View Poll Results: Are you and DH on the same page (today) about having a child/more kids/beingdone ?

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  • Yes...we totally agree we are done

    34 45.33%
  • No he wants more kids and I am done

    3 4.00%
  • No, I want more kids and he is done

    16 21.33%
  • other

    22 29.33%
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Thread: Are you and your DH on the same page (today) about having more kids/not havngi more?

  1. #31
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    I voted no, for now. DH is always done, then changes his mind, lol. He was done after DS1, but once he was sleeping through the night and things got to be "normal" DH was ok with having a second. He was done after Ds2, but eventually decided he wanted a third but wanted to having a bigger gap between them-DS1 and DS2 are just under 2 years apart. But we got pregnant and are expecting DS3 in August. He is swearing up and down that he is done and doesn't even want to talk about more. I think he is just caught off guard with this pregnancy and will follow his previous pattern and want another after a while, but we'll see. I'd like one more, but would like to take a longer break. Having 3 kids 3 and under scares me a little, so I'd like to wait before bringing another one into the mix.
    Angela (28) DH, Pat (30) DS Connor (4), DS Leo (2), DS Nathan



  2. #32
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    We have 2 boys and are both good with the 2 we have.

  3. #33

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    We both agree that we are done making babies. I used to think 3 was the magic number, but realistically, 2 is perfect for us and I am very satisfied with our decision. DH has already had a vasectemy. My heart says I'd love to experience it all over and over again, but then my brain kicks in and says I'm friggin' nuts for even thinking about it!
    ~Andrea~


  4. #34
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    I voted other.

    My DH is done but I waver between wanting one more and being done. My one year old niece spent about 6 weeks with us and I felt complete trying to wrangle three kids. I miss the controlled chaos of a 7, 4, and 1 year old.

  5. #35

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    this question breaks my heart every day.

    I am NOT done. I want a fourth and I want a boy. The idea that I will never bf again, hold my own newborn again, now what its like to raise a son, all that is hard. I am only 33 and I have lots of love and energy left to give another child down the road. Of course, it helps that my third has always been an awesome sleeper and has an outgoing, fun temperament.

    Dh is beyond done. He as done after 2 (3rd was a surprise) and although he is happy with 3 now, he feels old (he is turning 43 this year), he feels he does not have enough time for each kid as it is now (he works full time, I work 4 days a week), and the girls are going to private school at 15K per year per kid which in a few years will be very expensive.

    We're at at a stalemate on this issue. i totally get why he's done and it makes so much sense, but I feel it will be such a loss for me to go that pass. I know I should probably just focus on the kids I have and be grateful for them, which I am...I adore each and every one of them and I cant believe how lucky I have been with each of them. Such amazing little personalities and people. But I guess because they're so amazing I want to get to know another amazing baby too down the road.

    Any input I'd be grateful ..... do I acquiesce to dh's preferences or push mine. I think a fourth would strain our marriage if the baby had a dsability for instance as he would not have been on board with it in the first place.



  6. #36
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    Right now we are both on the same page (voted other). Both are happy with 2 (owhich is otw) but are open to having #3 (to be discussed later )

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  7. #37

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    I voted Other. There was no option on the poll for both being on the same page and both wanting one more.


  8. #38
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    No. I want to be done after this baby and he wants one more. We are still going back and forth. I guess we will see who wins. lol



  9. #39
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    Yes. Although I have lately been getting the baby fever. I am sure it will pass. We have big plans for the next few years and it would be much more difficult to accomplish (physically and financially) with a baby in the picture. However, we have talked about adopting or fostering an older child when our kids are a little older.

  10. #40

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    Not even close. DH is 100% done and I just feel like there's another baby out there that I'm supposed to mother. I've been trying to push that feeling way down deep but every once in awhile it comes popping up and I have to confront it. In order to have another child I would have to have another DH. DH's reasons make sense and they're based on sound judgement. My reasons are based on emotions. I resent him for it at times but I am learning the benefits of being one and one. It sucks that it takes two people to say yes (to having a baby) and only one to say no.

  11. #41

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    Quote Originally Posted by tami View Post
    this question breaks my heart every day.

