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  1. #91
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Toeing the edge between sanity and insanity
    Posts
    30,583

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    We'll see if I'm ready to share my story. It's so fresh that most on here already know it. But here goes...

    I have two daughters that are 4 days less than a year apart. Born in May 2005 and 2006. We were not sure on having more kids, but definitely not until 2009 at the earliest. We were using condoms as well as NFP to prevent. About 4 days before Fathers' Day this year I tested positive. I was stunned. And not happy, at all. I was very nervous about how John would react-his first thought is always to money. It was very important to me that I tell him about this baby in a way that would allow for no room for negativity. So I finally devised a way and was going to wait for Fathers' Day, but just couldn't. I told him that Friday and he just was all grins and so excited-just sure we'd have a boy this time.

    I'm high risk due to a previous preterm labor and birth. So this pregnancy involved ultrasounds of my cervix every other week which meant traveling more than hour each way for those appointments, and struggling to schedule the appointments around my mom's schedule so I wouldn't have to take the girls. It was stressful, and while I was so relieved that John was happy, I still didn't feel excited. I have a number of contraction/cramping/bleeding scares early on, but then things seemed to level off as I approached 18 weeks, or so. We had found out at 15ish weeks that it was a girl, and so there was that quasi-dissapointment to deal with. I so very much had wanted a boy from the time I was pregnant with Keira on. But I was slowly becoming ok with having another baby, and another baby girl, at that.

    At 22ish weeks I had some major huge gushes of bright red blood. I was hospitalized for 36 hours for monitoring, and then sent home. It's horrible, but with every new scare with this pregnancy this stupid little part of me reacted in a "what if I don't get checked out? It'd be ok if things didn't work-I didn't really want this baby anyhow" sort of way. It was just a tiny part of me. But a part that I feel so utterly guilty about now, and probably will for the rest of my life. I'll wonder "what if I'd really truly wanted her? Would that have changed things?" Irrational, I know. But it is what it is.

    I had another couple bright red gushes as I was finishing my 22nd week, and again was hospitalized. My cervix was short, but not drastically. I was dilated to 1/1.5ish but the doctors argued about if I was truly dilating or if it was just me sitting more loose/open due to the two babies I'd had so recently. I had yet another Level II ultrasound on Monday, October 22. WAs sent home on modified bedrest with appointments set up 1x a week for the next 3 weeks, with the next being October 30.

    At 3am Saturday October 27, 2007 my water broke. And I mean broke. No leakage-gush after gush after gush. I was so scared and just sat on the floor waiting for that first post-water-breaking contraction. The really painful one. It never came. I was 23w4d when this happened-too early for a baby to have much of a chance to make it. We got to L&D, knowing we'd be transferred up to the hospital my perinatologists work out of. But first they did an u/s and discovered absolutely no fluid around baby Taela. The nurses tried to reassure us by saying that it was common to be put on hospital bedrest and be able to keep baby in for at least a week-maybe buying all the time we needed. I rode in the ambulance up north and got all checked in. No contractions. Taela was head down, which the doctors and nurses were all happy with. It meant I was ready for delivery when the time came, and also the hope was that her head would help keep the cervix blocked off so infection couldn't set in as easy. 4 days later in another ultrasound it was discovered that she'd flipped breach and was sitting on top of my cervix. This became more of a concern-it caused the need for a c-section when the time came. I had reached 24 weeks which was the point which we had chosen for all possible medical interventions to be done to save our baby. The next day she eventually put her left foot all the way down through my cervix and into my vagina. I was taken for an immediate emergency section and put under general anesthesia.

    Taela was born November 1, 2007 weighing 1lb 4oz and was 12.25 inches long. And she did wonderful. She didn't need ANY help breathing for 7 days. She did it all on her own. She was hooked up to all kinds of monitors, iv's, tubes, etc. But breathing is the largest hurdle at that age and she did great. Then on day 8 she needed some oxygen blown through for her to keep her blood levels up. But it was still a great day in the life of a 24weeker. And then Day 9 went downhill hard and fast. I got the call at 3:30am that she'd had a bad night and they were going to intubate, just so she could rest her little muscles and not have to do the breathing on her own. It was to be expected for her to be intubated, so while I was so upset, I wasn't too worried. I mean, the first 4 days or so are the ones where you wait for baby to crash. She was over a week old, and had been amazing. I was finally able to think about the next 4ish months in there, and how I'd handle my girls at home and my girl in the NICU. I was ready to be in this for the long haul. And then at 8am I talked to the doctor and she said Taelas was having a real hard day. We talked about a few things, but nothing really sticking out as bad. She did want to make sure we were coming up, at least later in the afternoon. I couldn't tell if it was for her knowledge or her gentle way of saying "you NEED to come up here." And then 3.5 hours later I got a call from a nurse telling us if we could get up there, we needed to get there ASAP. My grandpa came to watch the girls and my parents headed up to meet us at the hospital. That was a horrible drive. Not know what was going on, if she'd still be alive when we got there.

    We got there and found that immediately after that phone call she'd coded and they'd had to do CPR and push an epi to get her heart going again. She had been on 100% oxygen at 8am but by the time we were there she was down to 80, and then 1/2 later only needed less than 50. Her breathing had stabilized. But an echo of her heart was disturbing. Her cardiologist was amazed it was the same heart he'd seen 3 days earlier. It was so tiny and deteriorated. Her blood had become very acidic and was literally eating away at her heart. Eventually it was found that all of her major organs were shutting down. The levels of enzymes in her blood for her liver and kidneys were #'s that would be concerning/critical in an ADULT's body. There was no real choice for us, other than WHEN to let her go. The medicine they were giving her would keep her heart going, but they had to re-administer every 20 minutes or so. And IF she pulled through, it was basically guaranteed that she'd be on life support her entire life and literally have no awareness about her.

    At about 1pm I held my baby for the very first and last time ever. She passed at about 1:30pm-nearly exactly 9 days after she was born.

    It has been 5 days since she passed and each day has only gotten harder. I don't know when they'll start to look up, but I have been told they will. We had her funeral and interment yesterday and that was so difficult for me. I did not think I'd make it through it-I avoid funerals when at all possible. Some ladies from APA sent flowers, and Jenn (DIVADLX) and her little family came down from Seattle for the services. I am so thankful for the support that I know I have here on this site-even if it takes me a little while to be able to actively tap back into it.

