so hard to be typing this...

yesterday i was at motherhood maternity buying a new bra and shirt when i felt like i peed on myself.... i asked to use the bathroom and noticed i was GUSHING blood.... i freaked out and told DH we need to leave. i put on a new pad and walked from the store to the food court ( its a VERY tiny mall ) i soaked another pad just from walking 10 mins. i decided to just go straight to the ER and by the time i got there ( 4miles away ) i already went through that pad. the cramping and pain started to get really intence while i was at the ER in the waiting room. they wouldnt give me anything for the pain after 4 hrs of waiting in the waiting room they finally took me to the back and put me in a room... they ordered an IV and more blood work. shortly after a U/S tech came in to do and U/S... it turned out the fetus is still alive and moving with a HB of 145 but my cervix is open and there is blood around the placenta.

the doc wasnt very optimistic and told me most likely i'll miscarry i've seen this happen too many times for me to have hope. the doc told me not to use my doppler because the stress of finding the hb or not finding it can make me stress more. it just seems like when i was ready to announce i was pg all H3ll breaks loose. i came home and cried myself to sleep thinking " what did i ever do to deserve such heartach and pain." its so unfair. i told DH if i dont carry to term than i want to go back on BC because i cant handle this depression. i was so distraught and depressed today i didnt even want to go to church. i know my dad told the pastor and i'm not ready to talk to people about this. i just dont want to hear from everyone "oh everything happens for a reason, or i know how you feel. " it breaks my heart i might be leaving you guys. i was so sure that since i past the 1st tri everything would be ok and i wouldnt have anything to worry about. the depression eats me up and i dont know what to do.