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Thread: Jusdgemental people and large families (vent and advice)

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    Unhappy Jusdgemental people and large families (vent and advice)

    I know there are at least a few other mommas on here with what most would consider big (or even HUGE) families. How do you deal with judgmental people and their big mouths? I can't be the only one going through this. I'm one of 5. DH's bio dad was one of 11, the guy that helped raise DH was one of 7, DHs step-dad is one of 9, DH's mom is 1 of 6.. Where we were from it wasn't usual to see families of 6-12 kids. Even still, by the time we announced our 3rd pregnancy we started getting more negative comments and questions than anything else. By this pregnancy I didn't even want to tell anyone about the baby which makes me feel a little guilty. It's not that I don't want the baby because I do - we are thrilled to have another one on the way. I just don't want to hear what people think anymore because so few have anything nice to say.

    Almost 3 years ago we moved 9 hours away from our home area. We have one family here that we are very close to who are super excited for us. I told them about the baby almost as soon as we found out even though we didn't tell most people till just a couple weeks ago (almost 12wks pg). The mom (M), who is about 14 years older than me and has grown children in addition to the ones that are close to my kids' age, knew I was reluctant to tell people because I was concerned how the news would be taken. I had hoped it would be different this time because we decided this year to start home schooling. The kids are in 2 different groups with M's kids and there are several families with more than 2-3 kids in both. I think the largest has 8 or 9 even. I'm starting to think my hope was misplaced though. After we started telling more people I would often over hear M telling people about the baby which didn't seem odd. Their whole family (even extended family) has kind of adopted us since we are so far from our own families. Her older sons with with my husband and we spend time together pretty much every week. Despite our difference in age we have a lot in common and she's become my best friend here. What did seem odd to me was that no one really seemed to come say anything to me - not even congratulations most of the time. Well this week M's kids were sick so we ended up at the Monday group without them and I now know why. Turns out M was running interference for me even more than I thought. She had been selectively telling people that she knew would give me grief and answering all the questions I didn't want to hear then basically telling people to leave me alone if they couldn't be nice. I know that now because as soon as she wasn't there I got jumped on. All the typical questions - "Do you realize your youngest just turned a year old and you were pregnant again before that?" "Are you aware this will mean you'll have 5 kids in 6 years?" "Are you almost done now?" "What are you going to do with another baby?" "Do you know how this keeps happening?" "How do you even have time to make another baby?" "Do you REALLY think you can give them all the attention they really need?" "Do you know what this will do to your body if you keep it up?" "How will you afford this?" "What kind of birth control are you using? You might want to consider using something more effective." "Was this one an accident?" "Is it even exciting anymore?" "Are you going to keep it?/Have you considered adoption?" "When do you get your 'me' time?" "Does this mean you're finally going to wean the ones you're still nursing?" "Do you want us to each take one or two of the others for a while?" "How are you going to handle them all? I couldn't even handle my (2or3) and they were way more spread out than yours." I guess it just hit me harder because I thought I might be mostly in the clear there. It was all from "typical family" moms (you may know some, the ones with 2 or 3 kids that believe they are the epitome of the true American family and everyone should be just like them) and it has been my experience that the more you try to reason, argue, or justify with them the more aggressive they get about what a terrible mistake I've made. I have a horrendous temper which I can mostly control, but I know better than to force situations like this because it usually ends in me burning bridges by I say things people don't want to hear. The co-op activities are good for my kids and I really don't want to have to pull them out over this. When I did finally manage to ask them why they suddenly cared they basically told me the only reason they hadn't tried to 'help' me sooner was because M told (or more likely politely threatened ) them not to talk to me but since she wasn't there they were compelled to make an effort on my behalf. I was torn between really sad and really angry. After I became amazingly involved with what my kids were doing and had no time to talk to anyone else till we left. I was texting with M today (haven't told her what all happened Monday yet, just that it was a rough day) and told her I didn't know if I was coming to the Friday group because I was fed up with people and their opinions. She said she could understand and that it was probably best not to talk to anyone at our church about it just yet either. I don't know what's going on there, but after this I'm not sure I want to. Especially since this is all in addition to 2 of my sisters being angry at me right now too.