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  2. #92
    NSenadenos Guest

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    Oh Tiff,

    I hate to see any of our ladies on this side of the boards, particularly the ones that have been on long enough that I feel like I "know" them. I must have read Taela's story a dozen times now, and still end up bawling before I get to the end.

    Sending you and your family prayers and hugs. I can only hope that the days will start to get easier for you and you will have some peace...

  3. #93

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    I'm so sorry again. I can't imagine what you're going through. Losing a child is horrible. We're here if you need us. Big hugs.



  4. #94

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    well its my turn i guess. we just found out today that our little bean has no heartbeat. : ( it was our first apt today too. we were supposed to be 9 wks3ish days but the bean made it to 8 weeks. the process has not started yet, but i'm sure it will. i'm just glad i was able to tell the nurse my HCG levels and how they wer not good ( i work in a hospital i test them myself) and thankfully she agreed to an u/s. i'm just glad we didn't find out another 4 weeks from now. it sucks that i am now joining this crowed and out of the JUNE month. oh well, i hope my stay here is short! we will try again as soon as we can. : )

  5. #95

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    xaive-

    The very same thing happened to me 2 weeks ago.

    PM me if you want to talk. (((HUGS)))
    Baby Boy born on September 3, 2008.

  6. #96

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    (basically a repeat of my earlier post)
    Well, I finally had my first OB appointment on Monday and found out the baby died at 8 weeks (two weeks before the appointment). I really do not like the office I went too, not just because I got bad news but the way the handle their exams. I had my general exam and the midwife went to check for a heartbeat and did not hear one (she said she thought she heard on in the background). I know this was not right if I was 10 weeks. So they send me to a whole new building to have an u/s (or else I could come back in 2 weeks to check the heartbeat again, are you kidding me). DH, Reese and I went over to get an u/s from a tech who could not tell me anything, but since the screen was facing in my direction (I was alone) I could tell the baby was probably not alive. I had to go back to the first building and wait to see the midwife again to tell me the bad news. I think we were there for almost 2-3 hours. I think I know when I m/c I posted that I woke up one morning with none of the symptoms I had the previous days and this worried me, well that seems to have been around he day the baby stopped developing.

    I am planning to get pregnant again ASAP (within reason). I have already scoped out a doctors office which looks better than the last place, not that the medical care had anything to do with the m/c but a lot to do with my feelings afterward.

    I have always wanted Reese to have a sibling and I do not want to be too much older when I deliver. Until then I am going to focus my time raising my wonderful daughter and losing some weight.


    My Four Little Angels

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    Sorry, this will be long, but I like to get every detail out...

    My DH and I married on September 1st, 2006. Before we got married, back in February of 06, I quit taking my depo shots. My cycles were so screwed up, I would have anywhere from a 30-90 day cycle. I vowed I would never go on depo again! Anyway, my last period was May 4th 07 - May 11th 07, and then on around June 22nd I started feeling weird. First it was lightheaded and dizziness, so I took a HPT, and it was negative. The next week I also started having some cramping, so I figured okay, my period is starting soon. Well, the week after that, I started getting headaches, and still hadn't gotten my period, so I took another HPT, and it was negative. I was having so many symptoms, but wasn't pregnant. I was so scared something was wrong with me, so I scheduled an appt with my family doctor, and on July 10th, I found out that I was pregnant.

    Because my cycles were so screwed up, none of us knew how far along I was, so I had an u/s on July 25th, and it showed that I was 6 weeks and 2 days along. I was so excited, but secretly wishing that I was further along! Everything looked great. We heard the heartbeat, and saw it on the screen also. We were so excited! We told everyone! I had another u/s on August 27th, showing I was 11 weeks along and things were going great. I had another appt on September 25th, and they found the heartbeat with the doppler, and it sounded good. My next appt was scheduled for October 24th, and that was the day that we would find out what we were having. We were sooo excited! We're almost halfway there!

    On October 11th, I had the 2nd part of my genetic testing.

    On the 15th of October, I realized that I hadn't seen my cat for a few days, and was getting worried (She got outside and wandered off, which was normal for her, she loved it outside!). I was sitting in the livingroom, and all of a sudden I heard a meowing, and I knew it was her and was so excited! I looked out the window, and I screamed with terror. Her face was all tore up, and it looked like parts of it were barely hanging by a thread. She had obviously been attacked by something. I was freaking out. She was my baby, I had gotten her when she was 5 weeks old. I made my husband handle it. I told him I wanted to see my girl, but he wouldn't let me because it was too bad. She ended up having to be put to sleep on that day. I cried all day. I was so sad that I had lost my fur-baby. I had been noticing some cramping earlier in the day, but I just thought it was stress. It came and went, so I didn't think much of it.

    That next day, the doctor called me and told me that my genetic testing came back VERY abnormal, and the results were off the wall, nothing he had ever seen before. So now I was starting to get worried. What is wrong with my baby? I'm 18 weeks along, almost halfway there, and now there is something wrong? A million things ran through my head. Will I be able to take care of the baby if there is something majorly wrong with it? Can I handle that? What would I do?...The cramping just got worse.

    Finally, wednesday, I called the OB and told them I was having bad cramping, but no bleeding, so they got me in the next day. On the 18th of October, I was getting ready for my appointment, and my cramps were so bad, I could barely take it. I urged my husband to take the day off and go with me, because I knew in my own mind and heart, that I wouldn't be returning home from this appointment. I knew something was majorly wrong. So he went with me.

    I got into the office, and they tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler. Couldn't find it, but they always had a hard time finding it before (Probably because I am overweight), but I still knew something wasn't right. I asked my DH, doesn't that worry you that they couldn't find the heartbeat? And he said No, I'm sure everything's fine. He had no idea what was going through my mind at that moment.

    So they got me into the ultrasound room, and started doing the ultrasound. I was watching the screen, and I saw no blue and red movement where the heart should be. I was worried...I laid there, and when she finally got done, I said in a shaky voice, "Is everything okay?" She just looked at me and shook her head. I started bawling. The doctor came in and told me that the baby was gone. And it looked like it had died at least a week before. I was devastated. They also told me that the cramping I was having was actually contractions, and I was already going into labor, and was 3cm dilated. To me, contractions just feel like my normal period cramps that I get monthly. The ones that have me taking 800mgs of Motrin every 4 hours just to take the edge off so I'm not bawling my eyes out. They gave me the option of waiting at home, or going straight to the hospital. I said I just want to get this done and over with ASAP! So I went directly to the hospital, where they admitted me. I was already dilated, so they gave me an epidural for the horrible contractions and a few hours later, our daughter was born into heaven.

