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Thread: When does it get "real"?

  1. #1
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    Default When does it get "real"?

    I'm feeling a little disconnected, I guess, from my pregnancy right now. Which I think is weird because I have a slowly growing stash of baby things, I make baby things almost every day--I'm getting kicked on a somewhat regular schedule now--but I feel like this is something that is happening around me, not something I'm a part of. I'm doing lots of reading about labor and NB care and trying to prepare as much as I can. But idk it feels more like studying for an exam than anything.

    I made an off handed comment to my DH about it not seeming that real and he said it feels very real to him. I had lunch with my BFF a couple weeks ago and she was asking me lots of questions (she doesn't have kids) and I felt like all my answers were very clinical and not really emotional and I felt bad about that.

    I'm not sure there's anything I can do differently, but maybe there is. I'm not really obsessing over this feeling or anything, I'm sure it will go away, just looking for some encouragement or BTDT stories.

    Natalie [31] DH [40] 9/01, 1/06 NaturallyNatalie's Hair Accessories!

  2. #2

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    Honestly, I don't know that it truly becomes "real" until the baby is here. With my first, I had no idea what to expect, really, until he was in my arms. Things changed from hypothetical to reality pretty quickly when he was born. Same thing with my twins. I just knew that I'd love them, but even having had another baby before, I wasn't sure what to expect.

    I think it's normal. It doesn't mean you won't bond with your baby. It's just hard to really internalize what the reality of it all is.



  3. #3
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    What you are feeling is pretty normal, I think. I was excited about each of my children and prepared for them but at times it was very hard to believe that I was having a baby. I had periods like that until they were born.
    Jessica (33) and Ryan (33). Madelyn born August 5, 2009; Malachi born December 23, 2010 and Nathaniel born July 19, 2013. Lost a loved baby 02/29/12, 05/14/12 and 07/05/12 all due a serious allergic reaction to fabric softener.
    My blog about MCAD

  4. #4

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    Natalie, that's also part and parcel of who you are. You are very analytical, so of course your answers would be more to the clinical side. I don't think you get that emotional, gushy stuff until after the baby is born ... and even then you may not have as much of that as another woman might. It's a LONG 40 weeks. ;) There's not a ton of stuff to get excited about, honestly, after you know the gender. Maybe a 3D/4D ultrasound, but that's about it until birth. ;)
    Dorcas (35) DH (36) 3/13



  5. #5
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    With my first it wasn't until she was born and we were home (still felt a little like it wasn't real and she wasn't mine while in the hospital)...I felt the same way about my wedding, it didn't feel real until it was over. LOL, I woke up after the first night of my honeymoon feeling panicked (ha, cried in the shower for half an hour...how's that for wedded bliss ). It was the sudden grip of never being able to go back, of new responsibilities I wasn't sure I was ready for, wondering if it was what I really wanted, and hoping everything was going to be okay .

    I think there are a huge range of feelings that are normal during and after pg. It has helped me over the years to accept however I'm feeling and know it is not an indicator of whether or not I love my baby or how capable I am of caring for them.

    The feelings eventually come, but they'll be your own version of them.
    Dh (39) Me (37) 8bio 1adopted, 14 angels






  6. #6

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    Stepping in to answer. With Cody it felt more real when we found out his gender and from about 21 weeks on he started to kick more often then it went to
    him kicking all the time. For the first few months even with the ultrasound and I knew logically that he would come I didn't have many symptoms. I feel a
    tad dizzy and tired but for the first trimester but, being tired all the time never went away during pregnancy with him. Him kicking, being tired especially the 2nd half, and being hungry all the time no matter what I ate made it even more real. The thing that was strange to me though is I never went through
    a nesting period that's how I felt different than every other woman I've known to be pregnant. I procrastinated a lot (unusual for me) when it came to
    get things ready for him. I was waiting to feel physically ready to clean, do clothes, wash bottles, etc and those feelings never came with Cody. So I
    had to push myself so hard to get out of bed it was so ridiculous. Then though Cody was an active kicker he was an easy going baby for the most part.
    With Sophia I had a completely different pregnancy I wanted to plan every single aspect of every single moment for the pregnancy. I wanted everything
    to be "perfect". Though I don't typically don't procrastinate when I hit about 25 weeks with her I had this urgent feeling that everything had to be
    done. It was crazy. I think its so normal in every way to view pregnancy differently depending on the person. I think as you go along closer to the
    due date and once you start setting up how things are going to be for the baby it might help sink it but, its not a big deal if it doesn't sink in.
    I think it since you seem to have many things going on in your life right now though you know the baby will be here within a few months you
    are still able to focus on now instead of later. I also think it might be helpful in some ways sometimes for it not to sink in because in some
    ways like with Sophia I was almost over focused on the pregnancy and had trouble thinking about anything else. I had a lot of anxiety
    that made the pregnancy feel like forever whereas with Cody I didn't have as much anxiety and I though it would be "forever" when
    the first several months really until the 8th month went by fast but, he is a July baby and Sophia is a November baby so being
    outside more while pregnant probably helped. So I wouldn't worry about it very much I think you going to be a great mom.
    *** Lindsay ***



  7. #7
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    I feel like that sometimes and I believe it is normal. More often I get doubts tho. I have wanted a baby so bad for so long, and now that I am pg and almost to the point of having her, I am scared that for some reason I wont want her, or it will be too hard, life will change so much. But I know these are all just normal feelings because life is about to change for my family.

