Tomorrow...remembering Asher

[kellyowens]

Tomorrow will be the 8th anniversary of my son Asher's birth.

At almost 18wks I saw my midwife on my b-day so I could hear his heartbeat. She tried for 20mins but couldn't find it. I went to ER and the u/s showed what I already knew...my baby's heart had stopped beating. By u/s, growth had stopped between 16/17wks.

I opted to wait to see if my body would go into labor on its own but after 11days of no contrx I was induced. After 7hrs of labor I delivered my sweet little Asher Nathaniel. No cause of death was determined. He was perfect! We assume it was because of thyroid antibodies or a genetic condition I have (testing was expensive and only done out of country).

We had the option of bringing him home to bury so we did. Looking back, I regret not doing a small funeral service. I had no support and I think friends/family didn't know how to respond because it wasn't *real* to them. Still, no one remembers and that makes me sad.

My milk came in 4days later...I hadn't expected that and I felt so empty, cold, and alone.

My SIL had a baby boy 5days after Asher's due date. I was so happy for her but it was a very difficult time for me.

Even after all these years my arms and my heart ache for my boy.

I'm thankful to be holding another baby boy in my arms on this anniversary :-) .

My son Joash was born at 15wks nine months after we had Asher (I also had three earlier losses between them). So Adam is our first baby boy born healthy and well in 11yrs :-) !

Asher can never be replaced but I'm so grateful my arms aren't empty!

Thank you for letting me share

[red2005]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[Babidol]

I am so very sorry. I don't think many people ever understand a loss unless they've been there. I'm glad you have a little boy in your arms. He's lucky to have angels watching over him!

[kellyowens]

Today's the day...I remember going in early to my OB's office so he could remove the laminaria rods he had inserted the day before to help me dilate. I went immediately to the hospital afterwards to be admitted for the induction. The staff was so wonderful and supportive! My labor was difficult...I think more from the emotional/psychological pain than from the physical.

I reacted badly to the prostaglandin E they used for the induction and it took longer than they anticipated. I delivered Asher into my own hands...I didn't realize his birth was so close (too little for me to feel any pressure). My DH called the nurse in and they cut the thread-fine cord so I could hold him closer to me. He was only as big as my hand from crown to rump but he was perfect!

The delivery of the placenta was incomplete and I was bleeding so my OB did a curettage and they gave me a shot of methergine along with IV pitocin.

The nurse brought Asher to me once the Dr. was finished. They had put a tiny hat on him and wrapped him in a little blanket. They showed me his hand/footprints they had done and gave me several Polaroid pics they had taken in the nursery.

They released me later that night and we decided to bring Asher home instead of using the funeral home's services.

I spent the morning just gazing at all of his itty bitty features...his skin was very fragile so I couldn't hold him very much. I had his little hand resting on my thumb though just so I could have skin-to-skin contact with him.

We buried him later that day...the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I knew it was just his body but it was all I had and I didn't want to let the one thing keeping us together go.

DH had made a little wooden box and I padded the inside. I wrapped Asher's little body gently in his little blanket, wrapped a ribbon around it, and tied a bow...he looked like a little present.

It broke my heart o have to give him up but I handed him to DH who laid him in the little box and sealed it.

Like I said in my previous post, my milk came in 4 days later. My arms literally ached.

The pain is no longer so raw but my heart still hurts from losing the piece Asher took with him. I look forward to seeing my boy again someday.

[kellyowens]

I am so very sorry. I don't think many people ever understand a loss unless they've been there. I'm glad you have a little boy in your arms. He's lucky to have angels watching over him!

Thank you for replying...it means so much to me!

I agree it's difficult to understand loss until you've gone through it. We didn't "just" lose a pregnancy...we lost our baby and everything that means. We dreamed of a future for him...those first few sleepless weeks, first smile, first steps, school, college/career, a wife and children of his own. So much is wrapped up in a little soul! Another baby can fill your arms but nothing can replace the piece of your heart that is gone from this earth forever.

I'm thankful he's living a life beyond this one in the presence of Jesus...it's my only comfort!

[Babidol]

Well said Kelly. As soon as those 2 pink lines show there's an instant connection for me. And you're right. We spend time thinking of who this person will be. My cousin is an OB nurse and specializes in infant loss. I'm so unbelievably grateful for people like her and the nurses you had. The nurses and doctors who took the time to make sure you had memories of your baby. My cousin said before she got there they were abysmal at handling infant death. She spends time during each week making blankets and little beds with pockets to place babies in, who like you describe, are too fragile to be held. I pray you have peace in your heart today.