    At first, I didn't even want to see her. I didn't want anything to do with it. But they told me they would take pictures, so if I wanted them later, I could have them. My mom and mother-in-law went in to see the baby. Later, after I wasn't in so much pain, I realized that I needed to see and hold my baby. DH and I sat there for a good hour, holding her, and crying. It was horrible. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through!

    The hospital gave us the option of getting her cremated for free, since she wasn't far enough along to be considered a stillbirth. So we had that done. I miss her so very much, and I am so sad that I had to lose our first child. But I am soooo thankful for what she has done for us. She made us parents. Even though we don't have a living child, we are still considered a mother and father, and that means the world to us. Also, going through what happened has brought DH and I closer together than we've ever been. So that is a major plus! That must be why things happened the way they did.

    Anyway, I just found out on February 27th, 2008, that I am pregnant again! Everything is looking good so far, but of course, my anxiety isn't going to ease up until I get past those 18 weeks. And It probably won't ease up all of the way until I have a healthy living child in my arms. I don't know what I'd do if I lost again. But I'm trying not to think about that! This pregnancy will be a success, and we will have a new baby in November!

    Sorry this was so long!!


  8. #98

    Default I was a June Due date but now I am new here.....

    My addy will not be that familiar as I was more anavid reader than poster in the June Due dates forum.
    I was 40 and married 17 years when we concieved our dear Samuel after two years of working out pregnancy and labor fears.

    We concieved on our very first try and thought it a small miracle that his due date would be on my deceased Mothers birthday of June 24. We were happy to see his forst heartbeat at 8 weeks and at 9 it was if Samuel told us his name as it wasthe one that pooped into my head out of the blue. We never loooked at another name.

    At 16 weeks I bled heavily because of my placenta had moved to cover my cervix. I'm told that at 18 weeks they dont call it a complete previa, but thats what it looked like to me.

    After weeks of modified bedrest and light duty the placentea had moved to a marginal previa by week 20. His anatomy ultrasounds were going well with the exception of a very slight rotation of his heart. By the third check it was normal.

    As I was approaching week 26 , I had not felt much movement at all, I thought maybe he had just changed to a different psitionwhere I could not feel him anymore. I had been watched so closely since the start of this preganancy that I thought it was more worry over nothing. What I had mistook for increased discharge had been old amniotic fluid.
    I have a DES cervix, so my discharge was never anything that looked normal anyway.
    I am ashmed that I didnt know that something was wrong......

    So I went to the DRs for a heartbeat check and they found none...the US confirmed that he had died. The Office sent someone with me to hold my hnd thru it all until my husband got there.

    So on March Tues, March 18th I was induced for labor at the birthing center. By early Wed. Morning they stopped usuing the vaginal suppositories and switched to the drug that begins with P because it wasnt progressing much.
    After a naturual childbirth Samuel was born at 1:30 pm at 1lb 8 1/2 ounces 13 1/2 inches long.
    We held him, kissed him and kept him with us a bit while family visited and said thier goodbyes.

    I was released Friday the 21st as I had hemmoraged and needed the extra blood and rest.

    So now I am home, with a box of Samuels bracelets and clothes and a blanket that were made for him.
    I have no baby to hold, and two pictures that would be very hard for others to look at that I cannot share. We are devasted if there is a word that can descibe it all.
    We are waiting for Samuels ashes to come back and his autopsy report.

    We will always remember him and now pray we can try for another soon.


    Jil

  9. #99

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    Hi ladies. I just found this board and while I am sorry any of us need to be here I am glad this board is here.
    We found out on 3/5 that our son Tristan did not have a heart beat. My Dr. started to induce me that night and on 3/6 Tristan was born. He was 5 pds 4 oz. We learned after he was born that his cord was unusually long and that it was twisted and developed a kink in it. The pregnancy had gone great up to that point, no problems or complications. 35 weeks isn't a very long time and it is by no means enough time but I am glad I got to have him and feel his kicks for that time at least.

  10. #100

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    Jillybean and cherri blossom - I am so sorry about the loss of your precious angels.

  11. #101

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    Hi Cheri,

    I'm so sorry...yes, its nice to have this board.
    I have been to another that is for MC/ stillborn/infant/child loss and it is very hard to read there. Its a nice place to post about our feelings and our lost child but I think thisboard offers more in the sense of hope and moving forward because there are forums for TTC after loss and Expecting after loss.
    I hope you find gentler days ahead.

    Kenzie...thank you.........

  12. #102

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    Quote Originally Posted by xtrememousey View Post
    I haven't really talked about it since it happened but here's the story. My DH and I got married in July '04. About a month later a good friend of mine had her baby. After the first time we babysat, we started talking about it and at the end of the month (oct '04) we were at the store to get my BCP and he just looked at me and said...."don't worry about, let's just go home" so Nov'04 was when we started TTC. fast forward 12 months and a diagnosis of PCOS later i started the drug cocktail of metformin, prevera, and clomid. In April '06 i decided to see what would happen if I just stopped for a month. No drugs all of April because i had a DR's appointment on the 28th. Took a test there and it was neg, so she put me back on the drugs. I took the provera and nothing happened. I got no AF no nothing except really sore boobs (lol). I took an HPT on May 10th and it was a BFP. I was in shock....I couldn't believe it....so over the next 2 days i took 5 more tests....all BFP....and it was mother's day weekend....so we told his family, mine would have to wait until father's day because i want to tell them in person and we were going to Chicago to visit and would be there on father's day. Went to the dr to get a blood test that monday and it was confirmed that i was between 3 and 4 weeks, easily missed at like 1 week at the dr's on the 28th of April.

    We were ecstatic to say the very least.....and then at work that next saturday i started spotting. My store manager took me to the ER. I knew then it was over.....but the ER dr kept saying that my cervix was still closed so i might not be miscarrying. The other thought was that I was on clomid so I could be miscarrying one of a set of twins. They sent me home and said that if the spotting got worse or I passed any clots I should come back. So we came home and I was physically in a lot of pain. The next morning I passed 2 fairly large clots in the shower and DH took me back to the ER. They did an ultrasound to see if it was multiples and i lost just one but that was not the case. They had started talking about a D&C but I was already passing the baby well, so we decided to just let it happen naturally.

    My vacation was emotional he!! and I never did tell my parents. I think about it all the time and am almost terrified of seeing a BFP because I don't know if this will happen again. My world did a 360+ in 11 days and I just don't know how I would handle that again.

