attitude problem is getting out of hand

[kadydid]

DS is 18 month old and he is starting to get a bad attitude problem. This last week has been crazy. Its his way or no way. If he wants to go outside and I cant take him out the instant he wants to, he screams and throws a big fit. No tears, just screaming.I just have no idea what to do. He will wake up in the middle of the night screaming, again no tears, and ask for a bottle. So as soon as i give him a bottle with a little something in it, he is fine.
Please help, I dont know what im doing wrong and should be doing. Please tell me that the terrible twos havent started early.

[Marcie]

18-month-olds are like little cave people - seriously. If you're having a hard time, I suggest reading Happiest Toddler on the Block. It has lots of helpful tips for avoiding and minimizing tantrums and for communicating with toddlers, generally. I think you should adjust your expectations. At that age, they can't see beyond their own needs, so "his way or no way" is completely developmentally normal. Frustrating, for sure. If you google "fast food rule" you will probably get the gist of the book. That technique worked wonders for my spirited DD when she was that age. GL!

[Aelith]

We're going through this with our 15-month-old DD. What seems to work is re-direction and some small consequences like standing in the corner for a few seconds (we give lots of hugs after; it seems to give her a moment to get herself together). Re-direction works best, but is obviously not ideal at 2 a.m. Hoping other mamas have good answers for that one!

[kadydid]

How do you get her to stay in the corner?

[AbbeysMom]

How long has it been going on? He could be getting sick or getting molars early...

Otherwise I would say most 18 month olds would probably seem to have an 'attitude problem', although I wouldn't call it that. They have few ways or articulating what they want or need and at this point it seems like your LO has learned the most effective way to get what he needs is to scream.

I also really liked Happiest Toddler on the Block... the 'patience stretching' exercise really helped us with the toddler meltdowns.

[kadydid]

well i said attitude problem bc i didnt know what else to call it....the last week or so has been worse then ever.

[anonsouthernbell]

I think I remember reading that if you are going to do TO that you shouldn't start until the age of 2....

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

Honestly, I think it sounds like normal toddler behavior. DS2 is 16 months and screams and has a special cry for when I tell him he cannot do something. At this age, redirection works really well. Like, if I tell him he cannot have my water bottle, he will scream/cry, so I will take him often to a different room, and find a toy and sit down and play with him or I will try giving him his water. I would not punish a toddler for this behavior. They are learning how to express what they want and they are the center of their own world and don't understand why they can't have what they want right at that moment.

[Bridget]

Honestly, I think it sounds like normal toddler behavior. DS2 is 16 months and screams and has a special cry for when I tell him he cannot do something. At this age, redirection works really well. Like, if I tell him he cannot have my water bottle, he will scream/cry, so I will take him often to a different room, and find a toy and sit down and play with him or I will try giving him his water. I would not punish a toddler for this behavior. They are learning how to express what they want and they are the center of their own world and don't understand why they can't have what they want right at that moment.

I totally agree with this. I would for sure not punish for this behavior. They lack communication skills. When mine does this I redirect and say to him, "I know you are mad because mommy took the remote. Let's go find..." What your son needs now is gentle, consistent guidance to get through this time in his life.

[kadydid]

ok, i understand that and will try that this evening. What about like when he wakes up in th middle of the night and asks for a bottle? I mean we end up giving him one but in the mean time, he wont let yuo touch him or anything. I was trying to soothe him last night by rubbing on his forhead and then trying to change his diaper and all he does is fight and scream and toss himself around like "dont touch me".

[Bridget]

He's probably delirious with sleep, or maybe had a bad dream? My kids would go through times where they'd wake up crying and not want to be touched. I specifically remember Savana waking and crying one night and I asked her if she wanted to snuggle and she screamed, "DON'T SAY NUGGLE!!!" lol
I would just have the bottle ready and come to him with it when he wakes up. He is likely just hungry. I know my little guy is nursing about all night long so some of them just can't make it through the night without food.

[kadydid]

But the crying hard and the attitude of dont touch me happens alot. it kills me.

[Smplyme89]

Honestly, I think it sounds like normal toddler behavior. DS2 is 16 months and screams and has a special cry for when I tell him he cannot do something. At this age, redirection works really well. Like, if I tell him he cannot have my water bottle, he will scream/cry, so I will take him often to a different room, and find a toy and sit down and play with him or I will try giving him his water. I would not punish a toddler for this behavior. They are learning how to express what they want and they are the center of their own world and don't understand why they can't have what they want right at that moment.

I agree.