    I have heard some positive things that didn't seem scripted/fake from my mom, M, and a few other close friends but the negativity is a little (well, a lot, actually) overwhelming sometimes. How do you deal with it? Do you try to justify it? Do you walk away? Do you just not tell people? Honestly, I just want to hide from the world right now so DH, the kids, and I can be happy and nobody can ruin it for us. I know I shouldn't let people bother me so much but I can't help it. Does it ever get any better?




  2. #2

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    Some people just suck. I feel like I'm going to be hearing that this time around (newly pregnant with my 4th) so we haven't told anybody yet besides my mother. Plus, our baby is only 8 months so.... We are doing fine with 3 to tell you the truth and most of my days are very easy. I feel like we can handle another no problem. I don't see how people can place judgement on you if your physically and financially able to take care of your kids. I am having so much fun with my babies and wish I could stop the hands of time. Your kids are going to have so many great memories of growing up with all of their brothers and sisters. I feel bad that everyone was jumping down your throat all at once, especially with you being pregnant and hormonal/emotional. I would have had your back! Maybe these women would like to have more kids but their husbands don't... Maybe they are having a difficult time raising 2 while you can handle more... Maybe you have amazing/ sweet/ funny/ loving babies and their kids are little snots lol J/K. You just never know ya know? People who are happy with their own lives and family typically don't judge what other people are doing with theirs. If they keep on talking smack I would either stop being around them or give them a taste of their own medicine. Say something like "I guess I'm just lucky that my kids are so easy and my husband is such a great help". I feel you I really do.
    mom of 2 girls and 2 boys... 6,4,2, and 8 months

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    I am so sorry It is nobodys business

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    Quote Originally Posted by MissKerri View Post
    Some people just suck. I feel like I'm going to be hearing that this time around (newly pregnant with my 4th) so we haven't told anybody yet besides my mother. Plus, our baby is only 8 months so.... We are doing fine with 3 to tell you the truth and most of my days are very easy. I feel like we can handle another no problem. I don't see how people can place judgement on you if your physically and financially able to take care of your kids. I am having so much fun with my babies and wish I could stop the hands of time. Your kids are going to have so many great memories of growing up with all of their brothers and sisters. I feel bad that everyone was jumping down your throat all at once, especially with you being pregnant and hormonal/emotional. I would have had your back! Maybe these women would like to have more kids but their husbands don't... Maybe they are having a difficult time raising 2 while you can handle more... Maybe you have amazing/ sweet/ funny/ loving babies and their kids are little snots lol J/K. You just never know ya know? People who are happy with their own lives and family typically don't judge what other people are doing with theirs. If they keep on talking smack I would either stop being around them or give them a taste of their own medicine. Say something like "I guess I'm just lucky that my kids are so easy and my husband is such a great help". I feel you I really do.
    I like that! I wish I could say things like this without losing control of my mouth. I know my temper and once it starts it's very hard for me to reign it back in.

    I know what you mean about people being judgmental because they're unhappy with their own lives. M told me this afternoon the part that finally made her mad about the whole thing is the people who were really happy for another mom at our church who just had her 3rd in under 4 years, but were upset that I was pg again. When she asked them what the difference was they said "well, she (the other mom) is Mexican and that's just what they do. But your friend (about me) should really know better." To me, that translates as Mexican's are too stupid to understand what their doing to themselves so we can just be happy for them to have as many babies as they want, but a college educated Caucasian should know better so we can and should criticize and judge her for anything more than 2. First of all let me say, classism and racism! I don't know the other mom very well although we've spoken briefly several times but I can say I feel really bad for her now too. What a patronizing way to view a person/group of people! I don't really understand people sometimes.




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    I say have as many gorgeous babies as you like!!! and to all the nay-sayers!

