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Thread: Another kind of loss in the family

  1. #1
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    Unhappy Another kind of loss in the family

    Sadly we lost another member of the family. No one passed on. However Grants first born daughter decided to not be a part of the family anymore. It is very sad, but she is not really family. She may be blood. But she doesn't give a shi-poop about anything. Losing her grandparents, her soon to be born sister, none of those things matter to her. It is heartbreaking. But she cares more about guns and politics. To us family has always meant more then inanimate objects and politics. Who really cares! family is family! right? Now... I don't really give a flying horse pucky about guns really. You can like them or not. I don't really care either way. everyone has a right to their opinion after all. But there is skewed lines of logic on both sides of the argument that makes my blood boil. I will point out rotten logic every time. I just cannot help myself. So, his daughter is always going on and on about guns. She loves them. Okay cool whatever. But then she posts horrible arguments that are not really arguments to begin with. I mean really... has anyone seriously ever thought a gun came to life loaded itself, went down to a school and went on a massive shooting spree? NO! you know why that is ridiculous. No one thinks that "guns" by themselves are killers. Anyone on the other side that says so is stupid too. And I have always said so. No matter what side of the gun debate you are on there is foul logic on both ends. So I say so... and I say what we really need is a real line of communication on both sides without this terrible illogical logic and falsehoods flying back and forth and we could have some real breakthroughs. COme together and get some compromises going for the good of all. There is always room for improvement and things can always be better. And what I get back is all of DH's EX's friends jumping all over my ass telling me how unsupportive we are and how right DDI is. WTH! Am I not allowed to try and teach my daughter in law logic, critical thinking and care for real intelligent communication! I got sick of it. They were not the kind of people who could handle a real intelligent line of communication. Which is sad. But no big deal, whatever. I just deleted my comments. Not wanting to get into it when DH's Mom had just passed. And then it occurred to me that she had not commented or called after the loss. So I posted on her wall that she must not have seen but we had the loss of her Grandmother and we all need to stick together in these sad times. We are there for her *hugs*. And then she deleted both of us and got married. It is obvious that she does not care. But it still hurts. FOr years and years we fought to have her in our life. And her mom filled her with lies. DDI is under the impression that we wanted nothing to do with her and DH left her when she was small. In fact it was quite the opposite. Her mom took her all the way to Texas when we all lived in the same city in California. Still we tried to work out summer visits or ANY visits. The Ex always said no. I am not even sure it was legal what she did. We should have pushed harder. But every time we tried even legally to get something done we would always end up at a dead end road. It was defeating and depressing. DH's Ex really wanted to hurt him. And she has won. It is not ddi fault I guess. But she is an adult. And I had higher hopes that she could see though all the BS now. Especially with all the proof we have. But no. DH will never be "her father", not in her eyes. And she chooses to believe all the lies. Heartbreaking.
    Last edited by mariahpoo2; 02-20-2014 at 06:29 PM.
    Mariah (35) and DH (40) BFP 8/12/13! Baby Kayla is here! Praying for all the APA girls .

  2. #2
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    Sorry this situation is so sad. However, we, women, all see things differently. Once we are hurt we often done want to see reasons. Similar thing happened with a friend of mine and she is on the side as your dh's ex. She is so hurt by the ex that she can't stand the thought of him trying all of a sudden being a father. Ex messed up A LOT and now he has another kid he tries to have a relationship with his daughter but it isn't going well cause he still has to give priority to the new baby etc. So I'm afraid her daughter will grow up also not being happy with anything her dad does. .. hope your step daughter realizes on her own that you have been trying to be a family. Big hugs
    Miss T (10.17.2008) Miss A(06.30.2012) Flipper #3 due 06.2014
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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheeksy View Post
    Sorry this situation is so sad. However, we, women, all see things differently. Once we are hurt we often done want to see reasons. Similar thing happened with a friend of mine and she is on the side as your dh's ex. She is so hurt by the ex that she can't stand the thought of him trying all of a sudden being a father. Ex messed up A LOT and now he has another kid he tries to have a relationship with his daughter but it isn't going well cause he still has to give priority to the new baby etc. So I'm afraid her daughter will grow up also not being happy with anything her dad does. .. hope your step daughter realizes on her own that you have been trying to be a family. Big hugs
    Yeah. That is sad. I would understand if that was the case too. No... DH's EX hates him and always has. She told him that she never loved him and just married him to mess with him. She cheated on him with almost all of his friends (not his friends anymore), cheated on him in other more permanent ways that everyone/anyone can get proof of (if you know what I mean), was abusive mentally, emotionally and physically. She basically tortured him. What friends he still has from that time told me what a monster she was. The really sick thing... she thought it was fun. She got off on making his life a living hell and used their daughter to further mess with him. She was never for a second hurt by DH or his involvement. She just loved the power play. I knew her. DH and I have been together 17 years now. Our relationship started about 2 years after their relationship ended. So I was there to see the EX use DD as a tool. Then when she took her away things just got worse. I would hold DH at night while he cried and cried. I don't think people should use children like this. His situation was/is extreme. But even if you are just hurt by the end of a relationship I don't think it is right to use the kids as pawns. If the parent is capable and loving that should be enough to let them continue or reestablish a relationship. We will always have open arms for her. But she is an adult now. She probably will never come around to us or if she does it will be years and years latter again. We are missing out on her who life because DH's EX finds enjoyment in making his life hell. We missed out on her childhood... and now we are missing out on her adult years.

