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Thread: Sort of an odd question maybe ..

  1. #1

    Default Sort of an odd question maybe ..

    If you have a stepparent or stepparents do they treat your children as their own grandchildren? How old you when they came into your life? Any step siblings?

    My answer to the questions above are: No my children aren't treated like grandchildren. I was 14 when my step-mom came into my life and 17 when my father and she married. I have two step siblings that are in their 40's that I hardly ever see.

    The reason why I am asking this is because I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick perhaps I have a jealous problem or perhaps I am not being treated fairly. I know its ridiculous I've known my step-mom for 11 years and we don't have a connection. She is hot and cold. We had a situation to where I was only going to ask my dad as he had planned for a total of 3 hours with the kids instead of 2 but, stated if he had other plans it was fine. He said yes she made a face. I asked her what was wrong? She said "Well the whole grandchild thing is your dad's idea". Good thing Cody and Sophia didn't hear it. We had a late breakfast with them as it was by the time they back to their house it would only given them 1 hour to even spend time together. Dad offered for us to have time for us to be alone a week before this was going to take place. For 1. My father sees us and the children maybe once a month for an hour at our house 2. My father and step-mom only visit with the children alone without us every 3 months. We live 20-25 minutes apart. My father goes to see every ballet, every little show his step granddaughters are involved in. The do so much more with her grandchildren. I asked my MIL's opinion she thinks its not fair how we are treated. We aren't ever invited to Christmas Eve Dinner with the whole family and my brother is. We were finally invited for Easter this year. Sad that we have to be "invited" but, we never know about these things until the day after. I am at a loss of what to do. Is it the same for anyone else on here? I am wanting too much for feeling like I should be included?
    *** Lindsay ***



  2. #2
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    I don't have a step parent but my husband has (had) both a stepfather and a stepmother. He never lived close to his dad and stepmom and they were both deceased when I met him. SFIL was nice enough to me but was never close to my husband or comfortable with him. I actually believe he interfered with the relationship between his wife and her sons. He passed away this summer and DH and his mother are rebuilding their relationship.

    He has two granddaughters and my MIL is very close to them, from what I understand. Since we don't have kids, I'm just glad she gets to have a hands-on grandparenting experience so I'm happy for her. I think I would be hurt if I did have kids and she preferred spending time with her stepson's children, however.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  3. #3

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    I am not in this situation, but I can understand how you would feel left out. If they are attending her grandchildren's events, but not yours, that's not really fair. Can you talk to your dad and tell him that you are hurt that they do not spend as much time with your children and that you would really like him to?

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by i.<3.cheesysmiles View Post
    I am not in this situation, but I can understand how you would feel left out. If they are attending her grandchildren's events, but not yours, that's not really fair. Can you talk to your dad and tell him that you are hurt that they do not spend as much time with your children and that you would really like him to?
    I agree with this. I can understand to a point where it might be easier/more comfortable for her to spend time with her biological children and grandchildren. But you have been a part of each other's lives for a very long time. Maybe if your dad knew how you felt he could talk to her. I would definitely feel the same way you do.


    Anne (37) DH (37) Olivia (4) Harrison (1)

  5. #5
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    I have a stepmother who treats my kids as her own grandkids. She has been in my life for a long while (age 5ish?) and does not have any biological children so the situation is different. It generally seems that the wife's family is "favored" in most ssituations so it does not surprise me that your Dad spends more time with his step kid's children. The only think I think you could do would be to specifically invite your dad to more events.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by preciousnd98 View Post
    I agree with this. I can understand to a point where it might be easier/more comfortable for her to spend time with her biological children and grandchildren. But you have been a part of each other's lives for a very long time. Maybe if your dad knew how you felt he could talk to her. I would definitely feel the same way you do.
    Quote Originally Posted by JJorn View Post
    I have a stepmother who treats my kids as her own grandkids. She has been in my life for a long while (age 5ish?) and does not have any biological children so the situation is different. It generally seems that the wife's family is "favored" in most ssituations so it does not surprise me that your Dad spends more time with his step kid's children. The only think I think you could do would be to specifically invite your dad to more events.
    I do want to talk to him but, I am not sure when if they are usually both together. We don't many events but, when we do they are always welcomed. I am trying to figure out how, when, and what to say without coming off as a drama queen. It is easy to type it out here but, IRL I am thinking of how to deal with it all.
    *** Lindsay ***



