Introductions

[Melly]

I agree with Kenzie. We can't blame ourselves. It is so difficult. As women it like we take too much responsiblitity for things that we actually cannot and did not control. I hope that we all will find peace in what has happened. Although I have not found that peace yet, I am still waiting and praying that it will come.

[mom2laila05]

We got married in Sept '04 and decided to TTC right away. We got PG the first cycle and had our baby girl just shy of 9 months later. healthy and perfect. I had a lot of m/s (all day for 17 weeks) and every other symptom in the book, but it was my reassurance.

We decided 4 months later that we would TTC after Laila turned 1. We did and got PG the first cycle again. We told everyone this time!! We found out the 11th w/ 3 HPT and announced it to the world basically. Shortly in I lost all symptoms, but deep down knew that no symptoms can be normal too. We saw the heartbeat on Sept 1st and I was so releived. Then my nerves came back again. I still had no symptoms. I started student teaching so I added a 30+ hour work week that i wasn't used to on my plate, plus just having a one year old around makes anyone exhausted, but yet I was still going strong. I just felt things weren't right, but constantly had the argument w/ myself to relax. Had a 10 wk appt and tried to hear the HB per my request (they don't usually try until 12 weeks). I had heard it w/ Laila before 9 weeks so I figured I'd hear it and promised myself I'd relax. Well, we didn't hear it, but was a bit reassured by the nurse saying that it is highly unlikely to hear it that early. So I forced myself to relax.
2 days later I got a smidgen of blood. I didn't worry too much, but the next day it was worse. Called the midwife, she said to take it easy and come in the next day for testing. That night it got a bit worse and the next morning too. They got me in and DH met me there. She checked me and I had a lot of blood so she sent me for the u/s. They told DH to wait. They did the u/s, told me to go get dressed. I pretty much knew then, yet still let my heart have hope. If they wouldn't call DH in then things weren't right. I did not wnat to ask any questions for fear I'd be able to read the ladies face and not have DH there for support. We met in the room and I started to cry. As soon as our midwife walked in I knew. I said things aren't right and she jsut shook her head. This was MOnday Oct 2, 2006. 3 days ago.

It all happened and was over within hours of then. I started immediatly cramping and bleeding and just made it home in time to get the worse of it all (I am RH Neg and had to go for a rhogam shot). The pain was worse than labor. All I kept thinking was how we saw it alive and within days it died and I had been carrying it inside me for 4 weeks. It's a wreck of emotions, but our baby girl gets us through. I know God had his plan and we will survive.

I wish everyone the best of luck w/ their TTC and my prayers go out to all!!

[Melly]

I am so sorry for your loss. I remember when I new something was wrong it was a horrible feeling to have no control over what is happening.

Good luck with Student Teaching. I taught for 5 years. It is a great profession. I am sending you lots of strength for this year through your new career and your loss.

[mom2disney6]

Well I guess it's my turn. I'll try not to make it too long.

In Oct 2004 my little girl was born. I had a complication called placenta increta and nearly had a hysterectomy, but finally recovered. Our dd was child #5 and we did not plan on having any more children. Then came Dec 2005 and low and behold after having one very light af, I was pregnant. We were in shock, but quickly got over it. I started spotting at 9 wks, but the baby was fine. This continued for about 4 wks with 2 episodes of bright red gushes. But our little angel was moving and had a great heartbeat. At 18 wks I had a level II u/s and all was well. So I started to relax, figuring that we were past what ever had been going on and that we would be bringing home a baby in the summer time.

Two weeks after the u/s, I got up to take dd to the doctor and run other errands. I remember thinking 'why am I peeing myself so much today?' but I didn't think a whole lot about it, after 5 kids your bladder doesn't hold too well. But a couple of hours later, I realized that my pants were wet, I knew that wasn't right. I called the doc and went to labor and delivery. By now I'm wearing a pad, because everytime I move there is leakage. Deep down I knew it was over, but I tried to hold onto hope. Well they try to check my cervix and find a bulging bag of waters. My little one is still moving and still has a great heartbeat, but I'm contracting and ruptured. During this whole time I only had one big gush of fluid, my little angel died during the night, she just couldn't handle all the fluid loss. I delivered her a few hours later, sadly while I was throwing up. She was perfect in every way. 10.6 oz and 10 inches long.

