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Thread: Feeling really let down by those involved

  1. #1
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    Default Feeling really let down by those involved

    I just had to get this out there now that I've calmed down a bit, but last week I had an incident with the CASA manager in our area. It upset me so bad that I cried for two days and just had a terrible time letting it go. Now I've let it go for the most part, but I just haven't felt like myself since.

    So just to bring everyone up to date...mom did get visits suspended. They said it was both for her safety and for the baby's safety. I was feeling better after that, had a little more faith in those involved and their ability to make difficult decisions for the safety of this child. That feeling didn't last long though. Even though the petitioners (who were granted visitation until the ruling is made on their petitions) didn't show up for the very first one and knowingly did so, I still have to take her every other week to visit with them. They both showed up last time so all of a sudden people were acting like one of the petitions could happen. I was so confused as we were told by the CASA manager (before an advocate was assigned) that there was no way either petition would happen. She laughed when I asked her if either one of them was a contender and even made a joke when I told her one of the ladies was crying in court and really seemed to care. I assumed it meant she knew more than I did (of course) and didn't really question it. When I called her last week to ask some questions after things seemed to change this woman turned completely two faced on me.

    A few weeks ago she said she'd be here until July, that we should go buy diapers and formula in bulk, etc. That the only think that could change would be determining paternity. Well when I called this day, she said that one of them could have a real chance and that I shouldn't even be asking her of the possibility because she couldn't tell me what their recommendation would be...she told me a few weeks ago they were recommending against it. She then proceeded to tell me that visits were suspended because of me...Apparently, me giving mom a Valentine card of her child (to make her feel better and not so sad and lonely on Valentine's day) is what caused her episode and she called it the catalyst that started this series of events. Mom has been off meds for weeks and has had repeated episodes for weeks. This one just happened to happen when I gave her that card. This lady indicated that I shouldn't have done it, and made it sound like I did it knowing she would freak out...since I have SOOO much knowledge of how to deal with Schizophrenic people. That's sarcasm there in case you didn't catch it.

    She indicated that mom is depressed to the point of them being worried about her hurting herself and I told her it made me feel awful that this happened after I gave her a card to make her feeling better. She told me it is what it is and me doing that did start this series of events and basically indicated that mom losing her visits, being depressing, having episodes, not being on meds, and potentially hurting herself was MY fault! I should have just disregarded everything she said after that since obviously it's ridiculous but it really hurt me that anyone would accuse me of that. I've been afraid to call anyone else and haven't had any contact with our advocate, SW, or anyone. Honestly I've wanted to take a step back and not ask questions, not call unless it's an emergency, and just kind of get away from it. I just haven't felt the same since then. It upset me so bad that anyone would accuse me of something like that.

    I've done nothing all along but try to help this mom and to try to include her in her daughter's life as much as possible. I've been telling everyone involved from day one that I was no comfortable meeting with her at visitation without some coaching on how to handle her episodes. No one ever helped or told me how to deal with anything. They just threw me to the wolves it feels like. Apparently mom is also angry at me now which will be great when visits start back and I'm sure they will at some point. When it happened, I apologized to the SW and she fell all over herself telling me that there was no way that was my fault and that I shouldn't waste any time worrying about it. I just hope that she isn't saying one thing to my face and talking to this other crazy woman behind my back or something. Now I feel like I can't trust any of them and I'm considering asking not to meet with mom at all anymore when visits start back.

    Has anyone else been through anything like this while fostering? Sorry this was so long. It's still hard to get out. I am feeling like she was in the wrong and not me but losing trust in the system and in the people involved has thrown me for a loop.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  2. #2

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    I just can't imagine how hard all of this is. They are not being very professional about all of this with you. I don't have any advice, but i'm praying for you and baby girl.
    Mommy to Lilliana (10/2006) & Summer (10/2011)!




  3. #3

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    I'm sorry you are having to go through all this mess, you must be strong person. I don't have advice but wanted you to know I am praying all this works out in your favor and baby girl gets to stay with you. Hang in there

  4. #4
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    Leah, I am so incredibly upset for you ! That was just ridiculous of the casa worker to even hint you might be at fault !! This mom's issues are her own and I'm sure there many triggers for her episodes and depression. You did the right thing by giving her the Vday card...no one could have known how she would react. Stay involved...in the long run it will mean something .

    I can't even imagine how hard all of this is (((hugs)))! Thinking of you and praying!

  5. #5
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    Honestly at this point I would just do whatever they said. Don't offer to do anything extra. They were at the wrong for not preparing you or being there for you. Do you HAVE to be there for visits? Isn't that something a social worker should be supervising?