  7. #7
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    Would it help you to write out what you want to say in advance? You could even email him if you like, that way the conversation will just be between you and him (and not your stepmother).
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  8. #8

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    I have a stepdad and like your dad, he is much more involved in my Mom's kids/grand kids lives than his own kids. He seems to have a great relationship with his sons (they talk weekly if not daily on phone) but he doesn't see them or their kids (his grand kids) much at all. They do both live out of state so I am sure that's a factor.

    I have asked my mom if she thinks she should make more of an effort to include his family but it's not even a thought to her. So, I think the wives influence the choices. I know he really loves his sons but I think more effort could be made.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Would it help you to write out what you want to say in advance? You could even email him if you like, that way the conversation will just be between you and him (and not your stepmother).
    I wish he'd use email. He hates computers. I could write it out though before hand.
    *** Lindsay ***



  10. #10

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    I have discontinued the relationship with my father, however prior to that we had a conversation about his lack of involvement. He walked away from my mother (and my family ... as he was living with us at the time) almost 5 years ago when I was 31, so it's definitely a different situation.

    I have never considered his girlfriend (I prefer to use the word whore to describe her, however) anything other than HIS significant other. I made it clear when he left that they would never play "grandparents" to my children. I never allowed him to take my kids anywhere without me and certainly wouldn't allow the two of them to go off with any of my children. My father cheated on my mother and then decided to leave. You don't get rewarded for behavior like that. His girlfriend knew he was married, she'd met me and my mother, again ... you don't get rewarded for behavior like that. I specifically said to him, "she doesn't get to have my father and my kids."

    Because of my "policy" on exposure to the girlfriend, my father has spent very little time with my boys in the past 4.5 years. When I discussed this with him this past January he said "what do you expect, you want me to take them to the Zoo alone, without Linda?" Uh, no ... you, me, and the boys can go together. I mean, when is he going to spend any time with me, either?

    So, because he has chosen this woman, above all others, he has sacrificed his relationship with his daughter and his 3 grandsons. He doesn't really seem to care and likely views the situation as one forced by me and not as a result of his poor choices and actions.

    I have decided to cut him out completely because it's not worth it for me to be continually hurt by him. He filed for divorce this past June, without any forewarning, and in the paperwork claimed there were no children from his union with my mother. Nice. I'm just done with him. Truthfully, I only held on as long as I did for my boys to have a relationship with their grandfather, but I have come to realize that I don't really like the person my father has become and I don't really want him as a role model for my children. Sometimes I have a pang of guilt about my decision, but ultimately it's the healthiest one for me and my family.

    I hope you can find a way to get through to your father. The most difficult part for me has been that even when we talk and come to an understanding/agreement he goes back to Linda and talks with her and it gets all turned around again. I think it's pretty common for the female partner in any relationship to have more pull/influence on the relationships in their men's lives ... so I'm just not going to fight that.
    Dorcas (35) DH (36) 3/13



  11. #11

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    My DH's stepfather is for all intents and purposes my daughter's grandfather. His dad and my dad have both passed on, and DH's step dad is the only "Papa" she's ever known. She knows about her other grandpas, though.

    2/09 6/09 4/14 9/14

  12. #12

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    I do not, but my husband has both a step mother and a step father. His step father married his mother when he was... 1? Hubby will call him "Dad", but neither his step father nor his biological mother have done anything to earn that title, despite seeing him every other weekend and holidays. To this day, Maiya does not realize she has a third set of "grandparents". They've seen her once a year, and I always just refer to hubby mom as "Dad's mom". She lives an hour away, and didn't bother to come to the baby shower for this child. I have a friend who came from farther!! I don't expect her or the step dad to come to see him at all. If we don't go see them for Thanksgiving, then neither of them will probably see him until next Thanksgiving, when we go up there.

