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Thread: To those that have experienced late pregnancy loss...

  1. #1
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    Default To those that have experienced late pregnancy loss...

    I have a kind of sensitive question.

    This is my second pregnancy. My first was stillborn at 7 months. A little girl, Amaya, that I had to (knowing she had already passed) deliver anyway. Even though she isn't here, she is still my daughter & still my first born. However, when people ask me if this is my first child I feel unsure how to answer. I don't like to tell people my whole story but at the same time I don't want to ever deny her or that she was here. If I simply say no, people inevitable follow up with "How old is your other child" or "I didn't know you had a kid" or something to that degree that prompts more information. I've even said "No, this is my second pregnancy but... (and then I stall at) this will be my first child(?)...". I just don't know what to say. I'm either giving too much information for just a passing conversation or short answers and I'm dreading anything further discussion because I am so emotional this go-a-round.

    I know it's a tender subject because I'm in tears as I write it but if anyone with similar experience can share how they handle this situation I would appreciate it.

    Also I am finding, not that I want to "move on" but that I want to focus on this pregnancy in a more positive way and if I am being asked about Amaya, well.. it brings me down. I know my blood pressure raises too. I cry at the slightest thing now and when something that has a personal meaning to me comes up I am even more emotional! I'm trying my best to be healthy (mentally and physically) with this baby but it's hard to escape this mindset.

    One more thing is that the "every pregnancy is different" topic. I can relate because both my pregnancies are so different and I do have thoughts and want to discuss that but if I jump into a conversation like that then we are back to the questions about my other child... ugh... I just don't know where that balance is. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind over it.

    Can anyone offer some help please!?
    Me: Heather {28}, DH: Tahee {30}, & Baby Boy: Carter {born July 2, 2014}... makes three

  2. #2
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    3andMe is offline Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks? Hopelessly Devoted
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    I would suggest thinking about your audience. I came across that a lot after my first child died shortly after birth, and then in subsequent pregnancies and births I didn't want to have to discuss the whole thing with every random sales clerk or waitress who asked about my pregnancy. Plus, it wasn't fair to them when they were trying to be friendly and chatty and interested for me to drop a big unpleasant bomb on them. It's like choosing to say, "Fine thanks, and you?" to random strangers and acquaintances instead of "Awful, because my baby just died."

    With people I was closer with, or people I would feel comfortable crying in front of, or with people who had the time to stop and talk with me and were not just asking out of politeness, then I would feel better equipped to give more complete answers. And sometimes the level of disclosure would shift as I spent more time talking to someone. I tend to be fairly private (considering how much I talk on APA), though, and I like to err on the side of not sharing as much.

    For quick answers, it's always possible to say, "It's complicated," or "This is my second pregnancy," which leaves room for a thinking person to realize that more is going on than just a first-time mom.

    And, I'm sorry about your loss.


  3. #3
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    Thank you for sharing. I understand what you are saying. I think where I get torn on that matter is that I work at a school/salon. Random clients don't much inquire but we have our regulars or especially the students that I am with all the time. I don't mind sharing the information with them but it's just how to talk about it. Especially how to do so without getting so emotional. I hate when I get teary eyed and then they feel like THEY have upset me (or furthermore, like they can't talk to me about this pregnancy without upsetting me again). I suppose I could, as you suggested, judge the conversation as to whether they are asking to be polite or genuinely interested in the pregnancy. Thank you again for sharing and I am also sorry for your loss.

    SN: I am so grateful for this site. I don't feel like there is anywhere else that I can ask all my questions to, particularly those like this one. I really, truly appreciate your response.
    Me: Heather {28}, DH: Tahee {30}, & Baby Boy: Carter {born July 2, 2014}... makes three

  4. #4
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    Thank you for sharing ladies...

    it is nice to know additional advice to pass on. I have miscarried two times-a quadruplets pregnancy and a singleton
    at the end of my first trimester. APA has helped me validate these babies who didn't make it. My 5 year old asked me the other day how she will recognize them in heaven and I told her probably Jesus will introduce us to them...

    I am sorry for your losses... I think that a still birth would be more emotionally painful...

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