[raspberry]

I am so sorry for your loss

[misfit]

[JJorn]

I am so sorry that you lost precious Asher. I know that you are looking forward to seeing him someday in heaven just as I am waiting to see my other children. I wish that none of us had to lose a child at any stage of their or our lives.

[sunkiss]

Thanks for sharing your memories of precious Asher with us. I wish you didn't have to wait to be reunited with him and your other sweet angels, but I imagine them all together, happy and peaceful while they wait.

[hotpinkmomma0811]

That was so kind and awesome of your DH to make a special box. There is a hospital here that has graveyard and the family can have burial and a stone or marking of some for the baby or (babies) that passed away. I think that is a great service to have. My aunt lost a baby he was premature and my grandpa got his body she made a concrete marker with marbles to spell out his name and the dates. I am so sorry for your lost and I wish more babies can be honored instead of forgotten.

[kellyowens]

I honestly can't express how much your support and hugs mean to me! Thank you for being a safe place for me to share :-) .

Babidol, I'm so glad too there are people out there like your cousin...what a beautiful service she's providing for hurting, grieving families!

Hotpink, that is so wonderful...I wish our hospital would have offered something like that! Our littlest ones deserve to be remembered...there was never anyone like them and never will be again. A soul is the rarest treasure on earth and therefore the most valuable...each one is one of a kind :-)

Jess (((big hugs)))...and to you other mommas who I know have lost little ones as well! My heart goes out to you! I wish none of us had to endure this.

Andrea, thank you for that beautiful thought...as I read it I had a lovely image of my sweeties all together :-)

My day was calm and peaceful...we had our family pics taken and DH took me out to dinner :-) . DH doesn't mention our losses but I know it has been hard for him too.

Thank you again everyone!

[ljs318]

HUGS to you! I'm very sorry for your losses. I lost my girls at 19 1/2 weeks and I have so many regrets from that day. I don't know that I would have had the courage you did to bury them myself, but I do wish I would have done more. I'm glad you had a peaceful day.

[sparks3]

Kelly, thank you for sharing your sweet Asher's story with us. The details of that day are written out so beautifully...only as a Mother could. Thinking of you...I cannot imagine how painful it is to lose a child.

[missmc]

[haydensmom]

I'm so sorry momma!!!

[sammilynn]

[LilMama]

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Asher with us Kelly I'm so sorry for your loss. And I think that only a mommy who has gone through this tragedy and heartbreak herself can truly grasp the importance of having our babies lives remembered by others. I hate that it's only us who remembers that time. I know for me I just wanted that little one to be acknowledged and validated. My experience was truly horrible from the get go as the people at the hospital treated me very poorly. It's taken me a long time to heal and I don't know that we ever truly do.. maybe the time that goes by just eases some of the pain? Having other little ones to hold and love helps too.

This is an amazing place and an even more amazing group of women who have helped me in more ways than they will ever know to truly grieve my own loss. I'm glad you feel welcomed enough to share your experience with us.

[CoffeeCat]

Thank you for sharing that with us-each life is truly precious-I am glad your day of remembrance was peaceful and spent with your dh and family.

[angmichelle]

I'm so sorry, Kelly. I think you'll see your precious boy again someday too. Until then, you share all you want and we'll just cover you with hugs! Xoxo

[kellyowens]

HUGS to you! I'm very sorry for your losses. I lost my girls at 19 1/2 weeks and I have so many regrets from that day. I don't know that I would have had the courage you did to bury them myself, but I do wish I would have done more. I'm glad you had a peaceful day.

(((HUGS)))!!! I'm so sorry !

It's so difficult at the time...none of it seems real...like you're waiting to wake up from a bad dream. People kept asking me things about whether I wanted arrangements done with the funeral home or even simple things like if I was hungry and what I wanted brought to my room...I didn't know...I just wanted it to all go away so I could go home still pg and expecting a beautiful, healthy baby in 5months.

I wish there was more available to families who are going through this...they need someone to advocate for them and help them through. I really think most medical staffs just aren't prepared or well-equipped to handle loss .

Thinking of you and remembering your precious girls with you (((hugs)))!