    I am NOT done. I want a fourth and I want a boy. The idea that I will never bf again, hold my own newborn again, now what its like to raise a son, all that is hard. I am only 33 and I have lots of love and energy left to give another child down the road. Of course, it helps that my third has always been an awesome sleeper and has an outgoing, fun temperament.

    Dh is beyond done. He as done after 2 (3rd was a surprise) and although he is happy with 3 now, he feels old (he is turning 43 this year), he feels he does not have enough time for each kid as it is now (he works full time, I work 4 days a week), and the girls are going to private school at 15K per year per kid which in a few years will be very expensive.

    We're at at a stalemate on this issue. i totally get why he's done and it makes so much sense, but I feel it will be such a loss for me to go that pass. I know I should probably just focus on the kids I have and be grateful for them, which I am...I adore each and every one of them and I cant believe how lucky I have been with each of them. Such amazing little personalities and people. But I guess because they're so amazing I want to get to know another amazing baby too down the road.

    Any input I'd be grateful ..... do I acquiesce to dh's preferences or push mine. I think a fourth would strain our marriage if the baby had a dsability for instance as he would not have been on board with it in the first place.
    You are such a wonderful person and mother. If I were you (meaning your feelings and desires), I would probably try to convince DH. I am sure it will be stressful for him but it does not sound like it is getting better and easier for you.

    I really wanted to adopt a third when DS2 was 4-5 but DH cut me off. I sorta knew he would be against it but did not realize how adamant he was. As the time went on, I found myself content to the extent that I was not happy with our surprise that ended in ectopic. My friend wanted a third but her DH was 100% against it and she accepted it over time. But your situation seems different that you wanted a 4th a year ago and now you want a 4th just the same. Based on that, I would talk to DH.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

  12. #42

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    As of today we are on the same page. I voted other, we both want at least 1 more.

  13. #43

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    We have no idea how we will feel after baby #2. But think we will want more. So we both agree to wait and see.
    Married 7/10/04.


  14. #44

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    i said other because we have some other circumstances but i may try again in 2015


  15. #45

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    Quote Originally Posted by mommabert View Post
    Not even close. DH is 100% done and I just feel like there's another baby out there that I'm supposed to mother. I've been trying to push that feeling way down deep but every once in awhile it comes popping up and I have to confront it. In order to have another child I would have to have another DH. DH's reasons make sense and they're based on sound judgement. My reasons are based on emotions. I resent him for it at times but I am learning the benefits of being one and one. It sucks that it takes two people to say yes (to having a baby) and only one to say no.
    I wish that I knew how to make that feeling go away. Good luck.
    Last edited by ibisgirldc; 04-06-2013 at 08:43 PM.

  16. #46
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    We are totally done biologically and more than likely otherwise unless I won the lottery I would love to adopt older children to be honest. I have heard a lot of people want a baby and older children and teens aren't as likely to be adopted.



  17. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by mommabert View Post
    Not even close. DH is 100% done and I just feel like there's another baby out there that I'm supposed to mother. I've been trying to push that feeling way down deep but every once in awhile it comes popping up and I have to confront it. In order to have another child I would have to have another DH. DH's reasons make sense and they're based on sound judgement. My reasons are based on emotions. I resent him for it at times but I am learning the benefits of being one and one. It sucks that it takes two people to say yes (to having a baby) and only one to say no.
    Quote Originally Posted by ibisgirldc View Post
    I wish that I knew how to make that feeling go away. It makes me cry. It depresses me. I want to turn it off. It's a sore point in my home - to the extent that it's not discussed. But it's been about three years now and it's not going away.
    I am sorry I couldn't imagine if DH just flat out told me no to having another child I wanted.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  18. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by hotpinkmomma0811 View Post
    We are totally done biologically and more than likely otherwise unless I won the lottery I would love to adopt older children to be honest. I have heard a lot of people want a baby and older children and teens aren't as likely to be adopted.
    Me too...when my youngest are grown I'd like to adopt kids 12-18yrs old...sad to see kids age out of fcare with no stable connections in their lives . Even if we don't adopt I hope to get involved in our local programs somehow. Just got a flyer from our adoption agency...they need all sorts of volunteers for various outreach programs. I hope kids are always a part of my life in one way or another

