Here I am....sitting at work, waiting for the clock to show 9:30pm so that I can clock out. I am just feeling discouraged. Hopeless. Helpless.
There isn't anything I can do right now. The **** days either go by too quickly, or to slowly. My DH just submitted another urine sample to see if the sperm is backing...we should have had these test results last week, but they failed to mention to us that the urine was to be collected within an hour of release. So, here I wait for Monday or Tuesday. Once those results come in, then we can schedule a proceedure that determines if his tubes are blocked.
Who knows when that will be scheduled.
Who knows how long that will take to get the results from.
Until we know the results....we can do nothing but continue into the holding pattern that we have been in since October. It feels like there is absoultuly NO end in site. Every time I see a pregnant belly, I wonder....will I ever get to have that? Will I ever be a mother to a child without fur?
I can't say any of this to my DH. He is having enought trouble dealing with the fact that he has no swimmers. The person I used to turn to when I was feeling down and questioning what to do has moved offices, and I no longer am able to sit and talk with her.
I keep telling myself to be patient, but it is not one of my strong points. I keep telling myself there is a reason for everything that happens, but it doesn't help the hurt. I try to have my DH's firm belief that this is fixable, but I know that isn't a given.
I keep telling myself that odds are that if I do have a child, it will turn out healthy, but because of where I work, that is difficult. This week alone, I have dealt with three different autistic kids, a boy who probably has substance induced schizophrenia, too many behavior issues to count, a child of 9 years who is probably bipolar, and the sweetest young man with Touretts and major anxiety. That is just what I have dealt with this week. This is a normal week with dealing with kids. Every day I go home, I wonder that if I have a child, will it be healthy?
It is so very difficult to "keep the faith" as a friend told me just recently. It is so hard to see kids come in here sometimes. I know that what I am feeling is pretty normal, I just wish some days I wouldn't feel at all.
1st of all, you are an amazing woman for working with these kids. I know it can be difficult especially when you work with these kids to not wonder what would happen if you had a baby. But if there is no history of disorders in your families then there is a very minimal chance that there would be any issues with your children.
Waiting does suck. I am sorry that you are not getting all the information that you need when you need it. I definitely understand the lack of patience as that is not 1 of my strong suits either. A positive attitude is key in such rough times and I know that is hard as well. As women, we take things a bit harder than the men do. What you are feeling is normal.
I hope that the weeks go by fast and that things start to look up for you. We are here for you to vent whenever you need.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so discouraged
Thinking of you and praying things turn a corner and fall into place soon...my heart sure goes out to you (((hugs)))