[kellyowens]

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Asher with us Kelly I'm so sorry for your loss. And I think that only a mommy who has gone through this tragedy and heartbreak herself can truly grasp the importance of having our babies lives remembered by others. I hate that it's only us who remembers that time. I know for me I just wanted that little one to be acknowledged and validated. My experience was truly horrible from the get go as the people at the hospital treated me very poorly. It's taken me a long time to heal and I don't know that we ever truly do.. maybe the time that goes by just eases some of the pain? Having other little ones to hold and love helps too.

This is an amazing place and an even more amazing group of women who have helped me in more ways than they will ever know to truly grieve my own loss. I'm glad you feel welcomed enough to share your experience with us.

I'm so sorry you weren't treated with the compassion you deserved...breaks my heart !

You expressed my thoughts so well...I want my babies to be acknowledged and validated. I wanted my family to recognize the loss in their lives too...that this LO was a part of us and belonged.

Maybe this will be a controversial statement but I couldn't believe that my family who is so strongly (outspokenly so) pro-life didn't offer more encouragement and support! Why is it they recognize life if that life isn't wanted but when it's a life that *is* loved and wanted but lost they suddenly don't know what to do and distance themselves...I was SO hurt by that!

The two people who came to see us in the hospital were *such* a blessing! My Pastor and his wife came and held DS...pointing out his perfectness...that he was "fearfully and wonderfully" created :-) . The other person was my friend who is the director at Crisis Pregnancy Center who came and cried with me. She later wrote an article in the center's newsletter about Asher...I was/am so thankful for that validation!

And you ladies here at APA are *the best*!!! I couldn't ask for a better group! I've been to several forums and have never seen so much support and understanding as I see here :-) . I'm thankful I can post without the fear of criticism!
***group hug***!!!

[sparks3]

I'm so sorry you weren't treated with the compassion you deserved...breaks my heart !

You expressed my thoughts so well...I want my babies to be acknowledged and validated. I wanted my family to recognize the loss in their lives too...that this LO was a part of us and belonged.

Maybe this will be a controversial statement but I couldn't believe that my family who is so strongly (outspokenly so) pro-life didn't offer more encouragement and support! Why is it they recognize life if that life isn't wanted but when it's a life that *is* loved and wanted but lost they suddenly don't know what to do and distance themselves...I was SO hurt by that!

The two people who came to see us in the hospital were *such* a blessing! My Pastor and his wife came and held DS...pointing out his perfectness...that he was "fearfully and wonderfully" created :-) . The other person was my friend who is the director at Crisis Pregnancy Center who came and cried with me. She later wrote an article in the center's newsletter about Asher...I was/am so thankful for that validation!

And you ladies here at APA are *the best*!!! I couldn't ask for a better group! I've been to several forums and have never seen so much support and understanding as I see here :-) . I'm thankful I can post without the fear of criticism!
***group hug***!!!

It is so strange that at such a time of loss, some of the people who mean the most to you scatter like flies. I've never experienced a loss like you, and I truly feel deeply for you and anyone else that has. When Luke was born 3 months early, I experienced the same thing with my close friends. I think sometimes they don't know how to act/say, so they just make themselves scarce to avoid confrontation...which is so horrible.

I hope that you never, ever have to go through that again.

[ljs318]

(((HUGS)))!!! I'm so sorry !

It's so difficult at the time...none of it seems real...like you're waiting to wake up from a bad dream. People kept asking me things about whether I wanted arrangements done with the funeral home or even simple things like if I was hungry and what I wanted brought to my room...I didn't know...I just wanted it to all go away so I could go home still pg and expecting a beautiful, healthy baby in 5months.

I wish there was more available to families who are going through this...they need someone to advocate for them and help them through. I really think most medical staffs just aren't prepared or well-equipped to handle loss .

Thinking of you and remembering your precious girls with you (((hugs)))!

Thanks so much, you are very kind.

It's true about friends though. I actually had, what I thought was, a very good friend completely bail on me during that time. We are no longer friends, but I'm still sad about the fact that I couldn't count on her. Acutally, I am disappointed at how few people would actually bring up my girls. I have one former co worker who still sends me a "thinking of you" card in June. Not even my own mother mentions them. Makes you feel alone in all of this, even 6 1/2 years later. I am so grateful for a place like this to get it all out to people who understand! HUGS!

