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Thread: Where to go for support of a 3 yr old who's driving me nuts.

  1. #1

    Default Where to go for support of a 3 yr old who's driving me nuts.

    First off, I'd throw myself in front of a bus to save his life. I love my son more than anything in this world, but he drives me insane. I need to vent about him and I have no one to vent too. I've tried being honest with my husband but he's just sick of hearing the same thing day in and day out. So he's not an option anymore. We had a HUGE fight about it last night, oh it was awful. We've even been trying for another one, but on Tuesday it hit me that I just can't handle another baby. I'm going to be 38, very soon, it took us 8 yrs to get our son but he's been a nightmare since they cut him out of me. Motherhood hasn't been a bed of roses for me at all. And I need to be able to vent that and so much more without being judged. If that's even possible. I am so tired, I suffer from migraines, real ones that include seeing a neurologist, I sleep horribly. I'm home all day with him. I take a couple of hours a week for myself, but it's just boring being alone. I don't drink so going out with the girls isn't an option since most think I'm strange for not drinking. Hello?? Migraines people. I digress. Does anyone know of someplace I can go online where I won't be judged for saying what I really feel? I'm nearing the end of my sanity rope. And we live paycheck to paycheck so therapy is out.

    Help.

  2. #2
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    Have you taken him to the school district for an evaluation? The local schools provide services for children ages 3-5 and if he needs support due to delays (and these might include speech or behavior problems) they sometimes offer a preschool program free of charge. If nothing else, even if he does not qualify for services, they will evaluate him for free and may provide you with some suggestions for handling his behavior at home.

    It is also possible they could connect you with a program such as Head Start or other local program that is available for low income families, if you meet the financial criteria. We have a program in our district for "typical" peer models that is income based and kids attend free. The classroom is mixed and is taught by a special education teacher used to supporting children with behavioral problems.
    Last edited by Gwenn; 04-10-2014 at 02:41 PM.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  3. #3
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    I agree with Gwenn. Also, have you discussed what is going on with your son's pediatrician? Basically, do you think something is up with your DS or are you just really frazzled/stressed out?

    You can also talk with us about what is going on, if you like. Obviously nothing is really anonymous on the internet so if you want true privacy that won't work. There are also lots of moms groups that you could join (MOPS, church groups, local play groups) some of which are free that could also be a support group.
    Jessica (33) and Ryan (33). Madelyn born August 5, 2009; Malachi born December 23, 2010 and Nathaniel born July 19, 2013. Lost a loved baby 02/29/12, 05/14/12 and 07/05/12 all due a serious allergic reaction to fabric softener.
    My Ovulation Chart , My blog about MCAD

  4. #4
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    What about him is driving you nuts? He could have behavioral issues that could be helped with therapy or changing what he is eating.

    No judgement here. Vent all you need to....

    Thing 1 (8), Thing 2 (5), Thing 3 (2)

  5. #5

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    Motherhood can be so stressful, and I'd like to offer you some first of all. No judgement here, just sympathy/empathy.

    The isolation seems to be getting to you. I was in a similar situation with my DD and what really helped me was enrolling her in a daycare/preschool 3 mornings a week for 2.5 hours each morning. We are a one-income household, but we made some sacrifices so we could send her to preschool and it has been a real benefit to both her and I. I would really recommend trying to get some help with his care in some way so that you can have space, and time to yourself. You need more than a couple hours a week to be healthy mentally. Our society is so isolating to moms and we really need to remember its not natural for us to be focused on our kids 24/7 without breaks. We are not mentally or physically equipped for it, so ease up on yourself for feeling overwhelmed. You are not alone, by far.

    Second I would say you are only a couple of years away from him being in school. I'm not sure how things are in your state but here it is mandated full-day kindy. That is a lot of time to yourself. You will regain so much of yourself during this time and will be able to re-focus yourself and center again. Hang in there as much as you can, know there is a light coming and it won't be this intense forever. In the meantime please try to find help in caring for him however you can. Space from him will do you a world of good.




