I wrote a post in December dd an I guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to. So I'm gonna post it here if you don't mind. It's really long. Don't blame you if you don't wanna get through the whole thing. But here goes.
I'm not sure if I'm experiencing some type of depression, I've never been depressed before. But I think that's contributing to all my sleepiness. I feel like I wanna just take a step back from everyone and everything and curl in bed and cry. DH an I have been arguing a lot more than usual. And it's because of me. He started to make these side comments like "well you have to do SOMETHING around here" and it really really hurts. He's never acted like this. We don't say hurtful things to each other. It all started bc this morning I was soooo tired. Adriana was up a lot last night and DH never wakes up with any of the kids. And I don't mind that- I usually love waking up with them. But bc I'm so tired, it just was hard this morning. I asked DH if he could please get Adriana and put her in her walker. Dd1 was up and they play together all the time. If I put her in, she'll scream for me. Separation anxiety big time. Could he do that for me? Of course not. So I got up and did it. And excuse me if I vent in my own house, but he just lost it. Was talking crap to me and slamming doors. He's the one who's tired bc he plays stupid video games all night. I'm tired bc I wake up with babies.
I'm going through a very rough time. An this morning was extremely tough. For the first time in our relationship I actually thought, wow if I wanted to just leave, I'd have no where to go. I can't go to my parents house-my mom is on her own trip right now with drugs and God knows what else. I have no brothers. No sisters. My only one, my Omsi, is gone. I literally have no one. And I was just crying and crying. I miss her so much. I can just cry at the drop of a dime.
I'm hating how this pregnancy is making me feel. Think. Act-or lack of in DHs eyes. I'm just gonna be honest, but I feel like if I didn't get pregnant, everything would be okay. I'd be more energized, more equipped, more helpful. Able to do things around the house. Not be so grouchy and moody. Not so emotional. DH and I wouldn't be fighting so much. I feel like it's making me view my pregnancy in a negative way. I don't feel this way all the time, which is why I don't know if I'm depressed or not. Pretty sure ill be getting ppd after giving birth too. I just don't wanna deal with this. With everything. And I'm tired of being blamed and looked down upon for something I can't help.
I'm sorry I just needed to get that out. I literally have no one when DH and I fight. And it's hard to battle these feelings when I'm the only one here. Thanks for listening.