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Thread: Another hospital visitor question. Need advice.

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    Question Another hospital visitor question. Need advice.

    As I said in the other post my sister does not want to be at my birth. She just does not want to be in the room. She wants to stay home. I was a little hurt but I understand, kinda. I mean I would want to be at anyone of my friend or families birth. That is a permissible circumstance to take off of work too. All tho my sister seems to think that they would not let her take off of work. None the less we only have one car, and it is going to be taking me to the hospital. So regardless she will not be going to work... if she has work, Unless she can get a ride. Now I was okay with this. My family is a little different. We are more relaxed when it comes to things like this. However when I mentioned it to my DH and he was instantly furious. He said he could understand her not wanting to be in the room, but not at the hospital at all was unacceptable. With his first child everyone went. His boss even went. He had to come home a movie shoot to be there. All of his friends were there and even his roommate who hates hospitals with a passion (and did not tell anyone until well after, as to not hurt anyone's feelings) was there. I started to think about this and it did bother me and hurt my feelings more. I mean She is my only real family outside of DH living here. We have friends that I consider like family here... but that is not really the same. This is my first and we tried for 5 years to get here. And she would rather stay home and play video games, her words. I did not tell DH that because I knew that would make him mad. But I do get that she will just be sitting around for god knows how long for the baby to come. So I kinda get that will be boring in a way. But at the same time... I couldn't imagine not being there if any of my siblings were having a baby.

    So how do I deal with this? How do you all feel about people just being at the hospital? Is it normal to expect family to be there waiting for a first? My DH said if she is not there he will be so mad with her she will not be able to live with us anymore. They already butt heads on several things. I am going to talk with her about it today... but I don't want to upset her.
    Mariah (35) and DH (40) BFP 8/12/13! Baby Kayla is here! Praying for all the APA girls .

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    Labor is a long event. If she's not going to be in the room, she's going to be in an uncomfortable waiting room with little to do. I don't think it's unreasonable to come after you deliver.

    ETA: I must have skipped over the video game comment. That's not really ok, imo. There are better ways to handle it. I think you should just let her know how you feel and if she changes her mind, great, and if not, then you just have to accept it.
    Last edited by Geneari; 03-27-2014 at 09:01 AM.
    Natalie [31] DH [40] 9/01, 1/06 NaturallyNatalie's Hair Accessories!

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    I would be upset by the comment she made. I mean, she would rather be playing video game? Really? I would tell her how that made me feel, too. That is a lame reason to not be there.

    For my first I would expect at least my Mom to be there but not my siblings. However, I would really be upset by a comment like what your sister made. I was not at my sister's baby's birth. I actually relieved my mom of watching my kids so she would be there. It was more important that she be there than me.
    Dayna (37) DH (38) DD (6) DS1 (3) DS2 3-31-14

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    Quote Originally Posted by Geneari View Post
    Labor is a long event. If she's not going to be in the room, she's going to be in an uncomfortable waiting room with little to do. I don't think it's unreasonable to come after you deliver.

    ETA: I must have skipped over the video game comment. That's not really ok, imo. There are better ways to handle it. I think you should just let her know how you feel and if she changes her mind, great, and if not, then you just have to accept it.
    Yes. And well... we only have one car... so she could not even get to the hospital if she did not come with us.

    Quote Originally Posted by daynasrose View Post
    I would be upset by the comment she made. I mean, she would rather be playing video game? Really? I would tell her how that made me feel, too. That is a lame reason to not be there.

    For my first I would expect at least my Mom to be there but not my siblings. However, I would really be upset by a comment like what your sister made. I was not at my sister's baby's birth. I actually relieved my mom of watching my kids so she would be there. It was more important that she be there than me.
    If she were home watching her/ my of another relatives kids that would be understandable too. The more I think about it, the more upsetting it is that she is my ONLY blood relative that can be there, and she does not want to be. My family knows how important this is to me...

    BTW, I also remembered that she did not attend my wedding because she had school and she could not miss any more classes. :/
    Mariah (35) and DH (40) BFP 8/12/13! Baby Kayla is here! Praying for all the APA girls .

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    I am not in this due date room, but I came across this and wanted to reply.

    You cannot make someone care. If she doesn't want to come genuinely from her heart, then do you really want her there? What's the point? When my sister was in labor, I took off work, my husband stayed with the kids and I spent all day at the hospital with her from beginning to end. I did it because I love my sister and wanted to share these moments with her and couldn't imagine missing the birth of my niece. Unfortunately, your sister does not feel that way. Your husband will be there, and when that baby is born...nothing else will matter at that moment. Enjoy it and don't put energy into someone that doesn't care.
    Mommy to Lilliana (10/2006) & Summer (10/2011)!