    You ladies help keep me strong and I cried at every story.
    leyla



    so i wish the story got better from here. it doesn't and i'm still ttc'ing. 40 months 3 losses under my belt now. the 2nd one was and will be the hardest because i saw that little heart beating at the first ultrasound. i wish there was a way to stop the hurting but there isn't.....so here goes:


    in june 07 on vacation we concieved for the 2nd time which was awesome and i was terrified (ecstatic but terrified nonetheless). 8-13 i went in for a 8 week u/s and we saw the heartbeat of our precious lil one. on 8-27 that beautiful flicker was gone. on the 30th i had a d&c.....

    post d&c because of the pcos my dr. made me wait the full 8 weeks before she would put me back on the drug cocktail that i need to make my body work right. i got AF 12-7-07 (day of dh's work christmas party) and was pretty devastated. but i got the witch without provera so i was ok with that. then surprise surprise......on 1-7-08 i tested on a whim and got a bfp......which i subsequently started bleeding out on 1-14-08.....

    so 3 years......3 losses.....and i'm still fighting for what i know i WILL eventually have.....my babies......my family......


  13. Default Our story ...

    I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks trying to get information to try and understand what's going on with both my body and mind right now. Here is our story:

    Let me begin by saying that my hubby and I are high school sweet hearts ... started dating when I was 16 and he was 15. We had a tough time dating due to his parents not approving of my interracial (white and hispanic) heritage. We were married 2 years after I graduated high school and our first DD came one year and 4 days later. Then our DS came in June 97 and soon after we had some problems and my DH left for 2.5 years. During that time I clung to Christ and our marriage was completely restored. In June '02 I had a LEEP surgery performed due to HPV cells on my cervix and was told it would be hard for me to conceive. In March '03 we got pregnant with DD #2 without trying. Then, right after I quit nursing her I got pregnant with DD#3, again without trying. And, the biggest surprise was the last pregnancy which we were delighted to find out about in January '08. I had been charting and for the first time in my life must have ovulated early because I did not understand how it had happened ... I had never charted wrong before (I charted with first two ... nothing with baby #3 and was on the bcp with baby #4). The following is how we discovered that our baby went to Jesus.

    When I left for the doctor on Thursday morning, March 27, I simply put on our MySpace that we were "praying all went well." Why? Because I had an awful feeling something was wrong. So, as I try to get through this (and I’m "writing my feelings down" in hopes of trying to work through my own grieving process) ... I’ll explain the events of the day.

    My doctor’s appointment was at 11:30am, and I went with the hope that the doctor would relinquish my fears and that I could continue on with this pregnancy with a new sense of relief. My fears began on Thursday, March 13 when I went to bed. I laid down and instantly felt really sick. I sat up, ran to the bathroom, came back to lay down, and spent the rest of the night up holding my stomach. I have never, in all 4 of the other pregnancies, felt this kind of nausea. My body felt warm and it was just "not right" to me. The next day I got online looking for "miscarriage" symptoms, but none listed extreme nausea as a sign ... so I tried to dismiss my worries. The nausea would repeat itself at various times over the next week or so. I also noticed that I wasn’t showing as much as when I was pregnant with the little princesses ... but dismissed that to the "wishful thinking" that I was carrying a boy. Other than that, everything was normal.

    So, when I got to the doctor that Thursday, the first thing he did was feel for the uterus to check for growth. I asked him if it was growing and he said it felt as it should, and I simply told him I was relieved to hear that at least because I didn’t feel as though I was growing as with the last two. Next, he got out the doppler and began searching for a fetal heartbeat ... all he found was mine. He kept moving the doppler around, feeling the uterus, changing directions, pushing harder, anything to find the baby’s heartbeat ... but he found nothing. As I laid there, I knew in my heart that my worst fear was about to be confirmed. I prayed as I laid there waiting for him to bring in the sonogram machine ... "please, God, let there be a heartbeat". Tears streamed down my face as soon as I saw the first sonogram image ... I’ve had enough sonograms to know what they should look like ... and it was painfully obvious that there was no apparent heart beating in the baby’s chest. The picture of my baby laying there motionless is forever burned into my memory. Everytime I close my eyes I can still see it as though it were right in front of me.
    The doctor began measuring the baby, without saying a word. I watched and noticed the measurements were putting the baby two weeks behind where we were in the pregnancy. The baby stopped growing two weeks ago ... around the same time the nausea began. Finally, the doctor spoke, "We have a problem." I simply said, "I know, there’s no heartbeat." He pushed around on my stomach to try and stimulate the baby, but there was still no movement, no heartbeat. He tried repeatedly to find some small glimmer of hope within the chest cavity, but I knew it wasn’t there. As I sat up in tears, he simply hugged me and tried to console me ... and my poor Jaden, the only one I had with me, had no idea how to comprehend what had just taken place in front of her. I called her over and held her tight as the doctor explained the next steps to me. I could either experience the miscarriage "naturally" (which I am praying doesn’t happen because I don’t think I could handle it right now) or I could have a D&C.

    Every mother has a birth plan as she prepares for her child’s welcome into this world. The options are endless really, as long as mom and the baby are safe with the decisions. But, as we entered the hospital on Wednesday, April 2, it was nothing like what I had planned for our baby’s birth in September. I was escorted to a room where I was given my IV and asked to wait. My DH and I watched TV quietly as we waited for the next hour and a half. We talked only a moment as I cried about the upcoming procedure. I knew that in a few hours my baby would no longer be dwelling within me. I’d no longer be "connected" to my baby ... and the reality of the situation was setting in.

    Around 12:30pm they came in to check all my vital signs and get me ready to go to the operating room. My nurse came in with the anesthesiologist and told DH that the Dr would come talk to him soon ... it shouldn’t take long. I was given a dose of medicine through my IV and they wheeled me down the halls. Twisting and turning I can remember looking at the lights and noticing them getting blurry as we progressed through the winding corridors. We entered into the OR and I remember seeing another nurse preparing the tools and such. I was wheeled in and my arms were outstretched onto two boards and I lay there as Jesus hung crucified on the cross for me. They put a mask on me and told me to take a deep breath ... and I awoke two hours later in the recovery room.
    I remember opening my eyes to an oxygen mask and a nurse saying my name. I looked around to find a clock and see the time. I couldn’t believe I had been out for two hours. I had absolutely no recollection of anything in the operating room. Once I was finally able to see DH again I cried knowing my baby was really gone at this point … I would be leaving the hospital with only pain and medicines. It seemed very surreal. It still does. I am still in a bit of shock from the whole ordeal ... but I realize I must go on and live for the 4 awesome children I can hold everyday. God has blessed me with an amazing family.