    Eta...I love that you have a heart for older kids in foster care...sib groups, school-aged kids (5yrs and up), minorities, and kids with specific physical/mental/emotional challenges are all considered high risk and difficult to place. Those are the kids who need people with a heart like yours! Praying it becomes a reality for you and them someday !
    Last edited by kellyowens; 04-05-2013 at 10:37 AM.
    Dh (39) Me (37) 8bio 1adopted, 14 angels






  19. #49

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    we are currently pregnant with our 5th baby(will have 4 here with us) and after this one(tying tubes during section) we are totally completely agreeing we are DONE!

    Jenny~ Mama to Katelyn(7), Ben(my angel in Heaven, 6), Megan(5), Allie(2years), Nora(8m)

  20. #50

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    We both would have loved to have had another child, but my body just does not handle pregnancy well, so we made the decision for DH to have a vasectomy a couple of weeks ago and we were both completely, 100% on board with that. So yes, today and going forward we are both happy with having the three sweet little blessings that we have.




  21. #51

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    we agree we want one more child. We don't agree on the timing. he wants one NOW...like yesterday. I want to wait another year before even trying. He is ok with waiting for me though.

    Brenda

  22. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by kellyowens View Post
    Me too...when my youngest are grown I'd like to adopt kids 12-18yrs old...sad to see kids age out of fcare with no stable connections in their lives . Even if we don't adopt I hope to get involved in our local programs somehow. Just got a flyer from our adoption agency...they need all sorts of volunteers for various outreach programs. I hope kids are always a part of my life in one way or another

    Eta...I love that you have a heart for older kids in foster care...sib groups, school-aged kids (5yrs and up), minorities, and kids with specific physical/mental/emotional challenges are all considered high risk and difficult to place. Those are the kids who need people with a heart like yours! Praying it becomes a reality for you and them someday !
    I def have a soft spot for children and minorities. I am a person that has overcome a lot I had learning issues as child so I understand how it might be hard to be "different" lack of better terms. I hope things work out for you too Kelly!!



  23. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by tami View Post
    this question breaks my heart every day.

    I am NOT done. I want a fourth and I want a boy. The idea that I will never bf again, hold my own newborn again, now what its like to raise a son, all that is hard. I am only 33 and I have lots of love and energy left to give another child down the road. Of course, it helps that my third has always been an awesome sleeper and has an outgoing, fun temperament.

    Dh is beyond done. He as done after 2 (3rd was a surprise) and although he is happy with 3 now, he feels old (he is turning 43 this year), he feels he does not have enough time for each kid as it is now (he works full time, I work 4 days a week), and the girls are going to private school at 15K per year per kid which in a few years will be very expensive.

    We're at at a stalemate on this issue. i totally get why he's done and it makes so much sense, but I feel it will be such a loss for me to go that pass. I know I should probably just focus on the kids I have and be grateful for them, which I am...I adore each and every one of them and I cant believe how lucky I have been with each of them. Such amazing little personalities and people. But I guess because they're so amazing I want to get to know another amazing baby too down the road.

    Any input I'd be grateful ..... do I acquiesce to dh's preferences or push mine. I think a fourth would strain our marriage if the baby had a disability for instance as he would not have been on board with it in the first place.
    I was going to say though I don't want to come off as telling you what to do would public school be an option for your children to cut some expenses to where a 4th baby be an option for you? I understand private school can be more beneficial to a child but, I didn't know how important it is for you and your family. Just throwing that out there.



  24. #54
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    When we got married, we agreed we both wanted 2 children. We did not take into account that we got married at 36. Got got pregnant at 37, baby at 38 and we are going to be 40 this year. I had a very bad pregnancy with my own health, was put on bed rest for my health. We have since agreed we are done biologically as the desire to birth our own does not outweigh the risks to my health. We talk about adopting but honestly, I'm quite happy with my Bug. I don't know if I have it in me for another one mentally. DD is challenging at times, as they all are, but I love being able to spoil her and know that we will have a financially secure future for her and ourselves and be able to go places. But with some recent babies in the family, my ovaries tug.... I'll just let my sisters-in-law populate the world... they are 10+ years yougner.

