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Thread: Thought I would share

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
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    Colorado
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    Default Thought I would share

    So here is my story.
    To me this seems coincidental but I am not sure.
    I got pregnant before my youngest sister who was 17 at the time announced that she was.
    I lost my baby and my mind for a while after because I really wanted my baby.
    My sister went through with the pregnancy and she had a beautiful little girl. The guy that she had her baby with was six years older than her! I went to school with him. I am soft-hearted person and decided not to press her about him.
    I allowed her to stay with me during her first month. (traditionally the woman and baby don't leave the house for a full-month) They didn't leave.
    Things went okay for three months until the two started leaving the house and making my mom take care of the baby.
    I woke up one night to find my niece screaming while it looked like her parents had passed out. I took her and put her by me.
    I didn't know what to think about it so I left it alone and things went back to normal.
    One night I was watching her and I heard something hit the wall in the room they were staying in. I opened the door and found the guy holding my sister up against the wall and he was hitting her.
    So, being the native girl I am, I grabbed him and told him that if he didn't leave that I would call the cops.
    Tribal ordinances are a little different from state laws so I was able to get an order against him that he would not come on my residence. He violated that order three times. One time he broke in and tried to assault my sister.
    Lets make this very short, a week later she left my house with the baby to live with him. She came back three days later and said she was going to stay at my house. One night, I woke up to find the baby by me and my sister was gone. My niece was four months old when she left to live with me.
    I tried a lot of things to get my sister to wake up and take care of the baby. I was in and out of court and working with the father's mom to get them to take responsibility. My niece was living with me for a year and a half when I filed papers for guardianship of her. I thought this would wake them up and they wouldn't consent. My sister filed paperwork that said she consented to permanent guardianship and sole custody to me of her baby. The father didn't show. He never showed up for court unless he was already in custody.
    It went okay for a while until he wised up for a month and decided to take me to court for custody. He was granted visitations on Sundays. (I was already giving the grandmother visitations on Sundays.) He was ordered not to leave her, drink, take drugs, etc etc while he had her. He went okay for three weeks. My sister had being seeing someone else (who was his best-friend btw) and she had left him. I didn't know at the time but she had being staying with the father. On that Sunday, we agreed in court to meet at the police station for exchange. He didn't show for the exchange and while I was panicking my sister called and said she was with the father and they were drunk. I went to the grandmother's house and had a few choice words with her and picked up my niece.
    I called the cops and found out my sister and the guy had been picked up. He later requested supervised visitations and never showed up for any of them. My sister comes in and out of my life but doesn't do anything for the baby.
    Fast forward.. my niece is two going on three.
    She lives with me still and we are doing fine. The father hasn't filed for any visitations and doesn't pay his court-ordered child support.
    My niece knows me as her mom and that hurts a little. She treat her bio-mom like she would if she was her aunt.
    My sister told me that my niece's father has given up on court and wants nothing to do with his daughter. That hurts a lot.
    My niece knows her father's name but doesn't know him. She knows her other grandmother's name but doesn't know her.
    The grandmother came over once to see her and left in tears because my nice wouldn't go to her.
    I thought I would share this story because I have requested from both parents that they relinquish their rights and I will adopt her.
    I was the wild older sister who never thought of having kids. But this little girl has settled me down and I couldn't think of being without her. I have a good job, my own home, car, and I understand that my sister sees this and knows that her little girl is okay.
    Please understand, I tried everything to get my sister to take responsibility of her daughter. She left her four month old baby with me and never came back for her. I am starting the process of adopting my niece.
    If you have any advice or like to share, I would really appreciate it.
    I would like some advice on how to talk with my niece about her bio parents or whether I should or not.
    Thanks.

  2. #2

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    I have no words of wisdom to offer you, but I didn't want to read your story and respond. It is fantastic that you are able to be there for your niece. Good luck on your journey.

  3. #3

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    I also do not have advice but hope the adoption goes smoothly and you can move on in raising your daughter. You are the only mother she knows. Someday you may tell her that her bio mother and father could not care for her properly and did something loving, by giving her to someone that they knew could.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
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    I agree with these ladies. I do hope that the adoption process so quickly and smoothly. Your niece is abundantly blessed to have you.
    Jessica (32) and Ryan (32). Madelyn born August 5, 2009; Malachi born December 23, 2010 and Nathaniel born July 19, 2013. Lost a loved baby 02/29/12, 05/14/12 and 07/05/12 all due a serious allergic reaction to fabric softener.
    My Ovulation Chart

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2007
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    14,667

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    I hope that the adoption process goes smoothly for you and that baby girl. My understanding is that the laws can vary greatly based on states and it sounds like you follow tribal laws which are also different.