    The past three weeks have gone by in slow motion. I can’t eat, sleep, or simply function as a normal person. My days are filled with heartache and tears. I find comfort not only in knowing that God is in control and will care for my baby until we are reunited in heaven, but also in my husband, my kids, and my family. I have no idea how to deal with these emotions and have never felt pain like this in my life. I’ve lost people close to me before, but nothing can relate to the loss of a child. It doesn’t matter to me that I have never held this baby in my arms ... it’s still my baby. I saw it moving around with a normal heartbeat at our first appointment. I’ve seen the baby alive within me.

    My DH says that no one else within our home can know the pain I feel since I am the only one that has had the real opportunity to bond with it. It was not yet big enough to be felt or seen from outside my stomach. But, the kids still mourn. Their tears simply bring me more pain. Our youngest is too young to understand, and our 4 year old tells people that our baby had no heartbeat and went home to Jesus. But, she still keeps asking when it’s going to come out. She was SO looking forward to this baby ... more than the other 3. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to crawl up in bed and stay there for a while ... surrounded only by my family. I need them to hold me and let me know that it’s going to be ok. At this point, I know I have 4 amazing kids already, but this baby meant no less to me than one of them ... and I have to grieve for it. I needed my mom to hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault ... I didn’t do anything wrong. I needed her to tell me I had to eat and had to quit starving myself. I needed to hold my dad and cry with him as he shed tears for the grandchild he too would never see on earth.

    My emotions are all over the place. I’m confused, sad, filled with guilt, anything but angry. I assured my hubby that I had no anger towards God as I mentioned to him that I could not attend church that following Sunday (3/31). I still pray daily ... asking for comfort, peace, and understanding. I understand that God sometimes takes home those babies that may have a more than challenging life here on earth (the doctor mentioned that there may have been some abnormality in the formation of the baby’s head) and will care for the baby until we arrive. I’ve read a few articles on pregnancy loss and I know myself enough to know that the pain and the sadness will forever be with me ... but I will get through this with God’s help. He has already shown Himself in so many situations in our lives ... I know he’ll be present even more as we walk through this time.

    Also, we decided to name our angel "Reagan". We had only tossed around a few names and this was one that our oldest daughter (who has really struggled with the loss) & I liked, and when I looked up the meaning I found that it meant "little king/queen" or "royalty" ... and that’s what our baby is in Heaven.
    Staci :<3: Colby (9/17/1994) - High School Sweet:<3:s
    DD (9/95) : DS (6/97) : DD (12/03) : DD (10/05)
    Reagan (m/c 3/08, EDD 9/22/08) : Blighted Ovum (m/c 10/08, EDD 5/09)

  14. #104

    Smile lostagain

    i am a mom of 4 3 kids are over 18 years and my little boy is almost 2 we have been TTC since last year i finally got pregnant again which endet up in a MC 12 weeks later which was very very painful since i was at home all alone this baby was very wellcomed and we were looking forward 2 having another one but since that fatal MC in july of 2007 it seems like i have nothing but MC`s am i trying 2 hard or am i getting 2 old emotionaly i wanna keep trying but i think my body is refusing everything we don`t have insurance or extra money 2 go tru expensive doctors and such has anyone any natural remedees which could help

  15. #105

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    Gosh, I hate that any of us have to be here, but at least we can support each other and heal and hope together.

    I'm Lisa, 38, married to Ryan, 36, for 7-1/2 wonderful years. We decided to start TTC for the first time at the beginning of 2008. We were hopeful, despite my age, and were surprised and thrilled to get a positive on April 15th after 4 cycles.

    We were a little apprehensive not only because of my "advance maternal age," but also because about a week after conception (by our reckoning) I'd been to the emergency room 2x for a fever over 102 degrees. Despite telling the ER docs that we were TTC, I'd had 3 chest x-rays, a CAT scan with iodine dye, and antibiotics and ibuprofen for the fever and what turned out to be a UTI (with none of the usu. symptoms).

    We decided to wait to tell our families on Mother's Day, May 11th. It was a wonderful secret to keep. We started planning, picking out names, and preparing our home for our new addition.

    Thursday before Mother's Day, I was to have my first prenatal appointment and ultrasound at 8 weeks. I felt lousy that morning and left work for the ER. I had (another, double-shielded) was diagnosed with pneumonia. Although I'd started spotting, a pelvic exam showed that my cervix was closed. An ultrasound showed the sac measuring at 5W3D instead of the 8W2D I thought it would be according to my LMP. There was no sign of a fetal pole. My beta level was 15000+. The docs didn't seem concerned about the spotting nor ultrasound. I was admitted overnight for the pneumonia and released the next day.

    That afternoon I continued to spot and felt a severe cramp. I decided to rest. The spotting turned into bleeding and worse cramping overnight. I called the on-call OB Saturday night. She said "It sounds like you're miscarrying. The pain and bleeding will probably get worse. Come in Monday" to the practice for a follow-up.

    Saturday at bedtime the occasional cramps became almost continuous and came with clotting and alot of bleeding. The calls we made on Sunday, Mother's Day, were the hardest I've ever made. We had wanted to share our joy with our families, not our sorrow.

    Monday afternoon when I went in to the OB, he sent me straight to ER. [I wish the on-call OB had told me to go to emergency if the pain and bleeding were so bad. I wouldn't have had to suffer as long as I did. We just followed instructions. We didn't know what to do!] My beta level was down to 5000. I ended up having a D&C that evening.

    I know this is long. I just haven't really written it down anywhere, and it's been therapeutic to document the entire ordeal. I know that you ladies unfortunately understand.

  16. #106

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    Momy25,Mary,Lostagain and Losabia,
    I am so sorry to find you here and i am so sorry for the loss of your children.
    I understand the pain and the path you must walk down, I pray for easier days for you.

    Jill
    Solomon Ross is here! Born 3/25/2009 7 Lbs. 1.3 ounces 19 1/2" long
    DS Samuel born into heaven 3/19/2008 at 26 weeks.

