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Thread: heartbroken

  1. #1

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    I'm so heartbroken... My best friend found out yesterday that she lost her baby. She was 18 weeks, but when they did the ultrasound yesterday the baby was only measuring 15 weeks, or just a bit over. This was her first pregnancy. She's had severe issues with cysts, PCOS, endometriosis, etc. They didn't know if she ever would even get pregnant. I feel so guilty, and I know I shouldn't. I want to be there for her, but at the same time, is she going to want me around? Or I am going to be a reminder of what could have been for her? I don't even know what to do. She had to go in last night to be induced, which she had no clue she was going to have to do, and it was devastating to her... It's been 10 hours since they started giving her meds, and as of an hour ago, she still hadn't started labor. I just don't know what to do.... She doesn't know what to do with the baby... They were planning on moving, and she's like I can't bury the baby, then leave it. I suggested that there are lots of beautiful pendants and bracelets and such for cremains. My hubby said, whatever she wants, we'll get for her if she wants to do that. We also found keychains that we could do one for her hubby as well. He's devastated! I just don't know what to do
    Jessica (34) DH (39) This is a first for both of us

  2. #2

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    Your DH's reaction is really sweet.

    I'm sure whether you are there or not, your BF is going to hurt. I think it's always best to err on the side of being there. If it's too much for her, she will let you know. I'm sure you can also talk about it with her. I'm pretty direct with stuff like that so I'd just lay it out.

    From what I've read of people and loss like that, they seem to often feel like people have abandoned them and also that they quickly forget about the loss. I say be by her side as much as you can be and be mindful to remember important dates ... especially the day of loss and her due date. I would make plans to occupy her mind on her due date, but yet also acknowledge the date at the same time. And be sure to recognize the anniversary of her loss next year, as well.

    The best rule of thumb is to be there and keep your mouth shut if you're not sure what to say.

    This is going to be hard on you, too, but your BF needs you.

    I am SO sorry for her loss.
    Dorcas (35) DH (36) 3/13



  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by khadijavye View Post
    Your DH's reaction is really sweet.

    I'm sure whether you are there or not, your BF is going to hurt. I think it's always best to err on the side of being there. If it's too much for her, she will let you know. I'm sure you can also talk about it with her. I'm pretty direct with stuff like that so I'd just lay it out.

    From what I've read of people and loss like that, they seem to often feel like people have abandoned them and also that they quickly forget about the loss. I say be by her side as much as you can be and be mindful to remember important dates ... especially the day of loss and her due date. I would make plans to occupy her mind on her due date, but yet also acknowledge the date at the same time. And be sure to recognize the anniversary of her loss next year, as well.

    The best rule of thumb is to be there and keep your mouth shut if you're not sure what to say.

    This is going to be hard on you, too, but your BF needs you.

    I am SO sorry for her loss.
    Couldn't have said it better!

    Please let your friend know that people are thinking about her.
    Natalie [31] DH [40] 9/01, 1/06 NaturallyNatalie's Hair Accessories!

  4. #4
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    Aug 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by khadijavye View Post
    Your DH's reaction is really sweet.

    I'm sure whether you are there or not, your BF is going to hurt. I think it's always best to err on the side of being there. If it's too much for her, she will let you know. I'm sure you can also talk about it with her. I'm pretty direct with stuff like that so I'd just lay it out.

    From what I've read of people and loss like that, they seem to often feel like people have abandoned them and also that they quickly forget about the loss. I say be by her side as much as you can be and be mindful to remember important dates ... especially the day of loss and her due date. I would make plans to occupy her mind on her due date, but yet also acknowledge the date at the same time. And be sure to recognize the anniversary of her loss next year, as well.

    The best rule of thumb is to be there and keep your mouth shut if you're not sure what to say.

    This is going to be hard on you, too, but your BF needs you.

    I am SO sorry for her loss.
    This is really well put. Call her.ask what you can do for her. Hold her hand and cry together. May be bring some meals for them. Very sorry for her loss. It is so devastating. Hugs

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by khadijavye View Post
    Your DH's reaction is really sweet.

    I'm sure whether you are there or not, your BF is going to hurt. I think it's always best to err on the side of being there. If it's too much for her, she will let you know. I'm sure you can also talk about it with her. I'm pretty direct with stuff like that so I'd just lay it out.

    From what I've read of people and loss like that, they seem to often feel like people have abandoned them and also that they quickly forget about the loss. I say be by her side as much as you can be and be mindful to remember important dates ... especially the day of loss and her due date. I would make plans to occupy her mind on her due date, but yet also acknowledge the date at the same time. And be sure to recognize the anniversary of her loss next year, as well.

    The best rule of thumb is to be there and keep your mouth shut if you're not sure what to say.

    This is going to be hard on you, too, but your BF needs you.

    I am SO sorry for her loss.
    Yes, all of this. I am so, so sorry.

