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Thread: Gender disappointment

  1. #1

    Default Gender disappointment

    Let me start by saying that I am not exactly disappointed I have a son. My "first child", my neighbor, who had a wonderful, loving family, but still somehow adopted me as his surrogate mom, was the light of my life until he was 15. Then he got his own life, but we still talk and I still love him dearly and am so proud of him. I am so excited to get a "real" son now!

    But I do have worries about him being a boy. As I posted in NM/MIG, I worry about having a sister and brother 4.5 years apart, and how well they'll bond. I worry that he'll be more like the stereotypical boy than my surrogate son was, and that he'll be in to more violent things, like playing with guns and such, and how I'll handle that. But I'm ready to deal with those worries as they come, and they aren't getting me down.

    What IS getting me down is the way others have reacted to the news that he is a boy. And it's fairly obvious that he is a boy, and I seriously doubt the U/S is wrong!

    My husband and my daughter have both said that they will be happy with whatever the baby ended up being, but at one point or another, they both said they may prefer a boy. So I thought they'd be thrilled! But, alas, no. They're both like, eh, ok. My daughter has been very excited to give him a name (Multicolored, Treeheart, Treeboy, Rainbow, Pretty Candle... Ok, maybe she doesn't quite have the best REAL names for a kid, though great nicknames!), but my husband has rejected nearly every name I've listed. It's like he doesn't want to give this kid a name. And he's given me no ideas, no feedback, no nothing. It's like he just doesn't care about this kid any more.

    And my mom is definitely a bit disappointed that she's getting another grandson (she has two through my brother) instead of another granddaughter. Though she, at least, is still excited about this baby, and is helping with names and all. I thought my dad would be thrilled to have a grandson here (the other two are a few states away), but even he said he is a little sad for Maiya to never have a sister, because he, too, thinks sisters would bond better (as he thinks my brother's two boys will).

    And my brother... I thought he'd be ecstatic to have a nephew. But instead, even though he's put on a good face and sounds happy, I really get the feeling, from his tone of voice and again, lack of excitement, that he's a little disappointed I'm having a boy. Almost like he liked having the monopoly on boys in the family.

    Hubby's family is never excited about anything for us, and has very little to do with us anyway, so their lack of excitement and involvement means little. But even amongst all my friends, I've had ONE friend say "Wow! Congratulations! Boys are so much fun!" All the others have been like "Oh, a boy, ok." Even my friend who has two boys, I thought would be excited for us to share that, but she's doesn't seem to be. Before we found out the sex, she sounded excited about throwing me a baby shower. But now that we know, she hasn't said ANYTHING about either the kid or a shower.

    I don't know. Maybe this is normal lack-luster response because he's the second child, rather than because he's a boy. I don't know. All I know is people seemed so excited about Maiya. She had a name in about 2 days! This one has been two weeks, and I've had no feedback (except from my mom, and Maiya, if that counts!). And people seemed more excited about this pregnancy before we knew he is a boy, than after. But either way, whether it's gender disappointment or just second-child humdrums, I feel so bad for my son. His grandma and his sister love to feel him squirming and kicking, but other than that, I feel like no one cares about him.

    Or maybe it's just pregnancy hormones and emotions, combined with stress of moving that's making me extra sensitive! I don't know. But I do know that, even though until the last few days, I was so thrilled to have a son, I am now starting to feel a bit... Sad.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
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    Hugs. I have never had a baby shower. Despite people telling me they will make one. Of course I come from another culture so it doesn't bother me as much. And people have made so many strange comments about us having a boy. Stuff like, finally you are having a boy. Or, oh you do needed a boy. Etc. Thankfully families have been supportive by most part but even if they weren't I wouldn't let it get to me. It is your baby. Your son. My husband wanted another girl so at first he was disappointed. But came to terms with within minutes. It is a baby and he will be loved.
    I replied to you about your concerns and I have some bonding concerns as well especially him feeling left out of 2 girls relationship as I have 2 daughters. But at the end of the day a lot also depends on parents and how you treat your children.
    I hope people around you quickly realize how unreasonable and unsupportive they sound and you get to feel more happy about them!
    Miss T (10.17.2008) Miss A(06.30.2012) Flipper #3 due 06.2014
    Follow my blog on Facebook

