I am seeing a therapist I finally she her again after 3 weeks because of all the holidays. I am on Wellburtin and have weaned totally off of Pristiq. Anyways my therapist and I have talked about Sophia's birth though it was vaginal it was still emotionally traumatic to me though I feel like such a baby. I wrote a hypothetical letter to my ob/gyn (obviously did not send it out) with my feelings I ripped it up to let go of the nasty grudge. I still have these moments in the dark corner of my mind of the "what ifs". I do not see that ob/gyn anymore I get my exams from my family doctor. There are triggers to my emotions. Music from Cody's Thomas the train book is one of them because Cody listened to book a lot and sang along to it when I was pregnant with Sophia and when I was nursing her and he'd play in his room. I want to cry when I hear that music. Its awful. Its happy music for children but, I cry typing this out. I will tell my therapist this too. I thought I was over it. I thought I've moved on. I had to bit my lip to hold back the tears last night and pretended to happy. I don't understand. I feel the same way when I hear another trigger when I've opened Sophia's jewelry box with music. The holidays are always hard for me too. I am glad they are over truth be told if it were for the kids I wouldn't celebrate it adds to the bad memories of stress and depression that stem back from when I was a small child. Its a nasty doom feeling and to make matters worst a death happened as I posted the other day of a young man 24 that died during the holidays class of 2007 in my old hs. All I want to do is to be alone. I can't be alone obviously. I do my best around the house. I am also in pain head to toe. I finally can see my chiropractor again after 2-3 months of not seeing her due to insurance reasons it was maxed out. I don't know if its simple depression, lingering P.D.D. with bad memories of the birth, or PTSD. If nobody has advice I ask for prayers for God to give me strength to get through this rough patch.