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Thread: Upset :(

  1. #1
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    Default Upset :(

    I'm so upset this afternoon. I got a call from our SW saying that bio dad wants to see baby girl after all. I'm just not sure what to make of it, and obviously a lot of other stuff is going on in our lives right now so it's not the only thing making me nuts but it just seems weird. I'm so afraid he'll decide he wants to parent and take my baby girl away. I don't think he's capable of parenting and he told the judge he wasn't capable of it right before he said he wanted to see her so I'm hoping him wanting to see her is unrelated to his decision. I'm just so sick of the foster roller coaster. We won't be doing this again. It's just too much to continue on like this for so long. The though of losing this baby now just makes me want to go to bed and not get up again. Knowing anything can happen ahead of time doesn't change anything. You still fall hard and feel like they're your children anyway. And every little thing still catches you off guard. Just had to vent a little.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  2. #2
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    Oh Leah !! I can't even imagine! Praying, praying, praying for you, dh, and baby girl!!!

    Ds's bmom decided she wanted do visits when ds was 9months old. She came for two visits...the only two times she ever saw him after leaving the hospital. I think sometimes the bparents will idealize being able to parent but the visits bring home reality and they pull away again. Even the commitment to do visitation is too much and they won't show.

    I can't say I blame you for not wanting to do this again but I think...and I really believe this...that this is going to end very well for you ! Hang in there Leah (((huge hugs)))!!!
    Dh (39) Me (37) 8bio 1adopted, 14 angels






  3. #3
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    Natalie [31] DH [40] 9/01, 1/06 NaturallyNatalie's Hair Accessories!

  4. #4
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    Our biodad would decide he wants visit and do two and then no show for 4 and then do one more and not show again. It's truly maddening.
    Julie, DH: W, DS: Mason, GGB Trips Amelia, Ellanor & Noah
    FFS "Baby C" disrupted fost/adopt of sibs Q,Z,J & K 9/10-3/11

  5. #5
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    Maybe he just wants to see her to say goodbye in a way, maybe for some closure. I hope that's the case. Thinking of you Leah!

  6. #6
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    Thank you all! I really appreciate the support!

    Quote Originally Posted by As Is View Post
    Our biodad would decide he wants visit and do two and then no show for 4 and then do one more and not show again. It's truly maddening.
    He hasn't set up regular visits of any kind. As it stands right now, this is a one time visit so I'm hoping he won't try to continue them. Baby girl is going to be scared to death of him as it is.

    Quote Originally Posted by kmrk336 View Post
    Maybe he just wants to see her to say goodbye in a way, maybe for some closure. I hope that's the case. Thinking of you Leah!
    This is my hope too. I mean he saw her once at the DNA test before he knew he was the dad and other than that has never seen her or even shown any interest in seeing her. Could be curiosity too. I hope he gets a reality check either way.

    There's just no end to surprises in foster care.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  7. #7
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    My aunt had to do some visits and in the end she decided that she couldn't parent and signed away willingly. I will say one thing my aunt did was try to make sure he was not well rested and due for a nap so he was not so cute and crying. Plus he ws about the same age as baby girl and they only want who they know. It's one to think about wanting to see a cute happy baby....another thing when they are crying and really don't want anything to do with you. In his case and baby girls....the best thing for them was and is to stay with the foster/adoptive family.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  8. #8
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    I wish dad would just be done with it already and sign away his rights. It's like a game to him. Like he wants to use it to make himself look like a better man when, in reality, the best thing he could do is walk away right now. If he wants to have a relationship later when he's grown up a bit (if that could happen) that's one thing, but acting like he wants to bond or something now when she's already 8 months old and he's basically given up is another...I don't get it. I'm so sick of jumping through these hoops tonight. I'm just mad about it and I can't stop being mad and annoyed with the whole process. I just hope the visit really isn't a big deal and that I'm just overreacting or something...it's entirely possible that I am but at this point losing her would be beyond devastating for all of us. Moving her now will only hurt her and of course I want to protect her all I can so...yeah...mamma bear is coming out I guess.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  9. #9
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    I kinda agree with Jennifer, no reason to make the visit into an idyllic scenario of what having a LO is like. Especially since it sounds like he has no clue what it means to be a parent.

    I wish there was some way we could comfort you and ease your fears.
    Natalie [31] DH [40] 9/01, 1/06 NaturallyNatalie's Hair Accessories!

  10. #10
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    I sure hope it goes in your favor.

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  12. #12

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    ugh, Leah.
    Mommy to Lilliana (10/2006) & Summer (10/2011)!




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  14. #14

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    I just want to say thank you for sharing your experience with all of us here. I've never had any experience with the foster system, and reading along with your story has made me both sad and happy.

    I hope that the biodad realizes that he needs to say goodbye for the good of baby girl. And I think cosmosmom has a good suggestion. Make sure she's tired and hungry and cranky when he sees her. That may seem kind of sneaky or underhanded, but the fact is that if he were to parent her, he'd have to deal with her tired and hungry and cranky. And I'm betting that won't seem like such a great thing once he sees what it's really like.