  17. #107

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    Hello everyone,

    My name is Shanay and I am 26 years old. Me and my husband have been married for 6 years, but been together for 10. We have been trying all this time. I found out I was pregnant in January. I had a miscarriage on May 13, 2008 at 20 weeks. I had to go threw the whole labor proscess and that was so painful because I knew that our daughter was not coming home with us. Everything was fine. I woke up one morning and had to have a bowel movement I thought. I knew then something was wrong because I started bleeding. I went to the doctors office and he told me that I was going into labor to soon and that the baby coundn't survive on her on and that he coundn't stop the labor. 2 that next day I had a beautiful girl and everyhting had developed but her lungs. I am stll heart broken about it and wonder if there was something that I could have did to prevent it, but the doctor has already told me that there was nothing noone did, that just was going to happen. I am going for a checkup tomorrow and hope that everything is ok and that he can tell me when I can start to conceive again. I just wonder about so much that nothing matters. I have no feeling and dont feel like doing anything. I no things will get better and I will be writing back to tell my wonderful story of my little one soon. I just hope it is sooner than later, to try and fill that empty spot.

    I hope my story has helped someone and everyones story has helped me.

    LOVE AND TAKE CARE TILL NEXT TIME!!!!!!

  18. #108

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    Hi Shanay,
    Sorry to see you here and sorry for your loss.
    It's totally normal to not have much feeling for anything. I think it's your body's way of handling stress, kind of a time out so you can recoup.
    I do hope to see you back in the forums with better news someday soon.

    Jill
    Solomon Ross is here! Born 3/25/2009 7 Lbs. 1.3 ounces 19 1/2" long
    DS Samuel born into heaven 3/19/2008 at 26 weeks.

  19. #109

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    Shanay.

    Im very sorry for your loss... I unserstand how you feel. I lost my baby girl at 18 week to went through labor to. Take your time you just lost your baby,

  20. #110

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    Hello again everyone,

    I'm glad that I know other women have been threw the same thing that I have. That lets me know that nothing I did was wrong. I love my husband and he is trying to be so strong for me. Without him I don't think that I would have made it this long. God is good and I think that this is his way of letting us know that we are not in control and to open up our eyes and really look at the picture.

  21. #111
    Just me Guest

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    Hello,

    I found this site when I miscarried last month. It is the best one! I thank each of you for sharing your stories, tears, love, and compassion with all of us.

    My husband and I have been married for 13 years (already!) and have four children ages 2 to 9 years old. We conceived our our 5th little one in February. We told our kids when I was 8 weeks, and they wanted to tell the whole world, they were so excited!

    This pregnancy was different than my other ones were. My all-day sickness was so different than with either my boys or girls. I remember commenting to my husband one day that if there was another gender this baby would be it.

    When I was 8 1/2 weeks I had some spotting and bleeding. I had had that with my 3 previous pregnancies, so I wasn't worried. I was seeing a new doctor and they said to go to the ER for stat bloodwork and an ultrasound. I thought it was a waste of time, but better safe than sorry, so we went. Our little one had a heartbeat and everything was fine.

    Around week 10 my nausea diminished, and slowly continued to diminish. At my 11 week appointment my doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. I went in the next day for an ultrasound and the tec couldn't find a heartbeat, either.

    The baby came one day shy of 12 weeks, though he or she was only nine weeks in size.

    It just seems so unreal. I have to go on because I have family depending on me, yet I feel like I'm leaving part of my heart behind. It is getting a bit easier, but I have my moments. I think I'll have moments for the rest of my life. This weekend was one month since our baby was born. That was hard, too.

    A friend of mine, when I told her I miscarried the baby, told me she had lost one, too. He was 6 months old. She paused as she calculated: he would be 42 years old today. We never forget. She said people say we get over it in time, but we don't ever get over it, we just continue on.

    Thanks for having this fourm for all of us to share and be here for each other. My heart goes out to all of you.

    Mary
    Last edited by Just me; 06-13-2008 at 10:47 PM.

  22. #112

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    All these stories mad me feel so sad yet also reassured. I am so sad that any of us are here. It's heartbreaking and incredibly lonesome to go through a miscarriage. Husbands just can't understand completely and family / friends are wonderful...but it is just such a hard thing to explain to anyone. I wish everyone the healthiest recovery and succesful pregnancies. It is cool to see some of the earlier postings that have signatures now of their living children. That gave me a lot of hope.

    First I have to say that I have been struggling with endometriosis all my adult life. Not to go in to too much detail - but it relates to the complexity of my issues. There is no cure and the treatment is very complicated when you are trying to get pregnant. You can have surgery - but many times it grows back. All the Rx's out there take away your estrogen. You obviously need estrogen in order to get pregnant. It can also diminish naturally if you do not have periods; which you also need to get pregnant (sot of). Many women have had permanent (or temporary) relief of endometriosis from being pregnant. In my case, I have many lesions and they are percocet kind of pain when I have my period.

    So now to the pregnancies / losses.

    After TTC for a year, I finally conceived in Aug 07. My pregnancy was laden with nausea, vomiting and extreme endometriosis pain when I typically would have 'had' my period. (Turns out you can take narcotics during pregnancy but not advil! (huh!)) I had a little bit of spotting during week 8 and the Dr. said she could see it was just cervical- not coming from the pregnancy. But she agreed to do an u/s to 'make me feel better'. In I go for the u/s. I had seen the h/b at 6wks and got a good picture. During the 8 wk u/s she couldn't find the heartbeat. I was heart broken. I didn't want to wait to m/c on my own so I did a D&E.

    I accidentally got pregnant in October. We used protection and everything. I never got a period in between pregnancies so we were guessing at dates I conceived. Again they had me do an u/s at 6wks - saw a nice heartbeat and a good picture. But I had a very large cyst on one of my ovaries that the tech swore looked like a baby sac measuring the size of my LAST pregnancy. She took all kinds of pictures and the Dr. said the chances were so small, he wanted me to come back in 2 weeks to check then. In the meantime if I had any bad cramping, bleeding - go directly to ER. I made it the 2 weeks with no problem. Went back in for the u/s on my OVARY and it turns out the baby's h/b was gone. It measured exactly what it should have for that day but they just couldn't see a heart. The Dr. checked also. So again, I was crushed - just thought I was going in looking at the ovary and wound up doing another D&E. During that pregnancy I also was laden with all the symptoms plus endometriosis pain again.