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  6. #6
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    Oh, sweetie. Wow. I cannot speak at all to the fostering aspect of things. But the schizophrenia-obviously this is a realm you're not trained in and I'm going to hazard a guess that the case workers you're dealing with aren't trained in it very well, either. Unfortunately I've got a bit of experience there-my husband's mother is extremely mentally ill with paranoid schizophrenia being one of her many dx. One of the biggest things here is you are not to blame. At all. Seriously. And for them to even insinuate that YOU triggered her latest episode? Not cool, not ok and absolutely not accurate. I mean, if it wasn't the v'day card from you then it would have been some TV commercial showing a mom and child together for v-day, you know? Her being ff medication means this was inevitable.

    Like Jennifer said, at this point I would literally do all they asked. And that's it. No pictures (sure, take them and keep them, but don't provide them unless specifically requested), no cards, no real conversations beyond the bare necessity. The rest-the back and forth about the petitioners-I would imagine the case worker wasn't supposed to say anything to begin with and maybe got called on it and is now backpedaling. When I was in high school we fostered with the hope of adopting and my parents were always told to be ready to have the infants or toddlers we had taken on an hour's notice. Every visit and every court review they brought them with a bare-minimum bag packed. No stay was ever shorter than 6 months and yet they were never given any indication that it would be longer than week-to-week and I was under the impression that unless a court order was specifically dated further out, that was protocol.

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  7. #7
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    I'm sorry that nothing has seemed to go right for you lately. I wouldn't take anything personal but I know that is hard. Snuggle that baby girl tonight!
    Jessica (32) and Ryan (32). Madelyn born August 5, 2009; Malachi born December 23, 2010 and Nathaniel born July 19, 2013. Lost a loved baby 02/29/12, 05/14/12 and 07/05/12 all due a serious allergic reaction to fabric softener.
    Check out our business, JRSolutions.

  8. #8
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    Thank you ladies so so much for the support! I can't even tell you all how much I appreciate it!

    I do pretty plan to do what is required and nothing else at this point. I'm not sure what to do about visits. It looks good, to them, if you have any type of relationship with the birth parents and mom has mentioned (though we have no clue how stable she was at the time) signing away her rights to us. She's mentioned it a few times. Not just to us but to CASA, GAL, SW, everyone. She mentioned it last time at court. Pretty sure she was off meds then so I'm not sure. Part of me is afraid if we stop seeing her at visits that our chances for that possibility will change, though I'm not sure she can do anything about it anyway being ill as she is. They may not consider her competent to make that decision.

    The other part of me wants to call the SW and tell her that I just don't think it's a good idea to have any contact with her at all at visits. When this happened there was someone there but she's the lady that helps mom with parenting/mothering skills and things like that and NOT the SW. I really like our SW but we don't have a lot of face to face contact with her. Normally when we drop baby off for visits, I walk in the door and mom is sitting there waiting whether I'm early or right on time. We always have to wait a few minutes before some official person is out there with us so I'm always alone with her for a few minutes. This always happens before the visits and sometimes after too. She parked right next to me a few weeks ago and she walked out to my car with me. That made me very uncomfortable and it may sound paranoid but I checked to make sure she didn't follow me home. That's the only thing she doesn't know about me, where I live, or what my phone number is. She even knows my first and last name though I don't know how unless we started in a meeting or something.

    I'm not sure what to do here or how to approach it but I have a few weeks to think it through. Maybe I won't have to do anything and the SW will think it better not to have contact. There's always a chance we won't see mom again anyway. If baby goes to a sort of family member in April then we may not have to deal with mom anymore. I'm just trying to enjoy having no contact with anyone this week. The plan right now is to do what they tell me and nothing else and not really make a huge effort where mom is concerned. Baby is who matters here and sometimes I think I'm the only one who remembers that. I just hope that whatever happens, she comes out of all of this innocent and undamaged. That's my biggest worry.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  9. #9
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    We were only ever allowed to give personal items through the worker. We were not allowed any interaction with bios. W/o a SW present either. We kept our kids home when there was potential for them to run into "family" with some criticism so we couldn't be accused of anything. Not allowed at or even notified of court dates.
    The person who really screwed us was their therapist. She'd be telling me one thing in appointments then file an entirely different report.

    So yeah, all this time later & it's still a world of hurt & anger. It just sucks when it all falls apart when they've been promising the moon.

    I'm really, really, really hoping for the best for you guys.

  10. #10

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    How are you and baby girl doing Leah?
    Mommy to Lilliana (10/2006) & Summer (10/2011)!




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