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Thread: Suggestions of how to deal with this

  1. #1
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    Default Suggestions of how to deal with this

    Ok so I have discussed DD2's bedtime issues ad nauseam here. I am even tired of hearing myself complain about it. So I am not here asking for suggestions on what to do for her because quite honestly I am at a total loss. I feel like I have tried everything short of putting her in her own room (w/o DD1 which just isn't feasible right now) and nothing works. We have read books on sleep, made charts, switched to to the top bunk, switched her back, used melatonin, rewards, punishments, bribery, massage, stay with her, let her stay up, baths, lavender....seriously you name it we have tried it. I don't know what her problem is and I think I need to just give up. Maybe if there was not so much focus on it, it would get better IDK.

    The problem is ME. I am up at 7 with 3 kids and do everything for them all.day.long without a moment to breathe. It's exhausting. It's what I chose and what I want to do, but I need a little time at the end of the day to unwind and to focus on other tasks. I can't do that with kids up until 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30,.... DH and i have things to discuss, I have paper work, bills, things I need to focus on. I just can't do it with the kids around. As it is typing this right now I have been interrupted about 32 times.

    I get REALLY cranky at night and I don't like who I become. So I am looking for some suggestions on how i can deal with the fact that my kids are still hanging around at 10pm. I considered just locking myself in my room but that leaves DH to deal with her/them and it will just turn into yelling and I can't relax knowing that is going on anyway. I have also considered finding something for DD2 to do at night....sometimes she will look through books quietly but she insists on being in the same room as us.

    So any suggestions would be appreciated. I know it's an odd request. I am just out of ideas at this point! Thx!
    Thing 1 (8), Thing 2 (5), Thing 3 (2)

  2. #2

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    That sounds incredibly frustrating. Have you thought about giving her headphones - maybe letting her use an ipad or similar device with an audio book she can listen to?

    I would also try to designate one hour during the day - before the night time craziness, anxiety and overtired phase - as a sort of quiet time or work time. That way you can get some of your chores or tasks out of the way when it's easier for J to control her behavior, and you can deal with the night as it comes. If you don't have so much stuff to face in the evening, you may have more patience to deal with the inevitable disruptions. On the days I am home with the kids, we have a 45-minute rest time where they are each in their rooms. I use that time to fold laundry, prep dinner, clean up, etc. That way once they are in bed I can be closer to just relaxing.

  3. #3

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    can she look at books in the same room as you knowing that the first time she bugs you she will have to leave?
    and like pp said is there an easier time of day that your dh could take over while you get some stuff done?
    i hear people being against the use of television but what if she watched a baby einstein or something similar? those type of videos have a calming effect on both my kids and i sometimes use them to get the kids to chill out and simmer down before bed and it seems to help them relax and transition to sleep.



  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marcie View Post
    That sounds incredibly frustrating. Have you thought about giving her headphones - maybe letting her use an ipad or similar device with an audio book she can listen to?

    I would also try to designate one hour during the day - before the night time craziness, anxiety and overtired phase - as a sort of quiet time or work time. That way you can get some of your chores or tasks out of the way when it's easier for J to control her behavior, and you can deal with the night as it comes. If you don't have so much stuff to face in the evening, you may have more patience to deal with the inevitable disruptions. On the days I am home with the kids, we have a 45-minute rest time where they are each in their rooms. I use that time to fold laundry, prep dinner, clean up, etc. That way once they are in bed I can be closer to just relaxing.
    I am VERY tempted to just toss her on her kindle so that she will just do her own thing and we can pretend she isn't really there and get things done but I was afraid of starting a bad habit or that it would be too stimulating. I didn't think of an audio book! See this is why I posted here! I am VERY close to just letting her watch a movie or something just to get her involved in something and quiet but I know it could be more stimulating although DD1 uses her kindle before bed and it doesn't much of an effect on her.

    DH gets home around 5 and that is when things REALLY need to get done like dinner, HW, baths, etc so that is a bad time for me to hide away and focus on busy work. At this point I am so far behind it would take more than 30-45 mins. I was complaining about it to my mom this morning and she offered to come over after she is done with work so took her up on that one! So I am hoping to lock myself in my room and focus but it doesn't always work out that way. When I am out of bounds it seems the kids want/need me even more!

