Wwyd - Confronting another mother

[HisWifeHerMom]

Now that Katrina is in school I knew the day for Sleepovers were to come, and She got invited to another little girls house on Friday to sleepover, I spoke with the mother on the phone and in person, I even called to check on Trina after dinner time everything was going fine. Until Trina came home on Saturday looking as if she had been up all night long, Brushing it off as "being a girl and have been there myself", After her bathe, It was quiet time, until she started to totally freak out on us. She was screaming at the top of her lungs "I have to call the doctor I'm going to die mommy" "They are here to get us we wont make it until morning we need guns" this went on for 3 hours, aniexty was taking over my angel it even took us turning every light in the house on and camping out on her floor for her to go to bed and she still woke up screaming.

We had finally gotten to the root of the Issue, Apparently the older sister had the girls watch "thriller" by Michael Jackson on youtube then they watched 2 scary movies, Katrina has never been exposed to this stuff, Shes too young and her imagination is still maturing. DH told me to e-mail the mother and ask what went on that night a reply from her was "they watched Amityville horror and exorcism of Emily Rose, Our oldest babysat while my husband and I went out"

Really? You left my daughter in care of a young girl who legally is not suppose to be home alone, let alone babysit? Their oldest is 11!!!

I really want to just rip her a new one, not through e-mail either, My heart is aching for Katrina and I know this isn't something to just let go, I don't want issues for Katrina at school either.

How would you handle this? Sorry if its long winded It has been a very long night and I'm worried about another longer night tonight

[preciousnd98]

Wow! I would be livid! That was very dishonest of the parents not to let you know they wouldn't be home. I'm not sure how I would handle it, other than that I know my DD would not be allowed at their house again since the parents don't see anything wrong in leaving when another person's child is in their care...

[cassi]

Obviously that mother has no sense that they would allow a young child over, allow them to watch terrifying movies, and leave them home alone with another child all without your permission. Confronting her won't do anyone any good. I'd stay as far away from them as possible and be alot pickier about where I let my child go without my Dh or myself and I'd be even pickier about them spending the night anywhere.

[Babidol]

Honestly, that mother feels as if what she did was ok. I'm not sure she's worth wasting your breath on. I would be more apt to be stronger when Katrina asks to go somewhere. Making sure to ask very specific questions like who will be home, what they allow their child to watch, do they have access to the Internet. It totally sucks that some parents have absolutely no common sense. Maybe you can show her the making of thriller. At least that way she can see that it's all make up and costumes and make believe. Not sure what to do about amityville. That **** is scary!!

[pepperlru]

It is absolutely shocking that that mom would think any of that was okay. Just baffling! What is wrong with some people? I'm so sorry your little one had to be traumatized by stuff she shouldn't even be close to being exposed to, and that the parents left the house? Unbelievable. Even with my 14 year old, I expect parents to be home during a sleepover -- and she's old enough to babysit!

Of course it's obvious that you'd never let Katrina go over there again. Although I agree with pp that the mom thinks her choices were fine and it probably won't do any good, I think I would calmly explain to her how disappointed you and your husband are with her choices, how upset and traumatized your very young child is, and I'd also tell them that you expect a parent to be present at all times with the kids (or explicit permission asked before leaving them with a sitter). Not because you're ever going to let them care for K again, but I think it's important to tell people when they're doing things that are totally idiotic. Maybe she'll think twice about doing that to some other poor little kid in your dd's class, at least.Some people just have no clue, but if enough people tell her it's inappropriate, maybe she'll get one. Probably the best way to express all this would be email so you can control how it comes across and not allow yourself to get too upset.

But if you feel like you just don't want to confront them, you don't have to. If they ask K over again sometime, you could tell them then, or just make an excuse.

[TripMomma]

It is absolutely shocking that that mom would think any of that was okay. Just baffling! What is wrong with some people? I'm so sorry your little one had to be traumatized by stuff she shouldn't even be close to being exposed to, and that the parents left the house? Unbelievable. Even with my 14 year old, I expect parents to be home during a sleepover -- and she's old enough to babysit!

