That I am completely exhausted! I went to the doc last week and my blood pressure was sky high. My blood pressure is always on the low side of normal until we start dealing with all the court stuff and mom goes off her meds. It's insane!

After the terrible episode she had last week, I was told that they didn't think it was safe anymore for her or baby to continue visits, but so far nothing has been done about it and that scares the crap out of me. She had a psych evaluation today that was supposed to determine whether or not visits would be suspended and I was supposed to get a call about it but never got one. I did talk to the SW this morning and she told me I need to show up for the visit anyway whether mom is there or not because the two ladies who petitioned still technically get visitation though they've never shown up for a visit. So I have to drive all the way over there and uproot baby girl who is teething and feeling like crap just in case they show up. I know this is often how things are done, but I find it ridiculous. It scares the crap out of me that when I talked to them today they acted like it wasn't a huge deal that mom had another bad episode and that last week they were saying she wasn't safe to be around. Personally, I don't feel safe around her myself because she's so unpredictable and you just never know what she's going to do. But if she scares me then it terrifies me to leave baby girl with her, supervised visits or not.

I just don't understand this process sometimes. There are days when I can't imagine baby girl ever leaving because the situations are so screwed up and so far they don't want her to go anywhere else because there isn't anywhere else that's safe, and other days when I just feel like we jump through so many hoops I forget what life is like without all of this stress, and without constantly worrying I'll do or say something wrong that will jeopardize the case. I keep having nightmares about court and about mom flipping out and hurting the baby or hurting me or running into her in public and her freaking out and I'm just exhausted.

Someone tell me that it's not like this every day. I know it's a hard process and it's worth it to know that baby girl is safe with us and getting what she needs, even if it's not forever, but I'm not sure my body or my nerves can handle this every day. There's got to be some good and normal days in there right? Where I'm not terrified and feeling like I can't do anything right? I think I'd feel better if I could just trust DSS but it's hard to when one day they say it's not safe and the next day they're like "eh, it's ok". I mean I'd love to know what they're basing their info on. I just hope that the psych eval shows something and that mom gets the help she needs and that, until she does, baby girl gets to stay away from her.

I just had to rant. I'm so tired and worn out with it all this week. I knew I could rant a little here without anyone being mean. Thanks for reading my rant!

On a positive note, baby girl is officially rolling from tummy to back. Started consistently doing this at exactly three months. She also has her first tooth with three more close behind that one. Yikes!