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Thread: HELP!!!! Seperation, pending Divorse....

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  1. #1

    Default HELP!!!! Seperation, pending Divorse....

    OK. so I find myself here... staring blankly at the idea/thought of a divorce... DH and I have been together since 2003 (almost 10 years), married since 2006 (June it will be 7 yrs!). Our first was born in 2009, our second 2011... I will not deny that I was not a happy pregnate woman. In fact I was beyond miserable. But we sucked it up and stored it away calling it the "unknown pregnancy factor!). I returned to work to be laid off, only setting in motion serious post pardum depression. I had it bad with my first born. But was able to snap out of it, or come to grips and begin to hide it better I really dont know. I had an ectopic pregnancy followed by the pregnancy leading to our second born. We have had a hard road, there is no denying that. We have had our fights, we have "threatened" divorce, all of it. but we have come through, or so I thought. A day before Christmas DH finally comes clean and says he wants to separate. He has been couch surfing for 2 weeks now, mind you he has always had business trips, which I feel has contributed to the failure of our marriage, while he thinks the business trips has kept us married this long!!! I slept at my parents house the first Saturday of the seperation, leaving him home with the kids, something he has never done before... the second saturday, I left again only to come back 6 hrs later. I liked my life. I know we have our problems but nothing worth quitting over... He was angry that I interrupted his night alone with the boys. I said Im not the one giving up. Im not moving out!

    Hes been a different dad. Hes been ignoring me. But hes been so attentive to the kids. Helping around the house, tubs, making dinner, took both grocery shopping. I went x-country skiing by myself, something I have not done in years!!! I am finally getting me time, but is me time really worth the cost of a marriage? A family???

    Ive scheduled us for our first marriage counseling session in a week. He says he will go, but he is defiant that it is not going to change his mind. He wants out. He is not happy. He does not love me any more. We are broken, and he doesn't think we are fixable...

    So how do you know, when its just over???


    Single Momma, of Two Amazing Little Men. They Have my heart like no other...

  2. #2

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    Go to counseling and see how it plays out. It is more important for you guys to be happy than for you guys to be together. When we were having a hard time we agreed to not discuss divorce for 6 months, and then reassess. But we were both committed to working things out. Good luck, whatever happens.

  3. #3

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    I am sorry you are going through this. I can imagine you are hurting a lot. For me, it would be over the moment he said he said he did not love me. It is hard to see past the initial pain but you will have a better future moving on from someone who does not love you. Hugs to you.

  4. #4

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    Is he having an affair? Go to the counseling, get to the root of the problem. Go for yourself even if he won't go with you.

  5. #5

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    I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I agree with the others. Go to counseling, get to the bottom of things with him if he's willing to go. If he has truly made up his mind and has his foot out the door, it likely won't change his decision, but it'll make things easier to understand and at least you won't have any questions as to why it's happening. You might even want to have some counseling alone as well if you can to help you sort out your emotions and come to terms with things. It'll take some time and distance, but eventually you will begin to make sense of things and feel better. Hugs.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  6. #6

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    He says he is not having an affair, me personally Ihave already lost my trust in him its true, I also agree to the fact that the moment he said he didn't love me, or even find me attractive any more esp since having the kids it felt like being hit bu a 2 x4 would be an understatement. Its also true that as much as this emotionally hurts, I'm torn to the fact that maybe Idont want him back. I have more respect for myself. But Isee the kids and it breaks my heart. He does travel a lot for work so I've jokening called myself a single mom now for about 2 yrs.... but I'm still scared.
    My conversation with my 3yr old while putting him to bed.
    DS1 "why did daddy leave?"
    Me "he had to go to work."
    DS1 "I miss him."
    Me "me to."
    "Do you miss me when Igo to work?"
    DS1 "no, you always come back."
    Just about broke my heart right there...

    How can he do this to us. Our life can't be that bad? I'm so confused.

