How do you handle?

[lindsay1981]

Being argumentative and defiance?
Olivia argues with almost everything I say...
For example - "mom can I have a cookie (at 9am)?"
"Not right now but if you eat a good lunch maybe you can have one for dessert."
"Yes I can." And then is relentlessly having a fit/repeatedly asking for the cookie. I've tried ignoring without much success, she will just follow me around and say "mom, yes I can have a cookie."
She responds to most all directives from me with "no, I won't", "yes I can" arguing with pretty much everything I say or any adult for that matter. We are staying with my in-laws right now and she speaks to her grandparents the same way (something that really has me needing to figure out how to handle this).

Tonight I asked her to help me clean up the toy mess before bath. She old me no. I asked her 3 more times to help and she would not so I brought her up for bath where she proceeded to have a fit, scream, cry for 30 minutes.

Her overall tone with people, adults in general is not acceptable, she is becoming sassy and rude. I know she is only 3 and we have been talking to her about the appropriate way to speak to others and what words we expect her to use..ie. asking her to try again if the way she is talking is rude or sassy. Politeness and respect of others, especially grown-ups is important to me and the same was expected of me growing up.

Anyone have any suggestions? I'm losing patience quick with this stuff.

[JJorn]

That is simple defiance and my three year old has consequences for that. She usually gets a timeout or loses a privilege (you can't come to the store with me since you haven't been a good listener, etc). If she won't clean up her toys she isn't allowed to do anything else that she might want to do.

[Suja]

The toy one is easy. The rule here is that if she doesn't take care of her toys, they get given to someone that will. I don't expect that she will do it all by herself perfectly, so I tell her that I will help her clean up. I do not make empty threats, and it took the loss of exactly one toy before she figured that out.

The arguing, I generally ignore. What I usually do is to ask her to repeat back to me what my answer was, so I know that she heard me. But, with conditional stuff (like having a cookie after lunch), I also tell her up front that if she decides to argue about my response, my 'maybe' will turn into a 'NO'. I do not engage if she decides to pursue the matter, and when possible, will get her engaged her in something else to distract her.

I also do a lot of rewarding for appropriate behavior or use of words, just telling her how proud I am that she was kind/generous/polite, that she should be proud of herself, because that's how big girls behave, and comparing/contrasting with her behavior when she was a "baby" (like last week), and she gets hugs/kisses/pats on the back. And sometimes, I spontaneously reward her with an M&M or candy. I find that this sort of thing tends to stick, because the next time something like that happens, she will actually talk about how she is a big girl and how she behaved when she was a baby and didn't know better.

[preciousnd98]

I could have written this word for word (including the name)! We have been having trouble with this a lot lately, too. I have been trying to do time outs and other fitting consequences when she gets sassy, and it is hit or miss if they work depending on her overall attitude. I think a lot of my Olivia's issue is that she refuses to take a nap but desperately needs one. I try to do rest time each day in her room, and lately it seems to be dictated by her behavior. When she gets stubborn and starts whining and screaming about not getting her way, then that is our cue that she needs her time up in her room.

[MomOfAnOnly]

I get major attitude from my DD at times. When she's being mean and demanding things, whatever it is, I usually tell her that's not the polite way to ask for something and she's not allowed to speak to me (or grandma or dad) that way. That is usually enough to get her to change her tone. If she continues to do it over and over she has to go sit on her bed until she's ready to come out and be nice. If it goes that far she usually ends up throwing a huge screaming, yelling, kicking fit. Once she's calmed down we talk about how she will never get what she wants by being rude and mean to people, and we talk about how sad it makes me (gram, dad) feel to be talked to that way.

[lindsay1981]

I get major attitude from my DD at times. When she's being mean and demanding things, whatever it is, I usually tell her that's not the polite way to ask for something and she's not allowed to speak to me (or grandma or dad) that way. That is usually enough to get her to change her tone. If she continues to do it over and over she has to go sit on her bed until she's ready to come out and be nice. If it goes that far she usually ends up throwing a huge screaming, yelling, kicking fit. Once she's calmed down we talk about how she will never get what she wants by being rude and mean to people, and we talk about how sad it makes me (gram, dad) feel to be talked to that way.

Have you noticed that this helps? Is she exhibiting the behavior less and less? It seems like we are in the thick of it right now and so far, most things I've tried, are not working. This morning when I told her "you don't speak to me that way", her response was "yes I will." She sat in her room for a few minutes after that response but I was about to come out of my skin it made me so mad.

[Suja]

It's really hard to do, but it's really, really, really important to not let them get under your skin. I've noticed that my DD often says/does things just to see how I react. If I don't or remain dispassionate while she gets the consequence for her actions, she's less likely to repeat.

[hotpinkmomma0811]

The toy one is easy. The rule here is that if she doesn't take care of her toys, they get given to someone that will. I don't expect that she will do it all by herself perfectly, so I tell her that I will help her clean up. I do not make empty threats, and it took the loss of exactly one toy before she figured that out.

The arguing, I generally ignore. What I usually do is to ask her to repeat back to me what my answer was, so I know that she heard me. But, with conditional stuff (like having a cookie after lunch), I also tell her up front that if she decides to argue about my response, my 'maybe' will turn into a 'NO'. I do not engage if she decides to pursue the matter, and when possible, will get her engaged her in something else to distract her.

I also do a lot of rewarding for appropriate behavior or use of words, just telling her how proud I am that she was kind/generous/polite, that she should be proud of herself, because that's how big girls behave, and comparing/contrasting with her behavior when she was a "baby" (like last week), and she gets hugs/kisses/pats on the back. And sometimes, I spontaneously reward her with an M&M or candy. I find that this sort of thing tends to stick, because the next time something like that happens, she will actually talk about how she is a big girl and how she behaved when she was a baby and didn't know better.

I agree with this 1110% Also, its totally a phase Cody does this but, luckily its only with me not with the grandparent which the exception of sometimes my mother.