Anouncing another pregnancy to a friend waiting to adopt...advice/long
I'll start by saying we've never adopted and I don't mean to offend anyone by posting in this room. I've stalked here off and on for a few years and don't know where else to turn for advice on how to handle this.
I have a family friend (close to both my mom and me - right between us in age) who has been trying to adopt for over 4 years. I remember because she told me her DH had finally given her the go-ahead the month I found out I was pg with my first DD (second child) - October 2008, I called her bawling from the bathroom floor when I got my BFP because I was scared about having kids so close together and she changed the subject with her own good news. Her DH has 3 older boys (all with families of their own now) from 3 previous marriages - first wife died of cancer, second was abusing his son from his first marriage so he took both boys and left her, third wife took off right after their son was born and he had to place an add in the paper looking for her to finalize the divorce. She had been married to him for as long as I've known them - over 15 years I think - and have a strong marriage. Previously he had told her he didn't want anymore children, but then changed his mind and told her they could adopt, but only if it was a girl because he'd never had a girl. He's career military so they've moved several times in the last 4 years and had to keep starting the process over in a new state all while we've delivered 3 beautiful healthy daughters. Every time I find out I'm pg it gets harder to call her and when I found out they were girls it was almost unbearable, but they were still just doing paperwork and waiting so she always wanted to know and be excited with me while they waited. I know how much she wants to be a mom and she was thrilled to call last May (just 2mos after I delivered my 3rd daughter) to tell me they had been matched with a little girl overseas and they were probably going to go get her in November! I couldn't believe with was finally happening and I was finally able to celebrate with her. She sent me pictures and all the information and they set up her room and clothes and they were both overjoyed. She kept calling and asking my opinions of what toys to get and how to organize things and how to pick a good preschool. I'm sure none of you will be shocked to hear there were complications. Their trip was delayed several times due to political unrest - the country where she is has stopped all American adoptions until further notice. Now they are waiting to hear after the first of March if they will be able to go get her soon...or ever. Their daughter (as this is how they see this little girl even though the paperwork isn't finished yet) will be 3 the middle of March - on my birthday actually.
All this brings me to my situation and question. My mom is coming to visit and celebrate my birthday, my 1st daughter's birthday, and we are doing a baby dedication for her at church all on my birthday also. What my mom doesn't know is we are also planning to make it public knowledge that I'm expecting again that day. I know my friend very well and when she finds out she will be thrilled for us. She tells me all the time what a good mom she thinks I am and how she's going to call me for parenting advice when they bring their daughter home - she's far to kind. She'll have to find out over the phone as they are 3 states away right now. I know her well enough to know she will be crushed if they haven't gotten their good news yet although she'll never let on - she'll squeal with joy on the phone and cry her eyes out as soon as she hangs up. I know she'll be hurt if we leave her out of the loop though. What do I do? What do I say? Should I let my mom call her? I want to call her myself, but I'm so emotional right now (bawling just trying to write about all this for advice) and I don't want to upset her more. I hate that they've had to wait so long and now they'll miss her birthday. Then to call her that day and tell her this too. Is there a good way to go about all this? I could call her sooner if that would be better. I've told a couple other friends that don't live by us or our families and just sworn them to secrecy till my birthday. I'm pretty much willing to do/say just about anything to make this easier for her. If I thought it would help I'd be threatening the lives and families of political officials to get things moving so they could have her already. We've never had to wait through an adoption, lost a child/pregnancy, or even really 'try' for a baby so much as it just happens so I can't even try to think what I might want if it were me. Any advice would we much appreciated. She's one of the sweetest most softhearted people I've ever known and really want to do what would be best for her. TIA for any responses.