A lot of healing has taken place since then. It took a long time to come to an understanding of how God could let this happen. I know that there is a purpose for everyone, including little Hannah. When I finally get to go to heaven, I'll finally get to know all the reasons why. I still have some bad days, but most are good. I deal with a lot of guilt for mourning my child when I have 5 other miracles and some people have none. I'm nearly 12 wks pregnat with #7, conceived on Hannah's due date. There's a lot of anxiety and worry, but I'm gonna get through this. What doesn't kill you, Will make you stronger. I have had two early losses, but this is the one that I will never get over, but I will get through it.

[EAugustin]

First of all I must say that APA has meant soo much to me.. It has given me strength when I thought I had none.. As well as prayers. but to know that there is such a group that is so open and so supportive in whatever it is I need to let out I could not say what it means to me.. And in that.. My story...

My Third Pregnancy started out pretty much as my other 2 sons did.. I got sick to my tummy with anything I ate so I thought ok.. MUST BE ANOTHER BOY!! but come to find out I was to have a princess.. I could not be happier.. I would be able to experience my little dream of being able to dress a little girl.. Then at 5 months I had to stay in the hosp. because for the first time my asthma was so bad I need more med's then I ever had to use.. but through it all they said that I needed the med's cause if I couldn't breathe neither could my Anjelique.. and so days passed and on Jan.23, 2006 I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl I could have ever imaged.. She was so tiny to me at 6lbs and 11ozs.. I was almost afraid to hold her yet I didn't want them to take her away from me... And we took her home and she grew so fast it seemed right before our eyes.. Though Anjie was breastfeeding I had to give her formula as well because my milk production wasn't as good as it had been with the boys.. and we had to try 3 different formulas until we found Good Start was good for our Pretty Girl.. and even through hard nights of her crying in my arms it was me who could calm my princess down and be able to bring that smile that people couldn't believe she had already at such a young age... We took her for her Month check up and she was already at 11 pds.. HOW PROUD we were.. She even smiled at the doctor.. and time passed on (too fast) then on the Night of April 6th I laid my sweet Pretty Girl down to sleep not knowing that her smile that she gave me in her sleep would be the last I would be blessed with.. and she passed in her sleep on April 7th due to SIDS.. Needless to say this is the most pain a person can feel to lose their child and I am still in pain everyday.. Though I look up and know our Princess Anjelique is looking down on us my arms ache for her.. Yet through this pain someway we are now having the honor of soon welcoming another addition to our family who is our Peanut who is due a week before her sister's B-day.. as you can image emotions are more then sometimes I can handle.. but like I said I am blessed to have been able to love my Princess Anjelique and to have my 2 sons and to know that because of this group I have found some strength I thought I wouldn't have..

Thank you all...

[stash]

Although I have not found that peace yet, I am still waiting and praying that it will come.

It will, it just takes an unfortunately long time.

[Maisie's Mom]

mom2laila05--

Monday, October 2, 2006 was a very bad day. I would have liked to have skipped it. You lost your baby that day and I found out that mine no longer had a heartbeat. Very bad day.

I hope that you're healing.

[redtoptbrd]

I have been reading and crying all day. I am happy to have found you all. I have been married for a year now. We found out last month we were pregnant. This was a great suprise to us dh is 57 and I am 43. We decided not to tell anyone but family for the first trimester. Oct 2 was dh's birthday and the date of our first ulta sound. My mom was hear for it, we all went to the tech room. I new this tech from other apointments I also have had cancer three times in the last year. This tech usualy talkes and jokes but said nothing and my dh was saying nothing. the tech did both internal and external ultrasounds and I was told to get dressed. When I returned to the room my ob was on the phone and my fear was tremendous. she told me the baby was dead and had died at least a couple of weeks prior. Three days later they did the d and c and removed some more cancer. Everyone thinks I should be over this but I am not... I have had two other miscarages but i have never felt like this in my life. I can't help but think I wish I had been in a car wreck or something. I just cant wrap my head around this one. I am not looking forward to going back to work... I have been out on fmla due to a hostal and stressful work environment. I know when I go back there will be things said in spitefulness about my age and having a child. Please pray for me to have compassion towards those people. Thank you all for being here for me I just need to talk to someone that can understand why I can't stop crying or why I can't get anything done. How long before I can function again?