    I really hate it. But as sad as it is DDI is the product of her mother. So over the past year as we got to know her it was harder and harder to relate to her. But we love her and try anyway. She is blood. Well all of our effort was unmatched and unwanted. DH feels sad, disappointed and like he wasted all that time caring, and hurting over someone that couldn't care less. There are several other things she does and says that are just plain shocking to both of us. Just Sad really. We still hope in time she will mature more and come around. Being only 20 she has a lot to learn.
    Mariah (35) and DH (40) BFP 8/12/13! Baby Kayla is here! Praying for all the APA girls .

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheeksy View Post
    Sorry this situation is so sad. However, we, women, all see things differently. Once we are hurt we often done want to see reasons. Similar thing happened with a friend of mine and she is on the side as your dh's ex. She is so hurt by the ex that she can't stand the thought of him trying all of a sudden being a father. Ex messed up A LOT and now he has another kid he tries to have a relationship with his daughter but it isn't going well cause he still has to give priority to the new baby etc. So I'm afraid her daughter will grow up also not being happy with anything her dad does. .. hope your step daughter realizes on her own that you have been trying to be a family. Big hugs
    Yeah. That is sad. I would understand if that was the case too. No... DH's EX hates him and always has. She told him that she never loved him and just married him to mess with him. She cheated on him with almost all of his friends (not his friends anymore), cheated on him in other more permanent ways that everyone/anyone can get proof of (if you know what I mean), was abusive mentally, emotionally and physically. She basically tortured him. What friends he still has from that time told me what a monster she was. The really sick thing... she thought it was fun. She got off on making his life a living hell and used their daughter to further mess with him. She was never for a second hurt by DH or his involvement. She just loved the power play. I knew her. DH and I have been together 17 years now. Our relationship started about 2 years after their relationship ended. So I was there to see the EX use DD as a tool. Then when she took her away things just got worse. I would hold DH at night while he cried and cried. I don't think people should use children like this. His situation was/is extreme. But even if you are just hurt by the end of a relationship I don't think it is right to use the kids as pawns. If the parent is capable and loving that should be enough to let them continue or reestablish a relationship. We will always have open arms for her. But she is an adult now. She probably will never come around to us or if she does it will be years and years latter again. We are missing out on her who life because DH's EX finds enjoyment in making his life hell. We missed out on her childhood... and now we are missing out on her adult years.

    I really hate it. But as sad as it is DDI is the product of her mother. So over the past year as we got to know her it was harder and harder to relate to her. But we love her and try anyway. She is blood. Well all of our effort was unmatched and unwanted. DH feels sad, disappointed and like he wasted all that time caring, and hurting over someone that couldn't care less. There are several other things she does and says that are just plain shocking to both of us. Just Sad really. We still hope in time she will mature more and come around. Being only 20 she has a lot to learn.
    Mariah (35) and DH (40) BFP 8/12/13! Baby Kayla is here! Praying for all the APA girls .

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    Such a tough situation. I would try and let go but leave the door open so if she wished she could get back. And let her know that you won't bother her but if she has a change of heart you will be there for her.
    Miss T (10.17.2008) Miss A(06.30.2012) Flipper #3 due 06.2014
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheeksy View Post
    Such a tough situation. I would try and let go but leave the door open so if she wished she could get back. And let her know that you won't bother her but if she has a change of heart you will be there for her.
    Thank you. That is pretty much what I did. DH is to upset to even write to her. Understandably. He has lost so much in the past 7 months. I am doing what I can for him. He puts on such a good face, but I know it tares him up inside.
    Mariah (35) and DH (40) BFP 8/12/13! Baby Kayla is here! Praying for all the APA girls .

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    dble post
    Last edited by mariahpoo2; 02-21-2014 at 09:13 AM.
    Mariah (35) and DH (40) BFP 8/12/13! Baby Kayla is here! Praying for all the APA girls .

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    Quote Originally Posted by cheeksy View Post
    Such a tough situation. I would try and let go but leave the door open so if she wished she could get back. And let her know that you won't bother her but if she has a change of heart you will be there for her.
    I agree. I think that is great advice

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheeksy View Post
    Such a tough situation. I would try and let go but leave the door open so if she wished she could get back. And let her know that you won't bother her but if she has a change of heart you will be there for her.
    I agree. I think that is great advice

  10. #10
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    Miss T (10.17.2008) Miss A(06.30.2012) Flipper #3 due 06.2014
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