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Thread: Anouncing another pregnancy to a friend waiting to adopt...advice/long

  1. #1

    Question Anouncing another pregnancy to a friend waiting to adopt...advice/long

    I'll start by saying we've never adopted and I don't mean to offend anyone by posting in this room. I've stalked here off and on for a few years and don't know where else to turn for advice on how to handle this.

    I have a family friend (close to both my mom and me - right between us in age) who has been trying to adopt for over 4 years. I remember because she told me her DH had finally given her the go-ahead the month I found out I was pg with my first DD (second child) - October 2008, I called her bawling from the bathroom floor when I got my BFP because I was scared about having kids so close together and she changed the subject with her own good news. Her DH has 3 older boys (all with families of their own now) from 3 previous marriages - first wife died of cancer, second was abusing his son from his first marriage so he took both boys and left her, third wife took off right after their son was born and he had to place an add in the paper looking for her to finalize the divorce. She had been married to him for as long as I've known them - over 15 years I think - and have a strong marriage. Previously he had told her he didn't want anymore children, but then changed his mind and told her they could adopt, but only if it was a girl because he'd never had a girl. He's career military so they've moved several times in the last 4 years and had to keep starting the process over in a new state all while we've delivered 3 beautiful healthy daughters. Every time I find out I'm pg it gets harder to call her and when I found out they were girls it was almost unbearable, but they were still just doing paperwork and waiting so she always wanted to know and be excited with me while they waited. I know how much she wants to be a mom and she was thrilled to call last May (just 2mos after I delivered my 3rd daughter) to tell me they had been matched with a little girl overseas and they were probably going to go get her in November! I couldn't believe with was finally happening and I was finally able to celebrate with her. She sent me pictures and all the information and they set up her room and clothes and they were both overjoyed. She kept calling and asking my opinions of what toys to get and how to organize things and how to pick a good preschool. I'm sure none of you will be shocked to hear there were complications. Their trip was delayed several times due to political unrest - the country where she is has stopped all American adoptions until further notice. Now they are waiting to hear after the first of March if they will be able to go get her soon...or ever. Their daughter (as this is how they see this little girl even though the paperwork isn't finished yet) will be 3 the middle of March - on my birthday actually.

    All this brings me to my situation and question. My mom is coming to visit and celebrate my birthday, my 1st daughter's birthday, and we are doing a baby dedication for her at church all on my birthday also. What my mom doesn't know is we are also planning to make it public knowledge that I'm expecting again that day. I know my friend very well and when she finds out she will be thrilled for us. She tells me all the time what a good mom she thinks I am and how she's going to call me for parenting advice when they bring their daughter home - she's far to kind. She'll have to find out over the phone as they are 3 states away right now. I know her well enough to know she will be crushed if they haven't gotten their good news yet although she'll never let on - she'll squeal with joy on the phone and cry her eyes out as soon as she hangs up. I know she'll be hurt if we leave her out of the loop though. What do I do? What do I say? Should I let my mom call her? I want to call her myself, but I'm so emotional right now (bawling just trying to write about all this for advice) and I don't want to upset her more. I hate that they've had to wait so long and now they'll miss her birthday. Then to call her that day and tell her this too. Is there a good way to go about all this? I could call her sooner if that would be better. I've told a couple other friends that don't live by us or our families and just sworn them to secrecy till my birthday. I'm pretty much willing to do/say just about anything to make this easier for her. If I thought it would help I'd be threatening the lives and families of political officials to get things moving so they could have her already. We've never had to wait through an adoption, lost a child/pregnancy, or even really 'try' for a baby so much as it just happens so I can't even try to think what I might want if it were me. Any advice would we much appreciated. She's one of the sweetest most softhearted people I've ever known and really want to do what would be best for her. TIA for any responses.

  2. #2


    First, congratulations on your BFP! What wonderful news!

    I think, most importantly, is to not tell your friend in a public place. She will need some time to let her emotions out (yes, she will cry and probably scream, like I do when I hear that my sister is pregnant). There are a few options to tell her in private, they just depend on your relationship. One is to just sit down with her and have a 1:1. Definitely acknowledge her feelings. The other option is to deliver the message to her in a different way. As insensitive as this sounds, my sister texted me her pregnancy announcement, and I really appreciated it. It gave me the time to feel my emotions and deal with them without being right there in front of her. She also texted that she was really scared to tell me the news, and I appreciated that-she communicated that she understood that it would be difficult for me, while at the same time, just as you said, she knew that I would be happy for her. We don't talk about the pregnancy a lot-she let's me bring it up and ask the questions.

    However you do it, don't feel bad that you are pregnant and that she is not-that is just the life we all have to live. What is important is that you are understanding and aware of her feelings-not how you think she might be feeling, but how she is actually feeling. And give her some time to process this.

    Good luck to you, and again, congratulations!

    Erica 33, DH 34, STC for 4+ years, Diagnosed DOR 4/2011, mom to 4 , Barbados IVF March 2013!!!

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    You know your relationship with her, so tell her however you feel she will be most ok with and then give her time to work through whatever she is feeling. This may or may not include feelings of jealousy or resentment. Please remember, these feelings are regrettable, but felt sometimes nonetheless and have to be worked through. I'm sure she will immediately be thrilled for your good news but her emotions may not let her show that yet. Don't take it personal and don't feel bad for the news you have to tell, its wonderful! Give her time to process it in her own way and time, and then she will come to you with open arms. and congrats on your pregnancy

  4. #4


    Here's my need to be the one to tell her. You need to let her know just like you would any of your other friends. I know how it feels to have people I care about having babies when we couldn't or while we were waiting for a match. I also know what it feels like to see people close to me have babies after we had a failed placement. I remember how aweful I felt when I found out a friend was expecting and she had been afraid to tell me. Everyone else knew and I heard the news from someone else. Like you said she'll probably be excited for you and if she's a friend she will be...just know that she may be sad too. In my experience it makes things harder when people exclude you from something or are afraid to tell you their good news. Adoption can make you feel like you're made of glass and can break at any moment and if people treat that way you start to believe it. Tell your friend and don't feel bad about your pregnancy. You've been blessed, be happy! Good luck and congrats!!!


  5. #5


    Thank you for your candid responses. I go to the Dr tomorrow so I might just call her after that so she can process it before everyone else finds out and starts talking about it. Tbh, I've never been close to anyone who's adopted like this and I had no idea how long and hard the process can be. You ladies have my respect for being able to hold up through all this. I don't know that I could do it. I wish you all the best of luck as you continue your journey.

  6. #6


    Thanks Cloee and good luck telling your friend. (it can't be easy on you either) She'll appreciate hearing it from you I'm sure.


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