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


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    I feel you. No one in our real life knows that we plan to try again, and I am not looking forward to sharing the good news (hopefully we have some good news to share ;) .)
    I was still pregnant with the triplets when I started getting the "You're done now right?" and "1 boy and 2 girls, perfect, done in one shot" comments. Then when Jericho
    got here everyone would say "Now you have 2 of each, that is so perfect, you are done now right?"

    I don't know why people don't see that the size of someone else's family is none of their business, and not something you should comment on....I mean unless the current kids are not being taken care of. It really blows me away, just like how inappropriate it is ask if someone's kids are "natural" people really have no filter anymore.

    I'm sorry that you are getting all this, I think what I will be doing is taking their questions head on...answer, as snarky as I can be without being overly rude, then follow it up with a "why do you ask" and hope they get the hint that it is none of their da|\/|n business.
    Last edited by TripMomma; 04-04-2013 at 04:23 PM.

    ~*~Katrina~*~ Momma to Xander, Hayden & Lily (6) and Jericho (3 1/2)

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    I cannot believe people would say all that, and I can't believe you've had SO MANY negative comments! That is just crazy! Some people are cut out for having a bunch of kids! They just seem to be created for it. Others not so much. Personally, I can't see myself handling any more than 4 max, but other people could have a dozen and barely break a sweat. I don't see why anyone cares, so long as the kids are loved and cared for.

    I liked MissKerri's response. I also read on a blog a while back, someone who, when people said "Wow, you must have your hands full!" would say "Yes! Full of good things!"

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    I am pregnant with my 4th at age 40 and I work full time. My son just turned 4 and my twins are 22 months. I get a lot of comments as well although none quite as bad as what you get. I do get asked if this baby was planned or a surprise. The truth is that the baby is a surprise - I had to use clomid and IUI's to get pregnant the first two times. HOwever, we are absolutely thrilled to be having a 4th. We couldn't do fertility drugs again (placenta abruption with twins - I'm too high risk to carry multiples again), so we never thought we could have another child. I do tell some people that this baby is a surprise that we're very happy about depending on how well I know them. Others I just tell that we both wanted a large family. The questions do annoy me. I would have gone through the roof at the suggestion of adoption or a birth control failure. I think MissKerri had the best response and I also think tripmommas follow up question of why do you ask should also stop some of the questions.

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    Nicole... (((big big hugs))) momma! My heart goes out to you for sure !! I've received a lot of comments over the years but honestly, none that I felt were deliberately mean-spirited. My family ribbed me and/or expressed genuine concern with my first five or so but not so much now, lol, they've come to expect an announcement every 1-3yrs . I think it's harder for people to accept when the kids are all little but I've noticed quite a shift for the better in comments now that I'm older and have older kids.

    I'm cautious though with the information I share and with whom I share it with. IRL, I'm very general with what I tell most people and always portray life as it is overall...really, really good . I save specifics for people who I know care...there are very very few people whose shoulders are there for me and that's okay.

    Ultimately, I didn't have all of these amazing kiddos because I cared what people thought. If they support me, wonderful! If not, then what is that to me. If they can't tether their comments I laugh and smile...I know the truth...that it's not easy but the returns...wow...phenomenal!

    I think the saddest thing of all is how some people waste their existence criticizing and condemning others for choices that have nothing to do with them ...they must be the most miserable of all to find some morbid pleasure in their negativity and self-righteousness .

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! Just keep telling yourself the truth...your children are a blessing, you are a good momma, God's grace is sufficient, other people's negativity stems not from your choices but theirs. Don't let them rob you of your joy !

    Hang in there...praying for you !