    So yes and no....
    Phoebe Grace 6-22-11; 37.5" and 26.2# at 2 years old! She is my wild child!
    Me & Geoff, 40; DD Phoebe, our June Bug

  25. #55

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    My body made the decision for us. If I had had a successful VBAC for my last then we probably would already have another. Because I ended up with a 2nd c-section I knew that I would never put my body through another c-section so we made the choice to have a tubal ligation because of that. Since I ended up with heart failure post-operatively, it was the right decision. We have thought of adopting. Recent events have made that financially unfeasible. I'm sure our circumstances will change and it might be an option again, adoption or fostering. I sometimes think about it and so does dh but we are on the cusp of all ours being in school and our oldest graduates next year. We have so much more freedom to spend time with one another now and do more as a family. Now the idea of another baby isn't nearly as appealing. There was a time where we weren't on the same page. When we had the twins, I was done. Dh was not. We talked a lot about it. My main reasons was my fear of having twins again, and my fear of having another c-section. In the end, I agreed as long as we had a bigger house and if we conceived before I turned 30. I had always told dh I'd have as many as he wanted until I turned 30. But we both knew that if I ended up with another c-section that would be it for us. I would never put myself through a 3rd one.
    Mary Jane, doula and mom of Vada, Brynna, Tea, Moira, Kyan, Ambria, Aslan, and Anakin.
    “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

  26. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by tami View Post
    this question breaks my heart every day.

    I am NOT done. I want a fourth and I want a boy. The idea that I will never bf again, hold my own newborn again, now what its like to raise a son, all that is hard. I am only 33 and I have lots of love and energy left to give another child down the road. Of course, it helps that my third has always been an awesome sleeper and has an outgoing, fun temperament.

    Dh is beyond done. He as done after 2 (3rd was a surprise) and although he is happy with 3 now, he feels old (he is turning 43 this year), he feels he does not have enough time for each kid as it is now (he works full time, I work 4 days a week), and the girls are going to private school at 15K per year per kid which in a few years will be very expensive.

    We're at at a stalemate on this issue. i totally get why he's done and it makes so much sense, but I feel it will be such a loss for me to go that pass. I know I should probably just focus on the kids I have and be grateful for them, which I am...I adore each and every one of them and I cant believe how lucky I have been with each of them. Such amazing little personalities and people. But I guess because they're so amazing I want to get to know another amazing baby too down the road.

    Any input I'd be grateful ..... do I acquiesce to dh's preferences or push mine. I think a fourth would strain our marriage if the baby had a dsability for instance as he would not have been on board with it in the first place.
    This is going to be a bit long winded, so bear with me. 12-14 years ago when we had been trying for a few years to get pregnant and it was not working we had to make a decision together on what we wanted to do. It appeared that our only chance at a baby was through an RE. When we were engaged we both said we wanted a huge family, so this was quite a shift in thinking for us. So we both had long decisions about it and we both came to the conclusion that if it happened naturally (ie, no intervention) great. But we did not want to seek help. Well a few years rolled on an I was not the happiest person. Every few months I broke down and grieved the "loss" of my future I dreamed of. I think I would have been dx as depressed because it kept getting worse and worse. Anyway, how I think this is relavent to you is that feeling never left me. It just got more condensed the more time passed. Of course now I am fertile myrtle and the years of infertility are in my past. But, even looking back a few years ago before Corbin was born I rolled around the thought of getting my tubes tied after his birth and I just couldn't do it. After he was here I was thrilled I didn't end my fertility and it felt like there was one more child out there for us. Now, sitting here with Violet and my three other kids I feel like we are complete. And that craving for another baby is for the most part gone (I doubt it will ever really ever be fully gone). But there has been a real shift in my emotions on the topic. No longer is that yearning for another baby.

