I'm so stressed and emotional I don't know how to avoid it and stay healthy *VENT SESSION*

[MaMa2boys]

My MIL is dying.. she's had stage 4 lung cancer diagnosed since April of this year, its turned metastatic and is now in lymph nodes and spinal fluid. This causes her to now have delusions and be extremely confused. It's so painful to watch one of the strongest people I've known succumb to this darkness. She found out she had cancer a month before her 50th birthday

She was just put on hospice and as the family we were informed she has about 6 months, and that's optimistic. Being a nurse I feel like I could help her be comfortable and help her remain at home with her parents but because I'm pregnant I'm extremely limited on what I can do anymore. She requires 24 hour care and with my boys and being pregnant I can't do it, and I honestly don't trust that anyone else can either at home but they are going to bring her home.. I can't make them understand how hard it is. Her parents are in their 70s and have a 24 year old grandson and his gf that live there along with a 23 yo granddaughter her 1 year old baby and a 56 year old son that is very shady.. and various stragglers that hang out with the others. It's just to much chaos!! Everyone is saying they will all pitch in and help but I don't trust that the younger ones and the older son for that matter can do it, or will. She requires 24 hour care with EVERYTHING, she is incapable of caring for herself in any capacity. And I also am nervous because there is a history of drug abuse by the older son, and she will be going home with very strong narcotics for pain control.

As the children (My DH and his 2 sisters) we are leaning to the health center that I work because we do offer hospice care. She would be cared for by licensed staff 24hr a day and have all her needs met with reliable pain management and comfort. Family are more than welcome and enouraged to still remain in the room with her as long as they are comfortable and have access to a bed in room and comfortable furniture as well as limited food pantry and meals provided by the facility. But her mother (our grandmother) decided to play the power of attorney card and gave up listening to our concerns. They are going to move her into a premade shed that was used for a sewing room, with no running water but does have electricity. It's about the size of a smaller bedroom. This will need to house a hospital bed and at the very least oxygen and basic medical supplies which I think willb e extremely tight. Let alone room for a comfortable seat/bed for the person doing the care for her. The other idea that everyone has is to place her in the living room.. I am totally 100% against this! I think it's ridiculous and inconsiderate to even think that this extremely private, independent, strong woman be put on display where everyone walks past daily and watch her deteriorate. She would be so angry and I can't believe they would even suggest such a thing. It's bad enough that she's going to have her family taking care of her daily needs and I know she is already uncomfortable with the idea.

BLAHHHHHHHHH It's so stressful. I don't technically have any say and I feel like both sides keep coming to me because I'm the middle person and have all the medical knowledge. I see good points on each side and I'm so torn up. I'm starting to get grouchy and I snapped last night when DH cousin mentioned that the holidays are going to be rough this year..

"OH ya they will be, try being pregnant with a baby that will never know it's grandma. Or hearing her cry and apologize for not being able to make it to see her last grandbaby"

I need a break and there is no possible way to get away from it!

It's so stressful because it seems like there is really no compromise!!

[stefanyeileen]

Popping in from March DD...

I'm so very sorry to hear what you are going through. She must has non-small cell?

My Dad (57 years old) was diagnosed February 14 with small cell lung cancer. When he was diagnosed, it had spread to his brain, liver and spleen. So, the Dr pretty much stated 3 months without treatment and 6-9 months, possibly a year, with treatment. My Dad did treatment and ended up passing away June 1. So, 3.5 months WITH treatment. Thankfully for us, he was only really bad for a couple days. We were able to get him out and do the things he loved in those 3 months - including taking him to the casino a week before he passed.

As I'm sure you are already aware, taking care of a dying person is HARD. My Dad was on Hospice for only 2 days. Since my Dad didn't want to die in a hospital or nursing facility, we kept him at home which meant someone had to monitor him 24/7. My Mom worked overnights so between her nights off and us 3 kids (I have 2 brothers) - we all took turns staying at the house.

I wish I could give you some advice but I'm at a loss for words. Before dealing with my father passing away this year, I would tell you "take it easy and one day at a time" but when you are actually in the situation, that advice sems worthless.

I guess time is precious - so try and spend lots of with her.

The hardest thing I'm dealing with is my Dad will never get to know my child. This is my first child and I found out I was pregnant a month after he passed.... so super hard.

[stefanyeileen]

Oh yes, my other suggestion is fight for what SHE wants - not everyone else.

We bought an expensive reclining chair which we put in the living room - my Dad loved the chair so he spend 85% of his time there. Towards the end, he didn't want to lie in bed - he wanted to sit in his chair (easier for him to breathe, I think).

We just tried to honor what Dad would have wanted....