[Melly]

Welcome to APA. I thank God you found us too. After reading your story, I can see why you are feeling so heartbroken. You have every right to feel the way you do. Take it one day at a time. Feel free to tear some of those negative peoples' heads off if you need to. It will help to get them off your back.

We will here for you.

[ljs318]

redtoptbrd, welcome to APA. I'm sorry you had to join us, but glad that you found us. I think people don't realize how hard it is to have a loss unless they have been through it. I have found that the people who have been the kindest to me are the ones who have gone through something similiar. Please come here whenever you need the support of women who know what you are going through.

I also want to thank everyone for sharing their stories. I found it so helpful in the beginning to know that I was not alone and I was not crazy for the feelings that I had. It helps me to know that months later it is still normal to feel sad and get upset and that with my due date approaching that it gets harder again before it gets better. This place has been such a gift and such a help in my healing process.

THANK YOU ALL!

[3andMe]

Welcome. There is no set answer for how long it takes. You will never forget, but it does get easier. Time and support seem to be the best remedies. APA helps a lot. I am sorry for your loss, and sorry as well to hear that you don't have supportive people at your work that can at least be understanding about this. You are going through a lot right now, and anyone or anything that isn't helping you should be avoided, ignored, or confronted, depending on what it is and how you feel about it. You need to be good to yourself right now.

[redtoptbrd]

Thank you all so much for listening to me and for sharing with me. I can feel the support you give and am grateful for the care you give that support with. I feel a bit better today and hope each day will help me grow stronger. To each of you I would say you are remarkable women, sharing your hopes, dreams, fears and pain with everyone and giving the love to help others heal all losses are painful and you are the women that know that it matters not if you have been unable to conceive or have conceived and lost those hurts all matter and each person hurts and heals differantly. My thoughts and prayers are with you all and I can't thank you enough for being here for us all. My hope for all is peace love and joy to you my new friends. Jana

[Kiriall]

While it wasnt long ago I was posting my BFP post, alot has changed. I just moved to a new town a few weeks ago, and was researching what doctor to go to.....but October 10 I woke up to having extremely painful cramps and light bleeding. I woke my husband up because I knew something wasnt right, he told me to get dressed and we would go to the hospital. I, of course, started telling him I didnt need to go...but he insisted...so we went. As I was sitting in the waiting room the light bleeding very quickly turned to VERY heavy bleeding, and everything went worse from there. They did ultrasounds and other testing, and sent me directly in for a d&c. Needless to say, my whole world crashed, once again. This is now my third m/c. I had waited seven years to try again, after having 2 missed m/c in a year. Now, going through it again, I wonder at what point do I admit defeat and say this wasnt meant to be?

I appreciate all of you here at APA. I have found alot of comfort and answers here. I will be going back to the doctor on tuesday to hopefully find some answers.

My heart goes out to all of you who have been through the loss and heartache. I know from experience it is not an easy thing to go through, and I agree time eventually makes it easier. I had hope a few weeks ago, but now I am back at square one.

Thanks for being here to let me vent a little.

[Melly]

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that your doctor will be able to give you some answers.

[mombeemer]

double posted. sorry.

[mombeemer]

Hi, I’m Jeannie. I’ve been lurking around this board for a while now, reading your stories, crying with you. APA has been a great support.

I feel really awkward about this, strange. But I’m only getting worse. And this seems like the best place to tell my story – to get it off my chest. And Stacy recently posted something that mirrored how I was feeling – more impetus for me to talk about it.

In April I gave birth to Branden. My husband and I continue to be overjoyed. I wish everyone this kind of blessing in their life. Not long after his birth, my husband and I say to each other – why haven’t we done this sooner?

But I almost did this sooner. Twice. It was a long time ago and I had nearly forgotten. It’s hard to believe that I could forget – and maybe it’s not that I forgot, I just hadn’t thought about it in a long time.

