Infant Funerals

[CamaLamaMama]

When we got the news about Nathaniel being anacephalic I knew right away that my little guy is going to die. I instantly started thinking about funeral arrangements. We met with a funeral director to talk about options a couple months ago. Now that everything is getting closer we have been leaning towards not having a full funeral. My pastor is coming to baptize the babies together at the hospital and we are thinking about doing something private for just us during that. I think that's all I can handle, but I feel like I need to do more for him. I don't know what to do. Any input either way or experience?

[DucksLikeRain]

We had a funeral for Taela. Never again. It was so hard for me. For the others we had a graveside memorial and that was perfect. A prayer, a quick reminder of our views on eternal families. Still tears, but it just was a lot easier than a full funeral.

[MaryJane]

I'm so sorry you even have to make these decisions. I had a client whose baby died hours after birth due to a birth defect. They had a graveside service. It was small, family and close friends only. They had a friend who played the guitar play and sang a couple songs and the pastor said a few words. Just remember that you should do what feels right for you. I think of you and what you are facing every day.

[CamaLamaMama]

I should have added that we aren't doing a burial for Nathaniel. We would like to donate his body to science for research, the body will be returned as ashes. We wanted him cremated even if it is decided that his body cannot be donated because we have talked about moving to be closer to his family since his sisters have kids around our kids' ages. I can't bury him knowing that we may leave, I don't want to leave him behind. I want to have him with me. I just don't want to regret what I do.

Tif I love the new siggy pic.

Thanks Mary Jane. I appreciate the thoughts.

[sookie4415]

I lost my 2nd child at 5 months of age...Benjamin. I felt very much the same as you, not wanting to bury him because we knew where we were was not our forever home. In the end, I also could not cremate him...so we chose to bury him when the church explained to me that if we do move we can have his casket exhumed and transport him whereever we decide to go and at that time the church even gives us our plot fee(which was 400) back. So that is what we opted for...

It's such a hard choice to make, but I wanted to explain my experience to you in hopes that it might make yours easier...

((hugs)) mama

I should have added that we aren't doing a burial for Nathaniel. We would like to donate his body to science for research, the body will be returned as ashes. We wanted him cremated even if it is decided that his body cannot be donated because we have talked about moving to be closer to his family since his sisters have kids around our kids' ages. I can't bury him knowing that we may leave, I don't want to leave him behind. I want to have him with me. I just don't want to regret what I do.

Tif I love the new siggy pic.

Thanks Mary Jane. I appreciate the thoughts.

[mla]

I think that you should do what you're comfortable with. If a full funeral feels overwhelming (and I can totally see why it would), don't do it. You'll find many ways to honor your boy. A funeral isn't necessary to do that. Remember that a funeral is for those left behind, and if it won't bring you comfort, there's no need for it.

I know we don't "know" each other, but I think of you often and am just so very sorry that these are things you even need to think about.

[handsdown]

I am so sorry that you have to face this decision.

We did a full funeral for Tyler. It was REALLY hard but in retrospect I am glad we did it. So many people were supportive of us through his HLHS diagnosis and after his birth that I felt it important for them to have a way to say goodbye as well. I also found comfort in all the support that everyone offered us at the service. He was cremated as well so we didn't have the option of a graveside service.

[sookie4415]

we did this as well, and it was equally difficult and hard for us... my reasoning was because it was the last thing I would ever get to do for my little boy, i picked the songs, the readings...everything and it helped me heal knowing the funeral went as I had planned it would go. It sucked...totally sucked. Something I wish I never had to do, but glad that I am the one who did those things for my sweet boy that I miss so terribly.

I am so sorry that you have to face this decision.

We did a full funeral for Tyler. It was REALLY hard but in retrospect I am glad we did it. So many people were supportive of us through his HLHS diagnosis and after his birth that I felt it important for them to have a way to say goodbye as well. I also found comfort in all the support that everyone offered us at the service. He was cremated as well so we didn't have the option of a graveside service.

[LanceBabe]

I agree with the others. Do what feels comfortable for YOU. You can honor your baby boy without that, so why put yourself through it if it's only going to bring you more heartache rather than comfort? Big hugs for what you're going through. I think of you often, even though I can't say we've talked here that much. I just can't imagine what you're going through.

[twinmom34]

I can see where a full funeral would be extremely difficult. Since you are donating his body to science you may look into a possible gathering at the hospital chapel while you are still in the hospital. Here where I work I have seen that done many times with the hospital chaplain or the family's private priest/preacher/etc... saying a few sweet words with a lullabye and letting all know Nathaniel is going to help other babies through the research he will provide. That way you can have it taken care of while you are still hosptialized and family is present.

[hotpinkmomma0811]

No advice but my heart goes out to you. No mother should ever have to make these decisions.

[lindsay1p]

No advice but I'm so sorry, no one should ever have to plan a funeral for a baby. I think its amazing that you are donating baby to science.