Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks?
Hopelessly Devoted
The 'Better' Mother - How Intense Parenting Leads to Depression (article)
Our baby is 3 years old already!
Very interesting article. Unfortunately I can see myself in many of those catagories and have for some time now. I've really been working on trying to put myself first lately (easier said than done) and although my family is resisting (DH included) I know that in the long run it is vital that I do.
very interesting. Dh and I were just talking about something along these lines. Every day I am SOOO stressed out and to my limit.....because the kids are great (seperately) but very very challenging together. Boden is so darn difficult sometimes that I end up in tears by the end of the day. And DH says its because I try to be perfect and I try to always have an activity for them, I'm ALWAYS there for them 24/7 and they both require and need my CONSTANT attention (and when they're with him, they don't constantly say his name a million times....they either figure it out or happily play by themselves. They rarely play by themselves with me...I always have to be involved (they make me. lol) And often I am (not clinically) depressed or just unsatisfied about the day.
sorry for my ramble!
I am stressed out more often then not. My DD is so busy and when she is not challenged she is completely unhappy and ear piercing to be around. I probably brought it on myself and she only expects constant activity from me. Being pregnant at the same time makes for short patience. My DH has to push me out of the house at times because I need the break. He is so helpful! I need that swift kick sometimes.
seems obvious, results-wise. But interesting to see and interesting that someone bothered to study the issue.
Makes me happy I'm a lackadaisical mother LOL! I really don't worry too much about my kids and rarely interfere with their arguments or most things they do and I don't even really play with them per se like other parents (like make up fun activities and such, I figure they should play with other kids and not me. I actually go and bring kids over to play with them regularly, especially Ky, he usually has a friend or a cousin over every weekend to keep him occupied and I let them tear up his room and run around outside to their hearts content). I always joke to my mom friends IRL how lazy I am in the mothering department but sometimes think I should try harder. But eh...my kids are fine and being a mom and my mothering is actually a task/title that I am very confident about.
I do agree with the article that a lot of moms stress out about mothering and doing things all the time for their kids because they don't want to "screw them up." But I remember my great grandma told me that everyone is messed up in some way and I'm sure that no matter how we mother our kids, when they get older they'll have at least one or two areas where they felt we failed them. I chose not to worry about all that and just enjoy them being kids while also enjoying my free time by myself.
Erin
Last edited by Ky'sMom; 07-07-2012 at 09:54 PM.
It's so nice to 'hear' someone else say that they parent in this manner. I tried really hard to be the type of mother who was always engaged with their children but my DH deployed and I became depressed and burned out in the mothering department. (And to be completely honest, I don't think I was very good at it!) I stepped back and just let them engage one another and the neighborhood kids. We are all so much more happy and less stressed out this way.Originally Posted by Ky'sMom
LOL at the bold because I feel the same way! It feels very...ungenuine for me to fake enjoying doing certain things with the kids.
This is not to say that I don't take them places or talk to them or share fun things, but I just am not going to sit and entertain them all day. I figure that's why kids have imaginations and magical thoughts, to entertain themselves.
Also my own mom may have had something to do with it. If we ever said we were bored, she'd find a chore for us to do, ever since I was a really little kid. I remember standing on chairs, washing dishes by hand when I was 3-4 because I was bored. By the time I was 6 or 7 I never even muttered that word and would just go find something to do.
Erin
I am a worrier my nature and my natural tendency is to worry about every little thing. But I think that this article is very much common sense so I have made it a focus of mine to chill out and at the end of the day if I am unhappy with something I have done or not done as a parent then I just accept that I need to change it and move on. One area that I don't stress too much about (anymore) is finding "projects" to do with the kids. I let them run wild and play to their hearts content and have found they learn so much better this way. I have tons of science kits and crafting books and materials so if they want to do something of that nature it is all available to them and if they need my help with it they will ask me. They have done some really cool stuff this way.
Thanks for sharing. I tend to worry but have learned and literally forced myself to chill out. MY DS1 is very intense though so he can burn me quickly and together they are a ..... bundle of joy but very challenging, mostly due to DS1's nature. But once I made myself relax, the easier everything became. I also find that a lot of depressed mothers/friends of mine tended to worry way too much whether what particular thing they were doing/style they had would hurt the kids in the future. I decided that the only thing I am going to do is what works for them. If they end up in therapy in their 20s/30s/40s so be it. But I can't parent, remain happy and sane while I constantly worry if this is right or wrong - if it works and it feels right, it must be right. Boy, did my life change after I assumed that outlook.
Yes, I also take my children on field trips (as they call them) and having conversations with them is one of the most amazing things ever. I'm in awe of how their minds work. I've come to realize that they resolve their conflicts and play very well in both individual and group play when I'm background noise. It definitely took a lot of the stress away. I'm making more of an effort to take them out away from home during this deployment. When my youngest started his terrible two/horrifying three stage, I started to slack off from going places for fear we'd end up paying lots of money and have to leave.
And I am so going to start making the boys wash dishes and clean their bathroom when they tell me they're bored this summer.
I was kind of amazed that 23% of mothers in the study, regardless of parenting intensity, were depressed. I bookmarked the study link but haven't read it yet. It's interesting- I've been thinking a lot lately about how to balance being a good mother with being a person in your own right.
My chalk loving 2 1/2 y.o. boys!
I haven't read the actual study, but I'm guessing that those mothers would be depressed by something else if it weren't motherhood. If you're the type to take it all on yourself (you're the only competent parent - real or imagined, you're constantly striving to one-up others and measure your worth by your ability to do so, etc), then you likely would have done that or do that for other areas of your life, too. It just manifests itself in the parenting, where these moms create/inflate self-worth through their kids.
I was thinking something similar, but not so much the self-worth. I wonder if it is just some women's personality that is like that. I know for me, when I was in college and grad school, I poured everything into my studies, when I was teaching, it was all-consuming. And now, with motherhood, it is everything. I guess when I am responsible for doing something, I take it to the extreme. I was like this even as a kid in school. I can say though, that I am very happy most of the time.
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