My best friend dropped the bomb today (well it was a bomb from my perspective) that she and her DH will start TTC this month.My heart just sank 'cause I already know she's going to get PG within a few months and I'm still going to be here trying to figure things out. To add insult to injury, in the time I've known her I've been trying long enough that she's already gotten PG, had that baby, baby is now 8 months old and they are trying again. I just want to throw a pity party because here she is all excited about TTC #2 and I really am not happy at all for her. I feel horrible about that but if/when she gets PG and I'm still STC...it's gonna be like a gut punch. I know it will be awful for me.

Not to mention I already had to live through her previous pregnancy in which she complained about everything and always said how much she hated being PG because she had morning sickness pretty much the whole time and aches and pains. Dude, I would throw up every day for 9 months if it meant another baby! It just sucks 'cause I can't be completely 100% happy/excited for her and I feel like a bad friend as a result.

To her credit she did ask me if I hate her to which I answered no. She knows my struggle so she does feel guilt I guess? (another thing I feel bad about. I don't want her to feel bad for moving forward with her life just because of me.) I did tell her that if she gets PG fairly quickly, that no lie-it will be a hard pill to swallow. I can already feel myself wanting to retreat from her and she's not even PG yet. Last time she was PG it was easy to avoid her because she had a crazy work schedule but now she's part time so we hang out at least once a week.

I feel so lame for feeling this way. It's normal though, right? Or am I a terrible person?