You see, when I was 18, which is now 16 years past, I got pregnant. It was my first year in college, I wasn’t with my boyfriend very long and I was scared. I didn’t know what to do and my boyfriend was “leaving it up to me.” So I avoided making a decision. Time passed and I got further and further along and I tried to think of ways to tell my parents. But suddenly the decision was made for me – I miscarried at 14 weeks and had a D&C. I never told anyone about it. The only one that ever knew was my boyfriend. To be honest, we were relieved. Or I thought I was relieved. And we did not talk about it again.

Fast forward two years. Same boyfriend and I got pregnant again. This time I chose to terminate the pregnancy. That’s what my doctor called it – a termination. It was a snap decision and happened as quickly as it was made. I was only 6 weeks pregnant. Once again, the only one who ever knew was the boyfriend. And we never spoke of it again.

Boyfriend and I break up – permanently. Life moves on. I don’t think about it.

Fast forward to August, 2006. Branden is almost 4 months old. He’s nursing to sleep. We’re rocking and I’m stroking his hair, thinking to myself how wonderful he is. I think, If he’s this wonderful, how would my other children have been?

What?

In that moment I have a flood of memories. I start crying uncontrollably and Shaun has to take the babe. He is dumbfounded. He has no idea why I am crying – no, wailing. It was like running into a brick wall, only this wall hurt in a much deeper way. Of course I knew I had miscarried and had an abortion – I knew these things intellectually. But I had no idea of what they meant at the time. Young and dumb, I hadn’t grieved. I had packed the thoughts of what had happened away, foolishly, never knowing that by not dealing with them then, I would have to deal with them later. I had never mourned those children.

I am crying now, again, and can hardly finish my story. I don’t even know how to begin to truly deal with these losses. All that time ago I had not understood that they were losses, not in the sense that I understand them now. Now I think about them all the time. What would they have looked like? Were they boys, were they girls? They would be teenagers now! If I had them then, would I have Branden now? I possibly could have had one of them – so I am finally mourning my miscarriage, and regretting, guiltily, the abortion, the babe that never had a chance. (I ask myself, again, if I had that one, would I have this one.)

The questions keep coming, the tears keep flowing; I hug my son closer to me. I have to love him enough for three, and I think I do. I guess this is the beginning of my grieving process.

Thanks, ladies, for reading.

[ali's june baby]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It breaks my heart that so many of us have to experience losses.

Here's my story:

My husband and I started TTC in August of 2004. I found out I was pregnant Labor Day, 2004. Everything was going fine. On January 4, 2005, we found out that we were having a boy. We named him Hunter. Both DH and I were so excited. In February, we moved out of state. I was still working in Illinois, so I would drive back and forth and stay in Illinois with my mom on the weekdays. The first week in February I left our house in Wisconsin at 5 in the morning so I could get to work in Illinois by 8. I slipped and fell and broke my ankle. DH carried me to the ER, and the doctor assured us the baby was fine, even though she did not do any tests. I was still nervous, but I thought I would wait until my doctor's appointment the next week, since I thought I felt Hunter move. On February 10th, I worked my last day in Illinois, and went to my last OB appointment there, before switching to a new OB in Wisconsin. It was weird, I hadn't felt Hunter move, but I wasn't worried about it. But I sat in the waiting room, looking at the other women, thinking that I looked smaller and less pregnant. They called me back, and instead of weighing me and getting a urine sample like usual, they put me on the table to check for a hb. It was like they already knew. I had been leaking fluids for about a week, but I had not thought anything of it, thinking (embarrassly) that I was losing a little bladder control. The nurse found no hb. SHe called the doctor in. He checked. He said "we need an U/S". I started to get really nervous. As they did the u/s, I saw my little angel's face. He looked so peaceful. But, there was no tell tale flash of a hb. The doctor grabbed my hand, and said "I'm sorry, your baby's heart has stopped beating, and he stopped growing". I will never forget that. I was rushed to the hospital, were I was given 3 more u/s to confirm that Hunter had passed. I was 27 weeks.

