This is my ramblings and may be sporadic...
It's almost time to really allow myself to say good bye to my little one that I lost in March. I have not been able to think to myself 'it's time to close this book and move on.' I think once I start AF and start a new cycle I will be able to say that to myself but I think it's time to really begin healing and forgetting about my LO. I still cry to this day when my song comes on, 'Every Storm Runs out of Rain' by Gary Allen. It's my sound track to my struggles. There is the light at the end of the tunnel and it's coming I can feel it.
It's time to get real about this whole thing. Infertility is such a secret and such a monster that so many of us hold back. My DH and I have such a beautiful life, a cape cod style home with 14 acres just outside two large cities, two horses, three dogs, a large family that loves us dearly, two brand new cars and we just had a dreamy second honeymoon, we have beautiful and nice things in our home, 60'' wall mounted TV, just bought a $9,000 John Deere tractor, brand new four wheeler, an income level that is just a tad under $100,000 which in our area $50,000 is a very nice income so we are well endowed you could say. But all these beautiful things are just things. We want a baby, we want a stained carpet or crayon marks on the walls, we want to be running ragged and up all night, barely getting any sleep and never having a chance to even use the four wheeler or fancy new tractor. We want the hell people go through when they have a baby. We are ready, so ready. DH works doubles at his prison and is gone Friday and Saturday, leaving me to be with the baby and up all night if I need to be and then comes home at midnight on Saturday, leaving him to sleep sunday and then from there on out he would get up with the baby and I'd sleep while I worked Mon-Fri, 8-5. We have such a wonderful partnership and wonderful plan laid out.
We have a new cycle planned and it's going to be hard with the new job but they seem to be very nice with allowing me to be 10-15mins late on some days, with the Ovarian Drilling the doc says it should only be a week of injections which is better than the 2wks last time. With that it also means on 3 US and BW rather than 6 US and BW visits. Meaning I would only be late for work Monday, Weds and Fri. barely enough to even be noticed and on Weds I am alone in my office so I won't be feeling rushed to get there on time because no one will know how late I came in, even though I would still stay late to be fair and make up the time. Sometimes I think to myself that things would have been so much better for me if I'd stayed pregnant, if only I was still pregnant I won't be worried about the shots or visits or US's. It would have been so much better if only I'd stayed Pregnant. If only... But I can't do that anymore, I won't do that anymore. I WILL MOVE ON!!! This can not trap me anymore. I don't deserve to feel this way, I didn't ask for this, I didn't. I made mistakes but nothing I did caused this, Yes I went out and brushed the horses that morning and I picked up some trash int he yard but you know what? That didn't cause my baby to die... It was on it's way down hill. Instead I probably helped the process a bit if anything. I would have stayed on those meds and stayed on eggshells for week after that trying to help the pregnancy that I was bound to loose anyway. I would have gone to the US that following week and saw a heartbeat and told the family and lost it just days later. Instead I saved myself so much heartache, so much pain and so much devastation by brushing those horses that day. Nothing I did made me lose my baby, It isn't that I am 'not meant to be a mother' it's because God's plan was not in stone yet. Losing this baby made me such a more kind, caring and thankful person. My friend has no idea how lucky she is that she never felt the pain or worries of the first 12wks. If anyone had to have this happen to them I would take this all over again because I KNOW I can take this pain. I am down but not out and will not take no for an answer. My arms will hold my baby one day, I can guarantee you that, I don't know when or how but it will happen. I WILL BE A MOTHER! I will not let this miscarriage drag all my special moments down again. I will be celebrating my one year anniversary tomorrow with my DH who loves me more than the world will ever know. I will not think of how wonderful it would have been to be complaining about how uncomfortable I was with a large pregnant belly, instead I will cherish my last anniversary without a baby because next year we will be too busy chasing a LO to plan a large BBQ.
I WILL NOT LET YOU DRAG ME DOWN ANYMORE!! I am repeating this out loud and forcing my brain to think, "I WILL MOVE ON" It is time to close that MC out of my life and move on, it's been a little over 2mos, it is time to get over this. I know I can put this behind me. I have lost my beloved grandma 'Nana'; my first horse Windy, Our dog Greta, so much more devastation and I know that I can get over this. My Nana is holding that baby in heaven and will love that baby so much until I am ready to join them someday. If there is anyone I trust with my baby it's Nana. I often think maybe I should see a Medium to see if they tell me Nana has my baby but then why would I need that? I know Nana would take that baby in an instant and I know she is up there watching me so why would I second guess that she took my baby and is caring for it until I can join them? Why would I second guess that?
I am so ready for this cycle to start and I think once it does I will be able to move on and get this weight off my shoulders. I will be making a pact to try from this time on to make sure I try to get over this, a real effort, starting with the US picture of my baby that I have kept in my dresser drawer all this time. I will be throwing it out first thing in the morning. I will be ripping it apart and throwing it away and burning the trash. This has GOT to stop! I will move on, I have to... It's time.