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Thread: Did I handle this right?

  1. #1

    Default Did I handle this right?

    Ds2's just had his birthday party yesterday at a kids gym. Most of the kids were from my mom's group but there were also 3 boys from his preschool class and 2 boys that are family friends. It was a big party (I did not expect that everyone invited would actually come). It worked out fine and everyone had fun. EXCEPT that one of the boys was coughing initially. Our family friend couple just recovered from the flu and the mom was very apprehensive about the coughing boy, S. I went to S's mom and she said S was sick some time ago but now fine and had the residual post nasal cough. His cough eventually went away which makes me think that she was right. Plus I have known her for several years and believe she won't purposefully come with S being sick. However, my friend kept making comments to me at the party. (The party was 10 a.m.-12 p.m.) In the afternoon, she texted me asking whether S was on antibiotics and what he had. I did not know the diagnosis and just repeated what the mom told me and also said he did not cough the entire time. This morning my friend texted me that her younger son is sick perhaps from S. Her son woke up congested with fever. I responded that he fell sick some 16 hours after playing with S, so maybe S was not at fault. My friend said how sad she was and how sick her child was. I could not help but texted back that CDC, WHO and other sites say that incubation period was at least 24 hours and that I am sorry but could not ask S and his mom to leave. My friend agreed that her son might have gotten sick somewhere else. But that got me thinking. Would you as a host ask a guest to leave if they appear sick? How about if you trust the mom? Do you feel like it is appropriate to expect that a host "police" her parties for sickness? If you attend a party where a kid appears sick would you leave or stay? I feel this is such a murky gray area. I am not sure what I was supposed to do. I feel like my friend was the only one making it a problem and the kid stopped coughing at some point which makes me think that he coughed out the mucus. I cannot be sure, of course.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

  2. #2
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    I don't think that you as a host can ask anyone to leave. You could suggest that someone looks like they are unwell, and could perhaps use some rest, or drop other, broad hints, but that's all. I have left gatherings where guests appeared ill, but only when Mira was younger. There is only so much puke one can scrape off bedding/floor/walls before one reaches the breaking point.

  3. #3

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    BTW I would have certainly understood if my friend left and would not have judged/felt offended in the least. I have left a gathering or two in the past where someone appeared sick and my kids were very young and we have had bouts of sickness. I have never expected the hosts to do anything though.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

  4. #4

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    She was essentially asking you to over-ride the other parent's knowledge and choice they made for their child. How would she feel if someone did that to her? Extend that to anything- schooling, vaccinating, food, child care, working parents----- just because 'you' don't agree with some ones choices doesn't mean you get to force them to change it. I've always been of the opinion that when you go to a birthday party for kids, you run at LEAST a 50/50 chance of bringing home whatever cooties are going around that season. It's just what happens. Lock them up and don't ever take them out if you're that freaked out by it. All that said- my DH is just like your friend, which is probably why I have such a strong reaction to the situation Exactly what I typed above is what I say to him when he starts mouthing off about some kid coughing or clear nose running (I tell him I refuse to keep Emme locked up for fear she might pick up some random cold). I can't say he's ever pressured the host to tell someone to split, but he is the jerk who will make passive aggressive remarks right to the other parent until he's ticked them off enough that they leave. And he's dam happy about it too

  5. #5

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    If she was concerned about the other kid possibly being sick, she should have taken her child and left not expected you to confront the other mom. Also, any parent should expect to come into contact with all sorts of germs at a kids' gym.
    Mary Jane, doula and mom of Vada, Brynna, Tea, Moira, Kyan, Ambria, Aslan, and Anakin.
    “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

  6. #6
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    The complaining mom should have just left with her child if the cough of the other child was so bothersome to her. In fact, she should have simply not come to the party since it was at a public gym which had likely been touched/coughed/sneezed on by numerous other children. All of the mom that I know are very careful about transmitting illness. They all follow the 24 hours no fever, clear nasal discharge, back to normal behavior deal (and longer for all of those illnesses that are contagious for longer). Coughs, especially those only present in the morning, can linger for weeks and not be indicative of an infectious illness.
    Jessica (32) and Ryan (32). Madelyn born August 5, 2009; Malachi born December 23, 2010 and Nathaniel born July 19, 2013. Lost a loved baby 02/29/12, 05/14/12 and 07/05/12 all due a serious allergic reaction to fabric softener.
    My Ovulation Chart

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by maryjane View Post
    if she was concerned about the other kid possibly being sick, she should have taken her child and left not expected you to confront the other mom. Also, any parent should expect to come into contact with all sorts of germs at a kids' gym.
    ita!


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  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by JJorn View Post
    The complaining mom should have just left with her child if the cough of the other child was so bothersome to her. In fact, she should have simply not come to the party since it was at a public gym which had likely been touched/coughed/sneezed on by numerous other children. All of the mom that I know are very careful about transmitting illness. They all follow the 24 hours no fever, clear nasal discharge, back to normal behavior deal (and longer for all of those illnesses that are contagious for longer). Coughs, especially those only present in the morning, can linger for weeks and not be indicative of an infectious illness.
    This! I think it's ridiculous that she's blaming your friend for her child's illness a mere 16 hours after exposure. If we all stayed home if we had a little cough or runny nose we wouldn't leave the house ever.

    Me (Jen), DH (Mike), DD (Amelia Corinne, born April 25, 2008), DD (Liana Elise, born Sept 28, 2010)

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by MomOfAnOnly View Post
    I've always been of the opinion that when you go to a birthday party for kids, you run at LEAST a 50/50 chance of bringing home whatever cooties are going around that season. It's just what happens. Lock them up and don't ever take them out if you're that freaked out by it.
    ITA. I think you did the right thing. I would never ask a guest to leave a party if a child was coughing. I think your friend is being unreasonable and shouldn't have raised it with you after the fact.

