Trying to be understanding...

[Olivia2009]

O is our first child and we are over the moon about her. Here recently some things are starting to bother about DF though. During the day I may go run a few errands; I BF her right before I leave and am gone maybe 1-2 hours and always before the next feed. I also keep pumped milk on hand just in case I didn't get back in time. I actually enjoy the little time I get out and think it's important for DF to do the same. He likes to play poker and leaves three nights out of the week to go play. The problem with this is that he leaves for as many as 5-6 hours when he goes to play and I never realized how exhausting taking care of a newborn could be by yourself for even just a few hours. So when he gets home it's midnight or later and of course he's tired. So I end up staying up some more with the baby. When I just can't take anymore I take her to him.

Shes staying awake for longer periods now, and is always wide awake at 3 in the morning when we are both dead tired. I expected this and have accepted it as a new parent. Even though I'm tired, I love it when she's wide awake and studying my face. I guess DF thinks she is supposed to sleep and eat only because he seems to have no patience for her wAkeful periods, even more so when it's late at night. If she's still awake after a feeding he wants to give her more, or WILL give her more EBM from a bottle until she is basically milk drunk and goes to sleep again. I don't go back to work until January but I work nights and I've got to fix this before then. I'll be worried sick about my sweet angel.

So right now it's almost 4am and of course I just fed her, changed her and am up rocking her to sleep. He is on the couch sound asleep. He thinks that since I am BFing there's nothing for him to do. When she cries he could get her, change her and have her ready to feed, but I end up having to do it all. He's never a jerk about anything but he never OFFERS to help really during late night times. I tried to warn him of this before it even happened and he always jokes that it would be a piece of cake, he would have night duty and they would stay up watching sports center together, and he would never be sleep deprived. He got a dose of reality but I think it's affecting me the most.

[cheeksy]

I am sorry you have to do it all by yourself. At the beginning my DH was terrified of changing her, holding her and bathing her cause he was afraid he'd break her lol But then he learned how to and he would always take her and change her and prepare for feedings. I rather let him sleep at night (for which I got scolding, honestly) at the beginning but sometimes I'd just kick (literally) and ask him to help me.
I think you need to talk to your DH. From what I have seen, heard and read, many men think that feeding the baby is mama;s job (BF or FF - doesn't matter). Hope he comes to his senses and starts helping you out.

[macksmom]

Dude I'd nip this one in the bud and fast! She is only 2 weeks old! If he's too tired he shouldn't be playing poker 3xs/week until midnight. Scratch that - he just shouldn't be doing it at all with a 2 week old baby at home. Babies are a lot of work. It takes 2 to make one and 2 to take care of one.

[GA1977]

I also agree with both the PP. Um, he's got a new baby at home.....he can cut back on the poker nights. Sorry, but its true, when you have kids, you're life does change.....especially with a brand new baby at home.
My DH had a very hard time adjusting to being a parent for the first time (he also got a new position at work with a really long commute to tack onto his day). So he had a huge amount of stress. And he did have a harder time adjusting to being a parent than I did. He never got up with her in the night (still hasn't) but he helps out in other ways.

[ktacserv]

I definitely think you need to address this with him ASAP. I am sure he's having a difficult time adjusting and sometimes it takes awhile for the men to realize their life HAS to change now that the baby has arrived. I recommend talking to him during a time when you are both awake (not the middle of the night) and when your baby is being calm, or taking a nap.

If you've been doing everything so far without asking for much help, he probably does not stop to think or realize how selfish he is being or how tired you are. You need to tell him and spell it out for him. While I agree with you that everyone needs their alone time to regroup, at this point with a newborn at home, he needs to cut back on going out for awhile. There is a difference between going to the store for an hour just to get out of the house for a little bit and going out with your friends multiple nights a week for hours. He can cut back on the poker nights until your baby is older and you are on a more concrete schedule. That is just part of stepping up and being a parent. Both of you need to support each other or this is going to be such a long and tough road ahead.

When we brought Jacob home, my DH was clueless about what his role should be since I was BFing. It's not that he didn't WANT to help, he just had no idea what to do or when to step in without getting in the way, and felt like he couldn't do anything. So I had to start by asking him to do specific things for me, and letting him know what I wanted. He woke up with me for those middle of the night feedings and would do diaper changes, he would give baths, and during the day he'd stick around just to give me the chance to take a nap while the baby was sleeping. When I didn't have any baby-related chores for him to do, I'd ask him to get things done around our apartment while I was BFing (because let's face it, in the beginning BFing is pretty much a 24/7 job). So he'd do laundry, cook all of our meals, clean and that type of thing while I was taking care of our baby. But I did have to talk to him about it and give him a specific list of tasks to do to get us there. Once we talked things were fine though. Maybe that will be all it will take for yours...I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

[bridgetwu75]

I agree with everyone that the best thing to do sit down with him when you are calm and come up with a plan on how the two of you can work together to take care of your baby. He sounds just like my dbf was after I had Savana. My life changed completely and he kept going about his business, staying out late, sleeping in as if nothing was different. I sucked it up and didn't say a word and so when we had our second child, he did not step up to help me. To this day 99% of the childcare is on me. I have some serious resentment.
For the sake of your marriage, set some ground rules today.

[haydensmom]

When you bfed, I think men automatically assume that baby wants booby, end of story. It sounds like you two need to sit down and have a talk. Tell him that you feel like you really need his help at night. Brett would always get up and get the baby, change the diaper, and then bring the baby to me to feed and I was responsible for getting babe back to sleep (I bfed). Maybe this rotation would work for you as well. Just talk to him about it. Communication about everything you're feeling with a new baby is really important.

[ktacserv]

One more thing I thought I would add:

I remember when we first came home with Jacob, DH felt kind of left out in the cold and like he was unconnected to him. I had been the one carrying him for 9 months and now I was the only one who could feed him. Jacob recognized my voice as soon as he was born and we had a bond but that bond takes some time to grow with Daddy. I told DH that one of the best ways he can bond with Jacob at that age was to take the time to hold him close, talk to him and spend time with him. Within a couple of weeks Jacob was responding to my DH's voice just like he did with mine. I also told him that it would be good if he could try to rock Jacob to sleep sometimes so that he could get used to being put to sleep without constantly needing boobies (unless he was hungry of course). It took a few weeks but once he started to see Jacob responding to his voice and his touch, I think that made a difference. He needed some time to create that bond though.

[takenandhappy]

My boyfriend is the same. He gets annoyed if he has to stay with her longer than needed, like when i work or if i go out with my mom or something. He says she cries when he changes her and he has trouble feeding her. He's coming to accept her, but he still hasnt really bonded with her.

I feel your annoyance, lol.