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    Quote Originally Posted by Lillismom View Post
    I am not in this due date room, but I came across this and wanted to reply.

    You cannot make someone care. If she doesn't want to come genuinely from her heart, then do you really want her there? What's the point? When my sister was in labor, I took off work, my husband stayed with the kids and I spent all day at the hospital with her from beginning to end. I did it because I love my sister and wanted to share these moments with her and couldn't imagine missing the birth of my niece. Unfortunately, your sister does not feel that way. Your husband will be there, and when that baby is born...nothing else will matter at that moment. Enjoy it and don't put energy into someone that doesn't care.
    Agree!
    Dayna (37) DH (38) DD (6) DS1 (3) DS2 3-31-14

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lillismom View Post
    I am not in this due date room, but I came across this and wanted to reply.

    You cannot make someone care. If she doesn't want to come genuinely from her heart, then do you really want her there? What's the point? When my sister was in labor, I took off work, my husband stayed with the kids and I spent all day at the hospital with her from beginning to end. I did it because I love my sister and wanted to share these moments with her and couldn't imagine missing the birth of my niece. Unfortunately, your sister does not feel that way. Your husband will be there, and when that baby is born...nothing else will matter at that moment. Enjoy it and don't put energy into someone that doesn't care.

    I get what you are saying. And that is why I was okay with her decision. My husband feels like it is very inconsiderate. And he basically does not want her to live with us anymore if she does not care and or is not going to be there. To him it is the last straw. Like I said the already butt heads on many things. But their view on the importance of family and occasions like this differ. To him and the way he was raised thins like this are a celebration of grand perorations. So if someone does not care it is very insulting. And so why even bother trying to get along or be a part of their life.

    So I did talk to my sister... which went pretty horrible at first. She feels like she has to be there and her decision is being taken away. I tried to have her think of it in terms of me wanting her to be there which she doesn't have a problem with at all. Looking back On the conversation, I should not have brought up my husbands POV at all. But he wanted her to know how he felt about it. And they get too emotional when they discuss things so I am always the middle man.
    Mariah (35) and DH (40) BFP 8/12/13! Baby Kayla is here! Praying for all the APA girls .

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    From some of your previous posts, it seems like she's on the immature side ... perhaps she (like most people) is focused on herself and all of the changes this baby is going to bring to her, instead of being a giving and compassionate person and thinking about how she can help you and your DH transition into parenthood.

    I wonder if maybe she's viewing the time that you guys are at the hospital as the last time she's going to have peace in the house ... hence the whole "I wanna stay home and play video games" comment?

    The only other word of advice that I have, is don't let your other family members take your zen. That goes for all of them, but I'm mainly thinking about your Dad being so upset about it ... that seemed like a trigger for you. You seemed completely fine with it prior to that conversation. Only you know the kind of relationship you have with your sister, and the kind of relationship you're okay having with your sister.
    Dorcas (35) DH (36) 3/13



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    This is a tough one Mariah, and I can see why both you and your DH would be hurt and upset by your sister's comments. I would be too. I would agree with Dorcas on the point that she sounds like she is more focused on how the baby will affect her life instead of focusing on how she can help and support you during this transition. I think it's great that you tried talking to her about it, even it didn't go well. At least she knows how you feel and she has some time to think about it from another perspective.

    I have a somewhat similar situation with my sister that happened this weekend. When my mom was asking about my hospital stay and family visiting, my sister commented on how it would be the end of the school year for her (she's a teacher) and would be tough get away, which I completely understand. But when I mentioned she could just wait until the weekend to see us she said well there will probably soccer games and other stuff going on. Haha, that was kind of a weird response. Both my DH and I took time off of work and spent a few days at the hospital (including nights away from home) for all three of her deliveries. For her first we cleaned her entire house, I shampooed the carpets myself, and put together the crib and the entire nursery for her and her husband while she was in the hospital. Then we welcomed them home and cooked for her! I chalk it up to personality differences - my DH and I are independent and private people, so we really do not open ourselves up to that kind of support. My sister and brother in law wants, needs, and expects everyone around to help them with everything. They are very demanding and have a huge sense of entitlement, unfortunately. We don't want a bunch of people at the hospital or our house, so this works best for us, but I had to laugh at what she said because it was so predictable.