[Lunarmoon]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this with your family! I hope that they all decide what is best for her. I lost my Aunt a few years ago, and even though it's been some time I still feel the pain that she won't be here to see the baby! I'm so sorry that you have to worry about that with someone that means so much to you. I wish I could say something that would help, but I don't think anything I say will ease your pain. Lots of positive vibes for you and your family.

[Babidol]

I lost a friend a couple of years ago to lung cancer that metastasized. She was 49. Moving her into a nursing home was one of the hardest things we had to do but in the end she was way more comfortable. Her friends were bathing her and taking care of her food and meds and dr appts but in the end she needed more care then any of us could give or that she wanted us doing. It's so tough to watch. I'm so sorry. I think maybe talking through your DH might be the only way to get this across to the family. Do what you can but until they see the full extent of her needs I doubt they will listen. I'm sure many of them have no real idea what this will entail.

[MaMa2boys]

Popping in from March DD...

I'm so very sorry to hear what you are going through. She must has non-small cell?

My Dad (57 years old) was diagnosed February 14 with small cell lung cancer. When he was diagnosed, it had spread to his brain, liver and spleen. So, the Dr pretty much stated 3 months without treatment and 6-9 months, possibly a year, with treatment. My Dad did treatment and ended up passing away June 1. So, 3.5 months WITH treatment. Thankfully for us, he was only really bad for a couple days. We were able to get him out and do the things he loved in those 3 months - including taking him to the casino a week before he passed.

As I'm sure you are already aware, taking care of a dying person is HARD. My Dad was on Hospice for only 2 days. Since my Dad didn't want to die in a hospital or nursing facility, we kept him at home which meant someone had to monitor him 24/7. My Mom worked overnights so between her nights off and us 3 kids (I have 2 brothers) - we all took turns staying at the house.

I wish I could give you some advice but I'm at a loss for words. Before dealing with my father passing away this year, I would tell you "take it easy and one day at a time" but when you are actually in the situation, that advice sems worthless.

I guess time is precious - so try and spend lots of with her.

The hardest thing I'm dealing with is my Dad will never get to know my child. This is my first child and I found out I was pregnant a month after he passed.... so super hard.

She was diagnosed with non small cell, stage 4 was her very first diagnosis.. it went from her having some bone pain and achiness to end stage lung cancer in 1 week! Her doctor said that without treatment he didn't think it would be 6 months (This was the end of April 2012, her 50th birthday was March 4th) she did chemo and a little radiation and the tumors didn't grow and no new ones showed up anywhere so everyone was optimistic and she stopped treatment for a 10 week period and rechecked with still no growth or new so everyone was really happy and thought we'd gained some precious time for sure.. then Sunday she was found wandering around the parking lot of a grocery store and didn't know who she was or what city she was in. She spiked a temperature of 105 and her heart rate was 180! They took her in for a chest xray and said she had pnuemonia, her oncologist came in the next day and said no thats not pneumonia it's tumors.. and after her MRI it revealed that her lymph system had tiny tumors all through the various areas so they did a spinal tap and found it in her CSF as well which is likely causing a good amount of her confusion, though she's VERY much improved without her fever. But her temps run higher now because she is just full of cancer. Her baseline is now 100

Its hard being the only one in the family with medical knowledge because I know what is going to happen, and even when everyone was rejoicing I was always looked down on like a party pooper telling my husband and his sisters they needed to get paperwork in order and planning and encouraging them to all talk about what was going on because I knew that people USUALLY just don't recover from non small cell. My DH is glad because even though they never got around to the legal power of attorney paperwork, his grandma always assured them that it was their choice (unfortunetly she meant that as long as it was the same choice as hers) at least they did learn all her wishes about MANY things and his grandmother is at least respecting them on those so far.

I'm so glad that we did SO much this summer. We went on a couple great family get togethers and did a couple things she'd hever done before.

It's just so sad.. I can't wait until there is a cure for cancer. But most of all I wish that more people could see what simple cigarrettes are doing to this woman, something you willingly go to a store and purchase and sit down and consume can kill you. It's not an accident to smoke, it's not bad genes.. it's a choice that you make.

My mom is a smoker and I just cried to her this weekend when I got home from the hospital begging her to stop and not put me through this again X amount of years down the road, after all she is 10 years older than my MIL. I asked her to please not let her grandsons watch another memaw get like this.. I wen to see her at work today but she was on a smoke break So I just left

[KDinCO]

Tears are coming to my eyses as I read this! I am so sorry for what you are going through. (((HUGS))

[stefanyeileen]

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. Watching my Dad deal with it this year has been the HARDEST thing I've had to do in my life....

My Mom smokes too .... I've begged her to quit as I want her to be around to see my kids... she said she'd quit the end of the year... so we'll see how that goes in January.

Lung cancer (and any type of cancer) is VERY difficult to watch - especially when its a loved one.

And it only seems to get worse as it progresses...

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.