  6. #6

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    When Cody was 2.5- almost 3.5 until Sophia was born he was wild and had tantrums several times a day. If tantrums are the issue put him a place without toys maybe his room if its toy less or take out any form of entertainment and have him set in there. It helped Cody to cool down when he was alone in his room for a while. Try to investigate if there are any income based preschool available. Or maybe if there is anyone who could help watch him a couple of days a week for a couple of hours day. Some space is so essential for both child and parent see if maybe a friend with children can trade favors for babysitting if money is tight.
    *** Lindsay ***



  7. #7

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    I will respond more tonight. But what u describe is very common for some kids and moms. U r not alone.

  8. #8

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    were you ever treated for ppd? Diagnosed? (Even with a relatively quick diagnosis, I was on meds and seeing a therpist for that for 2+ years. I still have effects from it, at 4.5 years on... I.e., it's not something that happens only in the first few mos after birth.)

    With behavior, marriage adjustments (including financial burdens), being at home alone with a toddler, isolation from friends and family... it's not surprising that you're at wit's end. Doesn't make you a bad mother in the slightest; just means that you staying at home full time wasn't the best solution for you, your son, or your family.

    You might look to a site called postpartum progress. You may find essays and advice there that could be useful. And could you afford a job, even part time? Find someone else to watch your son, even if your full salary goes to paying that cost? Perhaps you could even find a job with a counseling center, day care, or non-profit that specializes in children and families... kinda get benefit from being around people who will understand and getting paid to do it.

    I hope things get better for you!
    Last edited by ibisgirldc; 04-10-2014 at 05:51 PM.

  9. #9

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    I was going to mention post partum depression as well. and others covered the possibility of your son having a developmental issue.

    Do you do things during the week with your son? Playgroups, classes, fieldtrips? Have you looked into MOMSclub? in addition to playgroups and other weekly or monthly meetings they have a moms night out, and the one i was in rarely involved alcohol. Do you have other mom friends you talk to?

    One thing you should know, is that nearly every mom has feelings on being at the end of their rope, and that they just want to get away. The important thing is having the support both physically and emotionally and knowing what to do with those feelings. There is hope! You just need to find the right place to reach out to.

  10. #10

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    *hugs* to you. I think we all need to vent sometimes about our kids driving us crazy. I'm at home all week with 2 boys who I also love very much, but at the same time, there are times I just want to curl up and cry and hide. Motherhood is hard!!

    Some things that are helpful to me is getting out to playgroups with my MOMS group. We don't really talk too much about issues our kids are having, but it's nice to be able to interact with other adults and have your kids around, too. We also joined the YMCA. That has been a blessing to our family. They offer financial support to anyone who needs it. I am able to go and exercise by myself while the kids go to the daycare there. It helps to give me a break from them, but also, the exercise is good for me physically and mentally. Also, I don't drink much either. My friends never say anything, though. Perhaps you could find another group to meet up with at night? Do you like to read? We started a book club, and it's one night a month I really look forward to.

    Are you on Facebook? There are a few parenting related groups I am a part of, and I specifically remember someone in the past day or 2 venting about their sensitive child. She really wanted to know if she was alone, and many of chimed in with our own struggles with children with sensory issues. It was very light-hearted and made me feel like I'm not the only one who had that problem (and I wasn't even the one who started the thread!). So, if you are looking to vent somewhere online, you could try that.

  11. #11

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    Hugs mama; it sounds tough. I would consider all 3 possibilities: it is possible that you experience some sort of depression and you should talk to your family doc or OB (I would that regardless of exploring the other 2 options); it is possible that things are worse because you do not go out and do a lot of things with other moms with kids (not friends and drinks; meeting moms at playgrounds) and it is very possible that you son has developmental and behavioral problems. Often times, strangers, friends and family are in complete denial about a child's issues and blame it on the mom.

    My DS1 has special needs and when young, my MIL went to lengths to convince my DH I was overreacting, my mom kept telling me that I was ambitious overachiever who expected too much from him, DH did not believe me, close friends told me to "believe in him". But I did not give up and kept pushing the issue with early intervention, then the school district and after that private evaluations. Every evaluation showed problems and with every eval friends and family toned down their attitude. My DS1 was eventually diagnosed with complex neurological disorder otherwise specified - includes identified ADHD, dyspraxia, apraxia of speech and sensory processing integration disorder. I am so glad I did not listen to my friends and family. Once his condition was identified I was able to find what works for him, how to manage his behavior which could escalate and become outrageous, get therapy for him. The amount of improvement I have seen is incredible and he recently underwent another evaluation in the school district for IEP purposes where the team sang my praises about his incredible improvement and yada yada yada.

