International vs. Domestic

[Leah26]

I've been doing a lot of research on adoption (mainly international) and have some questions. DH and I really like the idea of adopting from Russia though we're still talking some about a domestic adoption as well. We have some concerns about both and I'm wondering if anyone here has any specific experience. With domestic adoption we're concerned about the cost just becoming too much, especially with the possibility of having to pay rent and things like that for the birth mother. From what I've read that seems fairly standard but is it really? Is it that common and is there a concern in a situation like that with being scammed? When I first read that I thought it sounded like a scam anyway. What happens if the birth mother decides to keep the baby once it's born? I'm assuming that money is just gone which seems so wrong to me, but maybe that's just the way it is. Any info on that would be great. Also, it seems that more adoptions these days have some degree of openness. Does that mean if you want to have a closed adoption that it'll just take that much longer? And who decides how open an adoption is? In a way, I think it'd be great to have an open adoption because as the child grows they will no doubt have questions about their birth parents. That way at least it's easier to get info about them for the child when they're ready for that. DH worries about being able to handle a continuing relationship with birth parents which I admit may be difficult.

We've mostly thought about international adoption and I have heard some serious horror stories. We really like China's program because it seems so solid but I'm a few years too young for their program so we're mostly looking into Russia. I've heard a lot of conflicting info about things changing in Russia and about the cost. Some agencies say 20k and some say 50k or higher. Does this just depend on what the agency offers? I see that some offer sight seeing and things like that while you're there and some offer a translator and a coordinator and driver so I assume it just depends on what kind of program they're offering how much it costs. I've heard some scary stories about it still being dangerous to drive from one location to another there and also about the flights within Russia. My mom says they're considered the most dangerous in the world which is scary. Does anyone have any experience with Russian adoption in particular?

I think I'll stop there for now before this gets too overwhelming if it hasn't already. I'm sure a lot of these questions can be answered by agencies but we aren't quite there yet. We decided to commit to another round of fertility drugs but...I'm done honestly and ready to just move on with adoption since we've always wanted to adopt anyway. Also has anyone gotten financial assistance? I know there's a lot out there but I'm wondering if anything offers assistance before you adopt so you aren't in extreme debt which is a huge concern for us. Okay I'm stopping with the questions now. Thanks to anyone who can read this whole thing. Lol.

[Cosmosmom]

I will attempt some of those. When we first started looking, we didn't want to deal with birth parents so were going international and were interested in Colombia and Nepal. But after Guatamala closed, Colombia became too hard to get into and Nepal was new and lots of issues.
International is almost always going to be more expensive. There are the agency fees here, the other country fees, travel fees....air fare sometimes more than once plus you need a place to stay while there. Each country varies on how much time they require you to be there and if they require both parents to travel.
Big plus though is that you basically get on a list and when it's your turn, you get a child. So you have a better idea of when.
China has become a very long wait....like 4-5 years unless you go into the special needs program. And really most of the special needs kids are very minor issues that can be easily corrected with surgery or healthcare here.

Ok I know a lot more about domestic as that is where we ended up. Yes it can be common to pay a lot of expenses but that varies by state law what is allowed. They don't want it to feel like you are "buying" the baby. The vast majority are open now unless the birth mom wants it closed. You might be able to make it closed yourself but again this varies by state law. I know in my state, openess is determined by adoptive and birth families and sometimes it changes based on the parties needs. But it's not legally binding. The state next me, if you agree to a certain level of openess that is legally binding. It would be really awful though if say I agreed to certain openess and than cut off contact without a good reason. The idea of openess is one that DH and I are still feeling a bit unsure just because its unknown. But I figure that we have small families and it's much better for our child to have that so long as the birth family isn't dangerous, I will go with it. Openess is NOT coparenting. I feel better about it after having talked with some adoptive and birth families via the agency.
Also the idea is that the birth family picks us....and hopefully there is something about us that makes them pick us and that there will be a connection there.

It really really helps to talk to a few agencies. I know one we traveled 2 hours for and was basically told how we would have to pay all this tons of money and would likely end up with a crack baby.....this agency was very heavy in international adoption instead of domestic.
We went to an info meeting for our current agency and got a much different answer. Basically we paid first for the application and for the home study. That is it. They counsel their birth families and do not encourage them to get everything they can from us (some agencies do that to entice the birth families to place their babies). The rest of the fees will not be paid until we bring the baby home. I will not bring the baby home until they have gone to court and terminated rights. There is always a chance that she could change her mind up until those papers are signed.
If I was presented with a situation where the birth mom was asking for a lot of money, I think that DH and I are prepared to say no to that match. We have waited this long and are willing to wait until it's right.

As far as the money, there are grants out there. But most I have seen you have to have a home study done first. I have not bothered to apply to any of them because I didn't want to deal with even more paperwork. There is also some tax help but that is currently up in the air for future years. They want to make it permanent so people can plan for it and it seems to have support on both sides. one thing with that, at least the past few years is that if it's domestic, you can claim it for adoptions that didn't go through and before you have a baby. So I paid a good chunk of money in 2011 and can claim that on my 2012 return when I do them in the winter. With international you cannot claim anything until after you finalize and bring the child to the US. Also have your DH check his job....many jobs provide some adoption assistance as a benefit....usually around 5K that you have after you bring the child home.

And if money is a big concern, definitely look into foster adoption. That is what my aunt did...she was placed with my one cousin when she was 2 months old and finalized her adoption at age 2. She brought my other cousin home from the hospital and finalized his adoption when he was 18 months old. It was risky as there was a chance they could have been placed back with birth parents but she had a good relationship with the social worker and asked for babies and ones that they thought would mostly likely be available for adoption and as the foster parents, they would have the first chance to adopt them. If I still lived in that part of the state, I might have gone that route.

[Leah26]

Thank you so much for all the info. Your info has just been so helpful. I feel like I learn a lot more talking to other people who are going through this and hearing their stories and about their experiences than just reading tons of info online. I'm sure that interviewing agencies will be really eye opening as well but we're not to that point just yet. I feel like I'm going back and forth all the time. A domestic is adoption is really appealing because of the lack of international travel which I admit scares me. I do weekly infusions and they aren't always easy to travel with and being immune compromised and being exposed to "international" germs is an issue also. Any time I've been to conventions or anything that would include people from all over the world I'm given lots of extra medicines to take with me in case something new pops up that I haven't been exposed to before. So that's definitely a concern too. I just worry more that with a domestic adoption it'll be hard for us to get approved because of the immune condition I have even though I am perfectly capable of parenting and I work with kids, but I know some agencies are more strict about these things. I also worry a couple may be less likely to pick us because of that though I think if anything it's just made me stronger and able to deal with difficult things better than I did before.

I do kind of like the idea of fostering to adopt. I didn't realize that you could be that specific. My mom was good friends with a lady who adopted both of her children that way. She was a foster mom and only fostered babies. So both of her kids came to her as newborns and she adopted them. Her mom had done the same thing. So I know that it can work. I guess we just need to continue to research and hope that something becomes clearer or stands out to us over time. Thanks again!