    So, I guess what I am saying is if you really feel like there is another child waiting for you guys, I would at least attempt to open the door of exploration with your husband. Maybe he might understand how you feel if you tell him how long you ave had these feelings. Good luck! I hope you guys both find peace in whatever decision you reach. Not being on the same page is not a good feeling.

    Jeanne, mom to Dev0n (6) Isabe11e (5) and C0rbin (3.5) Vio1et (almost 2)


  27. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by tami View Post
    this question breaks my heart every day.

    I am NOT done. I want a fourth and I want a boy. The idea that I will never bf again, hold my own newborn again, now what its like to raise a son, all that is hard. I am only 33 and I have lots of love and energy left to give another child down the road. Of course, it helps that my third has always been an awesome sleeper and has an outgoing, fun temperament.

    Dh is beyond done. He as done after 2 (3rd was a surprise) and although he is happy with 3 now, he feels old (he is turning 43 this year), he feels he does not have enough time for each kid as it is now (he works full time, I work 4 days a week), and the girls are going to private school at 15K per year per kid which in a few years will be very expensive.

    We're at at a stalemate on this issue. i totally get why he's done and it makes so much sense, but I feel it will be such a loss for me to go that pass. I know I should probably just focus on the kids I have and be grateful for them, which I am...I adore each and every one of them and I cant believe how lucky I have been with each of them. Such amazing little personalities and people. But I guess because they're so amazing I want to get to know another amazing baby too down the road.

    Any input I'd be grateful ..... do I acquiesce to dh's preferences or push mine. I think a fourth would strain our marriage if the baby had a dsability for instance as he would not have been on board with it in the first place.
    Do you want a 4th or do you want a boy? How would you feel if your 4th was a girl? Would you still feel like you want more?

    I sort of understand. I always imagined I would have a boy and always wanted one. I was 98% sure DD3 was a boy my entire pregnancy. We are definitely done now. There is no chance I will ever have a son. It's been tough to deal with and I sometimes wonder if it will ever go away but I try to remind myself that I am lucky to have my 3 amazing girls and that not everyone gets what they want (as is the case it seems for many in this thread). I do feel like it gets easier to deal with as time goes on. I hope things get easier for you.
    Last edited by macksmom; 04-05-2013 at 10:25 PM.
    Thing 1 (7), Thing 2 (5), Thing 3 (2)

  28. #58
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    We agree we will be one and done. After our losses, we will be grateful for one, healthy baby. I've never had baby fever, but I've known that our family would be more complete with a little one. We are hoping this will be the one!
    Lily

  29. #59

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    Quote Originally Posted by lilya003 View Post
    We agree we will be one and done. After our losses, we will be grateful for one, healthy baby. I've never had baby fever, but I've known that our family would be more complete with a little one. We are hoping this will be the one!
    That's why I feel guilty, because my son is a miracle that should never have been and I should just be thankful that I get to be a mom at all. A lot of women don't get even one and I did. And he's healthy and awesome and instead of spending any time wishing for a second child that doesn't even exist I should be putting that energy and love into the child I do have.

    There is no wiggle room with my DH on this one, he's made it very abundantly clear.

  30. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by mommabert View Post
    That's why I feel guilty, because my son is a miracle that should never have been and I should just be thankful that I get to be a mom at all. A lot of women don't get even one and I did. And he's healthy and awesome and instead of spending any time wishing for a second child that doesn't even exist I should be putting that energy and love into the child I do have.

    There is no wiggle room with my DH on this one, he's made it very abundantly clear.

    You should not feel guilty for wanting another baby. I hear children are like potato chips - hard to have just one.

    For me, having a baby was not a priority until we were finally ready and had dealt with our two losses (both of which had been surprise pregnancies). While we are on the same page with only one, I would put a 99.9999% factor on that. But I also know better than to never say never.

    I can imagine how challenging it is to want something your spouse does not. Especially when it is something which a mom is so invested in - a baby. I have to believe he has his reasons for not wanting another child, just as you have yours for wanting one. The unfortunate part is that it is hard to compromise on this issue - you either have/adopt a baby or you don't.

    I hope you can find a peaceful, satisfying resolution. And never feel guilty for how you feel!
    Lily

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