  3. #3

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    I'm sorry you're struggling with this Janet. I don't have any really good advice. My brother was the firstborn and is 4.5 years older than I am. Although we had our usual sibling fights growing up we are SOOOO close now. We talk and text multiple times a week and share a lot with each other. We have a really great relationship. I've never had a boy but I do know that my nephew and good friends sons are tons of fun to be around and play with.

    I hope you are able to find a name for you little fella soon and put the feelings you're having at peace. Hugs!!
    Mother to seven flying, called home too soon.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
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    I know these feelings aren't fun to deal with, but they are temporary!

    I was like 99% my baby was a boy that when we found out I was shocked and I honestly had to try reallllllllly hard to hide that. I didn't want to put any negative feelings on my baby because she can't help that. And of course now I'm totally over it and am almost over to the dark side of dresses and glitter and bows (shh!).

    How other people react is their deal. I know it can get you down but I hope that you won't let it bother you too much!

    Natalie [31] DH [40] 9/01, 1/06 NaturallyNatalie's Hair Accessories!

  5. #5
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    Jul 2008
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    As a mom of 3 girls, I totally get dealing with other people's reactions. I still have people who react to seeing my three girls with shock and then the first thing out of their mouth after "They are are ALL girls?" is "Are you going to (or 'You should') try for a boy?"

    I think what you are experiencing is a little bit of everything you brought up. Some of it is people having gender disappointment. Some of it is subsequent children tend to have less of an excited reaction (my third didn't have a name until 8 days before she was born! I totally understand the frustration of trying to get DH to talk about names!) And the crazy pregnancy hormones never help.
    I agree with Natalie. Other people's reactions are on them. Concentrate on your own excitement and contentment and try to brush the rest off.

    And by the way... Congratulations!! I am totally happy with my three girls, but I also think boys are wonderful! He will fit perfectly into your family.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
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    Maryland
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    Chiming in from Dec DD Room! I have a brother who is 5 years older than me. While we couldn't exactly do a ton of activities together growing up, we had and still have a very close bond. Like he was my protector and guardian when it came to the outside world. But I also have a brother 12 years younger than me!! I was old enough to take care of him in a lot of ways and help raise him so we have a bond because of that. I think no matter what there is a bond created between siblings for so many reasons, that's the last thing you should worry about. Maiya is still young enough that they will indeed get to play together and do things until she's a teenager. So that will be good!

    The lackluster enthusiasm might be a second time baby thing. The ONLY reason people are making a big fuss about my pregnancy is because I am having twins. And I know that for a fact! Otherwise it would be like "Oh. Ok. Yeah we knew you wanted more kids." I hope your friends and family come around and start expressing more happiness for you! And i sincerely hope you get the shower you deserve.

    We have our hearts set on one boy and one girl, so I am hoping I don't feel too disappointed myself when I find out otherwise lol

  7. #7

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    I'm hoping a lot of it has to do with pregnancy hormones. Also, you're in the pregnancy lull. You know ... the middle of it and you've had the big gender reveal ... what else is there to get excited about until you actually have the baby, right?

    I think people are probably just like "okay, we know now, we're good." There's not a lot to talk about regarding gender now, ya know?

    I totally get your concerns over age gaps. I am having my 3rd boy. My first two are 2.5 years apart and are great buddies. DS1 and DS3 will be just short of 6 years apart and DS2 and DS3 will be 3.5 years apart. And, to be honest, I was hoping for a girl because I felt like the age difference was a lot and I thought a different gender would make it easier ... like no one expects boy/girl kids to be BFFs, whereas I think there's an obvious expectation when you have the same gender that they will be close. (not to say that boy/girl siblings can't be close, of course).

