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Thread: Opinion question about birthing

  1. #1

    Default Opinion question about birthing

    I am so curious as to others opinions on this. Do you think the 'kind/type' of birth you have affects the attachment of your child to you?? You hear about those 'precious moments' right after you give birth when 'bonding happens' ..if baby is whisked away, passed around, ect, do you think it actually affects a long term bond?? I'm asking because I'm trying to study 'hypnobirthing' and they have a huge emphasis on 'gentle quiet birthing/bonding' and i'm trying to decide if I really buy into that aspect of it. With my first I yelled/screamed/cursed bloody murder for 10 hours while I was pushing her out... it wasn't peaceful in the least, and then when she came out, dr took her to examine her, etc, it was pretty typical, then she was passed back to me, and then to other family members, etc. I guess I believe that attachment is formed over time, responding to her needs, etc, and very little to do with actual birth experience, i'm wondering what you think? And then you hear about women who do water births because the 'transition' from womb to the outside world is some how affected by a few extra minutes in a bath tub....which I dont really see the logic in either but maybe there is? Would love to hear opinions on anything about this topic!! As I try to plan my upcoming birth!!!

  2. #2
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    I've had two vaginal births and with Cody a lot of family came into the room afterwards and held him. I still felt very bonded to him. With Sophia I breastfed her for the first couple of months and still felt bonded to her. Not as many people held her right away as they did with Cody. Honestly I felt a bit more bonded to Cody but, I think that had more to do with his birth was easier and more peaceful. Sophia's birth there was a lot of tension and drama. Its hard to know for sure.



  3. #3

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    Yes, I absolutely believe that the birth and circumstances surrounding it can affect bonding. BUT, I don't think there is any one "do it this way and everything is perfect" birth. People are different, have different needs, personalities, expectations, desires, etc. If you are a big people person and love your family and want everyone to be involved you are probably going to be happier/more easily bonded with your baby if everyone is there with you supposrting and sharing in the experience. You might have more trouble if it is quiet and lonely. And the opposite is true too, if you are a quiet introvert you might feel overwhelmed and traumatized to have everyone there being loud, taking your baby from you etc.

    I have been to home births of a couple friends. One had upbeat rather loud music on the whole time. At one point there were 16 adults there, and her other 4 children were milling around. She called her mother while still sitting in the pool before delivering the placenta while the rest of us cooed over the baby.

    The other had me, her hubby, midwife and attendent. She barely made a peep the entire labor. The rest of us were quiet too. The lights were low. She waited a couple hrs before having her own kids come see the baby.

    Both would say they had a great experience and bonded well. I suspect both would have been unhappy with the other's experience.

    If you want to scream and hand the baby off to someone else to hold when you are done, go for it. Donnt use someone elses ideal of a model birth dictate what you are comfortable with!

  4. #4

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    I also studied hypnobirthing and thought about that aspect of their teaching but I dont buy it. I am equally attached to both and one is a CS is a hospital, I didnt even want to hold him right away; the other was a homebirth. In fact Ds1 is more attached to me and ds2 is more independent by nature so while he is very bonded with me, he is also very attached to DH and my parents.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

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    If a particular circumstance were necessary for bonding, then no one who had kids another way would be bonded to their kids. Those that have C-sections, those that adopt children (young or older), all are bonded to their kids, althought hey don't go through hypnobirthing, or quiet births, or water births or whathaveyou. I'd venture a guess and say that it would be pretty rare, regardless of birthing experience, for a mother to not feel bonded to their child. What happens to that bond over time is a different story.

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    I don't buy into that. Bonding occurs when you meet your child's needs day in and day out. The whole 'birth experience' is for the mother's comfort/belief/wants/etc.

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    I don't feel like it did with me. I basically had the same birth experience with all 3 and bonded differently to each of them. My 3rd was my (for lack of a better term) worst birth experience. I was in horrific pain and totally traumatized. We were team green and I could seriously care less what they said she was because I just was so happy that part was over that I didn't even hear when they said it's a girl and then had little reaction to it anyway. In all 3 they handed them right to me and I was able to hold and nurse as long as I wanted. I ended up asking them to take DD3 because I was in so much pain and being stitched up (with no epidural) and the nurse and OB kept pushing on my stomach (omg that hurts so badly). So if I were to not be bonded to anyone it would be her but I feel just as bonded as I did with my others.