Of course it's obvious that you'd never let Katrina go over there again. Although I agree with pp that the mom thinks her choices were fine and it probably won't do any good, I think I would calmly explain to her how disappointed you and your husband are with her choices, how upset and traumatized your very young child is, and I'd also tell them that you expect a parent to be present at all times with the kids (or explicit permission asked before leaving them with a sitter). Not because you're ever going to let them care for K again, but I think it's important to tell people when they're doing things that are totally idiotic. Maybe she'll think twice about doing that to some other poor little kid in your dd's class, at least.Some people just have no clue, but if enough people tell her it's inappropriate, maybe she'll get one. Probably the best way to express all this would be email so you can control how it comes across and not allow yourself to get too upset.

But if you feel like you just don't want to confront them, you don't have to. If they ask K over again sometime, you could tell them then, or just make an excuse.

I agree. My child would never go over there again, ever. While it may be in one ear and out the other, on the off chance you may be able to save some other little girl the terror your child went through I would address the issue and let her know how totally inappropriate the whole thing was. Not cool, I would be so pissed.

[tyvek]

Those two movies would give ME nightmares! Gosh, Finding Nemo almost traumatized my four year old. I am so sorry for your little girl. I would call the mom and tell her exactly what happened when Katrina came home. I could be mistaken but those movies at a minimum are pg13 if not R. While some parents show movies like that to younger kids I would have expected her to at least ask me if my kid could watch it. I would not expect the mom to care and get defensive with me. But I would not care too much since I would not send my kid over to that house again.

My husband I am sure would be livid and drive over and yell at the parents. He has no reservations about social graces.

[macksmom]

My eyes literally did this when I read that!!!!!! I would be livid and let her know I did NOT approve an 11 year old to babysit when I left HER in the care of my DD! Oy. I would be SO angry. Needless to say she would NEVER be staying there again and I would have a hard time even being near this mother. Unacceptable.

[HisWifeHerMom]

Oh She will never be over there, now I have told DH if this little girl wants to play with Trina she can come over HERE! I don't want to punish the children but this mother Has an ear full coming to her,I am waiting for Katrina to go to sleep tonight, and do I care if I wake her household up with a phone call tonight? NO WAY! I'm daydreaming about humiliating her in front of all the other mothers at the school but sadly someone has to be a the adult in this case. 5 hours to go until Trina goes to bed, hopefully with easy

[froggie83]

Wow! I would be livid! That was very dishonest of the parents not to let you know they wouldn't be home. I'm not sure how I would handle it, other than that I know my DD would not be allowed at their house again since the parents don't see anything wrong in leaving when another person's child is in their care...

this.

[liontamer]

Oh She will never be over there, now I have told DH if this little girl wants to play with Trina she can come over HERE! I don't want to punish the children but this mother Has an ear full coming to her,I am waiting for Katrina to go to sleep tonight, and do I care if I wake her household up with a phone call tonight? NO WAY! I'm daydreaming about humiliating her in front of all the other mothers at the school but sadly someone has to be a the adult in this case. 5 hours to go until Trina goes to bed, hopefully with easy

I would have to let the other mothers know. Just to save another child from being traumatized. I'm not sure how to go about that without it turning into drama though:/ No children should be exposed to movies like that. I'm 24 and don't watch scary movies because they give me nightmares. I'm so sorry they left your little one with an eleven year old. It baffles me that a mom would be ok with letting her little ones watch movies like that. Big hugs to your little one...sucks people can't be responsible parents

[DucksLikeRain]

My child wouldn't have been there in the first place. If I don't know the parents, they don't go over, and that goes for school friends too. Not that you asked for this advice, but our family rule is currently NO SLEEPOVERS and we'll reconsider at age 8. If it's at a home of someone I know and am comfortable with I'll let them go over and then pick them up by 10pm-nothing productive is going to be happening at a little kids party any later than that, anyhow, IMO! They can sleep over at my parents' and at one of my brothers' house but other than that-not happening.