    Eta...lol, and I don't announce my pgs until I'm almost halfway through because of all the questions (I can only be asked how I'm feeling or have my symptoms analyzed so many times before I want to go into hiding...I wait as looooong as possible, seriously if I could just not tell anyone irl until delivery that would be my ideal )
    Last edited by kellyowens; 04-04-2013 at 06:31 PM.
    Dh (39) Me (37) 8bio 1adopted, 14 angels






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    I am so sorry that people are giving you such a hard time. We get the occasional comment and I'm just pregnant with our third. The comments were most hurtful after my first miscarriage, though, since we had already shared with people but lost the baby at 12 weeks. They made comments about how just two were better, etc. Very few knew about my second and third losses so we didn't have too many new comments until everyone knew about this baby. I really just smile and say nothing to the comments usually and that ends the conversation right there. I guess if they continued after that point I would just change the subject.
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    My Ovulation Chart , My blog about MCAD

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    I honestly was nervous to tell my friends and family and I am pregnant with #2. I waited to tell people as long as possible. I'm sorry that it seems like there is more negative people involved in your pregnancy than positive. That is how I feel about mine and it is lonely. I imagine it will only be harder if we have more.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy! Hope you are feelling well.
    Married 7/10/04.


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    Big families rock. Just had to pop over and say that when I saw this. I am the second oldest of ten kids and my parents got those comments all the time.




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    Quote Originally Posted by kellyowens View Post
    Nicole... (((big big hugs))) momma! My heart goes out to you for sure !! I've received a lot of comments over the years but honestly, none that I felt were deliberately mean-spirited. My family ribbed me and/or expressed genuine concern with my first five or so but not so much now, lol, they've come to expect an announcement every 1-3yrs . I think it's harder for people to accept when the kids are all little but I've noticed quite a shift for the better in comments now that I'm older and have older kids.

    I'm cautious though with the information I share and with whom I share it with. IRL, I'm very general with what I tell most people and always portray life as it is overall...really, really good . I save specifics for people who I know care...there are very very few people whose shoulders are there for me and that's okay.

    Ultimately, I didn't have all of these amazing kiddos because I cared what people thought. If they support me, wonderful! If not, then what is that to me. If they can't tether their comments I laugh and smile...I know the truth...that it's not easy but the returns...wow...phenomenal!

    I think the saddest thing of all is how some people waste their existence criticizing and condemning others for choices that have nothing to do with them ...they must be the most miserable of all to find some morbid pleasure in their negativity and self-righteousness .

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! Just keep telling yourself the truth...your children are a blessing, you are a good momma, God's grace is sufficient, other people's negativity stems not from your choices but theirs. Don't let them rob you of your joy !

    Hang in there...praying for you !

    Eta...lol, and I don't announce my pgs until I'm almost halfway through because of all the questions (I can only be asked how I'm feeling or have my symptoms analyzed so many times before I want to go into hiding...I wait as looooong as possible, seriously if I could just not tell anyone irl until delivery that would be my ideal )

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    I have three children in an area where it's not usual to have that many. I have received a few comments and raised eyebrows, but nothing like yours. They mostly occurred when my youngest was a baby, right when I was most emotional. I had a complete stranger start ranting at a playground about how it was CRAZY to have that many children. Not just crazy personally, but crazy to do that to the environment.

    I think you have gotten a lot of good advice, but I do agree that the quickest way to combat any sort of intrusive personal question is to counter with a polite, "Why do you ask?" A lot of people just blurt out the first things that come into their head and don't realize that it could sound rude or hurtful or any number of other things. Or they don't care. Just stopping them for a minute to have them consider what they said might make them think better of it. Occasionally I get a thoughtful and honest answer, like "I have been considering IVF and now every time I see a set of twins I can't help but wonder...." or "I only have one baby and I feel totally overwhelmed, so I just can't imagine anyone wanting to have more."

    I have a co-worker, who, with the absolute best of intentions, always makes comments on whatever unusual feature there is about a client, whether it is that they are very tall or something about their name or whatever. She says, "How's the weather up there?" or "Your name is Levi, so do you wear blue jeans?" just stuff like that all the time. I have mentioned to her that they have probably heard those kinds of things thousands of times before and no doubt hate it by this point, and she should be professional and put them at ease, and she seems to not be able to stop herself from just saying the random mental connections her mind makes when she meets these people.

