a product of an affair. Think of her as her own person. And there's no reason you need explain anything to strangers. It's not their business. If you feel a need to explain, just say "This is my daughter, and her sister."

This!

[lou4480]

Originally Posted by queenj919

What I would I do? I would leave him because I would not trust him any more. It wouldn't matter if the baby was his or not.

I agree!

[BubbleGum]

There is a mama on this forum that has been through this. I will let her know the thread is here. She is actually raising the child because the mother was unfit.
There are ways to work through everything. It is a matter of what you're willing to deal with. I agree with the others that you need to go get an STD test before anything else. It's a big deal, and many of them show no real symptoms right away.
It isn't really fair to you to ask what other women would do in your shoes. None of us are. We can only speculate what we'd do with a violation of trust like that. Only one of us, that I'm aware of, has been through your situation and had it result in another child. She was able to forgive her husband and move forward, raising a daughter with special needs that was not even biologically hers. Women are amazing. We can love and nurture beyond what we think we're able to.
You decide in your heart what works for you and your child.
You're under no obligation to stay with him. You're also under no obligation to leave. I would just make sure that your health and safety were put first right now, seconded only by the well being of your child.
Hang in there, mama.

[cheeksy]

Originally Posted by BubbleGum

There is a mama on this forum that has been through this. I will let her know the thread is here. She is actually raising the child because the mother was unfit.
There are ways to work through everything. It is a matter of what you're willing to deal with. I agree with the others that you need to go get an STD test before anything else. It's a big deal, and many of them show no real symptoms right away.
It isn't really fair to you to ask what other women would do in your shoes. None of us are. We can only speculate what we'd do with a violation of trust like that. Only one of us, that I'm aware of, has been through your situation and had it result in another child. She was able to forgive her husband and move forward, raising a daughter with special needs that was not even biologically hers. Women are amazing. We can love and nurture beyond what we think we're able to.
You decide in your heart what works for you and your child.
You're under no obligation to stay with him. You're also under no obligation to leave. I would just make sure that your health and safety were put first right now, seconded only by the well being of your child.
Hang in there, mama.

Couldn't have said better.

[sara1215]

No advice just Its a tough situation to be in and I hope things work out the best they can for you and your LO.

[love2dogs]

I've been cheated on too. My advice, is get out while you can. It is WAY to dangerous for him to be cheating without protection. You can't trust him again, no matter what he tells you. Also, for your protection, you should have a complete STD panel done to make sure he hasn't brought anything home to you. You can do so much better!

[lilbaby09]

Originally Posted by alhardin

I would kick his butt out the door so fast his head would spin. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal in a relationship, esp when there are children involved. If he had sex with someone else, without protection, he was not only putting you at risk for aids, and other STD's, but your unborn baby as well. Show's how much he cares right? That's my opinion anyway. I have had this talk with my DH before about cheating and what would he do and what would I do if one of us ever cheated. I think if it was a one time thing, we were having marriage issues, etc. then it never happend again and he came clean, I could probably eventually forgive him, but if he did it over and over, that is calculated betrayal, showing that he doesn't care for me, and I would never forgive that. I'm sorry you are having to deal with a cheater. Just think of your baby and do what's best for her, is this the kind of thing you want her exposed to?

This. DS's father cheated on me while I was pregnant with DS and gave me chlamydia. Thankfully that was all, as it's curable, but it was enough. I left him shortly after. I agree that cheating is the ultimate betrayal and show of disrespect to a partner/spouse, and even worse when it's done while you're pregnant with their child and they don't even bother to try to protect themselves and inadvertently you and LO from STDs. To me that was such a huge slap in the face and showed that he couldn't care less about me and our LO. And like PP said, if your baby grows up around this, they will then think it's normal and acceptable behavior. My advice would be to get out asap and start building your life back. You deserve someone that will love and cherish you and be faithful to you!

[catfish4]

Originally Posted by BubbleGum

There is a mama on this forum that has been through this. I will let her know the thread is here. She is actually raising the child because the mother was unfit.
There are ways to work through everything. It is a matter of what you're willing to deal with. I agree with the others that you need to go get an STD test before anything else. It's a big deal, and many of them show no real symptoms right away.
It isn't really fair to you to ask what other women would do in your shoes. None of us are. We can only speculate what we'd do with a violation of trust like that. Only one of us, that I'm aware of, has been through your situation and had it result in another child. She was able to forgive her husband and move forward, raising a daughter with special needs that was not even biologically hers. Women are amazing. We can love and nurture beyond what we think we're able to.
You decide in your heart what works for you and your child.
You're under no obligation to stay with him. You're also under no obligation to leave. I would just make sure that your health and safety were put first right now, seconded only by the well being of your child.
Hang in there, mama.

This made me tear up. It is so amazing when I hear of amazing women like this.
Honestly, I can't put my self in your shoes at all, but I would think I would leave, I don't think I'm strong enough to live with either the baby or him as a constant reminder. I perceive cheating as the ultimate betrayal too..