That being said, the most I would do is let the mom know that you're really disappointed that she felt it was ok to leave your daughter in the care of someone you hadn't agreed to. I would let her know that those movies had her in hysterics the next night and that you feel they were highly inappropriate for kindergarteners. I wouldn't bother with going so far as to tell her that my child would not be coming over anymore-to me that's neither here nor there and I could see it getting to the other child-your daughter's friend-that you don't like her (your daughter's friend) or something. I feel like we don't owe people explanations for our choices when it comes to our kids and things like this. If it came up between other moms I'd certainly bring up what happened but I wouldn't go out of my way by calling or emailing them collectively or anything.

[tapir]

What Duckslikerain said, exactly. No way would my child have a sleepover in kindergarten with anyone except our best friends, who live across the street. For exactly the reasons you outlined. A kid of an acquaintance of mine was shot with a rifle when kids were playing at a sleepover, and nearly died. Not everyone knows what appropriate supervision is...obviously by your example. I am sorry your girl had to go through that and I admire your restraint asking for advice before just going nuts on that mom. I would have Lost.My.Sh*t.

[AmeriBrit]

My child wouldn't have been there in the first place. If I don't know the parents, they don't go over, and that goes for school friends too. Not that you asked for this advice, but our family rule is currently NO SLEEPOVERS and we'll reconsider at age 8. If it's at a home of someone I know and am comfortable with I'll let them go over and then pick them up by 10pm-nothing productive is going to be happening at a little kids party any later than that, anyhow, IMO! They can sleep over at my parents' and at one of my brothers' house but other than that-not happening.

That being said, the most I would do is let the mom know that you're really disappointed that she felt it was ok to leave your daughter in the care of someone you hadn't agreed to. I would let her know that those movies had her in hysterics the next night and that you feel they were highly inappropriate for kindergarteners. I wouldn't bother with going so far as to tell her that my child would not be coming over anymore-to me that's neither here nor there and I could see it getting to the other child-your daughter's friend-that you don't like her (your daughter's friend) or something. I feel like we don't owe people explanations for our choices when it comes to our kids and things like this. If it came up between other moms I'd certainly bring up what happened but I wouldn't go out of my way by calling or emailing them collectively or anything.

This.

[xtrememousey]

No effing way would I bite my tongue about this....earful would be putting it nicely. I would also make sure every parents of all the other children know what happened too. Total BS

[cindyrae42]

My eyes literally did this when I read that!!!!!! I would be livid and let her know I did NOT approve an 11 year old to babysit when I left HER in the care of my DD! Oy. I would be SO angry. Needless to say she would NEVER be staying there again and I would have a hard time even being near this mother. Unacceptable.

This exactly!! Your poor baby. I feel so bad that she was/is traumatized. My son is 11, and he is in no way old enough to stay home by himself, let alone babysit little children. I cannot believe that woman had the tenacity to even think leaving the children home alone was ok, especially when there's someone elses child staying over. What if they had fallen asleep and the house caught fire? I don't think a lot parents nowadays think about the what ifs, or think at all.

[As Is]

I would be livid as well but also don't know if it would be worth the breath wasted if the mom sees nothing wrong with the situation.
We have let Mason stay over with church family when Noah had to have emergency surgery (even the babies were sent to others) but I don't think I'd let him go on sleepovers at this age with most of the families in our community.
And yeah, the trailers for those movies are creepy enough. So sucky your daughter was exposed

[ljs318]

I'm in shock. I'm sure I'm the oddball, but my nearly 5 year old has never slept at anyone's house alone... not even grandparents (who live out of town btw). No way she would have been ready for that to begin with. I would have no problem confronting that mother and I am a pretty quiet and laid back person, but what she did was neglectful. Your poor sweetie! Hope she recovers quickly with lots of talks and cuddles. Those movies give me nightmares, honestly.