    I would take Gwenn's advice to heart and have him evaluated. I could be wrong but he sounds like a high functioning special needs child. I only say this because my experience is that 100% of the times I have heard or seen a mom who complains that her young child is driving her insane and people around her are tired of her complaints, this child has ended up with a diagnosis. It is anecdotal evidence but I am in several special needs groups so that's a pretty large sample. All special needs children pose challenges but the high functioning ones (for the lack of a better term) are really tricky; they appear "normal" to the rest but drive caregivers up a tall wall due to their pervasive issues which do not allow them to function like a neuro typical child. FB has a lot of private groups (most of them local) for moms with special needs kids and there are other local forums too. I would probably go the private insurance route and the school district too. The evaluators can point to these groups and you will be able to find more once you know what's going on with your son.

    You are right that you cannot vent in front of all moms; many moms of neurotypical kids are judgy and have advice that cannot work on a special needs child so you will end up feeling worse about complaining. And yes, sometimes moms who deal with a SN child MUST VENT.

    I would still look into options 1 and 2 because it could be that your child has some problems but you have depression which makes things 100 times worse.
    Last edited by tanyachap; 04-11-2014 at 07:27 AM.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

  12. #12

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    You say you live paycheck to paycheck but what about insurance? You must have one and it often provides therapy for both mom and child.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

  13. #13

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    I've felt the same way since my son was 3. It's been a lot harder than I expected. It gets easier when they go to school. LOL. Are you planning on sending him to preschool? Even a half day program would help you relax a little.

    Are you doing anything for you, like things you love to do, or just something for yourself? A monthly massage, or coffee with friends, or something you can look forward to. You could ask people you know if they know a good sitter and just get out for a while.

    I agree with running things by your pediatrician just to make sure everything is on track.

  14. #14

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    i could of posted the same thing... with a few slight variations. (1. vaginal birth and 2. i have 2 kids)

    i totally understand how you feel. so feel free to pm all your venting to me.
    the other gals have given good advice. and hang in there. you will be starting him in school soon and then you can pick up a hobby and relax a bit. i crochet and i sew. there have been days when i make ds do something so i can crochet and since crocheting relaxes me it makes the day go smoother..
    some things that i "make" ds do so i can get some sewing or crocheting in are playdough, painting/arts and crafts, water play in the bathtub, and i will, when its nice out, take my projects outside and watch him play while sitting and crocheting or hand stitching something.


  15. #15

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Have you taken him to the school district for an evaluation? The local schools provide services for children ages 3-5 and if he needs support due to delays (and these might include speech or behavior problems) they sometimes offer a preschool program free of charge. If nothing else, even if he does not qualify for services, they will evaluate him for free and may provide you with some suggestions for handling his behavior at home.

    It is also possible they could connect you with a program such as Head Start or other local program that is available for low income families, if you meet the financial criteria. We have a program in our district for "typical" peer models that is income based and kids attend free. The classroom is mixed and is taught by a special education teacher used to supporting children with behavioral problems.
    His speech is slightly delayed but not terrible. We had him evaluated a month ago and they said he's right where he should be for his age. He just turned 3. I take him to a playgroup once a week and OMG the mothers there are so freakin' clicky it's like I stepped back in high school again. Why do women do that? I'm not the most outgoing person in the world but I at least smile and say hello to them. Every week, and every week I get ignored. I just keep going for my son to get the socialization. The longest 1.5 hours of my week. So sad.

  16. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by JJorn View Post
    I agree with Gwenn. Also, have you discussed what is going on with your son's pediatrician? Basically, do you think something is up with your DS or are you just really frazzled/stressed out?

    You can also talk with us about what is going on, if you like. Obviously nothing is really anonymous on the internet so if you want true privacy that won't work. There are also lots of moms groups that you could join (MOPS, church groups, local play groups) some of which are free that could also be a support group.
    Yes, I'm frazzled and stressed out. And I have no clue if he's "normal". He's our only child. I certainly feel like I'm the only one who feels this way. It's a horrible feeling.