    I would have a couple of stock responses to stick in your pocket and pull out for different questions and different moods. I loved MissKerri's response. The why do you ask response is good, too. And if you're feeling particularly snarky, you could always say that once you had four babies, you got a fifth delivery for free at the maternity ward and you didn't want to let it go to waste or something like that. Unless you know for sure that they are really mean-spirited, though, I would attribute most of the comments to lack of knowledge.


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    No good advice, but I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I would love to have 6 kids but my DH nixed that (we're currently in negotiations).

    Ok, my bad advice (because I am of the sarcastic variety - you've been warned) when you get asked about being done: "No, we're in competition with the Dugger family". Smart mouth responses will catch people off guard. Ask them when they're going to have their next.

    I think the people who question it the most, understand the least what joy and love comes from such unselfishness in raising and nurturing children.
    Rae (27), DH (26), Lucas (6/3/12), Amelia (12/13/13)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rae_1478 View Post
    No good advice, but I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I would love to have 6 kids but my DH nixed that (we're currently in negotiations).

    Ok, my bad advice (because I am of the sarcastic variety - you've been warned) when you get asked about being done: "No, we're in competition with the Dugger family". Smart mouth responses will catch people off guard. Ask them when they're going to have their next.

    I think the people who question it the most, understand the least what joy and love comes from such unselfishness in raising and nurturing children.
    I totally agree!!!

    ~*~Katrina~*~ Momma to Xander, Hayden & Lily (6) and Jericho (3 1/2)

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    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. First of all, I think you need to find some new friends. Not only are these people rude and inconsiderate of your feelings they also don't seem to be on the same parenting wavelength from their comments about nursing and weaning. Try to find groups that are more AP. I have dealt with a multitude of comments over the years. I'm pretty no-nonsense and I've been told I am intimidating so maybe that's why the comments haven't been so hostile as what you've described. Mainly I would get do you know what causes that to which I would respond yes, I do and apparently we are really good at it. I would be asked when do you have time for your dh? I would say well, obviously we have plenty of us time since I'm pregnant or don't you know how that works. Also, are you done yet? Well, that's between my dh and me, but next time we're getting ready to make a baby, I'll remember to call you and ask your permission. I have been asked how much my dh makes or if we are on welfare to which I ask them how much their dh makes and what gov't assistance do they receive. The one that always throws me is when people say you must be crazy because my (1,2,3) drive me insane. I usually just say I was blessed with easy kids and that they keep me sane in such an insane world. Then there are those that get on their high horse about how I'm trying to overpopulate the world. My favorite comeback is no, I'm just trying to outnumber the morons, thanks for reminding me how far we have to go. My advice to you is to keep your responses short and simple and not engage them beyond that. They'll learn that you aren't going to just roll over and be abused and they'll leave you alone. The good news is that it won't always be that way. There will come a time where you will get far more positive responses than negative. As the kids get older and you are out and about more often you will hear people tell you that you must be a supermom or a saint or have neverending patience. For me, those comments have been harder for me to get used to, because I don't think I'm anything special, and there's nothing that hard about having a large family except that things take a little longer sometimes. People ask me all the time how do I do it? I just tell them it's not as hard as they think. The most important thing for you to remember is that in the long run it doesn't matter what those people think. They aren't coming from a place of love, so they aren't worth getting emotionally torn up over their rudeness. I had 6 kids under 6 at one time and 7 under 8. Now that they're older, I rarely get rude comments. They're overwhelmingly positive.
    Mary Jane, doula and mom of Vada, Brynna, Tea, Moira, Kyan, Ambria, Aslan, and Anakin.
    “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

