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Thread: Will any of this matter?

  1. #1
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    Default Will any of this matter?

    Well we're coming up on the dreaded court date and we just keep thinking that this coming week may be our last week with baby girl. I don't let myself dwell on it too much though when I do it about kills me. I want to enjoy my time with her so I try to put it out of my mind. It's when she's sleeping or something and I'm not busy that it eats me up. But it's going to happen and I can't do anything to change the outcome. I'm just trying to prepare myself to hear that she'll be leaving so it's not as much of a shock if that's what happens.

    This week though, at visitation, the mom told me that she could tell how happy she is. I've been showing her videos of baby girl smiling and laughing and listening to music and all of her cute and funny reactions. And mom said "I can tell she's happy. I'm so glad to know she's so happy." The lady supervising the visits said that she thinks she's a lucky little girl to have ended up with us in such a happy, loving home. She says things like that all the time, and always says it in front of mom. Mom always agrees. After our visit, I called the case manager to talk to her about updating some paperwork. And before we even got into that she told me how proud she was of us. She was our trainer, and she said that she couldn't be more proud of how we've handled it all and how kind we've been to mom. She said if she goes home she could pretty much guarantee we'd have relationship with her if we wanted because we have such a good relationship with mom. She went on and on about how we've gone above and beyond what most people do and how it makes a huge difference to everyone involved.

    Personally, I just think of it as doing what I would want someone to do for me if it was me in that situation. She grows and changes so fast. How can we not give her pics each week? Plus, we love to brag on how well she's doing because we're proud of her. So we love being able to show that too. And I know it makes mom feel better to know she's doing so well.

    Anyway, I know that typically with petitions, they don't even look at the foster family and it's like the foster family might as well not exist because "family" is automatically considered better than foster home. But I'm wondering if anyone knows if there's any chance that all of this will matter when making the decision to put her with family or let her stay with us? I think we've got a good thing going here. We have a good relationship with mom (probably better than family would have with her because of all the baggage) and baby girl is so secure here and happy in this environment cause it's all she's known. I know in the long run it's better to change her environment early on rather than later but still...I feel like it should count for something. Is there any way that it will, especially our relationship with mom?
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  2. #2
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    I have no idea but would think that if the mom has anything to do with hearing that her saying how happy the baby is with you and that she wanted her child to go to you that would make a big difference. I really have no idea how a hearing like this will go, though, but just wanted to let you know that we are rooting for you!
    Jessica (33) and Ryan (33). Madelyn born August 5, 2009; Malachi born December 23, 2010 and Nathaniel born July 19, 2013. Lost a loved baby 02/29/12, 05/14/12 and 07/05/12 all due a serious allergic reaction to fabric softener.
    My Ovulation Chart , My blog about MCAD

  3. #3

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    Oh Leah I really hope it does. I've never worked foster care so I'm really not sure. I do know that family is always given priority but not at the expense of the well being of a child. I think it's going to depend on the family that has come forward and the mood of the judge. I think too the state doesn't want to keep paying for a baby in foster care when they have family willing to take them. And they have to count her in their case count. I know those things shouldn't matter but they also play a part. So many states have a foster care system that is in the red these days and kinship care payments are so much cheaper than a board payment. I hope that your SW will fight for you guys on tHis. Lots and lots of prayers coming your way.

    Mommy to Piper 6/5/09 and an 11/2011
    Make a pregnancy ticker

  4. #4

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    the way that it was explained to us is that the issue is whether the child should be placed back with the family (whomever that is) and not whether the child is better off with the foster parents. I'm sorry that this is likely the answer...

    It can't hurt, though, that you've done such a great job. Good luck!

  5. #5
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    It did not matter for us with our first baby. He went to a family that had adopted a second cousin of his. They had adopted 7 kids already, 5 from the tribe, so baby went there when it looked like it was going to be an extended placement. Mom liked us & made the same comments (so did our sibs dad). I spent visits playing with her other children while she spent time with baby. SW wanted us there so I would make the 70mile drive twice a week. We never expected to adopt him but would have been thrilled to. We did lots of good for him & his family is awesome.
    I think with babies & young ones it just so easy for that bond to form & all those nurturing hormones to kick in. And whether it lasts or not, there is some peace in knowing you did good by that child.

  6. #6
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    Thank you everyone for your responses. As is, that does make sense though I hadn't thought of that. That there could be a family member even that has a cousin or something of someone else. I guess there are just so many variables to consider.

    This was a hard week to get through since we had constant rain and cold weather and I didn't feel like it was smart to take baby girl out anywhere. The day I had decided to go out we ended up having a huge snowstorm so those plans were cancelled and we stayed home. The day after that was supposed to be a doc appt so we could have gotten out of the house then, but the snowstorm cancelled everything and her appointment was rescheduled so I went nearly a whole week and didn't leave the house. DH just started a new job too so was mostly unreachable all day every day which gave me way too much time to think about all of this. Every day I have to stop myself about 100 times when I start to think about the future. I thought today about when spring comes and I can take her to the park or something to walk, and then I remember it's likely she won't be here then. She also started teething (I know I couldn't believe it either) and wasn't feeling well all day. I'm sad she doesn't feel well, but it's another milestone all the same.