  7. #7

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    Awful that you have to go through this. If it's any consolation, it's not an unusual story - meaning that you haven't failed in anything but it's just all too common that things can go awry after the baby(ies) come. I hope that you and your husband can work it out... or at least find a comfortable place to part for everyone's sanity.

    I agree with the statements above about going to counseling alone, even if your husband drops out or isn't committed. I can't tell from your post, but if you weren't treated for your postpartum issues, maybe there's still a need for the insight and advice of an expert. And throwing in the marriage issues, the work issues... it's been a tough few years and you deserve a chance to talk to someone who might be able to give you a different perspective on it all.

    Good luck. I hope that you get to a good place, whatever that turns out to be.
    Last edited by ibisgirldc; 01-13-2013 at 11:44 PM.

  8. #8

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    Someone shared this on another board. I've never faced problems in my marriage, and I don't know how I would react if this happened to me. But I thought this was an interesting perspective and a truly different approach. I have heard people talk about the seven year itch, and how that is a very fragile point in marriages. Anyway, I wanted to share in case there was anything here that might help or be applicable for you.

    http://theweek.com/article/index/995...he-ignored-him
    Mary Jane, doula and mom of Vada, Brynna, Tea, Moira, Kyan, Ambria, Aslan, and Anakin.
    “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

  9. #9

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    I don't know more than from your post but it sounds like you want to fight for your family and your marriage, and I think you should. I hope and pray that counseling works and that his heart will see what is truly important.

    Many hugs to you during this time!

  10. #10

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    I have heard many an old married couple exclaim that a key to staying together is that you both don't fall out of love at the same time. The fact that you haven't says to me that there still is a chance....baby just woke up.


  11. #11

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    I am sorry you are going through this. I can imagine you are hurting a lot. For me, it would be over the moment he said he said he did not love me. It is hard to see past the initial pain but you will have a better future moving on from someone who does not love you. Hugs to you.
    I completely agree! Good luck mama, I truly hope that everything works out the best it can.
    Karen (28), DF (28), DD (3), DS (2 months)


    Beanpop's Fluffy Butt Diapers *GRAND RE-OPENING 3/13*

  12. #12

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    I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. I hope that counseling helps, and that it helps you both realize where you need to be in your relationship...whether that means you are together or apart.

    DH and I have had moments of struggle after having babies. The toughest part is learning to readjust...DH was the center of my universe until DS1 came along. I had to learn how to care for a new person who completely depended on me without letting DH feel unloved or unimportant to me. It has been a hard road, but I would be devastated if he chose to throw in the towel. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, and hope that with time, things get easier.




  13. #13

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    I know many couples who went through a "trial separation/divorce" after the kids. PG and young children are hard on the marriage!!!!!! VERY HARD! Not for everyone, but for many many couples. You have done nothing wrong!

    I agree with counseling, couples or just for you. I also agree that you need to get to the root of the problem. It is very possible that you can work it out.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

  14. #14

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    Thanks everyone. I'm so torn with my own feelings, waiting another week till our counseling appt is going to be the longest week ever.

    I'm torn at the staying or leaving part. He hurt me, its been emotional abuse the last few fights, and this is just too much. He said he didn't love me anymore. As hard as its going to be Want to leave just to hurt him. I am also telling myself I Have more respect for myself and not going to settle for a man who has this little respect for me, our marriage and life together. While the other hand stays wait him out, he'll come around and we will be stronger for it... I know he's having a hard time and could possiably just be taking it out on me.

    I'm numb. I cry a little here and there, but mostly I am just numb. And angry.

  15. #15

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    I am so sorry you guys are going through this. I think at the least the counseling will let everyone know that you both tried. I hope it helps you guys. HUGS.

    ~*~Katrina~*~ Momma to Xander, Hayden & Lily (6) and Jericho (3 1/2)
    Trying to complete our family...My Ovulation Chart for my LAST try !

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