Just thought I'd post a little update. Not a lot has changed here except my nerves are more fried than ever. I kind of took a step back from all of the people involved in the case (as much as I could anyway) to take a little break and not deal with it. I suppose it helped but now that court is coming up in a few weeks I'm a mess. It's actually still a ways away April 25th but every day I fall more in love with this baby and I'm starting to worry more and more what her leaving might mean for us and I'm afraid that dealing with this after the traumatic miscarriage I had last year might just be a serious breaking point. We will definitely not foster again, at least not in an attempt to adopt.

Last week at the visit with the petitioners, I got a little contact with them. The one who is a possibility is a really nice lady and seems competent in dealing with babies and all. In a way that comforts me because I think I would worry less about her if she goes to this woman. In another way though it scares me to death thinking they might actually consider her as a possibility. They said before they wouldn't recommend either petitioner but last time I asked someone about it they got really weird and vague on me, said something about maybe saying too much before, that they had no criminal history, so it could happen. That confused me beyond belief and has been bothering me ever since. This woman, sweet as she is, is in her 70s I believe and I don't know how the courts here view that but it seems awful strange to me to give a baby to someone of that age. She does have baby girl's oldest sibling but he's a teenager now so they aren't likely to have a super close relationship though I don't think they care about that either.

I just wish that I could trust these people to make the right decisions for baby girl but I don't. Obviously the system is terribly flawed and every time I look at this sweet baby who is perfect in every way, happy, well adjusted, meeting her milestones and even being ahead on some of them, and I see how secure she is and how to her her life is perfect. She doesn't want for anything and she gets all the love and attention and care that would be given to any child of ours. She's been embraced by our family. I just know that we can give her everything she needs and she can be so happy here and it scares me to think she might be taken away now or at any time.

Other than all of this and me struggling so much with it everything is great though. She's doing wonderfully and is happy as can be. I swear I've never seen a baby smile so much.