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Thread: Differences of opinion

  1. #1

    Default Differences of opinion

    DH and I have a bit of a different philosophy when it comes to discipline. He is one of those, "the reason kids are the way they are is because they are too coddled" and I don't necessarily coddle but I believe in taking away something or not earning a certain reward but still giving them an opportunity to earn others. His father was very strict and didn't show a lot of affection. He is very different now. Also I should mention DH is Mia's step father but in her life since she was 1. We also have a 14 month old son together. He treats her like his own. For example, Mia (5years old) wasn't listening while DH had her and I was at work. She lost her episode of Berensteins bears she usually gets before bed. I got home and she wanted to take a walk with me like we do often. I love our walks, she shares things with me and we just talk and I love it because she's already getting that attitude about her and she's growing up so fast. I worry how long it'll be before she's a teenager and Mom isn't cool anymore so I cherish any time we get to spend together. Plus I work full time so she is dying to spend time with me when I get home. We have morning/afternoon together and then when I get home at night before bed. She goes to pre k in afternoon so it works out. DH feels like she wasn't behaving, it's to bed at 8 (before I get home) and no walk/no episode. He is a very loving father so I don't want anyone to think he's not but we disagree so much when it comes to that stuff. I feel like it's important to provide structure and discipline but I also think love and attention is just as important. How do you find a balance when you disagree? Also, what sort of discipline methods do you use? She's got an attitude and can be downright grumpy some days, also has some sensory issues with noises so she here irritated easily which makes things incredibly difficult some days. We both lose our patience with it and the one Dr we saw feels a lot of it is not sensory, but more her wanting to control.

    There are so many situations where he just feels so harsh. She's still only 5. I worry too that he will try to be even more harsh with Coop because he is a boy. That makes me crazy.

  2. #2

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    I'm no help (why am i bothering to reply? ) Myhubby and i are the same. And it seems like as the years have gone on (oldest is 19) I've become more lenient and he more strict, as if to compensate for each other With us, I do probably 90% of the discipline, especially with the younger ones simply because I'm with them more. I generally let any punishment he doles out stand, but I will say something to him later about why I thought it too harsh. I have to remind him almost daily to back off with our 19yr old, at this point our instruction years are done and he just needs to have a relationship with our son.

    So I would say to continue to have the dialogue, there are certainly areas DH has relaxed on overtime because he's come to realize they just arent what is important, so i think its possible for some one to change.

  3. #3
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    I would want to know what makes him such an expert? How does he know that coddling is such a problem?

    I would have a serious talk and tell him you are not cool with some of his tactics and you both need to be on the same page. First of all, in general the punishment should be related to the misbehavior. I am not sure what her show was taken away for but maybe there would have been something better to use as discipline. I know that isn't always possible so if he chose the show then fine but THAT was it....why the show and spending time with you too? Second, I would have a HUGE problem with my DH punishing my child by taking our special time away - A) that is not a great way to discipline and B) it's a punishment for you and C) less time with mama will only add to any behavior issues. And third it's way too harsh for a 5yo.

    I have more to say but my kids are going nutty....I will be back later lol....
    Thing 1 (8), Thing 2 (5), Thing 3 (2)

  4. #4

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    Oh and we did go on our walk- it was after that he told me he didn't agree with her getting to go.

    He thinks he's an expert who knows why lol. We've had so many dumb arguments over this type of thing. Before we had our son he had so many reasons as to why I should only nurse to a year but our son is 15 months still nursing and DH knows to keep his mouth shut on that one! Lol He was against co sleeping but our son sleeps with us most nights so he's definitely caved but we still have our major differences in opinion.

  5. #5

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    How would he feel about going to a seminar with you? Our local school district and the preschool dd attends have educational series for parents on positive discipline techniques, and I think Love and Logic is another popular seminar that occasionally comes to town. I would not bring it up like it was because you think he doesn't do it "right," but more like just so you both can learn and be on the same page ... or you could even phrase it like you have heard it's great, want to get some pointers but don't want to go alone. You could even go out to dinner, like a date night.

    The reason I suggest it is that with my dh, it's not that he doesn't listen to me or respect my opinions, but I've noticed that he's so used to hearing that stuff from me, esp. if it's a topic on which we have different views, that sometimes I think he doesn't bother really trying to hear me, but just digs in. BUT, if he hears something from a colleague at work, or a friend, or from a book or a show on NPR or at a seminar -- he really listens and often changes his viewpoint! Kinda like the idea that kids sometimes learn best from someone other than their parents -- I think husbands can be the same way.

    If there's no seminar nearby, maybe a documentary, dvd or a book you could somehow finagle to read together? Or even to get together with some couple friends who share your discipline views -- have them over for a bbq and get the topic on parenting strategies.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  6. #6

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    I don't think your DH was thinking about how it would affect you with that punishment. I think he was just thinking that she needed to go to bed early because she wasn't behaving. I've made my DS go to bed early without story for acting up, and I don't think it's too harsh. Usually if he's not listening or acting too grumpy, it's because he's sleepy so it's more about what he needs than what he wants in those instances.

    I'd talk to your DH though about how you feel. My DH sounds a lot like your DH with discipline. My DH often thought I was too soft when it came to discipline but I think it's just because of how he grew up. He was always spanked with a belt or paddle so he couldn't always see how a time-out or 'talking to' is going to be adequate but he does agree with how well our DS behaves and acts; therefore, as much as he doesn't totally agree with it, he sees that our way of discipline is working just fine.

    We came to terms after talking a lot over time. It gave me a lot of insight into how he felt and thought and vice versa. Plus I feel like we're just figuring it out as we go like everyone else. I also feel like who ever is with the child at the time should be able to set the child's punishment. If you go against each other's punishments or revoke them, your DD may pick up on that.
    Angela, Andrew & Nicholas

    Three sweet angels in heaven

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