I don't understand

[LanceBabe]

I do not understand my husband. Erin talked to the lawyer about what happened with J being so late to pick up Nathan last Friday and also about filing for child support. So I was talking to DH and he got PO'd. He says "the kid is trying. Why make it harder for him?" (meaning about filing for child support). He said "we could bend over and take Nathan to him when he can't get transportation to come get him." He said not every time, but every now and then. His view, he said, is that Erin knows what it takes to raise a child, and J does not. Erin has family support and J does not. WTH? J lives off his family 100%, so how does he not have family support?

DH says J buys Nathan clothes, he came home last visit with a new coat -- it wasn't cold when Nathan left for the visit, so Erin only had a jacket on him, but then it turned cold, so they got him a new coat -- he came home with new shoes one visit, DH said, to which I pointed out that no, Nathan went there with new shoes that he got extremely muddy and they put USED, TOO SMALL shoes on him when they brought him home. We never did get those new shoes back and had to by him another pair because the ones they sent him home in were too small. I mean, I understand J and his family provide for Nathan during his visits, but that's only what? 4 days a month? Child support is supposed to help support the child the rest of the month for food, shelter, diapers, clothing, etc. DH says "Well, Erin isn't supporting Nathan totally on her own. She has family support." I get that, I really do, but J also created this child and he is not helping to support him at all. I don't understand. I just don't understand.

Am I wrong? Am I being too hard on J?

[Suja]

You aren't wrong or being too hard on J. But, I do sort of see where your DH is coming from. The reason being that even when he is not perfect, J is trying, and after he's had a little bit of time to establish a relationship with Nathan, and maybe be on less adversarial terms with Erin (and her family), might be a better time to work out a child support arrangement. I'm not saying not to do it, but to give it a little more time (months, not years), and try to approach it in an amicable manner, so that Nathan has a shot at growing up with two parents who aren't obviously hating each other.

[Scarlett]

He may be trying but he is still financially responsible for Nathan. I know it is hard, and it is better that he have some kind of relationship with his son bit it was his choice to move further away if I recall from your previous posts. My ex did something similar, moved a state away and that left him fully responsible for working out transportation.

[runningmomofmany]

J should be paying child support. Even if he wasn't doing anything else, he should still be supporting his son. It doesn't matter than Erin is getting family support.

[macksmom]

I think your DH is probably just seeing the man's point of view and maybe feeling sorry for J.

He should be paying whatever child support was agreed upon...a new coat is not child support.

[Gwenn]

i think your dh is probably just seeing the man's point of view and maybe feeling sorry for j.

He should be paying whatever child support was agreed upon...a new coat is not child support.

ita.

[Bridget]

I do not think you are being too hard on him. It's great that he's trying to be better. It really is. But if no one expects more from him, why would he ever try harder? We don't do these guys any favors by letting them be half assed fathers. Nor their children.

[hotpinkmomma0811]

I understand your view. Though Erin has support ( you and your husband) she also works and contributes. If he doesn't work right now he isn't helping contribute at all. There is nothing wrong with Erin putting a light under his butt.

[TripMomma]

I do not think you are being too hard on him. It's great that he's trying to be better. It really is. But if no one expects more from him, why would he ever try harder? We don't do these guys any favors by letting them be half assed fathers. Nor their children.

Word!

[LanceBabe]

I think your DH is probably just seeing the man's point of view and maybe feeling sorry for J.

He should be paying whatever child support was agreed upon...a new coat is not child support.

Right now, there is no agreed-upon child support. Erin told the judge, through our lawyer, that she was not going to file for child support at the time (this was a year ago this month) in the hopes that J would step up and do the right thing and support his son. He has not done that.

Scarlett, when Erin said to him "It was your choice to move" he tells her that it was not his choice to move. His mother was moving and therefore he had to move because she supports him 100%. However, he's not living with his mother now but is living with other family instead. Like that somehow makes it any less his responsibility to provide transportation. He's still the one who moved, not us.