    It's hard for me to compare since all 3 were vaginal births in a hospital. Perhaps if I had a CS or homebirth it would be different...
    Thing 1 (7), Thing 2 (5), Thing 3 (2)

  8. #8

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    Okay, just for clarification, I am 100% talking about the BABY'S perspective. It actually didn't even occur to me to questions MY bonding. I already feel bonded with this baby, having it grow inside me and seeing/hearing/feeling, I'm good! Whether I have a peaceful, candle lit easy birth experience, or whether I'm under general anesthtic for a c-section, I dont question how *I* feel towards my baby. Even less than ideal circumstances...I may feel dissapointed or sad about not having it 'go my way' but when I read about the bonding, I just always assumed they were talking about how the baby bonds to the mother?? Is that not what is in questions when this topic comes up? (whether its water birth, skin to skin, breastfeeding) they are talking about how the baby's feelings? Maybe I've been reading this wrong haha! This is why I'm curious!!!

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    Do you know that newborns can recognize their mother's voice shortly after birth? They have been bonding with mom for 9 months already.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by lazy8 View Post
    I don't buy into that. Bonding occurs when you meet your child's needs day in and day out. The whole 'birth experience' is for the mother's comfort/belief/wants/etc.
    Agreed. I believe that c-section v vaginal/loud v silent, etc have absolutely zero to do with bonding, whether mother or baby.

    Flipping OP's question around, children with attachment disorders have them because of a marked lack of care and nurturing in their early developmental years - not because of the delivery method or whether mom expressed feeling too much pain in delivery. (In fact, if that were true, then the best bonded moms/kids should be those few who had to be put under general anesthesia. Doubt that's what the hypnobabies people intend.)
    Last edited by ibisgirldc; 01-15-2013 at 07:42 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ibisgirldc View Post
    Agreed. I believe it has absolutely zero to do with bonding, whether mother or baby.

    Flipping OP's question around, children with attachment disorders have them because of a marked lack of care and nurturing in their early developmental years - not because of the delivery method or whether mom expressed feeling too much pain.
    Yes.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    Oh I thought you meant the mother's bond to the baby, sorry. I still don't think it matters.
    Thing 1 (7), Thing 2 (5), Thing 3 (2)

  13. #13

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    Quote Originally Posted by ibisgirldc View Post
    Agreed. I believe it has absolutely zero to do with bonding, whether mother or baby.

    Flipping OP's question around, children with attachment disorders have them because of a marked lack of care and nurturing in their early developmental years - not because of the delivery method or whether mom expressed feeling too much pain.
    Yes, exactly! .... the emphasis on the 'birth experience' within the hypobirthing method sounds a little 'quacky' to me.. as much as I love the other aspects of hypnobirthing.. this topic just stumped me a bit!

  14. #14

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    But it can't hurt, in general, to learn some methods to relax or calm oneself through what - if one's fortunate - will be the most painful experience of one's lifetime. Even if a mom chooses pain relief, techniques might be helpful in the wait til that becomes available or because pain relief, for most, isn't intended to be 100%. Or b/c the techniques will help tame anxiety, manage through hours of pushing, or deal with unexpected circumstances (which describes most births, I'd think). I may be wrong, but 't most methods (with or without branded names) try to teach some form of relaxation, focus, etc to assist a mom to success.

    Whether the explanation of why it matters is legit... well, perhaps it doesn't matter if one finds the breathing, etc to be useful? (e.g., I like yoga sometimes but probably like most, I don't believe in the religious facets of the practice.)
    Last edited by ibisgirldc; 01-15-2013 at 07:56 PM.

  15. #15

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    I had a horrible birth experience. Didn't get to hold or touch my baby for 4 days or nurse him for 5 days. Horrible. Nonetheless, we had a successful breastfeeding relationship for 16 months. We bonded very well, and he loves his mommy. I have "issues" from my birth experience...bonding is not one of them.
    Formerly cdcy1973


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    I don't think it matters. We had a C section. If my child were any more bonded to me, she'd live under my skin. My neighbor's daughter is adopted. She is extremely close to her mom.

  17. #17

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    My CS baby is definitely more attached to me than my homebirthed baby. I think it is totally their nature. And i third the statement that attachement disorders have zero relation to the birth.