    On the date of my very first due date, we conceived our 3rd pregnancy. I was again so happy to find out we were pregnant. This time felt different. They put me on 200mg progesterone which made me even more nauseous than regular m/s but was worth it. At 6 weeks we saw the h/b again. At 7 wks I ended up in ER b/c of horrible pain - thought it was appendicitis but turned out to be my endometriosis pain had probably developed on my intestines (a new place) which put me on percocet for a day and rested. At 8 weeks I started cervical bleeding. Again Dr. told me that the cervix was very vascular + extra progesterone made it sensitive. She told me only if it got more like period bleeding - go back. So yesterday it felt different. Even though the bleeding hadn't really changed - I had this horrible gut feeling. I called the Dr. again - cervical bleeding but she wanted to do an u/s because of my history and my gut feeling. No heartbeat again. Measured 9.2 weeks. She encouraged me to do another D&E because this one would be harder and more painful to pass - much more attached so I could bleed to death, etc. So we did a D&E last night.

    Today I feel completely, utterly numb and so sad. Right now I don't ever want to get pregnant again. I want a family but honestly do not think I can handle this again. I really don't think I can take this again.

    So many women's stories out there are so much worse than mine. I think I would die if I had to labor and deliver a fetus that died. You women are unbelievable saints. I can't even fathom what that was like. But it was so reassuring to me that other people have been through this pain (more pain than mine) and are ok.

    So thank you for making things ok for all of us. Everyone is so strong. We really appreciate it.

    Sorry this is so long. But I feel better after just getting this out.

  23. #113

    Question

    Hello everyone,

    Everything is the same with my last reply. I am still trying to conceive from my miscarriage that I had in May. These messages are hope that I can do this with the help of family memebers and husband. I just hope that I can conceive again. I had been trying for 8 years before I got pregnant and just hope that it don't take another 8 years again. Have anyone every tried the ovulation calendar before. Does it work.

  24. #114
    stephaniev Guest

    Default No words to describe

    Hello all, I just wanted to say that I'm deeply sorry for all the losses everyone here has had to incur.

    My husband and I were married in July 2007 and wanted to wait a little while before TTC. I went off birth control in March 2008 and that was my LMP. I've always had an irregular cycle (about every other month) so I didn't suspect I was pregnant for a while, I thought I was just waiting for my period to come. I'd taken several negative HPTs in May and finally took a positive one on May 29th. I had it confirmed by a blood test and we were on our way.

    Everyone was confused as to when I was due because of A) always having an irregular cycle and B) just having gone off BC. We'd had our initial checkups and all of my bloodwork was good, I've never had an irregular pap before so I hoped this pregnancy would be smooth sailing. We had an early ultrasound (transvaginal) so determine how far along I was. I had the ultrasound on June 24th. She concluded that I was 6 weeks and 3 days, there was a heartbeat but it was slow (only 82) so she scheduled me to come back the following Tuesday for another ultrasound. June 27th (friday morning) I woke up with the urge to urinate (not uncommon) but I looked down and there was blood everywhere. In the bathroom I panicked and was crying and knew this wasn't right. There was clotting and tissue being expelled. I was rushed to the E.R. and after 3 hours, an ultrasound, vaginal exam, and testing of the tissue, the doctor confirmed that I had a spontaenous miscarriage. He didn't believe there would be a need to do a D&C since it looked like my body had already gotten rid of almost everything on its own.

    There are no words to describe the emotions that a woman and man go through after experiencing this. Especially after you've told people that you're pregnant.

    I'm scheduling a follow up with my OBGYN this week to make sure I'm physically ok and to see if there was any other explanation for this.

    My husband and I do want to try again, but we'll wait a little bit. I'm scared to death now that I will go through this again and I don't know if I'll be able to handle this emotionally again.

  25. #115

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    When I was 18 years old I got a stomach infection that was suppose to leave me infertile from the medications I had to take. When I as 20 the infection came back, I was told by 3 different doctors that I was infertile due to the infections. A few years later I became pregnant, and was overjoyed. We bought a few items for the baby, including a pregnancy book. We set up a Doctor's appointment, a few days before it I started to bleed. I immediatly called the doctor and he had me come in to the clinic. He had me get blood drawn and then told me to wait for the results. When the results came he confirmed I was having a miscarriage. The next day I took all the baby items and the book back to the store. I was heartbroken. For a long time I felt like it was my fault because I was too excited and that I had jinxed myself. It took awhile to get over it because there was no ultrasound taken beforehand. The only "proof" I have that I ever was pregnant is a doctor's record saying the results were positive, and then another that confirms a miscarriage. Since there was no ultrasound done we guess on the gender. We decided it was a boy and named him Austin. That was April 14 2006.

    A few months after that I became pregnant again. I went to the same Obstetrician, he told me to take it easy and rest up. For the first 20 weeks I was on edge thinking I'd have another miscarriage at any moment. I didn't tell anyone other than husband that I was pregnant until 14+ weeks ( I actually had to finally say something because it was my birthday and my parents were coming over and I was already showing and had ultrasound pictures in frames). We bought a home doppler so that I could hear his heartbeat if I thought something was wrong. I am happy to report that I gave birth to a healthy baby boy on July 2 2007. He was 7 lbs 13 oz and 20.5 inches long, and 1 week overdue. His name is Hunter.

    I will never forget the miscarriage I had. It was very real and sad for us. I have come to accept though and I know we will meet someday in another place.
    Last edited by JennTheMomma; 07-12-2008 at 11:57 PM.
    Momma to 2 and expecting

  26. #116

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    I'm sorry for everyone's losses. I myself believe i might have had a miscarriage today, but don't know if i was ever really pregnant. So I'm wondering if anyone would walk through the pain to tell me what it looked like, I don't wanna be insensitive. I just don't know

  27. #117

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    hello everyone. my name is amanda, and i miscarried two weeks ago at 8 weeks. i'll share my story later, but i wanted to stop in and introduce myself as i'll probably be in this subforum and "waiting to try" for the next 3 months until i'm cleared to try again.

  28. Default

    I have never shared my story, and there isn't a better place to do so, I'm sorry that all of us here have such a sad thing in common but I'm happy that we are all able to help each other through our difficult times.