DH was already living in Wisconsin, and he rushed to Illinois to be with me. At the hospital, we were given the options, I could deliver Hunter, or I could be referred to a specialist, who could preform a D & E. The D & E is like a D & C, but done in as a surgery in a hospital. I was given that option because they thought Hunter was smaller than 27 weeks, at which the surgery would be dangerous. I was a mess and could not deliver vaginally. I was scheduled for a D & E. My water broke, and I was rushed back to the hospital. It appears that the leaking I had for a week, was actually leaking amniotic fluid. I blamed myself for not knowing. It was speculated, however, that Hunter's loss was caused by a cord accident. Though my water broke, I was not in labor, so I had the D & E on 2/16/05. It was horrible. Hunter was very large, and I should have had a c section or delivery. THere were complications, and a lot of pain. The emotional pain was a lot worse. It then took me 6 months to conceive Ian, and a lot of marital stress because of our differences in dealing with our loss. Ironically, I also went into labor with Ian at 26 1/2 weeks, and luckily, my doctor was able to stop my labor twice.

I love Ian with all my heart. I just wish I had both of my boys in my arms. But I know that Hunter is my little angel in heaven, looking after his daddy, mommy, and little brother.

I am so sorry of all of your losses. It is wonderful to have this site and to have a few shoulders to cry on.

[stash]

Jeannie... I've been thinking about your post since I read it and waited to respond because I wanted to think about what to say to you.

I've decided what I want to say. I read your post and thought how eloquently you expressed such a very hard set of emotions.

It's amazing what having a baby in your arms can do to change your perspective on life, and on your past. I can't say I've experienced what you have, but... I know that now I see my losses in a very different perspective... now that I know what I missed by losing Jasper.

I just wanted to offer you some hugs, and one little bit of light, if you can see it. You have to focus on Now, sweety. Things in the past are anchors that will prevent you from enjoying each and every second of the Present. As hard as it is, the past is exactly that.

I know I sound all New Age and freaky when I say that, but it's the truth with a capital T.

Stacy

[jules]

Hi, my name is Heather and I am fairly new to APA. A friend of my suggested that I check out the site after having my first miscarriage Sept. 1st. I have found the site to be full of information and theraptic. My husband and I are trying to concieve again so hopefully it will work and stick this time. I wish everyone the best of luck and tons of baby dust!

[Melly]

Welcome Jules,

Lots of Sticky Baby Dust to you.

Mel

[zmom]

I'm in tears reading all of your stories....you are all so strong. I'm so very sorry for all of your losses.

[Suzie]

Hi, here's my story,

I was 20 when i first found i was pregnant, i lived with my boyfriend and was as happy as anything to find we were expecting, although we wernt married. At 8 1/2 wks our excitment was over, i started to lose a brown discharge, was told by my GP to rest for a cpuple of days as it could be fine as i wasnt losing fresh blood,but 2 days later it turned to blood and i was taken to hospital for a D&C, i felt so sad but tried to put it behind me as i knew we could try again, 17 months later (by this time we were married) i was pg again, i worried the whole way through but this time everything was fine and i gave birth to a healthy boy.

The marriage broke down but i soon met my next husband to be and 3 years later was pg again wasnt so worried this time as the last baby was fine, sure enough 9 months past and i gave birth to another healthy baby boy.

Then 10 years have past and on 19th August this year we had the shock of our lives to find i was pg again, we hadnt been trying as we wernt planning on any other children, my hubby was devastated as he DIDNT want anymore children, he is 40 and i am 37, so we went through the next couple of weeks in an emotional turmoil as i wanted to keep the baby. eventually he came round and everything was fine, we went on a mini cruise with a load of our friends and while on board i started to lose a brown discharge....i knew exactly what was hapening, it took around 24 hours and i started to lose fresh blood, i just got into the medical room on the ship when i had this sudden urge to go to the bathroom, the pain by that time was unbearable, it was worse than the labour with my 2 boys, i just got to the bathroom in time as our baby came, i was only 11 1/2 weeks pg but we saw the baby in almost perfect form...my heart was broken...this happened on the 1st of october...4 weeks now.