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    A friend of mine (has 4 girls) and gets comments a lot. I haven't gotten much, yet. We are expecting our 3rd boy now and everyone wants to know if we are going to try for a girl or if we are done, or going for a baseball team I'm from a family of 5, my husband is from a family of 4, we are happy having a big family as long as we can take care of them all. We aren't on any government assistance or anything. But I think we are in agreement to have at least one more, just not in the immediate future. Of course God may have other ideas, lol. Most people are just surprised when I say we aren't done, but I haven't gotten the rude comments yet. I'm sure they are coming though. Try not to let it bother you. No one has to be happy with your family except those of you that are part of it, so who cares what they say or think!
    Angela (28) DH, Pat (30) DS Connor (4), DS Leo (2), DS Nathan



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    Funny, since reading this we've started to get some comments. I guess it starts happening with #3? A friend of DH's said to him yesterday "Dude! ANOTHER one??" DH was like, "Uh, its only #3..." His friend said "Yeah, but you are popping them out like every year."
    I was speechless when DH told me, since everything the guy said made absolutely no sense to me. DD1 and DD2 have almost 3 years between them, and DD2 will have 20 months between this next one. Whatever! DH grew up with 6 siblings, so he wasn't phased at all.

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    I just have to add to this that I get negative comments about the fact that we don't have a bunch of kids already (we've been married for 6 years now). He comes from a family of 5 (or is it 6 ) and all his brothers/sisters have 3-5 and are still going.

    I think some people just have to butt their noses in where it doesn't belong. Ultimately I believe it is because they are sad little people with no lives of their own

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


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    Quote Originally Posted by Smplyme89 View Post
    I just have to add to this that I get negative comments about the fact that we don't have a bunch of kids already (we've been married for 6 years now). He comes from a family of 5 (or is it 6 ) and all his brothers/sisters have 3-5 and are still going.

    I think some people just have to butt their noses in where it doesn't belong. Ultimately I believe it is because they are sad little people with no lives of their own
    I guess if you don't have the ideal 2.5 kids (or is it 1.5 now?) then you are open for criticism?

  22. #22

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    Quote Originally Posted by KC's wifey View Post
    Funny, since reading this we've started to get some comments. I guess it starts happening with #3? A friend of DH's said to him yesterday "Dude! ANOTHER one??" DH was like, "Uh, its only #3..." His friend said "Yeah, but you are popping them out like every year."
    I was speechless when DH told me, since everything the guy said made absolutely no sense to me. DD1 and DD2 have almost 3 years between them, and DD2 will have 20 months between this next one. Whatever! DH grew up with 6 siblings, so he wasn't phased at all.
    Polly I didn't notice your siggy until you posted this...big congrats Momma!

    ~*~Katrina~*~ Momma to Xander, Hayden & Lily (6) and Jericho (3 1/2)

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    Quote Originally Posted by TripMomma View Post
    Polly I didn't notice your siggy until you posted this...big congrats Momma!
    Thank you!

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    Quote Originally Posted by KC's wifey View Post
    I guess if you don't have the ideal 2.5 kids (or is it 1.5 now?) then you are open for criticism?
    It appears that way. People in his family were quite visibly angry (and I mean angry) when we didn't start popping out babies as soon as we were married. I was like um... I'm 18 and going to college? Seriously?

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  25. #25

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    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    I would have a couple of stock responses to stick in your pocket and pull out for different questions and different moods. I loved MissKerri's response. The why do you ask response is good, too. And if you're feeling particularly snarky, you could always say that once you had four babies, you got a fifth delivery for free at the maternity ward and you didn't want to let it go to waste or something like that. Unless you know for sure that they are really mean-spirited, though, I would attribute most of the comments to lack of knowledge.
    I love this! I've delivered at 2 different hospitals with 3 different drs, but most people don't know that so this could really work for me. It might be enough to defuse some people because it's pretty funny. Now if I can just remember it when I need it. Super prego brain already.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rae_1478 View Post
    No good advice, but I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I would love to have 6 kids but my DH nixed that (we're currently in negotiations).