    Quote Originally Posted by froggie83 View Post
    can she look at books in the same room as you knowing that the first time she bugs you she will have to leave?
    and like pp said is there an easier time of day that your dh could take over while you get some stuff done?
    i hear people being against the use of television but what if she watched a baby einstein or something similar? those type of videos have a calming effect on both my kids and i sometimes use them to get the kids to chill out and simmer down before bed and it seems to help them relax and transition to sleep.
    I don't know if she would be interested in something like that. Luckily she is someone who can get interested in puzzles or drawing so she will do that sometimes but she still talks incessantly. Last night I had to just say I was not talking anymore I feel badly but I just couldn't take it any longer. I was thinking of just having a "no talking after 9pm" rule but I don't know how well that would work. We make sure she/they do EVERYTHING they need before bed so they should not need anything at all. And it's rarely something that she needs if she is up asking for something. It's just an excuse/reason to get out of bed....
    Thing 1 (8), Thing 2 (5), Thing 3 (2)

  5. #5
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    Lots and lots of alcohol?? Joking...kind of.

    I like the suggestion of trying to designate a slot of day time to do a few of the things you usually do at night, if that's manageable. It might take some time to make it stick as routine, or get cooperation from DD2, but if you could work that in it might be ideal.

    I don't have any other suggestions but i do offer lots of sympathetic hugs. DS was a nightmare at bedtime until he was probably 5. A lot like your DD, he just didn't want to go to sleep and nothing worked. The only thing that ever worked for us was that he had to be upstairs, the lights had to be off, and he had to be relatively quiet. He shared a room at the time with DD and luckily she slept OK regardless. I just had to let him play until he finally conked out. I kept the bathroom door shut, but he had access to their room, and my room and the foyer at the top of the stairs (which were gated off). He would play until he passed out and it became a game to see where I'd find him sleeping on any given night. His bed, the floor, under the bunk beds, behind the door, my bed, with his blanket, without his blanket, holding a toy....it was different every night. He was like that from 3 until right before he started school, and there just was no way around it, nothing else worked. It has gotten much better, so the "it's just a phase" is true, but still a PITA.
    ~Kim~Kaylee~Kai~

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    Quote Originally Posted by KimJ View Post
    I just had to let him play until he finally conked out. I kept the bathroom door shut, but he had access to their room, and my room and the foyer at the top of the stairs (which were gated off). He would play until he passed out and it became a game to see where I'd find him sleeping on any given night. His bed, the floor, under the bunk beds, behind the door, my bed, with his blanket, without his blanket, holding a toy....it was different every night. He was like that from 3 until right before he started school, and there just was no way around it, nothing else worked. It has gotten much better, so the "it's just a phase" is true, but still a PITA.
    Sorry, not trying to hijack, I'm curious about this. Did you let him sleep where ever you found him, or move him into bed?
    Natalie [31] DH [40] 9/01, 1/06 NaturallyNatalie's Hair Accessories!

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    Quote Originally Posted by KimJ View Post
    Lots and lots of alcohol?? Joking...kind of.

    I like the suggestion of trying to designate a slot of day time to do a few of the things you usually do at night, if that's manageable. It might take some time to make it stick as routine, or get cooperation from DD2, but if you could work that in it might be ideal.

    I don't have any other suggestions but i do offer lots of sympathetic hugs. DS was a nightmare at bedtime until he was probably 5. A lot like your DD, he just didn't want to go to sleep and nothing worked. The only thing that ever worked for us was that he had to be upstairs, the lights had to be off, and he had to be relatively quiet. He shared a room at the time with DD and luckily she slept OK regardless. I just had to let him play until he finally conked out. I kept the bathroom door shut, but he had access to their room, and my room and the foyer at the top of the stairs (which were gated off). He would play until he passed out and it became a game to see where I'd find him sleeping on any given night. His bed, the floor, under the bunk beds, behind the door, my bed, with his blanket, without his blanket, holding a toy....it was different every night. He was like that from 3 until right before he started school, and there just was no way around it, nothing else worked. It has gotten much better, so the "it's just a phase" is true, but still a PITA.
    Haha well that isn't a joke. I have been drinking a lot more than usual. And that makes me feel even worse....I feel like some alcoholic mommy dearest telling her kid to not talk to her! Ok it's not that bad....it's a glass a wine but I do get pretty cranky I still try not to be mean but I just don't like what I have been saying lately. And yes maybe if I knew I didn't have other things to do I might have more patience to deal with it but honestly no matter how hard I try and how much I say, "I will do what it takes tonight" I fail and get *****y. It's like I have a personal timer. Once it gets past a certain time I turn into a different person. And I get so angry I don't even want to talk to DH I just want to curl up in a ball and be angry. Sometimes I get over it, other times I just pout until I go to bed.

