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Thread: Talked to SW about other sibling

  1. #1
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    Default Talked to SW about other sibling

    So I finally got up the nerve to talk to the SW today about the little boy and told her that we would have him come live with us too if the need ever arose. She said that he's not in any kind of care at all. He's not in foster or kinship care. So...why does he get visits at social services each week? I don't get it. I'm assuming it's just because the mom is there and maybe the mom has to go through social services to see him because the court said so...I don't know. She said he's not one of their cases though so he must be with a family member or something. Just makes me so confused and so nervous about the petition. I mean, if it's a family member that wants her, especially the person with the little boy, then they'll probably get her. Seems it'd pretty much be a done deal to me. But at the same time, wouldn't they have gone to them first before putting her in care? I would assume at the hospital they would contact anyone they could find that might be able to take her to prevent her going into any kind of care. I know they can't always contact everyone who is a possibility, but I would think the first thing they would do is look to where her other kids are and try to get her with them. If so, then the person who filed the petition wouldn't be them and we may have a chance. I feel like we have no chance at all if the people who filed are the people with the other child. I feel she'll automatically be sent to live with them no matter what just because her brother is there.

    I feel like all I do sometimes is worry about who filed and wish I knew so bad who it was. I feel like I'd feel better if I knew something, anything. They just act like we aren't allowed to know anything and I don't understand why. I realize there's confidentiality but we're not asking for names or addresses, all we're asking for is it someone who is really a candidate. I know they can't guarantee that either and that it's the judges decision. But that's precisely why I can't figure out why we aren't allowed to know. Why can't they say "Oh it's her aunt and she has the little boy too" or something vague like that. It's not like it would change anything in the case. We certainly have no rights so it wouldn't make us more likely to get her knowing who filed the petition. I'm just so worried about it. I feel like everything in me wants to fight so hard to keep her and it just sucks to not even be able to fight. I know all we can do is do the best we can while we have her and I know that we'll be okay eventually if she has to leave because we've prepared ourselves as much as possible for it, but I can't stop worrying anyway. I hate having no info on anything. Sometimes we go to visits and we try so hard to make sure everyone is comfortable and happy and I know it's the right thing to do and we do care about birth mom and worry about her too, but sometimes I wonder if all the stress we put on ourselves to be perfect is going to be for nothing. I know even if she leaves it's not for nothing but it feels like it sometimes. Like why try so hard and why try to be perfect if it won't even make a difference and no one will care in the end? Ugh! Visitation day tends to make me really depressed for a few hours. I wish it didn't.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  2. #2
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    Is there a chance that the kids have different dads? If that is the case, it could be that he is with his dad's family....which doesn't have a connection to her.
    Or it could be that maybe she signed away rights to him and did a private placement but his parents allow her to have visits...like an open adoption?

    I am sorry that you have to worry so much. It is really unfair to all involved that the process isn't smoother or shorter.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  3. #3
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    I think they do have two different dads. At first, I wondered if it was the same dad cause the kids look so much alike, but they look like mom. I know that baby girl's dad is apparently being very difficult and refuses to believe she's his child and apparently doesn't want anything to do with it. Seems like maybe he sort of conned mom into a relationship then hightailed it once she got pregnant or at least that's what it sounds like when she talks about it. She said he's given her no support and it's been really bad. If whoever filed the petition was with baby girl's father's family then they'd be considered blood relatives though...so it's not anyone there. If it's someone with mom's family (which it must be) it can't be her mom or her grandfather...again they'd be blood relatives. I just hope it's the person she lives with because I know she'll stay with us if that's the case.

    The little boy is still going through court proceedings. I'm not sure how exactly. She used to get overnight visits with him and they were suspended because of the place she lived in. She said his case went back to court and she just got visits with him again. Their visits are on the same day usually but we've only seem him once. I'm not sure if he meets her there and then goes to her house now or what. I just can't figure out why he goes through social services if he isn't one of their cases. Weird...wish it all made more sense. I Agree it should be smoother and shorter or at least one or the other.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  4. #4

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    My cousin gave voluntary permanent custody to my aunt and visitation went through CPS until she stopped showing. Even when the 2nd child was removed he went to her mother. Then when child 3 was removed he went to foster care and then a different aunt. Child 2 and 3 have the same dad. There could be a chance they asked that other person and they said no. My aunt would have said no because her now son has a lot of issues, as do both his siblings. It's very sad but it would have been way too much for any of them to have the boys together. It really just depends on what is going on. I know it isn't the answer you are looking for just trying to give you an example.

    Just hoping all these babies end up with good people and parents.

    Mommy to Piper 6/5/09 and an 11/2011
    Make a pregnancy ticker

  5. #5
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    That makes sense actually. I was trying to figure out why he would still be at social services if he wasn't in care. I didn't realize it could still go through them without him being one of the cases they have. I guess if it's visitation was decided on in court (and mom indicated that it was) then it makes sense they'd go through CPS or DSS or something. I guess we really just won't know anything until the day of court. It'd be nice to know what the chances are to prepare us a little or to somehow prepare us for the worst. It's hard to prepare yourself for the worst because it's hard seeing this little angel every day to not have some hope. I'm assuming whoever has the little boy said no since he seems to have been with them for a while now. There's an older child too, he's 12, and she doesn't see him anymore so she may have no ties with that person...he may have been adopted, I have no idea. I guess she's the first of the children to actually be placed in care though. According to mom the entire family dynamic is pretty bad too and there is a serious lack of support, which was another concern CPS had. I feel awful for hoping it's someone who can't get her or who just filed to make the mom feel better and that it won't work out. I feel awful for thinking that but I think it every day. At least we know if she has to go it'll be sort of gradual and won't be like she's snatched away in a day. It helps a little to know there's a transition period.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27) DH (30) Diagnosed PCOS and Stage 1 Endometriosis/Diagnosed CVID 2007

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    Is there a chance that the kids have different dads? If that is the case, it could be that he is with his dad's family....which doesn't have a connection to her.
    Or it could be that maybe she signed away rights to him and did a private placement but his parents allow her to have visits...like an open adoption?

    I am sorry that you have to worry so much. It is really unfair to all involved that the process isn't smoother or shorter.
    This. It could be that the kid is with dad's family, with some designated, legal caregiver, or in the open adoption where the parents are petitioning the ct to restrict mom's rights due to the latest incidents that had the sister pulled. Could be that at 12, the son is ready to ask the ct to sever ties (10 is the trigger for a kid to say that they do not want to be adopted; not sure about visitation) or to get more. Could be lots of things that don't have any direct impact on your situation.

    but it's awful that you have to go through such uncertainty. I don't look forward to that for our family (and read your angst as if i am standing in your shoes... wondering if and how I'll deal)... Hang in there.

  7. #7

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    I'm always thinking about you and this sweet girl. I hope she gets to stay with you.
    Mommy to Lilliana (10/2006) & Summer (10/2011)!




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