    Ok, my bad advice (because I am of the sarcastic variety - you've been warned) when you get asked about being done: "No, we're in competition with the Dugger family". Smart mouth responses will catch people off guard. Ask them when they're going to have their next.

    I think the people who question it the most, understand the least what joy and love comes from such unselfishness in raising and nurturing children.
    My Dh told me when we got married, before we were told I wouldn't be able to get pg on my own and maybe not even with help , that he wanted 6 kids. Now that we're getting close with very little idea of how to stop it since I have so many issues with most of the BC options that are out there (no sex is NOT an option - he says "I waited to get married to start and I'm not giving it up again." ) so now we're just kinda rolling with things. There hasn't been a real plan in a pretty long time other than God knows what he's doing and we'll just have to trust that.
    On the topic of the Dugger family, we actually only live a few hours from them and they come to Branson pretty regularly. I get asked all the time if we are related to them, if we have the same religious beliefs as them, or if we know them (usually in that order because I have to keep saying no). My husband saw them one time and we know several families that have met/talked to them when they're here. We don't have TV so I don't know a lot about the show or the family really, but in spite of the fact that the number of kids we'll have is up in the air I don't know that I really want that many. I tell (nice, genuinely curious) people all the time "God has a plan. I'm just kinda hoping it's not to get me my own TV show because DH does like to be on camera." Around here most people follow the reference without explanation.

    Quote Originally Posted by MaryJane View Post
    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. First of all, I think you need to find some new friends. Not only are these people rude and inconsiderate of your feelings they also don't seem to be on the same parenting wavelength from their comments about nursing and weaning. Try to find groups that are more AP. I have dealt with a multitude of comments over the years. I'm pretty no-nonsense and I've been told I am intimidating so maybe that's why the comments haven't been so hostile as what you've described. Mainly I would get do you know what causes that to which I would respond yes, I do and apparently we are really good at it. I would be asked when do you have time for your dh? I would say well, obviously we have plenty of us time since I'm pregnant or don't you know how that works. Also, are you done yet? Well, that's between my dh and me, but next time we're getting ready to make a baby, I'll remember to call you and ask your permission. I have been asked how much my dh makes or if we are on welfare to which I ask them how much their dh makes and what gov't assistance do they receive. The one that always throws me is when people say you must be crazy because my (1,2,3) drive me insane. I usually just say I was blessed with easy kids and that they keep me sane in such an insane world. Then there are those that get on their high horse about how I'm trying to overpopulate the world. My favorite comeback is no, I'm just trying to outnumber the morons, thanks for reminding me how far we have to go. My advice to you is to keep your responses short and simple and not engage them beyond that. They'll learn that you aren't going to just roll over and be abused and they'll leave you alone. The good news is that it won't always be that way. There will come a time where you will get far more positive responses than negative. As the kids get older and you are out and about more often you will hear people tell you that you must be a supermom or a saint or have neverending patience. For me, those comments have been harder for me to get used to, because I don't think I'm anything special, and there's nothing that hard about having a large family except that things take a little longer sometimes. People ask me all the time how do I do it? I just tell them it's not as hard as they think. The most important thing for you to remember is that in the long run it doesn't matter what those people think. They aren't coming from a place of love, so they aren't worth getting emotionally torn up over their rudeness. I had 6 kids under 6 at one time and 7 under 8. Now that they're older, I rarely get rude comments. They're overwhelmingly positive.
    These are not moms I spend time with outside seeing them at the co-ops. There are people from a lot of different walks of life there, which can be good and bad. Besides M there are about 3-4 other moms that I get along with really well - one has 5 kids and another has 7, they all parent more like I do. Normally both moms with big families and M would have been at the Monday group (they are much more out spoken than I am and don't take any grief from people - that's a skill I have yet to develop ), but they were all out with a stomach bug. My kids got it first so we were already mostly over it.

    I like the "yes and we're good at it" part. This I will need to remember because the idea of openly talking about sex gets EVERYBODY around here on edge. That's one of the few topics that doesn't really seem to bother me though.