    We went out to Hobby Lobby today to look at scrapbooking things. I hadn't had a chance to start on her lifebook yet and I figured out how I want to do it and all. I feel like I need to hurry to get it ready now. I'm trying to come up with an idea of what we'd need to send her home with too. This is all so depressing but I feel like I have to face it or it'll just be that much harder the day we find out and in the time following that. We have decided to stay on the foster list though instead of taking a break if she leaves. Sigh...I hate thinking about all of this but I know it's the nature of it.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  7. #7

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    I'm so happy baby girl is with you all, and I'm also so sorry you're having to face these difficulties. Can't imagine how hard that must be. Sending lots of hugs your way and prayers for peace and strength!

  8. #8

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    Don't have any advice, but I really hope it goes well! I know this has to be so hard! You've done a great job with her!!



  9. #9
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    Thank you ladies! To be honest, I'm a complete mess. I've cried all day today. I'm just so angry that all of this happening. I knew I'd be like this this week. I just wish there was something I could do to feel better and I can't find anything. Our stupid cable is out even so...I don't even have TV to occupy me. I don't really have time to just sit around staring at it anyway. Just after all the infertility crap it felt like maybe this was the way to go and maybe it was the right thing to do and like we were being led to do it and maybe we were. But right now it all feels so wrong. Losing her seems wrong. An empty house and a broken family seem wrong. I know birth mom probably feels this way all the time (when she remembers anyway) and I hate that for her, I really do because it's awful. But sometimes I feel like I'm cursed or something. Seems I can't keep a baby no matter how I go about it. It all scares me to death too. The illness I have (which is not related to fertility) typically progresses once you reach your 30s. I'm in a healthy spell right now, but I'm almost 28 so I don't have a ton of time to just sit around wishing it all to happen. I want to make sure I'm there and healthy for their early years when they need you in the middle of the night and things like that. I feel like I'm just running out of time sometimes and I just don't know what to do with myself.

    I think right now I might just try to concentrate on the people who hopefully are good people who will get her. If she can't be with us, I want her to be with the next best thing. I just hope it happens that way but from what I've learned about this family, I'm scared for her. Plus...small town. We'll probably see her everywhere. We saw birth mom at the gas station the other day...she works right down the street from our house. Will it never get any easier? Okay sorry...rant over.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  10. #10

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    I'd be a mess too, no doubt about that. I'm sorry that you'll be reminded about baby girl, as I'm sure it will be extremely hard, but know that we're all rooting and praying for the best possible outcome for you in this situation. I worry about you as you stress (which is totally normal and understandable) on the possible goodbyes, your illness that could flare up later, and everything else that is going on.

    I know that's hard not to, but I feel like your worries will become a mountain if you get too deep into them. And since I'm putting my two cents in, I think you need to be reminded that you are not cursed, you are a blessing! You are a wonderful wonderful (yes, I meant to put that twice) person, and I believe very strongly that you will be blessed with a baby someday. I truly do.

    I just want you to know how much we care for you & look forward to seeing you with your forever baby! Many hugs, Leah!

  11. #11
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    I am also hoping that things go your way in court. Fostering is probably one of the hardest things.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  12. #12

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    When is the court date? Is it today? I'm over here praying so hard for you.
    Mommy to Lilliana (10/2006) & Summer (10/2011)!




  13. #13
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    Big huge
    Julie, DH: W, DS: Mason, GGB Trips Amelia, Ellanor & Noah
    FFS "Baby C" disrupted fost/adopt of sibs Q,Z,J & K 9/10-3/11

  14. #14
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    Thank you everyone so much for the support! It really does help a lot. Court is actually next Tuesday. I keep forgetting what day of the week it is and I think I kept telling people yesterday it was Tuesday and them thinking today because I got asked about it a lot today even from family. I'm brain dead I guess. I'm still not sure what's going on or how I'm feeling or what to expect though I've convinced myself she's leaving. I even called the SW today and asked what we would need to send with her if she goes and she answered it like it was a no big deal kind of question. Sometimes I wish they appreciated a little more what we go through in opening our hearts to children.

    I do need to be careful with the stress as it really does irritate my illness or can. Thankfully, I have an appt with my specialist next week after court so if things get flared up he'll know what to do. I'm trying to make a plan in my mind for how to deal. DH is going to take the day off of work and I feel like we'll need to do something to keep our minds off of it. Today I feel like I just can't wrap my brain around it. Sometimes I want to hold her close and never let her go and other times I'm almost afraid to pick her up and snuggle her. I guess I'm trying to "guard my heart" as my mother says but I don't know. I feel guilty for feeling so conflicted about how to spend this week with her.

    I called the GAL yesterday and left a message saying I'd like to talk with him before court. He hasn't called back yet. I'm not even sure what I said exactly so I hope it was a return my call message and not an "if you need to call" message. I don't remember. Anyway, I was hoping to discuss some things with him since we haven't really had a chance to talk with him. I've been a little terrified to ask questions or talk to anyone. Sometimes I just feel like I'm being judged all the time and I worry about how I'll be received when I ask certain questions so I just don't ask. This leaves us feeling like we know nothing though and that just sucks. Baby girl has been so cute today...just smiles all over. I can't bear to think of what it will be like for her looking around the room for us and us not being there anymore. She does this when we're at my mom's or something and we leave the room. She looks for us, and if she hears my voice she tries to find me. I know she'll be okay and it's not like she'll remember this, but it still hurts to think of her being confused and maybe missing me too.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  15. #15

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    Just hurts my heart to think of her leaving you (I know that I should be a little more encouraging, but I seriously cannot imagine the sadness)
    Mommy to Lilliana (10/2006) & Summer (10/2011)!




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