  10. #10

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    I do think you handled it very well. I also agree that giong to a birthday party, you take that chance. Just like going anywhere else. And think of the fact that kids are contagious before they show symptoms so really the only thing one can do is focus on their own health and immunity.

  11. #11

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    You handled it like a mature adult who has a reasonable head on her shoulders. I think 'friend' who was concerned so much about the cough is just a little over-reactive. If she doesn't want her kids to get sick ever, she should barricade herself and children in her house.

  12. #12

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    Thanks for the responses.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

  13. #13

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    Quote Originally Posted by MomOfAnOnly View Post
    She was essentially asking you to over-ride the other parent's knowledge and choice they made for their child. How would she feel if someone did that to her? Extend that to anything- schooling, vaccinating, food, child care, working parents----- just because 'you' don't agree with some ones choices doesn't mean you get to force them to change it.
    Carrie: I think that's the bottom line. That and as all other PP mentioned that going to a little persons' gym, playground, pump it up place and the like, one assumes risks.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

  14. #14

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    I think you handled it fine. I would not ask anyone to leave, I can only hope anyone with an actively sick child would know better than to bring them to a birthday party. If anything your concerned friend probably brought her sick and contagious kid, without knowing, and exposed everyone.

    I have learned that illness and kids go hand in hand...unless you sit at home and do nothing. It is one of those things where you have to weigh the risks (illness, injury) against the rewards (having fun, making the kids happy) on every group activity.

    ~*~Katrina~*~ Momma to Xander, Hayden & Lily (6) and Jericho (3 1/2)
    Trying to complete our family...My Ovulation Chart for my LAST try !

  15. #15
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    You handled it right! I just got over a cough that I have had since Thanksgiving. I got sick just before Thanksgiving and ended up with a cough and I seriously had it for 2 months! Its normal to have a cough continue to linger after having been sick. Going anywhere where there are children is asking for someone to possibly get sick.



  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by BrandiB View Post
    You handled it right! I just got over a cough that I have had since Thanksgiving. I got sick just before Thanksgiving and ended up with a cough and I seriously had it for 2 months! Its normal to have a cough continue to linger after having been sick. Going anywhere where there are children is asking for someone to possibly get sick.
    This! I get a cold and get over it EXCEPT the cough. I can have a cough for months. I also have asthma which manifests as a cough....only rarely do I wheeze. It took them 9 years to dx with asthma because of this. I have a coworker who also has asthma that coughs instead. People shouldn't assume that cough means contagious illness. I don't like to have a cold and try to avoid them but really eventually the cold is going to get you unless you live in a bubble.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by JJorn View Post
    They all follow the 24 hours no fever, clear nasal discharge, back to normal behavior deal (and longer for all of those illnesses that are contagious for longer). Coughs, especially those only present in the morning, can linger for weeks and not be indicative of an infectious illness.
    My daughter has been this way for the last 3 weeks and still has it. I can't keep her home all that time for no fever, acting fine, no other sympotms, etc. I'm sure I've gotten some sideways looks for it, but if there were any indication that she was not feeling well I would keep her home. I think you did the right thing and that it was up to the Mom of the child who was concerned to leave. Especially at such a public venue.
    Growing fast... DD1 (6) & DD2 (4)
    Forever loved, forever missed... Twin Girls with us for 19w3d 6/12/06

  18. #18

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    Quote Originally Posted by TripMomma View Post
    If anything your concerned friend probably brought her sick and contagious kid, without knowing, and exposed everyone.
    That thought crossed my mind so many times and I had to bite my tongue not to say anything. Really, if he got so sick in the early morning following the party, he was contagious at the party. And that would be hardly a surprise since her older son had fever for many days and broke fever about 24 hours before the party (if not less than 24 hours). Her younger son also goes to preschool and I know that my kids' preschool the coughing boy S would not be returned home. When I drop off my children I constantly hear cough coming from at least 3-4 kids in the winter and I frequently see shiny noses. I think this winter season hit most people really hard, the flu spread like fire, Southern California is notorious for not vaxing much with flu shots, there were other viruses in addition to the 4 strains of flu. So I do understand that my friend is uber tired dealing with sick kids and sick DH. I myself had to deal with that for what feels like a month. It is frustrating for everyone.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

  19. #19
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    No offense but your friend sounds neurotic!!! I thought I was bad! It is not your responsibility to assess the health of your guests. If she didn't like it she should have taken her child and left. I do get crazy when parents irresponsibly bring sick kids out but now that I have 3 kids I understand more than you really never know the situation. I don't know why it took 3 kids to get that but I just feel like we have been through so many different stages of illness here that I am really the only one who can determine if it's ok to take my child out - not what others think I should do with her. You just have to trust that all parents are acting responibly which you can't so any time you go out you run the risk of catching something.....YOu did the right thing!
    Thing 1 (7), Thing 2 (5), Thing 3 (2)

  20. #20
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    You did just fine, I think. It sounds as if the other mom is overanalyzing things. Of course she doesn't want her kids to get sick, but I totally agree with the OP that if you're at ANY public place--especially one geared toward kids--there are going to be germs present.

    ~ Cassie, mama to Madison (8), Ali (4) & Wesley (new dude!)


  21. #21
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    Leif I was there with my kid who I said was fine and you asked me to leave, I would have been hurt by that. I think you did exactly what I would have done. Generally speaking, most moms can gauge how sick their kids are. If I saw a sick chilD AT A paRty I would leave if I felt concerned.

    Jeanne, mom to Dev0n (6) Isabe11e (5) and C0rbin (3.5) Vio1et (almost 2)


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