The thing I worry about is that I've been told that if we take the issue to court, the judge is likely to order that we have to take Nathan to J since he has a medical problem and cannot drive. However, we've also been told by our lawyer that that would not happen. She said she had a case where the father had primary custody and the mother had visitation twice a month. However, the mother was only exercising her visitation once a month. They went to court and the mother's visitation was reduced to only once a month.

Our lawyer said today that we do not have to wait more than 20 minutes to J to show up for his visitation. If he doesn't show, then Erin can withhold visitation. She said if J then took Erin to court, the court would not penalize Erin and would most likely just order that J be allowed another weekend to make up for it. I told Erin that she should not just arbitrarily deny visitation because J is late as long as it doesn't interfere with any plans that we had. Now, if we had plans for that evening and he didn't show when he was supposed to, then we should go on about what we had planned and J is just out of luck. Otherwise, if we're just spending the evening at home and he's late, well, he can just call when he's at the meeting place and then he can wait for her to get there with Nathan.

[LanceBabe]

I do not think you are being too hard on him. It's great that he's trying to be better. It really is. But if no one expects more from him, why would he ever try harder? We don't do these guys any favors by letting them be half assed fathers. Nor their children.

Exactly what I think. Mommy takes care of him, so why should he take care of himself?

[cheeksy]

He wanted these visitations and he wanted to be in his life. How he will do that - he has to figure out himself. Trying harder imho is to gather yourself, get some better education (community colleges are free, aren't they?) and get some job, stop making excuses. If he has a medical condition perhaps he should stop smoking and drinking (correct me, if I am wrong - wasn't he the one who was all over his FB when the custody battle was going on , that he was stoned and drunk etc?). Now Nathan is small and doesn't understand much but once he is bigger, his tardiness and absence will make it very painful for him.
So no, you are not wrong. I don't feel sorry for J.

[LanceBabe]

He wanted these visitations and he wanted to be in his life. How he will do that - he has to figure out himself. Trying harder imho is to gather yourself, get some better education (community colleges are free, aren't they?) and get some job, stop making excuses. If he has a medical condition perhaps he should stop smoking and drinking (correct me, if I am wrong - wasn't he the one who was all over his FB when the custody battle was going on , that he was stoned and drunk etc?). Now Nathan is small and doesn't understand much but once he is bigger, his tardiness and absence will make it very painful for him.
So no, you are not wrong. I don't feel sorry for J.

Community college is not free, but it is cheaper than other colleges, and yes, he was the one always posting on FB about smoking pot. I don't know if he drinks a lot or not. Yeah, he needs to pull himself together and do SOMETHING. He has mental health issues that he won't do anything about. He refuses to go on medication and see a therapist. He wants to do everything his own way and to h-e-double-hockey-sticks with anyone else. I wouldn't be surprised if he's back to smoking pot again now that he's gotten unsupervised visitation. His older brother doesn't seem to be quite as bad as he is married and has children, a steady job, etc. His younger sister, on the other hand, is pretty much like he is except she and her boyfriend live together and she's as least trying to support herself. Still, she's on probation right now for marijuana possession herself, so she's not much better than J is. The whole family is messed up in my opinion.

[hotpinkmomma0811]

Community college is not free, but it is cheaper than other colleges, and yes, he was the one always posting on FB about smoking pot. I don't know if he drinks a lot or not. Yeah, he needs to pull himself together and do SOMETHING. He has mental health issues that he won't do anything about. He refuses to go on medication and see a therapist. He wants to do everything his own way and to h-e-double-hockey-sticks with anyone else. I wouldn't be surprised if he's back to smoking pot again now that he's gotten unsupervised visitation. His older brother doesn't seem to be quite as bad as he is married and has children, a steady job, etc. His younger sister, on the other hand, is pretty much like he is except she and her boyfriend live together and she's as least trying to support herself. Still, she's on probation right now for marijuana possession herself, so she's not much better than J is. The whole family is messed up in my opinion.

Wow it does should like the family is a big mess.