    Naturally, a calm and peaceful birth is very helpful for bonding, nursing and transition to motherhood. But it is day to day caring that forms attachment, plus, in my experience the child's temperament is also important. It is not that my second one is not attached, he is bonded and attached, but not to the extent my first one is.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

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    Yes, as for the baby bonding with the mother it really depends on the care received as an infant and young child. Nurturing, loving care leads to a child who loves the care giver (and has the ability to love people/care givers in the future).
    Jessica (32) and Ryan (32). Madelyn born August 5, 2009; Malachi born December 23, 2010 and Nathaniel born July 19, 2013. Lost a loved baby 02/29/12, 05/14/12 and 07/05/12 all due a serious allergic reaction to fabric softener.
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    I agree with PP. I don't think the type of birth experience has anything to do with the baby bonding. I believe they are born with a natural NEED to bond, regardless of the circumstances they are born by.

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    Quote Originally Posted by KC's wifey View Post
    I agree with PP. I don't think the type of birth experience has anything to do with the baby bonding. I believe they are born with a natural NEED to bond, regardless of the circumstances they are born by.
    Agreed.

    My ds was born premature via c/s, went through a year of drug withdrawal/after-effects, and two years in foster care. When we adopted him he attached to me very quickly (he had a fantastic foster mom from birth...so thankful for her).

    I've never heard of a baby not bonding because of how they were birthed unless there was brain trauma. Like pps said attachment issues are a result of neglect.
    Dh (39) Me (37) 8bio 1adopted, 14 angels






  21. #21

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    Ok so I will be the lone wolf here and say I do think her birth has had a lasting impact on her. Well maybe not specifically the actual birth, but the days immediately following. She developed severe enough jaundice that she had to go to the nursery overnight under triple bili-lights. I was only allowed to come in and nurse her every 3 hours for 20 minutes, then she had to go back under the lights. She went from being in my womb to being in my arms and nursing constantly to laying in a warmer under blue lights for 24 hours. I think we were both traumatized. At 4 yrs old she still isn't ok with accepting comfort from anyone other than me, doesn't like me to leave her for even short periods (when she was younger it was impossible), is very much all.about.mom. I can't help but think her experience affected her. It stands to reason in my mind that if her experience at 3 days old can effect her, then why not birth too?

  22. #22

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    Quote Originally Posted by MomOfAnOnly View Post
    Ok so I will be the lone wolf here and say I do think her birth has had a lasting impact on her. Well maybe not specifically the actual birth, but the days immediately following. She developed severe enough jaundice that she had to go to the nursery overnight under triple bili-lights. I was only allowed to come in and nurse her every 3 hours for 20 minutes, then she had to go back under the lights. She went from being in my womb to being in my arms and nursing constantly to laying in a warmer under blue lights for 24 hours. I think we were both traumatized. At 4 yrs old she still isn't ok with accepting comfort from anyone other than me, doesn't like me to leave her for even short periods (when she was younger it was impossible), is very much all.about.mom. I can't help but think her experience affected her. It stands to reason in my mind that if her experience at 3 days old can effect her, then why not birth too?
    We had a situation immediately following birth that I do believe affected my son. The time after DS1's birth was pretty traumatic. I got to hold him in my arms for about 15-20 minutes, before I was whisked away for emergency surgery. I remember hearing him scream in his little bassinet as I was being wheeled away. To this day, he has extreme separation anxiety, and he is very anxious in general. The actually labor and birth were pretty peaceful, though.

    I did encounter a very stressful encounter at work when I was 37 weeks pg, which included my getting really upset. I ended up leaving work bleeding and delivering the next day. So, the beginning of his labor was not peaceful. He was born over 2 weeks early, and to this day , I still wonder if that stress led to my labor starting a little earlier. In the beginning, he just did not seem ready to be out of the womb. He was perfectly healthy, but really high needs.