  15. #15
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    Thank you all so much! We had a visit from our SW Friday and when I asked her about it, she said that dad just wanted to see her one time and only wanted to set up the one visit. So it's definitely not as bad as I thought...I think. Looks like it's just a one time thing for him to see her and verify for himself that she's okay. Hopefully it doesn't turn into anything else, but knowing biodad I doubt that. I don't think I'll have to work for her to be cranky...she does not like afternoons. She's getting ready to wind down for the day and she's almost always in a terrible mood anyway so she won't be super happy. Plus she's teething like mad and hasn't slept in days poor baby. I'll update after the visit tomorrow. I'm really hoping tomorrow goes smoothly and is over and done with very quickly.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  16. #16

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    Good luck tomorrow!


    Anne (37) DH (37) Olivia (4) Harrison (1)

  17. #17

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    Good luck!!



  18. #18

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    Good luck!


    2/09 6/09 4/14

  19. #19
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    Thinking of you today and hoping that it's just a one time thing.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  20. #20

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    Thinking about you today.
    Dorcas (35) DH (36) 3/13



  21. #21
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    Thank you everyone! The visit was no big deal. Dad was on time but got the heck out of there when it was over. We stayed and talked to the SW a bit who still says she doesn't think dad plans to pursue anything at all but just plans to just see her while he can. I think he may want another visit. He said he did but nothing is scheduled. He mentioned his mom would like to see her and that worries me a little since his mom is his only chance of getting her but my understanding is that his mom isn't wanting to go through this again with his 4th child after taking care of/paying for all of his other children. I am glad that if we get to adopt her we can tell her that her dad at least took an interest in her and didn't totally abandon her. It's nice to have positive things to say about both parents to her when she's older and needs to hear them.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  22. #22

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    I'm glad the visit went well. I hope they all realize how happy and loved baby girl is with you not to pursue anything.

    Ps. How are you feeling?

  23. #23
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    That sounded like it was a decent visit. How would you feel about some openess with dad's family?

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  24. #24
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    As today is my 40th adoption day, I want to say you're doing a great job. My adoption was closed and the birth father never knew he had a child. My birth mother was too young and really believe a baby needed 2 parents and that I will always be thankful for. Good luck on this journey. I have been following your story and it is inspiring.
    Phoebe Grace 6-22-11; 37.5" and 26.2# at 2 years old! She is my wild child!
    Me & Geoff, 40; DD Phoebe, our June Bug

  25. #25
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    Thanks all!

    I'm feeling okay. Just a little annoyed with the situation. I mean the visit went well but I don't really get it. Dad said he'd call the social worker by this past Friday though to set up another and I haven't heard a word. Last time she called like Thursday or Friday and the visit was set for Tuesday. I haven't heard a word out of her this week so I doubt it'll be this week if he calls at all.

    I don't want to be open with his family really. The only person available who might be okay is his mom and I don't know since I haven't met her yet. Problem is, he lives with her, so I don't see how I could have contact with her and not him. He doesn't sound so bad or even seem it from how he's been lately but he has a violent record. He's been in numerous times for assault and battery, once with a deadly weapon, once with intent to harm or kill, and once for unlawful wounding...so he did actually hurt someone with a weapon. He's also been in for stalking. Seems to me someone with this kind of history is not a good person to be around baby girl. We even parked a ways away from the meeting spot because we didn't want him to know what we drove and potentially follow us home or see us out somewhere and follow us...small town.

    He's been okay with us so far but it's obvious he's been just saying what people wanna hear for years and that's how he gets by. He comes across as not such a bad guy and he probably isn't really but when he's drinking or doing drugs or whatever it seems like he's a pretty scary guy. I just don't feel I could have openness in good conscience with him. I feel it would put baby girl in potential danger.

    Now we plan to have some openness with one of her siblings. He's a good kid and his grandma has been supportive of us and of her and they're a little flakey sometimes but I believe she has baby girl's best interest at heart. As long as it's safe, I don't see why not you know?
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  26. #26

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    If you live in a small town, and her other siblings live in that same town, making sure she knows who they are is kind of important as she gets older. My adopted brother had sisters/brothers that he had never met or seen living in the same small town until my mother found a picture that he had of him and his sister hanging out together in a suspiciously 'friendly' kind of way. He was 13 or 14 at the time.

  27. #27
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    I'm fine with her knowing her siblings. None of the siblings are with either parent so that wouldn't really interfere with her separation from her bio parents. Thankfully none of her brothers and sister are really close in age. She's got one brother that's 3. That's the youngest one and he looks just like her. We've met him though and know his name and everything. He's with his dad who really has no connection to all of this so I'm not sure if we could establish a relationship...kind of depends on him, but we want to with the others if we can. Right now there's only one trying to see her and he's 13 now. I'm not sure if our town is THAT small but it's small enough to be a concern I think with stalkers for bios.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  28. #28
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    Hi Leah....just wondering on things have been going with you and baby girl.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  29. #29

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    Me too, I check the adoption forum every day waiting for an update.
    Mommy to Lilliana (10/2006) & Summer (10/2011)!




  30. #30

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lillismom View Post
    Me too, I check the adoption forum every day waiting for an update.
    Ditto!

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