Pam - Of course I remember you dear & good for you for continuing down the TTC path. I am so happy & thrilled for you & DH to be carrying twins after a successful IVF cycle. Your story is very inspiring to this thread. Thanks for sharing & best of luck with those LO's!!
Hi everyone. My name is Pam and I was an active member on this board when I underwent my first IVF cycle back in July 2009. I was cycle buddies with Janie, Sarah, and Adriene. Rhonda, do you remember me? A natural miscarriage and a spontaneous ectopic pregnancy brought me to IVF. Anyway, my first cycle back in July was a BFN. Ever since, I've been silently keeping up and rooting for all of you. I disappeared because I found it easier to go through all of this on my own and spreading the news of disappointment was very hard for me. I don't know if that makes sense, but when I'm hurting, I tend to isolate myself. And that's what I've been doing for the past 9 months.
Anyway, I'm writing to hopefully give you hope. After my BFN in July, I jumped right back on the horse and did IVF #2 in September. Another BFN. The clinic I was going to was huge and I just didn't feel like they paid attention to detail or personalized anything. And although my insurance covered all of the costs at that clinic, I left and went to a new RE that wasn't covered. Ouch. But it's so worth it. Anyway, I didn't waste any time and I went through IVF #3 in November/Decemer. BFP! But my HCG #'s weren't doubling properly and they soon found out it wasn't a healthy pregnancy. I miscarried at 10 weeks. A miscarriage after IVF is so much worse than a negative. What a tease. And I have to say that after each failed cycle it was like someone kicked me in the stomach while I was down, and each time it was harder and harder to get back up.
I started exploring adoption and went to an adoption meeting. I started looking into DE. I am 37 years old, and was almost convinced that maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother. I've always had an amazing connection with kids and thought that was all I was ever meant to be, but was starting to come to grips that, no matter how badly I wanted it, maybe this wasn't in God's plan for me.
BUT, I wouldn't let myself give up. Once I was cleared after my m/c, I started IVF #4 in April. My embryo quality was never good in the past, and I usually ended up with only morulas on day 5. And poor embryo quality is something that can't be changed. I really thought I was doomed. Anyway, on day 5, I had an expanded blast (4BB)...I couldn't believe it! What progress! And 5 other early blasts. They transferred 3. After all of the embryos my husband and I made over the past year, we never had any make it to freeze. This cycle we actually had two! This seemed so surreal, and even if I didn't get pregnant, I was just so happy that we actually made it this far.
Well, my first HCG 9dp5dt: 260!
Second HCG 12dp5dt: 1408! Wow!
I had my ultrasound today and we saw 2 heartbeats both measuring perfectly. I'm in shock. I never thought I would be writing such good news.
But my point is to tell you that there's always hope. Don't give up prematurely. What kept me going was that the only guarantee of not becoming a mother was if I stopped trying. Believe me, I know how hard this journey is. There are some people that get lucky and they get pregnant on their first or second try, and it's wonderful! But there are others who may have to go through 4 or 5 or 6 cycles, and I completely understand how defeating repeated IVF failure is. The best decision I ever made was to switch clinics, pay out of pocket, and deplete our savings account. You need an RE who pays attention and who does the absolute best with what you give them. And a good RE will tell you if there's still hope or if it's time to move on to other options like DE. My new clinic was small and personal and they ran a tight ship. It felt really good to be their patient.
I hope this gives everyone some hope. I pray that all of you have great success in your journey. And I realize I'm not out of the woods yet. But, god forbid, if something happens, I'm going to get up and try again.
Good luck to all of you!