    And hubby's mom's husband, whom my husband has called dad since he could talk, does have 4 kids and more grandkids than I can count. THOSE children are adored and treated like grandchildren, by both MIL's husband and MIL herself. They go to their parties, buy them stuff, invite them over, take them out to Disneyland and such. Not my kid(s)! She treats her husband's children and grandchildren more like hers than she treats her own child and grandchildren. Her husband does even worse. He never did come to see Maiya (it took her 5 months), and only met her when we finally brought her up there. So suffice it to say, no, that step parent does not treat either my children or his wife's only child like his own. For that matter, neither does the biological parent!

    Oddly enough, his dad and step mom do a bit better. However, he is also his dad's only child (mom's only child, too), and the SMIL does not have children. So I can whole heartedly say that they treat him just like their other children- like he practically doesn't exist. They do better than his mom and step dad, but not much. SMIL will occasionally drop by to give Maiya presents, but doesn't try to see Maiya very often. They do invite us over a few times a year, usually when they have company and want to show us off. We just moved, and his dad let us use his truck to move our mattress, and that was the extent of the help we got from them. Maiya at least knows this set of grandparents as grandparents, and so far loves them. But, she loves everyone, and I wonder if, when she's older, she will realize that the just aren't very... involved. I don't know. We try to keep a relationship with these guys, at least, so maybe they'll be ok. I don't know about baby #2, though. They keep telling me that the best thing about us having a second child is that now they have a "reason" to watch Maiya more often. They've said "once he is born, let us watch Maiya so you can bond with him!" Uh... You don't want to meet your new, and only, grandson? And, why the heck do you need a REASON to spend time with your granddaughter anyway? You can spend time with her any time! They always ask what she wants for her birthday and Christmas, and I tell them "Something to do at your house!", but they to this day have NOTHING for her to do there. They know when baby #2 is due (now, hah), and yet scheduled a vacation during that time, so they are gone. They did say "we hope he waits until we get back!", but my though is "why did you leave now, anyway?? So much for you watching Maiya for us!!"

    <sigh> Sorry, this turned in to quite the rant, haha. The short answer to your question is, both my husband and our children get the short end of the stick, but not only from his step parents, but his biological parents, too.



  13. #13
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    I don't have any steps in our family right now. But I pick and chose who I consider family. I have some biological blood relatives that we have nothing to do with. But we also have people we call and consider family that isn't related at all. For example, we had an exchange student many years ago....she's been to my family 3 times and I have been over to hers once. She calls my parents mum and dad, her son calls them grandma and grandpa....and my parents are going to Paris to meet him in person in the spring.

    It's also not uncommon sadly for some families to treat the adopted kids differently from the biological ones. My family wouldn't do that (we already have adoption in the family) but if anyone did that in DH's family, they will get cut off. I don't really like most of them anyway except his mom.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  14. #14

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    I do greatly appreciate the feedback and it sounds like I am certainly not alone. I do want to say though I am not happy with most specifically my stepmother's actions of lack of involvement with us I will never alienate/ disown my father. Some of this stuff is more recent and on the surface. Which I know you all aren't saying that I just want to put it out there. I had to cut ties with my mom but, that was a total different story. My dad is a kind and generous person. I know he loves all of us. I wish my stepmom would feel the same way.
    Last edited by mom2CodySophia0811; 09-05-2014 at 09:29 PM.
    *** Lindsay ***



  15. #15

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    my father and step mother have been together since i was 2yrs old and she never treated me like i was related to her in anyway. she always introduced me as "J's daughter" and then when i was an adult as her "daughter in law"?? WTH? She treated my own children slightly better than me.

  16. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by runningmomofmany View Post
    my father and step mother have been together since i was 2yrs old and she never treated me like i was related to her in anyway. she always introduced me as "J's daughter" and then when i was an adult as her "daughter in law"?? WTH? She treated my own children slightly better than me.
    That sucks!
    *** Lindsay ***



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