    My pregnancy wasn’t planned but we were very excited about it, my fiancé and had talked about kids and knew we wanted a family. When we found out I was expecting we were overjoyed. My first trimester was very nice. I never really got sick just a little nauseous every now and again. We had an ultrasound at 10 weeks and we had a beautiful perfect baby. We couldn’t be more pleased, I remember the day I got my ultrasound, Adam (my fiancé) couldn’t be there and right afterwards I had to pick him up from work, and on the way I cried so many happy tears and I just couldn’t wait to show him his little baby. From early on I just thought we were having a boy, it’s like I could feel it in my soul. But I wasn’t about to trust it because I was the one who didn’t think I was even pregnant.
    I went in for my 20 week ultrasound, and again Adam had to work so my sister went with me. That day we found out we had a precious boy, our Aidan Lucas. He moved so much during that ultrasound I’m surprised they could identify what his gender was! He started out breech and by the end he was flipped completely around. They took all of his measurements and sent me home with more pictures to show Adam. A sweet healthy baby boy. We went to Baby’s R Us and started our registry, Dinosaurs was our theme. Adam was so excited to be having a son. He kissed my belly everyday and read to us when we went to bed. Aidan knew his Daddy’s touch, whenever he would touch my belly Aidan would give me a swift kick. He was a mover he would kick me all day and roll around more than you could imagine. We called him our little soccer player.
    On Sunday Dec 23 I called the doctor because I hadn’t felt him move for almost a day and it was really strange for how much he normally moved around. They had me go to the hospital and have a heart monitor put on and have ultrasound. Adam finally was able to be there and see his baby on the ultrasound moving around… I’m so grateful for that. The heart beat was good and strong and the ultrasound looked normal… though I was still concerned because he wasn’t moving as much but I was told everything was ok, just to go home and rest. I was supposed to have an appointment that next Monday to follow up but my Doctor got stuck in the snow storm we had gotten so They moved my appointment to Wednesday Dec 26, with a different doctor.
    Aidan gave me a kick Christmas night when Adam touched my belly… that was his last kick.

    On Dec 26 I went into the doctors office and he went to check the heartbeat.. Nothing… I was convinced the doctor was a moron because sometimes he hid and you couldn’t find his heartbeat right away. It had happened quite often and scared me, and this doctor was barely touching me with the monitor. He made another appointment to go to the hospital and sent me home. I got in the car and just sobbed, I drove home about 15 minutes away just crying but telling myself the doctor it just stupid. Adam was at work and he doesn’t have a cell phone so I couldn’t get a hold of him. I called my mom and she drove up to take me to the hospital. For an hour I sat at home not knowing what to do, I felt terrible I couldn’t tell Adam what was going on. My mom took me to the hospital and they did an ultrasound and she wouldn’t let me see the screen, but she stayed cheerful so I kept telling myself everything’s ok. They sent me upstairs for the heart monitor. When the nurse came in she said that the doctor didn’t like what she saw on the ultrasound. I went to talk with my doctor where she told me he was gone. I just broke down I didn’t know what to think. All I can remember saying is I just want my baby. Just then Adam called my mom, I told him to come.
    I was induced that day on the 26 at about 6 pm, I delivered him the 27 at 2:20 pm. My beautiful baby boy looked so perfect. We held him and took some pictures and told him how much we loved him. I just hope he knows how much we loved him. I feel so lucky to have had such wonderful nurses everyone of them was so sweet to me, one of them was the one who was with me the Sunday before and she just came in and sat with me and hugged me and cried with me, it felt so good that they cared so much. I miss him so much I love this quote I found that I thought was just perfect….

    “Some people dream of Angels, We held one in our Arms”

    We are now expecting again and I am scared but more than that over joyed and I know Aidan is watching over us.



  29. #119

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    hope, thank you for sharing your story. that ultrasound picture in your sig is amazing!!!! it looks like your baby is having a good time in there

    i'll share my story. it's really not that exotic, and honestly....if it had to happen, this is about the best way it could have (when i compare it to other peoples' stories).

    i sort of had the "advantage" of not being naive about the things that can go wrong in pregnancy. my sister tried for 8 years, and then did IVF. the first time, it was a chemical pregnancy. the second time, she got pregnant with triplets. the two girls had twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome, and she lost one of them at 23 weeks. now, the surviving ttts twin has multiple scary health problems. so i didn't walk into this assuming tacitly that everything would go well, and i think that actually helped me.

    the first month we tried, we went all out--OPK and charting my BBT. 12 dpo, i got a faint positive. i had a little implantation bleeding, and then it stopped (i didn't worry about that, because my mom bled for most of her pregnancy with me). i regretted testing early, because i was terrified it would be a chemical pregnancy. but i still told everyone almost right away because i was about the burst from my good news.

    my first betas were GREAT: 656 at 15 dpo, and 1948 two days later. my progesterone was 42. i was thrilled!

    at 5w6d, i had a little bright red blood. and ultrasound revealed a yolk sac, but no heartbeat, and i was measuring a little small (5w2d). my progesterone was down to 16. the dr. hypothesized maybe it was vanishing twin syndrome, and he started me on progesterone just in case. i had another ultrasound on that thursday (6w2d)--no heartbeat or fetal pole, but there was good growth. he checked my hcg, and it was 16,000. he decided to do one more ultrasound and check hcg that monday (6w6d), but his gut feeling was that there was only about a 20% chance of it being a viable pregnancy. on monday, surprise! we got a heartbeat. it was a little slow (113), but i was SHOCKED and ECSTATIC!!! and then i got my hcg: 15,000. how could it have gone down?

    i had one more ultrasound, a week later (7w6d), and there was no heartbeat. i had REALLY gotten my hopes up. i had a d&c on tuesday--i would have been exactly 8 weeks.

    pathology didn't show anything, except that it was "products of conception." i had kind of been hoping to find out the sex, but no luck. the doctor is very optimistic about the future for me, and he's doing a bunch of tests and monitoring my food (i'm in recovery from anorexia, and he's encouraging me to gain some weight) over the next 3 months until i can try again.

    obviously this has been heartbreaking, but i really do think that being "sadder but wiser" bout pregnancy helped. and i've gotten wonderful support. i joined this board, however, because only people who have suffered a loss will understand why i'm still grieving months later, and i know that my need for support is ongoing. i think i'm probably going to have a real setback in healing when i get my first period (but, at the same time, i'm kind of looking forward to it, because it's a necessary step toward being able to try again).

  30. #120

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    Hi,
    42 and lost a surprise pregnancy.
    I am bummed and not with a lot of Net time right now.
    Just as I was looking forward it was over. My hormones dropped too low. And I had no appointment until 2 days before I lost it.
    I am a high risk usually but it's the keepin, not the gettin.
    Later I guess
    Been There-Done That
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    JR_42+, DW_41+.....
    #13Anna 3/95_#14Raven6/98_#18Robert 5/05_ #21? ESTA 3/09

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