    I get the "over population" speech a lot. I'm hoping I can use that line next time because it's so fitting.

    As far as general parenting goes I do get compliments all the time from people. About a month ago I had a worker from the Children's Place come up to me at Wal-Mart to tell me about a sale they were having because she hadn't seen me in for a while. I didn't even recognize her away from her job (we're in there a lot but that's the ONLY place I know her from and I think we'd only spoken once before so it wasn't registering) so after talking to her for a while I just had to know how she recognized me out of the hundreds of customers they have. She said "Oh, I didn't. I recognized the kids. You come in with so many and they're always so well behaved and polite. Your 5 year old holds a better conversation than some adults. (he talks to the workers at the counter while I shop most of the time he's very social) Then other people come in with one kid and I just want to ask them when they're going to leave because their kids are so out of control. I've always wondered how you do it because you never seem to yell or get upset. You just ask them to do stuff and they listen. I didn't want to ask though because I thought it would be weird." I felt a little ashamed because I had just gotten done chewing them out in the car because they "never listen." I felt like a fraud because this lady thinks I'm super mom and really I'm just a really dedicated regular mom. I just told her it takes a lot of time and consistency and she is totally capable of doing it too - she had her 2 very tired kiddos along and every time they cried she looked like she was afraid I was going to give her a speech about being all the ways she was failing. I just wanted to hug her because I've totally been there even if she's never seen it.




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    Quote Originally Posted by Smplyme89 View Post
    I just have to add to this that I get negative comments about the fact that we don't have a bunch of kids already (we've been married for 6 years now). He comes from a family of 5 (or is it 6 ) and all his brothers/sisters have 3-5 and are still going.

    I think some people just have to butt their noses in where it doesn't belong. Ultimately I believe it is because they are sad little people with no lives of their own
    We had a mom in the co-op for a while (they moved away in November) who only had 1 child and she got this from all the same people giving me grief. She said it's been like that since her DD was about 2. People started asking when she was going to have another one and when she would tell them they were done people would get really rude - some would even tell her she should never have even had one if she didn't want to be a real parent. What does that even mean? Even after being through all this I'm still constantly amazed at how some people can be.

    Quote Originally Posted by KC's wifey View Post
    Funny, since reading this we've started to get some comments. I guess it starts happening with #3? A friend of DH's said to him yesterday "Dude! ANOTHER one??" DH was like, "Uh, its only #3..." His friend said "Yeah, but you are popping them out like every year."
    I was speechless when DH told me, since everything the guy said made absolutely no sense to me. DD1 and DD2 have almost 3 years between them, and DD2 will have 20 months between this next one. Whatever! DH grew up with 6 siblings, so he wasn't phased at all.
    DH got this from his co-workers this time...and last time...and the time before that. He's been with this company since the week I found out I was expecting our second. They were all (family company - Dad owns it, all the sons work there, all the wives are around all the time, everybody knows everyone's business - they are NOT OUR FAMILY but they seem to think their opinions still count to me) very supportive of that pregnancy, but since then it's been "I can't believe you're doing this again!" and "Do you even remember all your kids' names anymore?" The Dad had 6 kids, but they were from 2 different marriages so it apparently doesn't count like ours do. DH's boss's wife saw my FB announcement so at break a couple wks ago his boss said "Is your wife knocked up again?" DH "Yep." Boss "How many is this now?" DH "5." One guy not related said congrats. The rest all made very rude comments for the rest of the week.



    I want to thank you all for responding and all the good advice. I think I'm just going to have to get a little more forward with people if I want to have my family and my sanity. I'm feeling a little better today. I went to get our taxes done last night and our tax lady was really excited and asked all about when I was due and how I was feeling - the response I would really expect from most people - so that helped. We had another co-op meeting today, but I only talked to people I knew weren't going to be butt-heads so it went ok. Looking forward to the weekend with my DH and babies. The weather here is going to be beautiful and we're going to spend some time just us. That's what it's all about.




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