[LilMama]

Yes.. unfortunately so many just don't know what to say or how to act. they get so terribly uncomfortable that they just don't come around until they figure enough time has passed that it won't have to be a topic of conversation. Little do they know that just simply being there is often times enough for us. To just know that there are people there to cry with or just to "be." I absolutely hated not having my child's life thought of as real. I had a lady say to me just days after my d&c that "oh well, it wasn't really that big of a deal anyway right?" Um.. right?? I'm supposed to tell you "right" to something that is so far off the mark simply because YOU don't think this child was a "big deal?" I just looked at her and said "Yes.. this loss was and IS a big deal to me. I have waited and tried for this child for over two years and been disappointed time and time again. This has been a child... MY child since I saw two pink lines on a test strip and to have that literally torn from my body IS a HUGE deal to me." She shut up.. and then apologized. Oddly enough I didn't mind making other people feel uncomfortable around or about my grief. It's all I had. I had no closure and the whole thing was incredibly traumatizing to go through having one doctor tell you it'll be alright, and the next giving you no hope at all for over a month. All the while growing and feeling very much pregnant. My pregnancy wasn't "that" far along but it makes that life no less important. The one thing I will be forever grateful for was that my Aunt and another lady from church sent me sympathy cards. That made me know that at least two other people thought of that life as real. And we all know as mama's that we need that.

I pray that your healing process will be steady hon. It's not something you ever truly get over or forget about.. but I do believe in time it get a little less intense.

[WishingNat]

I'm always "glad" (not that we have to go through these losses but that we can take comfort with one another and have a safe place to share) when people tell their stories of the little people that have left us too early, whether by miscarriage or those that were further along. I think that its amazing that we can all take a little piece away of the story and the memories and that a child that was so loved can be remembered, cared about, grieved over, and cherished by just ONE more person.

It doesn't take the pain away... but at least that little person is a part of one more person's lives... and the mommas can talk with no judgement and nothing but love and support.

Thank you for sharing about Asher with us!!

[babypayne]

Tomorrow will be the 8th anniversary of my son Asher's birth.

At almost 18wks I saw my midwife on my b-day so I could hear his heartbeat. She tried for 20mins but couldn't find it. I went to ER and the u/s showed what I already knew...my baby's heart had stopped beating. By u/s, growth had stopped between 16/17wks.

I opted to wait to see if my body would go into labor on its own but after 11days of no contrx I was induced. After 7hrs of labor I delivered my sweet little Asher Nathaniel. No cause of death was determined. He was perfect! We assume it was because of thyroid antibodies or a genetic condition I have (testing was expensive and only done out of country).

We had the option of bringing him home to bury so we did. Looking back, I regret not doing a small funeral service. I had no support and I think friends/family didn't know how to respond because it wasn't *real* to them. Still, no one remembers and that makes me sad.

My milk came in 4days later...I hadn't expected that and I felt so empty, cold, and alone.

My SIL had a baby boy 5days after Asher's due date. I was so happy for her but it was a very difficult time for me.

Even after all these years my arms and my heart ache for my boy.

I'm thankful to be holding another baby boy in my arms on this anniversary :-) .

My son Joash was born at 15wks nine months after we had Asher (I also had three earlier losses between them). So Adam is our first baby boy born healthy and well in 11yrs :-) !

Asher can never be replaced but I'm so grateful my arms aren't empty!

Thank you for letting me share

I am so sorry for your loss. I have read your story many times and finally got it together enough to respond. I now understand how/why you are so understanding with me. You have gone through the exact same thing I have and still you always have the right words to say to comfort not only me, but everyone that's gone through this. I hope that years from now, I will be ale to help others as you have me. I wish I had the right words to say to take away the hurt and sadness you are feeling right now, wanting to hold Asher one more time. We will always long to hold our precious boys and one day we will again. Big (((HUGS))) to you!!

[LilMama]

I'm always "glad" (not that we have to go through these losses but that we can take comfort with one another and have a safe place to share) when people tell their stories of the little people that have left us too early, whether by miscarriage or those that were further along. I think that its amazing that we can all take a little piece away of the story and the memories and that a child that was so loved can be remembered, cared about, grieved over, and cherished by just ONE more person.

It doesn't take the pain away... but at least that little person is a part of one more person's lives... and the mommas can talk with no judgement and nothing but love and support.

Thank you for sharing about Asher with us!!

Yes... exactly