What hurts the most is that this pregnancy wasnt planned, the turmoil of hubby getting used to the idea and then taken away from us....i wanted this baby so much...the emotional pain seems to be getting worse not better.

Thankyou for listening, sorry it took so long.

[Melly]

Welcome to APA. I am so sorry for your losses. I also lost my baby at 11 weeks. It is hard. I hope that you will find peace. It has been 6 months and I am still not complete. I feel better and time has helped.

Hugs.

Mel

[Woogelaide]

Hi everyone-

I originally posted in July due dates, but it's not going to work out. I'm have my 2nd MC right now.

No full term births yet.

-Jen

[Melly]

I am so sorry. We are here for you.

Mel

[xtrememousey]

I haven't really talked about it since it happened but here's the story. My DH and I got married in July '04. About a month later a good friend of mine had her baby. After the first time we babysat, we started talking about it and at the end of the month (oct '04) we were at the store to get my BCP and he just looked at me and said...."don't worry about, let's just go home" so Nov'04 was when we started TTC. fast forward 12 months and a diagnosis of PCOS later i started the drug cocktail of metformin, prevera, and clomid. In April '06 i decided to see what would happen if I just stopped for a month. No drugs all of April because i had a DR's appointment on the 28th. Took a test there and it was neg, so she put me back on the drugs. I took the provera and nothing happened. I got no AF no nothing except really sore boobs (lol). I took an HPT on May 10th and it was a BFP. I was in shock....I couldn't believe it....so over the next 2 days i took 5 more tests....all BFP....and it was mother's day weekend....so we told his family, mine would have to wait until father's day because i want to tell them in person and we were going to Chicago to visit and would be there on father's day. Went to the dr to get a blood test that monday and it was confirmed that i was between 3 and 4 weeks, easily missed at like 1 week at the dr's on the 28th of April.

We were ecstatic to say the very least.....and then at work that next saturday i started spotting. My store manager took me to the ER. I knew then it was over.....but the ER dr kept saying that my cervix was still closed so i might not be miscarrying. The other thought was that I was on clomid so I could be miscarrying one of a set of twins. They sent me home and said that if the spotting got worse or I passed any clots I should come back. So we came home and I was physically in a lot of pain. The next morning I passed 2 fairly large clots in the shower and DH took me back to the ER. They did an ultrasound to see if it was multiples and i lost just one but that was not the case. They had started talking about a D&C but I was already passing the baby well, so we decided to just let it happen naturally.

My vacation was emotional he!! and I never did tell my parents. I think about it all the time and am almost terrified of seeing a BFP because I don't know if this will happen again. My world did a 360+ in 11 days and I just don't know how I would handle that again.

You ladies help keep me strong and I cried at every story.
leyla

[Melly]

Leyla,

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you get a BFP soon that will turn into a healthy 9 months.

Big Hugs.

Mel

[katkev04]

Thank you for all of your stories ladies. I was on APA starting in May, after finding out I was prenant after only a few months TTC. I had some HCG scares and some dark brown spotting early on, but no overall problems. A couple of sonograms showed slower growth than I was expecting, so I chalked it up to bad counting on my part. I had no noticeable pregnancy signs, and I worried constantly. I think deep down I knew something was wrong. Father's day weekend, I started spotting, which turned bad, ending in a D&C on Father's Day. No know reason, just first pregnancy stuff, although I was 11 weeks along or so. My DH has been wonderful. We are going to start trying again in June or so, thanks everyone for your stories. I'm glad to be back here where everyone is so supportive.

Katie

[Kristen]

We lost our baby last week - I was at 13 weeks and was supposed to be past the "scary" time.

I'm not sure how we move forward through all of this - the best I can figure is that you just let yourself feel and live through the pain.

I've appreciated reading all of the posts in here and it does help to know that there are people out there that REALLY get it when it comes to losing something you wanted so badly.


Kristen

[newmommie06]

Kristen,

I am very sorry about your loss. I know how I felt when I lost my twins and how I was feeling shortly after that so I can feel your pain.

You're are absolutely right, you let yourself feel and live through the pain. Things will get better, you will have your bad days and your good days just know that we are here for you and we all unfortunately share the pain.

Take care of yourself.