I'm a wreck tonight. I feel like I can't do anything...or rather like I can't stop trying to do everything in order to keep my mind off of court tomorrow. Of course my thought process is just going in a constant loop. I tell myself there's a good chance things could change dramatically and she could go with dad or someone in dad's family soon, and then I tell myself that the GAL said he wanted to move towards permanency and that the CASA and SW have said that would have a problem with whoever the dad was knowing they took advantage of mom. And then I remember that mom said she doesn't want baby girl anywhere near the dad or his family because they're bad people. But then I tell myself that mom isn't in her right mind so who knows if there's any truth to all the bad stuff she's said about him (and it's bad) and I think that just because he's bad news (if he is) doesn't mean his family is. Then I think about the last visit and how everyone at DSS acted like it was the last time they'd ever see us and came out and hugged me and hugged baby girl and that was weird though I got no explanations about that. I've learned not to bother asking with DSS. And then once I've gone over and over that in my head, I get nervous about seeing mom again. She scared the crap out of me the last time I saw her, and all reports say she is doing much worse than she was then. Part of me hopes she doesn't show up because I'm so scared to run into her and to have to try to deal with that. They told me if she talks to me not to bring up baby girl at all...but duh baby girl is the only thing we have in common so if she talks to me she's going to ask. They told me just to say she's doing great and we're taking good care of her. But she always wants details about what she's doing now and how she eats, etc. I'm scared just anything could set her off and I'll be the one who did it AGAIN.

It all ends with me telling myself yet again that I have no control over what happens and trying to think about it from a logical stand point and not an emotional one. I am getting better at doing that but it only lasts so long before the loops starts again. At least tomorrow this court date will be over...whatever happens. That wait will be over and we'll have some answers and probably something to deal with. At least we'll know what comes next, or have a better idea of what's coming next anyway. Okay rant over. And yes this is what it's like inside my head all the time. It's exhausting. Lol.