  17. #17
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    Are there any meetups in your area? That might be another way to connect with people. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. You are most definitely not alone.

    Could you elaborate a bit on the behaviors that you find most challenging, so that perhaps we can provide more useful advice?

  18. #18

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    Quote Originally Posted by tanyachap View Post
    You say you live paycheck to paycheck but what about insurance? You must have one and it often provides therapy for both mom and child.
    Yes, we have insurance. But our premiums doubled this year, deductible went up and the coverage went down. Like it always does. Plus my husband has so many health problems that costs us a lot of money between doctors visits and prescriptions there's just nothing left.

  19. #19

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    Big hugs mama!Try a different play group if you can, find one you like. It may be your saving grace finding a group of moms (in real life) who you can hang out with and feel comfortable around, and you'll realize you are not alone in your thinking. I'm sorry about the headaches and lack of sleep, I know how devastating lack of sleep can be on your happiness and quality of life. Hope things get better for you!

  20. #20

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    Quote Originally Posted by macksmom View Post
    What about him is driving you nuts? He could have behavioral issues that could be helped with therapy or changing what he is eating.

    No judgement here. Vent all you need to....

    EVERYTHING DRIVES ME NUTS!!! Everything is a constant battle with him. I'm always in the defensive mode because I know if I'm not then there'll be hell to pay. He doesn't listen - ever. Unless I use my loud mom voice. Which I HATE using because I feel like a monster every time. I ask once, twice and then after the third time it's always yelling. He gets time outs for the bad stuff, hitting, throwing (after first warning). And the amazing thing is if we slip up and he catches us tossing something 2 feet away, he's like, "momma, don't throw"! And then I want to pull my hair out because I know he hears me but he just won't do it himself. Getting him to put his coat on, shoes on (which he refuses to do), shoes off. He'll at least take his coat off without a fight. Small victory, right? He's just not independent at all. He wants me to do everything for him. He still want's me to feed him for crying out loud! Which I don't. But good heavens' meals would go so much faster if I did...

    I am such a terrible person writing this for everyone to read. And laugh at me. God, maybe I do have ppd. Or some sort of depression.

  21. #21

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I've felt the same way since my son was 3. It's been a lot harder than I expected. It gets easier when they go to school. LOL. Are you planning on sending him to preschool? Even a half day program would help you relax a little.

    Are you doing anything for you, like things you love to do, or just something for yourself? A monthly massage, or coffee with friends, or something you can look forward to. You could ask people you know if they know a good sitter and just get out for a while.

    I agree with running things by your pediatrician just to make sure everything is on track.
    Yes, I wanted to put him in part time day care to slowly 'cut the cord' if you will. But I had no idea how expensive it is! I'm afraid we'll have to wait until next year to be able to afford it. I'll have to cut back on our insurance to do it, but something has to give.

  22. #22
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    If you want (don't feel obligated) I will look over his evaluation report. It is difficult to evaluate the receptive language (comprehension) of a child younger than three and I can tell you whether I think the evaluation was done thoroughly. Frequently it isn't. No pressure, though.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  23. #23

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    Have you thought about some kind of preschool program a few days a week? I am sure there are some programs out there that will give$$ assistance. Im pretty positive the YMCA gives help. This might give you a break a few times a week. Three is a really hard age. Hang in there.

  24. #24

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    Quote Originally Posted by froggie83 View Post
    i could of posted the same thing... with a few slight variations. (1. vaginal birth and 2. i have 2 kids)

