still waiting... LONG

[KikiBrown]

Yep I'm still waiting (formerly ALmostmrs.brown) I haven't been on in quite awhile...they started being really cautious about internet use at work and then I got laid off about 7 weeks ago. I really need some husband advice though....
I have had serious baby fever for over two years and it's not going away no matter where I focus my energy. Hubby said...after we are married (15 months ago now) then said after we've been married a year, then said maybe fall 2009....now it's fall 2009 and he won't even talk about it now since I'm unemployed...even though I already have a job lined up I'm starting the first of January. He says it's money...but we do fine, he says it's debt...we've committed to no loans or credit lines of any kind and have already paid off over 3k worth of debt in the past 6 months. I'm honestly starting to think he's just too selfish to give up some of his hobby time. He's a serious hunter/fisherman guy...it's all he does in his free time. I'm frustrated to no end. How long do I wait? how long before I say this is what I need and that's it? help!

[daynasrose]

I understand what you are going through. During my marriage to my ex we had discussed having children before and after we were married. At first he seemed open to it and then the more I asked about it the most he withdrew and made excuses as to why we should wait. He was an avid hunter/fisherman and loved to go on long hunting trips during the Fall hunting season. He was also in law enforcement which made his schedule very hectic. When I finally confronted him on it (this was four years after we were married) he finally admitted that he never wanted children. His reasons were that he felt he could not be a good father because of his lifestyle choices - job,hobbies, etc. This was just one of the reasons our marriage failed.

I suggest you have a talk with your DH as soon as you can. Don't wait around expecting him to approach you saying "Okay its time". You may end up like me, waiting four years. GL!

[cakegal]

Oh Christine, I'm sorry you are still waiting. I remember talking to you before.I was actually looking for you a few months ago to see what you were up to.
Sometimes men just don't want to talk about what they really want. I wish I could give you some great wisdom on men and the way they think but alas,I truly know nothing. Except they hate to do anything that is not their idea or feel like they are being pushed into. The day I figure them out is the day I will be rich!! I'm not trying to be flip or anything. Are you happy with him other than this? Maybe he just needs more time than most....and maybe he just needs an ultimatum to make him realize the weight of the situation. I'm so sorry you're going through this and your job situation....thinking about you.

[KikiBrown]

Thanks for the replies girls...I'm having such a hard time. I just don't know how long to wait, otherwise I think our life is so happy and great. Dayna...your DH sounds a lot like mine..he always assures me he does want children...he just won't commit or make an actual plan. I've 'talked' to him a million times..and he always just comes back with that I make him feel like crap because he can't 'give' me what I want because he doesn't make enough money. I am pretty sure this is BS though...we have owned our home for 3 years, have decent vehicles, can pay our bills and then some every month. I havn't been on the pill for 3 years..but I'm actually going on it this month because I can't handle the 'oh maybe he won't pull out thoughts' when we DTD. I think maybe it wont be so emotionally hard on me if I know it can't happen. He knows this too. I am stressed about the ultimatum approach because I don't want him unhappy either.

[daynasrose]

It sounds like you don't need an ultimatum to get what you want, just time. You are still young and so is he and men at his age with his outdoor interests don't want to grow up! lol My ex was that way. I think even today he is out playing hunter in the wilderness of AK! You may just need to be patient. He will come around, especially when friends and family begin having children.

[Krystal5]

Men suck sometimes! Mine was the same way. What I did, was when he said "after we're married a year", I left it at that. I didn't ask any more. Once, I told him, this is my last birth control! And that was it.

Fortunately, even though he was (is!) scared out of his mind about the thought of ACTUALLY having a baby (he's always wanted one), he went along with it even when we moved on to STC and Med Assistance. He NEVER initiated it. If I left it up to him, we'd be dead of old age before we had kids, despite the fact that he's REALLY wantd kids his whole life (he swears!).

So... Only you know if that will work for your hubby. But maybe just agree on a date with him- 3 months after I start this new job- and just move on without him once you agree.

Hope you can find something that works for you! He is probably like my hubby- scared out of his mind!!

and

[KikiBrown]

thanks for more input! I tried this after we got married...but maybe it was too soon. I had my yearly 'well woman' exam, and got prenatal vitamins etc....and a few days later he said 'what do you have those for'? like I was insane. So I threw them out and figure'd Id try again later. Most of our friends are having or working on their 2nd babies!

[daynasrose]

Originally Posted by KikiBrown

thanks for more input! I tried this after we got married...but maybe it was too soon. I had my yearly 'well woman' exam, and got prenatal vitamins etc....and a few days later he said 'what do you have those for'? like I was insane. So I threw them out and figure'd Id try again later. Most of our friends are having or working on their 2nd babies!

Weird. Most of the men I know have given in once their friends and family starting having children. Though this can backfire on you if the friends and family are having a bad time of being married with children.

Maybe there is some bigger issue he has not voiced yet that is bothering him. Maybe it is more than just fear and the responsibility of being a father. The money and fear of failure is very strong, for both men and women! I know I was terrified when I got pg! However, with my ex he had serious issues about the world being a "bad place" (his words). He also said "I don't want to bring any more children into this world and have them have to deal with this s**t!"

I remember one time I had given up on my ex and started "accidentally" skipping my pills. OMG! He was livid when he found out! That made him even more against ttc. The only time he started want to ttc was when I told him I was leaving.

I really wish I could give you more advice but I have not had the best of experience. I was your age when I was trying to convince my ex to have kids. It didn't work. He got a vasectomy after we divorced. Then he married a woman with kids!! Men are definitely mysterious. At least my current DH wants kids. I have the opposite problem now - he wants a handful! I want two...