    For me it became very real the first time I heard that sweet heartbeat. And even more when I got to see her. But every now and then I do feel a disconnect and I feel like this isn't real. I think some feel a disconnect more then others. I just watched one of the episodes of that British show "the midwives" and there was a young woman who was 100% disconnected. She was not happy or exited at all. But she said she didn't feel bothered ether. She just felt nothing for the baby. She saw a councilor for it. They wanted to make sure that the baby would be going home to a safe environment. And they took her to see brand new newborns and such. You could tell by the looks on her face that she was totally freaked out by the whole thing. After having the baby you could see the love for her child wash over her. She really was in love with her baby. And I think it really has to do with the act of birth. And finally getting to hold your baby, to touch, hold, smell them. That is the most magical part of birth. I love watching birth videos because of that magic moment when baby and mom meet each other face to face. I cry every time.
    Mariah (35) and DH (40) BFP 8/12/13! Baby Kayla is here! Praying for all the APA girls .

  8. #8
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    Babies are REAL???? but seriously, even when the baby is here is still feels surreal for a while!
    Miss T (10.17.2008) Miss A(06.30.2012) Flipper #3 due 06.2014
    Follow my blog on Facebook

  9. #9
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    HAHAHA! I you Varya.
    Natalie [31] DH [40] 9/01, 1/06 NaturallyNatalie's Hair Accessories!

  10. #10
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    I think what you are feeling is completely normal. With my first, I was feeling similarly but I would describe it as a "numb" feeling but I like the description "surreal" that cheeksy gave. It took me nine months after DD was born for things to completely sink in. It was a long process for me for some reason.
    Dayna (37) DH (38) DD (6) DS1 (3) DS2 3-31-14

  11. #11

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    What you're feeling is normal and when it will change can vary a lot.

    My first was almost 2 weeks old before it got really REAL for me. I was in the hospital 3 days after having him, at 5 days he went back into the hospital for jaundice, at 10 days I finally got to bring him home again. It was that weekend I was laying on the couch with him sleeping on my chest. I was looking at him and just started crying for no reason. DH came out from his shower and panicked a little. When he asked what was wrong, I said (smiling and crying at the same time) "I'm a mommy." He had this bewildered look (like "Duh, you just had a baby.") but it took that long for it to really sink in for me because everything had been so crazy since he was born.

    I have 5 now and sometimes that doesn't always seem really real either. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like they could all possibly be mine, but there they are every day changing and growing all the time. It's so strange - someone said surreal and that's a good way to put it. Like you said about it happening around me but not to me. Sometimes life happens so fast it's hard to process it all and other times it's so slow it feels like it's never going to happen. It's all normal. (((HUGS))) momma




  12. #12

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    Quote Originally Posted by Colee View Post
    What you're feeling is normal and when it will change can vary a lot.

    Sometimes life happens so fast it's hard to process it all and other times it's so slow it feels like it's never going to happen. It's all normal. (((HUGS))) momma
    I agree with this. Each time that I carried and birthed a baby there were emotions that vascillated from disbelief to joy to anxiety to guilt...for different things. With my last baby I felt guilty that I was so debilitated by pain and hugeness and fatigue that I didn't feel like I was giving my other kids the mom they deserved...I actually had moments when I thought, "Did we do the right thing getting pregnant again...at all and especially another one close in age?" But now my little beefcake is here and I can't imagine life without him or any of his siblings. It's absolutely insane sometimes (a lot of the time), but it's also so so so beautiful.

    Don't worry that you're the only mom who has ever felt a little disconnected. Mariah is right that for many women, birth itself and the hormones that surge when you breastfeed facilitate bonding you to that little person, barring any severe attachment issues or PPD. If you persistently felt detached & withdrawn even when your baby arrives, then I think it would be prudent to mention it to your obstetrical provider and/or a counselor, but I think at your stage of pregnancy with your first child, not knowing what to expect yet...it doesn't send up a red flag about PPD to me. Seems very normal.

    Meg (30), DH (40) & the 4 J's (Almost 7, 5, 3.5, 21 months)

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