    I am a relentless problem solver so I made it my mission to tackle this but I just have to give up. I can't deal anymore. I think it's beyond what I can handle. She has a physical in a few weeks and I will definitely bring it up. I think it's some sort of anxiety/fear and I don't want to make it worse by being a jerky mom but I can't be there for her in that way all night long. Luckily though once she is sleeping it's done. She stays in bed. It's just a whole song and dance to get her there and I don't have the energy for it. So my new thing is finding a way to deal with it by asking for suggestions here and either doing something for me or finding something for her to do. I hate that I can't "solve" it but I think it's just something that will have to go away over time.
    Thing 1 (8), Thing 2 (5), Thing 3 (2)

  8. #8

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    I think the problem is that you need time to yourself in your house but you can't turn your mind off from listening to the kids and DH plus they probably come to you too. It Sounds really frustrating.

    You.probably prefer being in your house but in your situation I would go for a walk, local gym for a yoga class or somewhere to read. Even if staying home is the most relaxing thing and even if u r tired, I would get out for fresh air. I personally love me time at home but I rarely get it. The change of scenery will probably do wonders for you. It will also become a habit and you will enjoy it more as the time goes. U can do the bills after u come back.

  9. #9

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    I'm sorry you are going through this--it sounds exhausting! I know how much I need my downtime at the end of the day. It's hard to get up the next day and do everything again when you haven't had a break.
    I know it's not the same as downtime in the evening, but can you take some time for yourself during the day instead? My 3 little guys all nap/have quiet time in their rooms between 1-3 every day. I usually run around the house trying to get everything done while they are napping, but it is definitely refreshing when I take the time to relax and read a book or something for a few minutes instead.




  10. #10

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    In your shoes, based on your posts and how long this has been going on and the number of things you have tried, I'd be doing the kindle or audio books for her at night so you can play quick catch up. I know how that is when your evening is shot and you don't get done all the things you pushed to the side during the day so you could care for immediate needs. Then you wake up, and it's all still there and that day adds to it...it's starts to bury you.
    I went through a period where I was letting my ds play an hour up to two hours of wii everyday after we did our lessons. I would pay my dd a couple of dollars to take care of 3yo ds so I could do yoga, clean the house. She took it as a serious job and planned lessons for him! I needed those 2 hours desperately. Eventually I had to change things because dd was having a harder time keeping her little brother out of trouble and ds was playing too much wii. Now I don't get the time during the day but 3yo ds is going to sleep earlier so I get it at night.
    My point being, do what you have to do. Letting her use the kindle won't develop life long tendencies. And if it saves your sanity, gives you a little equilibrium, everyone benefits from that. It won't be forever. As a side, would your oldest dd take on the task of entertaining her little sis so you can pay bills or catch up on housework?

  11. #11

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    I agree with Bridget that letting her use kindle or wii or something is not a life sentence; it could be changed later and the most important thing is that you get me time and survive that phase...
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

  12. #12
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    Thanks for all the suggestions. I just need to hang on until Sept and then I should hopefully have a lot more time to breathe. I took advantage of my mom being here today and caught up on a few things. You are 100% right Bridget that I feel like I fall behind and then the next day just adds to it. At this point I feel like I am drowning and don't know where to start but I chipped away at a little bit today.

    I spoke to DH about giving up on trying and focusing on just dealing with her and getting through this without yelling which is hard because it's frustrating. We are considering setting up some reachable snacks and a listening station for books on CD from the library and if she gets up just let her do her own thing. We previously wouldn't let her have more food if she asked because we had already made sure she had enough to eat before bed and knew it was a stalling tactic but at this point as long as she gets it herself and brushes her teeth again she can do it. Hopefully this will ease some of the stress we feel when this happens. I am wondering if there is too much attention to bedtime and once we let it go if she will lose interest in this whole ordeal. Or maybe the stress of trying to please us is causing anxiety...who the hell knows. As I mentioned in the OP we just need a way to deal with this.....

    Oh and here is the punchline....it's currently 11:35pm and who is up saying she can't sleep....DD1! I HAVE to be doing something wrong here!!!