[runningmomofmany]

Holy moley! I can't believe a mother would think that ok. I would even let my best friend know that my 17yr old was going to watch the kids if I was going out. That just seems like common courtesy. And those movies? Yowsa! I tend to be lax about what my younger kids watch, but that is just crazy.

But I agree with ducksLR, there isn't much point in freaking out on the other mother. Just let her know your daughter was very scared and you think the movies inappropriate.

We have been very selective in who our kids spend the night with. And my 8yr old has not been on a sleepover with non-family (or friends who are like family-they don't even have a child her age) . For this very reason. Just because the other parent seems ok, they make very different parenting choices.

[JJorn]

I would never watch any of those movies! I also would just let her know that you would have preferred to know that they would not be home and that the movies gave you DD horrible nightmares and that the movies were inappropriate for you DD's age. Ugh. I would be way more than livid.

I really hope that your love and care helps your DD feel safe and secure again.

[V]

Shocking. So shocking.... It confirms my decision about DD and sleepovers!! Like duckslikerain, it's just a no-no as far as I am concerned for many years yet!

[Jai]

O.M.G.!!! I am in shock. I cannot believe that that mother thought it was ok for any of those choices, let alone her not even consulting with you first! SMH!

HUGS to you and your girl. I hope her night was better...

[raspberry]

I am in shock that the mother thought that all this was okay!! I too would have a time holding my tongue. I hope she is doing better today.

[kendra76]

wow.. I am in disbelief.. your poor DD.

I can't imagine letting Andrew sleep over at anyone's house (besides my mom) at his age. Does your DD know that she could have called you and asked to come home? Did you talk to her before bed time?

I would mention to the mother (gently), that you sent your daugther to spend the night assuming that they would be there. If they had other plans, they shouldn't have left an 11 year old alone. They should have rescheduled to another day. Also when it comes to the movies, again, even though the parents think that it's ok for their child, they should have asked or noticed the terror when the movie was played (again parents would have to have been home).

hugs.. try and be tactful when talking to the other mom, even though screaming and yelling is warranted, It won't get your point across and won't save any other child from going through the same thing. You could mention it off hand to other moms..

[Ky'sMom]

My child wouldn't have been there in the first place. If I don't know the parents, they don't go over, and that goes for school friends too. Not that you asked for this advice, but our family rule is currently NO SLEEPOVERS and we'll reconsider at age 8. If it's at a home of someone I know and am comfortable with I'll let them go over and then pick them up by 10pm-nothing productive is going to be happening at a little kids party any later than that, anyhow, IMO! They can sleep over at my parents' and at one of my brothers' house but other than that-not happening.

That being said, the most I would do is let the mom know that you're really disappointed that she felt it was ok to leave your daughter in the care of someone you hadn't agreed to. I would let her know that those movies had her in hysterics the next night and that you feel they were highly inappropriate for kindergarteners. I wouldn't bother with going so far as to tell her that my child would not be coming over anymore-to me that's neither here nor there and I could see it getting to the other child-your daughter's friend-that you don't like her (your daughter's friend) or something. I feel like we don't owe people explanations for our choices when it comes to our kids and things like this. If it came up between other moms I'd certainly bring up what happened but I wouldn't go out of my way by calling or emailing them collectively or anything.

I agree with this, especially the bolded area, and I will and have let my kids spend the night at relative's homes and very close friends, but not at that age and not by him/herself. I wouldn't let Elle spend the night anywhere without her brother. She will be 4 on Wednesday and Ky is 10 and is pretty mature for his age. This past year was the first time I let Ky spend the night over anyone's house who was not a relative.

I woudl speak with the mother and I would let her know how angry I was and I would let her know that I would tell the other parent's in class about what went on.

Your poor DD and those movies thoug...they are both R movies and even the 11 year old shouldn't have been watching them. I have never seen them because they look too scary and I like scary things. I would really try to explain to your DD that they are fake and how all movies and TV shows are not real and hopefully she will not be traumatized too long over the experience.