    The other thing I might add is, bring her food. Not just to her house, but to her hands. Ready to eat. Don't make her eat, don't tell her to eat. In fact, probably just sit there quietly by her. But put it in her hands, so she doesn't have to get up at all. I know with my loss, even when I had food in the fridge, I didn't have the motivation to get it.

    Huge huge hugs for her.



  6. #6
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    Nov 2011
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    Popping in here....but I agree with everything Dorcas said. I am so, so sorry. Lots and lots of prayers.

    I wanted to add an idea for the baby's remains: I once knew someone in a similar situation, that had the baby cremated and then had the ashes put inside of a Build-A-Bear. That way she could keep it with her and once they had moved and settled, she could then bury it if she wanted or not.
    Jennifer


  7. #7

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    I talked to her hubby yesterday after she delivered the baby, and just asked him if they wanted company or if they wanted space. I reassured him that it wouldn't hurt my feelings one bit if they said we need space. He said you're like her sister, you are more than welcome to come visit us, BUT you can't get upset and stressed. He was worried about it affecting me, since I'm pregnant. That's the kind of guy he is tho. Went and sat with her at the hospital for about 3 hours. She was doing very well. She never cried while I was there, but she works in the medical field. Right now she's processing everything from a biological standpoint, not from a mom standpoint, and she knows that. She said, I'm sure this will be much harder for me when I go home. I am very proud of her, because she did tell me that she held him after he was born for a good while, whereas before she went in she said I don't think I'll be able to look at him, but she did, and I am so glad that she did. They are going to have the baby cremated and get a small urn for him, and she wants a locket to keep a bit of his ashes on her at all times. I told her that I also found keychains that look like bullets, which would be perfect for her hubby. I just hope she doesn't give up trying, because they'll be great parents....
    Jessica (34) DH (39) This is a first for both of us

  8. #8

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    I'm so glad to hear that being there for her went so well, all things considered. My heart breaks for her loss.
    Dorcas (35) DH (36) 3/13



  9. #9
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    She is so strong. I know in her heart she is hurting so much. Glad you were able to be with her.hugs

  10. #10

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    I am so sorry. I have a good friend of mine who is currently on her third pregnancy in the past year and a half. The first two ending in second trimester losses around 16 weeks or so. It is very hard to know what to say or do and the best thing is exactly what you did, just be there and ready to listen when she is ready to talk and cry about it. My heart goes out to your friend and I pray for healing for her.



  11. #11
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    I'm so sorry too. But glad she is doing well so far. I can relate on her processing everything from a biological standpoint and I'm glad she is aware that the mom standpoint will hit her soon. She will need you then. Hope you can be there for her when she needs you even though it might hurt both of you as well
    Sabrina [33], DH [33] and our precious shaka-girl


  12. #12
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    So heartbreaking.... Just be there for her as much as possible. I hate it when people around me try to act like nothing happened. It really does make you feel alone. Maybe introduce her to this website....??? This is the only place I get loss support because not one person around me has dealt with loss. It helps.
    waiting for our hearts to healBrittany(27)DH(39) DS-Tristan(4) DD-Brooke(3) DS-Preston(1)*my miracles*

    12/05/07 14wks, 10/10/08 9wks, 12/20/13 8wks, 05/06/14 10wks

  13. #13

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    She and I spent the entire day together yesterday. It was the first day her hubby went back to work, and she wasn't ready to be by herself. We were able to talk about everything very candidly. I told her I was concerned that me being around her might be hard, and she said the only thing hard about it is she's ready for my Weslee to be here so she knows he's ok. She just has that fear at this point. She's hoping, as I am that they are able to find a biological reason for her loss. She feels that if they can pinpoint a reason, then maybe they can fix whatever it is. She's already talking about trying again, when her doc says it's ok, so that makes me happy. I was afraid she just might say forget it, but they aren't She went to the tattoo shop yesterday to see about getting his little footprint tattooed... whatever heals her is cool with me..
    Jessica (34) DH (39) This is a first for both of us

  14. #14
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    I'm glad you got to have a heart-to-heart with her. I hope they find a reason soon and can do something about it.

  15. #15

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    I'm happy to hear an update on your friend and that obviously your relationship is going to weather this difficult time.
    Dorcas (35) DH (36) 3/13



  16. #16

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    She and her DH are hoping to speed up their move after all this. Hoping to have a fresh start, which I understand. It sucks that she's planning on moving, but it'll only be a couple hours away, so I'm sure we'll still see each other often. It'll still be at least a few months before they'll be able to move, but I think it will be good for them. She's hoping to find a much less stressful job...

    I'm glad that she's dealing with things as well as she is. I still think a lot of that has to do with her working in the medical field. She understands the biology behind it... Hopefully she gets some answers soon....

    I do need to direct her to this site. I'm sure she'd find lots of great support here
    Jessica (34) DH (39) This is a first for both of us

  17. #17

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    I'm so glad to hear she is doing so well. You are a good friend.

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