    ETA: Oh and to answer if DD1 could watch DD3....first of all for some reason she is too rough with her and DD3 is a tough cookie and is really hard to handle. I have tried to get DD2 to "babysit" for a bit while I help DD1 with her HW and sometimes it goes ok and other times it's a disaster. So it could work for very short periods of time but not while I have to really focus on anything.
    Last edited by macksmom; 05-13-2014 at 09:38 PM.
    Thing 1 (8), Thing 2 (5), Thing 3 (2)

  13. #13

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    You have to work on it with them ongoing and stay consistent. I guess I have the odd kids that are early to bed early to risers 7:00-7:30 PM sometimes later if we are visiting with grandparents that we haven't seen in while but, not often. The wake up about 6:30 am for Cody on school days and about 7:00 am for Sophia. Cody doesn't nap and hasn't nap since age 3. Sophia still naps for about 2 hours. I saw an episode like this on Super Nanny a couple of years ago the mom had the same issue - the kids would not go to bed. Sometimes Cody has trouble with this but, I make his room so he doesn't have to leave unless he has to use the bathroom. "Mom .. I am thirsty" Solution: Put a small cup of water in their room. "Mom.. I am afraid of the dark" Solution: Night light. "Mom I am scared of the thunder" Solution Mom and Dad are here to keep you safe, and remember you have daddy's dragon blanket to protect you. "Mom can I sleep with a toy" Solution: You have your bear. "Mom I need to go to the bathroom" Solution "Go and then its back to your room for bedtime". You have to physically lead them back to their rooms sometimes don't talk other than "Goodnight I love you its bedtime". You might have to do this 100 times but, consistently is key. If one day you are stern and they might listen once then the next day you let them do whatever its never going to work. I am not trying to be mean about it I just trying to help.
    *** Lindsay ***



  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Geneari View Post
    Sorry, not trying to hijack, I'm curious about this. Did you let him sleep where ever you found him, or move him into bed?

    I would always move him to the bed. Thankfully moving him never disrupted him, but he'd still always get up at some point later and get in bed (or back in bed) with me.

    He sleeps all night now (at almost 7 and has for a while), and goes to bed just fine but i wasn't sure we'd ever get to this point!
    ~Kim~Kaylee~Kai~

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    Mason is a horrible sleeper. He can stay on his iPad until 9:30 as long as he stays in bed. We let him finish up whatever he is watching and he turns it off when his time is up. He does audio books as well. Dh has to have a tv on to fall asleep so it's what he's had from In Utero on. He can sometime manage without it but everyone is happier if he has it so I let him.
    Julie, DH: W, DS: Mason, GGB Trips Amelia, Ellanor & Noah
    FFS "Baby C" disrupted fost/adopt of sibs Q,Z,J & K 9/10-3/11

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    I had typed a whole reply earlier and my computer turned off in the middle!

    It is probably true that we would have been better off remaining consistent with whatever way we had decided to handle it but we were just desperate to find a solution to this problem and could not tell really what the issue was - ie, overtired, scared, anxiety, disregard for rules, physical issue, etc. Each time I thought I had it figured out it would seem to blow up in my face. Ironically every time I post here about it things get better lol! Tonight seems to have gone well! It's nice to have at least one night of peace.

    I think we will just go with the "giving up" tactic and after 9pm let her do what she wants within reason. I finally succeeded in downloading an audio book from the library (I was having a hard time getting it on the kindle) so that will be another avenue which I prefer before resorting to letting her actually use/watch something on her kindle. I wouldn't want her to get too attached to falling asleep to something like a TV because I got used to it while I was pg with DD3 and now I can't seem to fall asleep without it! I know many people like that. Although with small devices it makes it easier to load or stream something from an ipod and use headphones w/o having to disturb your partner. Still I wouldn't want her to have to rely on something so young.
    Thing 1 (8), Thing 2 (5), Thing 3 (2)

  17. #17
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    I think allowing her to read or listen to books on the Kindle is a good idea. If her brain isn't shutting off anyway, which it sounds like it isn't, this will give her something to do. I fall asleep while reading in bed (or on the couch earlier in the eve, lol) all the time. If she dozes off while listening to books it's pretty much the same thing. A nice way to go to sleep, if you ask me. I hope it helps!! I know you've been dealing with this for a long time and I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you and the rest of your family.

    ~ Cassie, mama to Madison (8), Ali (4) & Wesley (new dude!)


  18. #18

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    That is frustrating...we have been going through similar frustrations with my DD ever since she turned 2 it seems; she stopped going to bed at a decent hour and we therefore lost a lot of time to ourselves in the evenings to recharge and get things done and it's been frustrating and difficult. I'm reading a book on sleep but I don't know if it'll help any. I'm lucky if she's asleep by 9 or 9:30...sometimes it's not till 10. Could you take them to a mothers day out thing or hire a sitter for a few hours every now and then so you can get some stuff done? Or take them to a friends or family members house for awhile? Good luck!

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