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Thread: My Daughter is a Mean Girl :(

  1. #1

    Default My Daughter is a Mean Girl :(

    I was wondering if anyone had any advice?

    I was pulled aside by the Director of my daughter's daycare and was told that she and 3 other girls have formed a little clique that does not include the only other girl in the class. These 4 girls don't let this girl play with them for various reasons, "she doesn't have an american girl doll" (neither does my daughter) "she has a boy's hair cut" (it is shorter than all the other girls but not short by any stretch of the imagination".

    This morning when we were talking she asked if the three other girls could come to our house to play when I asked about the left out girls she said "fine she can come" with an attitude. I asked her again what the problem was and "I just need space from xxxxxxx" with no REAL reason.

    I am so sad this other girl is the nicest little girl. She is always so happy, nothing bothers her, just goes along with the flow kind of kid. The other 4 are emotional drama queens (yeah...I said it my daughter is an over emotional drama queen )

    I asked DD how she would feel if she was the other girl and her friends didn't include her and she started to cry and said she would feel bad. I also made her apologize to the girl and write her an apology note.

    I just don't know what to do, I am so saddend by this and was wondering if anyone had any tips for me or any books they could direct me to.

    Unfortunatly, we had her 5yr check on Friday and I didn't find out until Tuesday...I would have brought it up to the pedi had a known


  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Toeing the edge between sanity and insanity


    Check out the book "Little Girls Can Be Mean 4 Steps to Bully-Proof Girls in the Early Grades".

    My older daughter is a follower. We are working on her understanding that going along with what her two dominant bullying friends say is akin to her voicing what they are voicing. Unfortunately Scharae is the general target of these two girls which sucks because A)she doesn't understand she's being bullied. She's very agreeable and doesn't get ruffled by much, but that doesn't make it ok for her to be a target. And B)when she does clue in that she's being excluded she sees it coming from her sister and that doesn't work for our family dynamic. It's unacceptable for that to happen at home and she knows it and knows Keira knows it but hasn't figured out that its coming from these other two girls and her sister just isn't sticking up for her. So we are working on it from both ends-helping Keira understand the implications of both her and her two friends' actions and Scharae understanding how to handle what is comin from her sisters.

    I just got the book from the library at the suggestion of our pedi and am hoping to find good ideas and pass along to the 1/2 grade teachers at the school.

    All that said, your daughter is at the age where this is 100% normal, as unfortunate as it is. One thing our kindergarten teacher did was not allow "clubs" as such during free play time. She tried hard not to put restrictions on their play but that was a hard fast rule for boys and girls. Keira had 4 girls in her kinder and a Scharae had 5 and any clubs/groups that were specifically excluding other kids for any criteria were broken up. The other kids were free to choose not to play all together based on if they wanted to play with the group or not, but the group was not allowed to say "only girls/boys/blonde hair/certain dolls/etc". And I think that's a good place to start.

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  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2009


    The daycare should definitely be doing something about this. The one thing I would do in your shoes is to have playdates for your daughter, only with the girl who is being excluded. Explain to her why it is important. She might find that she likes her a whole lot, and it might lead to less exclusionary behavior outside the home.

  4. #4


    The daycare I know in the past has tried pairing and seperating the girls into different groups but they all end up together during free play time. This is a small pre-k group and with everyone going different days I think it is virtually impossible to keep the kids apart for long

    Thank you for the suggestion on the book I will certainly look into it.

    I never expected this at such a young age...

    If anyone else has any suggestions I am open for more...Thank you!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2006


    My daughter is in K and is always talking about clubs. I keep asking her if she includes everyone if the boys are allowed to play in their club, etc. I would just keep talking to her about how it would feel to be left out and what she can do to be nice to this girl even when the others aren't. Role play some things she can say to the other 3 girls when they are playing to include the other girl. I found out in my DD's K class is that one girl was being "left out" of at their after care program at school (my DD does not attend this). I was also surprised because the way my DD talks they all get along well. I've also hear that with girls when there is an odd number someone always ends up getting left out because the girls tend to pair up... not sure if there is a way to deal with this. We have lots of dinner conversations about things like this. I'm going to check out that book too.
    Growing fast... DD1 (6) & DD2 (4)
    Forever loved, forever missed... Twin Girls with us for 19w3d 6/12/06

  6. #6


    I also think the daycare needs to step it up to preventing this behavior. I would just keep on and on your daughter about treating others with kindness and respect. We aren't all going to like everyone, that's a fact of life but treating others bad isn't ever ok. And I also like the approach of "how would you feel" but that can be hard to understand until you've felt it. But I think the daycare needs to do a lot of talking and watching and taking steps to help the girls stop being so exclusive.

    I have two opposite kiddos. One who has been left out of a three year old preschool classroom. I thought my daughter was being silly until I talked to the teacher. SHe said yep, they leave her out. We are trying to help but it is happening. One thing she said is that at this age kids don't know how to say "I don't want to play xyz" so they say "i don't want to play with you". We just told her to find a friend who was going play with her so she would stop playing with these girls. It worked and everything went better. If your daughter is saying "we don't want to play with her bc she doesn't have an american girl doll ETC" then I would tell MY child "now you don't either". I would take these possessions away that are making them feel "better than" another child. EVen if they are just saying it. But that's just me.

    I have another child who IS like this. We work really really really hard at telling her how kind her heart is and helping her make kind choices towards others. She was once left out and saw how bad it made her feel. It was sad that she was being left out but it was also a really great opportunity to teach her how this makes othes feel. WHile I hugged her and wiped her tears I also said , see how sad you are? this is how you made ____ feel. I know you didn't know or mean to but now you know that it hurts your heart so lets not treat others that way. " Being able to experience that pain is sometimes the best way to stop it . We do little devotionals from the bible that are really great about showing how we are to treat others.

    Hugs to you though, I've been on both sides and neither side is easy or fun. You don't waant the "mean" kid and you don't want your child being left out. These lessons are never easy. But it's a good thing that you see this and want to fix it. Just stay on top of it and look for opportunities to teach her a better way of treating others.

    OHHHH and another good way to help them be more humble to straight up make them apologize to the person (and maybe even to the childs parent! Sorry I said xyz to ___) If you heard that she said something ugly to this friend (or anyone) make her go right up to the child and ask for forgiveness. I know my daughter has thought twice about making a bad choice because she knows there will be consequences. Plus, it's a great lesson to learn. If you hurt someone you apologize. I don't think people do that enough with their kids in our generation.

    Last edited by hanvan2; 05-18-2013 at 10:42 AM.

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