    At the end of the day, it's all perception and expectation problems. I *hope* that all of my kids have good relationships with each other and are close, but I can't *make* them be that way. How I treat them individually and collectively will help shape their relationships, but I believe we come in with what we come in with ... some of my kids may not jive well together. We'll just have to see how life plays out. Before I even had my 2nd I made the resolve that I was having another child because *I* wanted another child, not because I was giving DS1 a sibling. I was glad he would have a sibling, but DS2 and DS3's existence is about my want for them, not my want for them to be a friend to their siblings. Somehow, putting that out there made me feel better about the whole thing.

    Dorcas (35) DH (36) 3/13



  8. #8
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    I'm 4 1/2 years older than my brother and I loved being a big sister. My brothers and I are very close even with the age gap (2nd bro is 6 years younger than me). It's like we have our own language sometimes in how we joke and retell stories from our childhood. Your little boy will make his way into the world and you'll wonder how your family was ever complete before he arrived. Take some time to pamper yourself and celebrate your son
    [/URL]

  9. #9

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    I wouldn't worry about the age/gender thing. DH is almost 3.5 years older than his sister and they get along fine.

    As for having a boy, be thrilled! Boys love their mamas, and you'll be the woman in his life for a long time. As for the "interests," he will be interested in what you expose him to. My DS is almost 4 and has no idea what a gun is because we don't expose him to guns, even in play. He plays with trucks, trains and tools and he's just fine

    Congrats on your little man!

  10. #10
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    I totally agree with the others. Don't worry about the gender difference. I remember I alway wanted a sister and when my third brother was born (10 years younger than me) I was soooo disapointed as well as with my sister (14 years younger than me). I told my mother at this time it doesn't matter anymore because she is so much younger. And now I have the closer relationship to both of them as with the other two brothers. You can't predict a relationship between siblings!
    And I would be thrilled... you have a girl and a boy. That's absolutely amazing to have both genders. I mean it will be soo much fun to compare the two! By the way.... I always loved to help my brothers to assemble their Lego ships, trains, forts and what ever else they got as a present. So.... who knows what your kids will love to play with
    Sabrina [33], DH [33] and our precious shaka-girl


  11. #11

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    I totally get people not being excited and how hurtful that is. My sister and I are both pregnant with girls and due within 10 days of each other but because this is my third girl and this is her first girl and she will now have one of each everyone is treating her like it's super special while I'm kind of getting ignored. It does hurt. I agree with Polly, concentrate on YOUR excitement and try not to let everyone else bring you down. He will be wonderful and I know Maiya is going to jump right into that big sister role and be wonderful with him.




  12. #12

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    Thank you all so much! Reading your responses has definitely helped. I also went through some old pictures of my "first son", and remembered some of the joys of "having" a boy, and that helped, too!

    Wasn't he a cutie pie??

    Sorry for all the spots on it (of course, they really show up on our faces...), it's an old pic and damaged!

    He's married now, and still a great kid!

    I am excited to have a son, and I will have to try to not let everyone else's lack of enthusiasm put a damper on it. It is very special that I get that oft coveted "one of each". And I'm sure when he's here, he won't feel any of the... not disappointment, but... just lack of excitement, that I'm feeling. Most of my sadness now is FOR him, not because of him, and hopefully that's all for naught and he will know how loved and adored he is!

    At least Maiya is completely enthralled and in love! That makes this easier. She doesn't seem to care whether he's a boy or girl, to be honest, but that's kind of how I've raised her, hah. I'm just glad she loves her little sibling, as much with knowing his sex as with not!



  13. #13

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    Hi Janet! Just wanted to pop in and tell you that boys are truly wonderful!! We did not know the gender until birth, and there was definitely a decrease in excitement over the baby in general from many people. You will love having a son

  14. #14

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    Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.

    The thing for me is that people did seem very excited BEFORE we found out the sex, and the excitement seems to have plummeted in the last two weeks since we found out. Ah well, as you all have said, the last bit of pregnancy may be "boring", but once he's here, I'm sure everyone will be in love!



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