    Mel (39) DH (37) Finally, a baby boy after 12 months of TTC!
    April 2013 http://www.saferpills.org/

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    Quote Originally Posted by khadijavye View Post
    From some of your previous posts, it seems like she's on the immature side ... perhaps she (like most people) is focused on herself and all of the changes this baby is going to bring to her, instead of being a giving and compassionate person and thinking about how she can help you and your DH transition into parenthood.

    I wonder if maybe she's viewing the time that you guys are at the hospital as the last time she's going to have peace in the house ... hence the whole "I wanna stay home and play video games" comment?

    The only other word of advice that I have, is don't let your other family members take your zen. That goes for all of them, but I'm mainly thinking about your Dad being so upset about it ... that seemed like a trigger for you. You seemed completely fine with it prior to that conversation. Only you know the kind of relationship you have with your sister, and the kind of relationship you're okay having with your sister.
    It is my Husband that is upset. My Dad lives in another state. He does not even know about the situation.

    I kinda felt around on facebook too. Everyone seems to feel the same ways as I do. I am upset that she didn't want to be there... but at the same time I totally understand that she could be waiting there for hours with nothing to do and nobody to talk to. That is why I was okay with it. My husband disagrees with the whole core of the situation being a huge deal. That is how he was raised and the culture of his family. A birth is a huge cause for celebration. And everyone is at the hospital.

    See... if we had another car between us it would be so much easier. It would not have been a big deal at all. She would have just come down as we are getting closer. You know? It turns out she really does think it is special and wants to be there... it is the whole waiting there in the waiting room all alone for hours. She does not want to be in the delivery room for obvious reasons. She is just uncomfortable for several reasons. I get it. But She really does want to be there for me. I wish I would have just asked her like that. Seriously the only reason she is upset is because of how upset my husband is about it. Weird and confusing I know. See she knows he is going to be pissed off if she doesn't go now. So she feels like she has to go. And in a way she is right because he will be so pissed she cannot live with us anymore. Like I said... I should have left it simple and told her that I just really wanted her to be there, because it is so special to me. And left it at that. Because then she would have gone and everyone would have been happy. Now she is going to be uncomfortable no matter what. :/ We kinda sorted it out tho... it should be fine.
    Mariah (35) and DH (40) BFP 8/12/13! Baby Kayla is here! Praying for all the APA girls .

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    How old is your sister?? It sounds like she's pretty young so I would say her response was pretty "normal". She's not married and has no children of her own so there is nothing for her to relate to. The best you can do(and I think you already have) is to tell her how her not being there would make you feel. I 100% understand about your DH being so upset. My DH and my family DO NOT get along and there have been MANY occasions he just wants to shut them out of our lives. In the end it's my family and he will let me decide how much they are in our lives, however since she's living with you it makes things a lot harder I'm sure.
    My whole family was in the waiting room when my first son was born(mine and my husbands side). However it was only because they were so close(living). Now that we're an hour and a half away they don't even come up until after the baby is born.
    I agree with what some other people said. It can be a VERY long wait for a baby to be born. If she's just going to be all by herself I could see how that would be pretty boring. Maybe she can take the car after you and DH are all checked into the hospital?? That way she has a little more freedom? DH isn't going to need to go anywhere anyway(or you lol).

    Chelsea Deven (5 years)
    DS- Dean(4 years), Dean's twin 8 weeks DS-Logan(3 years), DD-Hannah(1 year), DD- Abigail(1 month), We're a big family and loving every minute of it

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    Sorry, Mariah, I don't know how I missed that you were taking about your DH. Like my waitress at Red Robin last weekend, I'll blame it on the . LOL.

    Does your sister have any friends (friendly coworkers) that could bring her up to the hospital? Also, could she drive you guys to the hospital and keep the car until it's time for delivery? I certainly didn't let DH go anywhere in the over 24 hours we were waiting for go-time in the hospital
    Dorcas (35) DH (36) 3/13



  13. #13
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    I don't know what I'd say and do in such situations. I would be hurt I guess. But honestly, you and dh don't want a sour complaining face of someone who is not willing to share your special occasion.
    I don't know your story with your sister and why she keeps living with you but seems she's been always like this and I wouldn't be surprised to her behaviour on this occasion. If you could arrange for her to live separately since it is such a huge strain on your family emotionally - I would do that ASAP.
    Miss T (10.17.2008) Miss A(06.30.2012) Flipper #3 due 06.2014
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