This isn't for me, more for my mom. And please bear with me if this gets long.

My Grandmother is 89 years old, been in good health up until this past Fall. She started having mini-strokes, began losing some of her mental capacity due to that, and her problems with her legs have worsened to the point where she is not really able to walk. She can make it only a few feet so she mainly gets up from her seat to her wheelchair and needs assistance with basic functions.

She is currently residing at my mother's home, they were able to get a home health nurse to come in 3 days a week to assist with bathing, other than that my mom and dad are doing pretty much everything. My grandmother has one other daughter who is not speaking to her and has not seen her since May 2012. My mom has made her aware of my grandmothers condition but she still will not have anything to do with it. I am unable to really assist as I am working full time, pregnant with twins and have a toddler. I do try to get over there (about 40 minute drive away) at least a couple of Saturdays a month to visit, sit with my Grandmother while my mom and dad get out a bit, whatever.

The big issue is my Grandmothers attitude in all this. And I am completely sympathetic to it as I know it is very difficult to go from a fully functioning adult living on your own in your own home to being completely dependent on others for your basic care. She is really giving my mom a ridiculously hard time about every. little. thing. We are in the process of cleaning/packing up her house, our plan is for myself and husband and kids to move in there and rent for now, and in about a years time when we are able to finance it to buy it from her. She has soooooooo much stuff she has accumulated over the years, and seriously has a set of encyclopedias from the 1960's and wants my mom to sell them thinking she can get good money from them.....Mom is really trying to be sensitive to her, but is getting yelled at every time she turns around and it is stressing her out. She is worried because she will not be able to help out with the twins when they arrive in May, and I am worried that she is pushing herself way too much and she will eventually give herself a heart attack and not be around to see my kids.

I have tried to discuss maybe finding a home for her, but she sees so many issues with it. She is worried about being able to pay for it, the fact that my grandmother would not be able to take her dog with her, she has a small yappy dog that has been her companion for years and really looks out for her. And she is worried she would not thrive in a home. Personally I hate the thought of it, but really the current situation is not good for either of them.

Whew! Ok, if you made it this far I am planning on sitting down with my Grandmother and talking to her, I don't know if this will do any good or not but I have to try to get her to see reason and ease up on my mother. What should I say to her? How can I approach this without sounding like I am putting her down and making this all out to be her fault? I do not want her to feel guilty over this and I know her situation is horrible but it cannot be helped and we need to try to get through this together as a family.