  23. #23

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    I don't know. I've had two c-sections and I don't feel a lack of bond with my kids. My youngest is like attached at the hip to me and my oldest has always been more independent. They had pretty much exactly the same experience of birth and the first few days, the only difference I can think of is that DS1 had trouble breastfeeding because I had inverted nipples. There were a lot of sleepless nights in the first few weeks. DS2 had no trouble nursing at all, they gave me him in the OR recovery room and he latched right on.
    Last edited by Dreya; 01-16-2013 at 07:09 AM.
    Megan (29) and Jayson (31) Happily married 9 years



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    I don't believe that they type of birth you have is going to affect the bonding you have with your child. Look at adoptive parents. They bond with their children just as natural mothers do. I think it depends on each individual person. ETA: I had a long labor and emergency c-section. None of which was in my birthplan. I had long term negative effects such as DeQuarvain's (like carpal tunnel) due to pregnancy in general and sciatic nerve damage from laboring. I also had difficulty breastfeeding. None of that affected my bonding or long term relationship with my daughter.
    Last edited by Julbella78; 01-16-2013 at 08:19 AM.



  25. #25
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    I do think that the days/weeks following the birth can affect a baby. Newborns are high needs and have a strong need for their mother. But as for if a baby is born in water or in the hospital or at home or via c-section or induced or in the car on the way to the hospital... whatever; that's not going to change the bonding of the baby to their mother. I think the situation of the birth affects the mother more than the baby. That's just my theory, since babies can't tell us. But like I said, I think babies are born with an innate need to bond, regardless of the type of birth.

  26. #26

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    I haven't read the PP's, but wanted to answer since our situation was a little unique, and I've had different birth experiences with each child.

    DS1 was 3 months premature. He was born via c-section, and altho I heard his tiny kitten-like cry, I did not get to actually see him until he was almost 2 days old and I didn't hold him until he was 1 week old. The Nurses in the NICU were awesome about sending pictures to my room in that period when I was unable to leave my hospital room. I can say that the second I laid eyes on the sweet baby, I was in love. I had a very hard time with the transition from being pregnant to not being pregnant...wrapping my head around it. Mostly because I didn't see that transition, I suppose? I had no problems bonding with him, though, nor he with myself (as far as I could tell). I stayed at his bedside every day, did kangaroo care every day that I could, etc. Those things were highly encouraged by the hospital.

    DS2 was born via c-section, but he was not whisked away as quickly. After his birth, DH held him by me so I could see him, and then he and the Nurse took DS to the Nursery while my surgery was being finished and while I was in recovery. I actually held DS after I was out of recovery.

    DD was also a c-section, but I got to keep her with me during the remainder of my surgery as well as during recovery and even got to nurse her with the help of a LC during my recovery period.

    I can say that my bonding with each child (or theirs with me) was no different, despite different labor experiences and circumstances for each.
    Last edited by sparks3; 01-16-2013 at 08:47 AM.




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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    If a particular circumstance were necessary for bonding, then no one who had kids another way would be bonded to their kids. Those that have C-sections, those that adopt children (young or older), all are bonded to their kids, althought hey don't go through hypnobirthing, or quiet births, or water births or whathaveyou. I'd venture a guess and say that it would be pretty rare, regardless of birthing experience, for a mother to not feel bonded to their child. What happens to that bond over time is a different story.

    Exactly. I am not going to give birth but expect to be pretty bonded with my baby. Some friends of ours from our adoption group brought home their little boy a few months ago and they are extremely bonded to him. I have also talked with parents who have had a biological child and adopted one and they say that there is no difference in the bond.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    Quote Originally Posted by futuresoccermom View Post
    Okay, just for clarification, I am 100% talking about the BABY'S perspective. !!!
    Again I would say NO. My friends baby didn't come home with them until he was 4 weeks old. Before that he was in a bridge care home (a temp placement until parental rights are terminated). It doesn't take long for a newborn to bond with their parents and he bonded to them pretty quickly.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  29. #29

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    But again, ds1 who was never whisked away and was with dad or me immedaitely after cs has had severe separation anxiety. Still has it but has improved. Cannot sleep alone still. So IMO and IME it is more personal traits and problems unless there are extreme circumstances. My mother says i was exactly like this. She had easy peaceful birth and held me non stop from birth. Nothing traumatic.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

  30. #30

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    I can think of many examples in our circle of friends and family where traumatic birth and stay in the NICU had bonded and easy going babies whereas normal easy birth produced some extremely high needs children. My best freind being the best example with her first one who was born not breathing and spent so much time away from her to revive and on support and her easy born baby is shy, anti social and cannot separate at the age of 4.
    KEVIN (6) & MATTHEW (4)

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