    I do think that she should always know she was adopted and know her story. They say it's better to have always known rather than it come as a great shock later in life.
    This is a really good helpful website http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/

    Also there are many books for kids about adoption available at amazon. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_...7572&rnid=1000

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  6. #6

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    Good luck, it sure sounds like she should be with you permanently. I would get a lawyer, or go through CPS (or if you have something like that there) they can get the bio parents parental rights terminated and then set you up for adoption. I would have as much documentation as you can on all the bio parents issues over the last 3 years. Document all the abuse, jail time, missed visits, lack on connection, lack of support for their child, drug and alcohol abuse, job or no job status and house...also how many changes in each of those there have been over the last few years (goes to them being unstable)...just in case they decide to fight you you need to build a case that paints a picture of how unfit they are to care for a child. The child needs to come first, it is obvious they are in no condition to care for her, you need to put aside your family ties with your sister and think about your niece now. I would not cut them from her life, I would be open and honest about them and would allow visits, supervised and with proof that they are clean and sober.

    ~*~Katrina~*~ Momma to Xander, Hayden & Lily (6) and Jericho (3 1/2)
    Trying to complete our family...My Ovulation Chart for my LAST try !

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Michigan
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    9,225

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    ...you've been through a lot!

    Hoping and praying everything goes well throughout your adoption process !! I think it's wonderful you've opened your life and home to your niece .

    My adopted ds was in the same foster home from birth until he was placed with us when he was almost 2yrs old . We are open with him about his adoption. We stay in touch with his foster mom, he knows his bio mom's name, he knows he has a younger half brother (I have showed him a pic), and he knows some of the "why" he was in foster care/adopted, but that's about it. I know more about his maternal bio family, but haven't shared it with him yet (he'll be 7yrs old in August) and we know nothing about his bio father (just a first name given to DHS by bmom). However, if it involved family members, especially in a tribal setting I would be more apt to involve his bmom in his life as well as bgrandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins (heritage is important). How involved I'd let them be would depend upon their life situation.

    Thinking of you for sure...please keep us posted !
    Dh (39) Me (37) 8bio 1adopted, 14 angels






  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Colorado
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    Thank you very much ladies!
    I have left a lot out of my post but I have kept records of everything including court records and a journal.
    The one aspect that bothers me is whether or not I should have pressed harder on my sister or my niece's father. I even had to talk to a therapist about it before I could take guardianship of her.
    I was raised by my grandmother and in a traditional home setting. (well traditional as it comes for a Native American family) I know what it feels like to be without my maternal mother and father.
    But she seems happy and content. My side of the family is rather large and her father's family is small.
    I offered them many chances at visitations and an offer to make a parenting plan had he shown up for supervised visitations. The courts here are different so I would require that both parents file forms to terminate their rights before I can proceed in adopting. Unless, since my niece isn't a tribal member, I could opt for a state/county requirements.
    I am working getting my niece more involved with her paternal grandmother. Since she hasn't seen her in a while she leave with her or talk to her.
    I took her out of daycare because the "teachers" were unqualified. She stays with my mom most days. So she has a hard time with separation.
    Anyway, again, thanks ladies for the support. I hope I am doing the right thing.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
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    In my head
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    You are definitely doing the right thing! Your daughter is lucky to have you.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
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    Hawaii
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    I don't have any advice either, but just wanted to say that your niece is so very lucky to have you! I wish you the best of luck with the adoption, and hope it will all be resolved quickly!
    Jennifer


  11. #11
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
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    Rural Nevada
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    Good luck and God Bless!
    STC #1 for 5years
    Dx: Blocked Fallopian Tubes
    Praying for guidance in our journey to parenthood through adoption and eventually IVF.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Colorado
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    Thank you ladies!

  13. #13

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    Best of luck to you! It sounds like you neice is incredibly lucky to have you in her life!

    For what it's worth, as both an adoptee and an adoptive parent, I fully support being open and honest about the adoption from the beginning. I remember my parents as early as I can remember telling me that I was special because I was chosen and wanted. And I tell my kids now that we waited so long for them and we chose them. I think that hleps give a sense of security in such an unbalanced situation. Obviously you want to stay age-appropriate, but I think that people that keep it a secret do more damage to their relationship than anything else ever could.

    Hang in there!
    Alyssa
    Twin girls 5/24/09 Baby bean 3/3/11
    Adoption Finalized 8/31/12 - Proud mama to Max and Kacey

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