I wouldn't let her sleep over anyone else's house though right now. I also wouldn't trust her to call you if she felt uncomfortable either since she is only 5 and may have felt uncomfortable even asking to call you while at someone else's house.

Erin

[jazzmom]

Unbelievable. Just unbelievable. I'm so sorry your DD experienced this. What's done is done...but I'd definitely let the mother know that you are NOT happy about this, and that you daughter will no longer be going to their house, day or night.

[HisWifeHerMom]

Well I dealt with this issue this morning after school started...i'd like to say I did it in a very tasteful matter as well. We had issues last night but it was much easier to deal with then the first night.

Rather or not I choose to let my daughter sleep over somewhere wasn't the case and really isn't it mine and Dh's choice? We felt she was ready, was this mother ready for that kind of stuff, NO but We as Katrina's parents were.

I also couldn't just "not waste my breathe" as my daughter is worth EVER.LAST.BREATHE I take, I now know not to seek much advice on issues, I personally don't like the fact it went from me asking how to handle it in a tasteful matter and support,To attacking the fact I let her sleep over somewhere, I don't parent like others, I parent how I see fit to my child's needs/wants.

[MaryJane]

I would just not let her go over again, and if the mom asks for her to stay over in the future tell her no, and elaborate. I don't get it either. I let my older kids watch movies that some parents wouldn't be comfortable with. I stopped censoring what Vada watches when she was 14. But no rated R movies until you are in high school with some rare exceptions. And my kids sometimes want their friends to come over when I'm super busy and won't be home. Vada will babysit but she's 16. I always let parents know that ahead of time and make sure it's ok. I also clear any movies with parents first. That's just common decency. And because I do this, I have noticed that when my kids stay over at someone else's house they verify these same things with me. My former neighbor who I actually know really well has kids that stay with me and mine with her, and even though we are friends we still let each other know if we're leaving them home with an older kid or watching something questionable. But, I do understand that not everyone parents the way I do. Vada had a friend whose mom let her do pretty much anything and she was shocked that I didn't let Vada watch teen horror flicks when she was in 7th grade which is when Vada had this friend. If parents allow it for their own children they don't see it being wrong to allow it for other people's kids. They don't always consider that some parents parent differently. That's why you have to ask, who will be home, what types of movies do you allow them to watch, where will you be going, who will be driving, do you own any guns and where do you keep them, do you have other kids at home and how old are they, where will they be sleeping. You have to ask even if you feel silly.

[pepperlru]

Well I dealt with this issue this morning after school started...i'd like to say I did it in a very tasteful matter as well. We had issues last night but it was much easier to deal with then the first night.

Rather or not I choose to let my daughter sleep over somewhere wasn't the case and really isn't it mine and Dh's choice? We felt she was ready, was this mother ready for that kind of stuff, NO but We as Katrina's parents were.

I also couldn't just "not waste my breathe" as my daughter is worth EVER.LAST.BREATHE I take, I now know not to seek much advice on issues, I personally don't like the fact it went from me asking how to handle it in a tasteful matter and support,To attacking the fact I let her sleep over somewhere, I don't parent like others, I parent how I see fit to my child's needs/wants.

I agree with you. I'm surprised by how many people felt it necessary to pile on with the "this is why I would never" stuff. You could have no idea that mother would make such bad, inappropriate choices. It's not unreasonable for classmates to have sleepovers, and while I know some moms here say they never allow them, I do and most parents I know do. Lots of parents think sleepovers are a fun part of childhood. I can't remember how old dd was the first time, but I'm sure she was close to your dd's age. And even if she wasn't, this doesn't seem the right place to say so. I don't think you need to feel any worse than you already do about something that wasn't your fault.

I'm glad your conversation with the other mom went well and that you were able to handle the matter in a calm and tactful way.

[cassi]

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