    i totally understand how you feel. so feel free to pm all your venting to me.
    the other gals have given good advice. and hang in there. you will be starting him in school soon and then you can pick up a hobby and relax a bit. i crochet and i sew. there have been days when i make ds do something so i can crochet and since crocheting relaxes me it makes the day go smoother..
    some things that i "make" ds do so i can get some sewing or crocheting in are playdough, painting/arts and crafts, water play in the bathtub, and i will, when its nice out, take my projects outside and watch him play while sitting and crocheting or hand stitching something.
    I do knit, but I think I'm the only one who doesn't 'relax' while doing it because I'm so afraid of screwing it up and having to rip it out and start over...I'm such a mess. The only problem is since he's the only one, he want's me to play with him. ALL. THE. TIME. We have a nice back yard, swing set that he loves with a sandbox but he wants me in there with him. And every time I re-read these posts I want to delete them because all I'm doing is complaining about him and that makes me feel horrible. Ugh, why did I post this...the guilt is so overwhelming.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by historygeek View Post
    Have you thought about some kind of preschool program a few days a week? I am sure there are some programs out there that will give$$ assistance. Im pretty positive the YMCA gives help. This might give you a break a few times a week. Three is a really hard age. Hang in there.
    Yes, YMCA is often reduced cost. Also there are head start programs, and as I mentioned before, the school district may offer an integrated preschool program and be willing to accept children for free or reduced cost as peer models.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  26. #26

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    That's just like how it is here. Challenging at every step, not listening, wanting people to do things for him. You may have depression--did you struggle with feeling low before you had your son or has it only come up since then?
    Everyone tells me he's testing me. He's seeing how long it takes before mommy gets mad. Don't ask me why he wants to make me mad, but apparently it's fun for kids to get a rise out of their parents. Try not reacting. Try telling him to do something once and then walk away. Put a reward system in place for if he has something done the first time you ask, or within a certain time limit (set a timer for 5 minutes for example and say he has to be dressed by then, or whatever. It's been a long time since my son was 3--I can't remember what were expecting of him back then. You know better than I do what your goals are)

    I know it's so hard to stay patient when it feels like he's never learning, but once in a while I'll see him do something that we worked on for so long, and it really is rewarding.

  27. #27

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    Quote Originally Posted by historygeek View Post
    Have you thought about some kind of preschool program a few days a week? I am sure there are some programs out there that will give$$ assistance. Im pretty positive the YMCA gives help. This might give you a break a few times a week. Three is a really hard age. Hang in there.
    As weird as this sounds my hubby makes too much money to qualify for assistance. (they never look at the take home pay) But he's also got a LOT of health problems that cost us a ton of money so we have penny's left at the end of the month. It's a vicious cycle. We just can't get ahead.

  28. #28

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    That's just like how it is here. Challenging at every step, not listening, wanting people to do things for him. You may have depression--did you struggle with feeling low before you had your son or has it only come up since then?
    Everyone tells me he's testing me. He's seeing how long it takes before mommy gets mad. Don't ask me why he wants to make me mad, but apparently it's fun for kids to get a rise out of their parents. Try not reacting. Try telling him to do something once and then walk away. Put a reward system in place for if he has something done the first time you ask, or within a certain time limit (set a timer for 5 minutes for example and say he has to be dressed by then, or whatever. It's been a long time since my son was 3--I can't remember what were expecting of him back then. You know better than I do what your goals are)

    I know it's so hard to stay patient when it feels like he's never learning, but once in a while I'll see him do something that we worked on for so long, and it really is rewarding.
    Um, yeah. When I was 7 months pregnant hubby came home and said he was losing his job. Throw in 8 years of ttc DS in the first place, and I've probably been depressed for a very long time. Then we had to move back across the country to live with my parents for 2 very long years. Good God how did we get through that. My parents are wonderful people, but we don't see eye to eye on many things so it was hard. And then our son was born with a heart/lung condition that tortured us his first week he was born and now it just tortures me daily until something happens and he'll have to have heart surgery. It's coming, we just don't know when...its the not knowing is what kills you.

    That's a very good question: Why do they want to get a rise out of us?!?! I feed, clothe, hug, kiss, change his freaking diaper because he doesn't want to use the big boy potty. AT ALL. And he still pushes every button I have. I swear to God he's the smartest kid I know.

  29. #29

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Yes, YMCA is often reduced cost. Also there are head start programs, and as I mentioned before, the school district may offer an integrated preschool program and be willing to accept children for free or reduced cost as peer models.
    I'll check out the YMCA suggestion. Thanks for that. I would have never thought of them. I wonder if we even have one here...

  30. #30

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    Please do not feel bad. Some children are very very challenging. Nobody here can or should judge you. Nobody!

    I would look for another group in the area
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

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