As frustrating as it maybe it is normal mama Nolan has some triggers that will cause fits. Seeing a banana, saying wagon or outside and not promptly doing either, if I have a drink-he has to have a drink, if I am eating-he has to be eating, etc.... I think this age is particularly frustrating for them because they are attempting to assert independence without the ability to communicate what they want/how they want it very effectively.
If I am unable to anticipate a fit, I will tell him no, and usually stop what I am doing, squat down/pick him up and talk about why mommy said no or whatever the case maybe.

[Smplyme89]

But the crying hard and the attitude of dont touch me happens alot. it kills me.

Sometimes they just need to let their frustration out.

[JJorn]

I would also say that this is very normal. The best thing to do is to keep yourself calm and try to redirect. If he doesn't want to be held to help him calm down, then don't. My oldest is not a snuggler so trying to touch her when she is super mad often makes things worse. My DS is a snuggler but he even sometimes just wants me to leave him alone when he is mad. And my kids both started on the typical two behavior around 15 months with gradual progression. I've heard it said that the terrible two's are really the terrible two years (as in it's tough for two years once the behavior starts).

[Aelith]

How do you get her to stay in the corner?

She's usually only there less than 10 seconds. But she seems to associate us standing her there with "OK, I need to calm down." And just want to clarify - it's more of a re-direction than anything. And I agree with Bridget - a lot of it is a result of a lack communication skills. At least it seems to be with Alice.

[MamaToe88]

Keep a bottle or sippy of water next to his bed or in his bed for nights like that. Or just have it in the fridge waiting. As far as tantrums, that is how he feels on the inside, and its his only way of expressing it. Kneel down to his level and talk softly to him. "Does that make you sad?" "Does this make you feel hurt?" My son always responded positively to things like that, and we would talk about it. Even though they can't say much at that age, they understand pretty well. If the tantrum continues, walk away and let him finish. Don't feed the behavior with being frustrated or constant talking. It gets a tad easier when they are more able to voice how they feel. Mine progressed until he was 2, and now that he is 2 1/2, the tantrums are less frequent.

Someone recommended a "busy box" or "busy bags" for times when they want to go out, but can't, or when you are busy and can't play. Pull out one of the boxes or bags, filled with some pipe cleaners, beads, rocks, sticks, or just some small toys he doesn't see often, whatever you trust him with, and let him play with it for awhile, and maybe even make a bit of a mess. Have a variety of those bags or boxes and mix them up every once in a while. It can help ease the boredom.

[kadydid]

Thanks for all the helpful advice...im going to try a few of those tonight and hopefully they work or atleast start seeing results.

[Krystal5]

Oh, big hugs Momma. You're not doing anything wrong!

I agree with everyone else that this is totally normal. It's such a hard age for these kiddos- they want things (including autonomy and language) that they just aren't developmentally capable of.

For the night time bottle- will he take water? If so, I would suggest to leave it there where he can get it on his own. At 18 months, he'd probably love some independence, and if he could get his own drink when he's thirst at night? That would probably make his night!

As for the rest of it... I'm probably an odd ball, but I don't believe in redirecting in the classic sense. I believe in letting her feel her emotions to their fullest, while I stay calm and put those emotions in to words for her.

For example, "You're mad you don't get to go outside right now". Acknowledge calmly, put her feelings in words as best I can figure out, let her get those emotions out. If it lasts a minute or she seems really upset, I ASK if she wants a hug. Usually she doesn't, but I ask. The rest of the time, I think it's best to let them get those emotions out. Sit as close as he is comfortable with, and just be there for him while he cries. Do your best to not get upset, it's not personal, he's just having a very, very hard time and needs your love and support more than ever. And, tell you him love him. While he's screaming, and when he's done. Let him know that you won't leave him because he has strong emotions.

Once I feel that the tantrum is over (though usually she's still a bit upset), THAT'S when I redirect. And, I don't try to "hide" the cause of the tantrum, either. "Since we can't go outside right now, let's read instead" or whatever.

She usually has very mild tantrums (for a two year old!), but the other day we had a friend over, who played with her FAVORITE TOY EVER (every single toy she has...) and she had a major melt down over needing to share her toys. Lasted for nearly 10 mins, and she was even trying to hit me, which she NEVER does. But we weathered through it, I let her cry and scream and be angry and I was there for her, and let me tell you, it was like magic. She suddenly got all those emotions out, and was a whole new child! She played and was best friends with this little boy the entire rest of the day. She still didn't LIKE sharing, but she did, bedgrudginly, but with no more tantrums. Since her tantrums are usually so mild, I admit I've been a bit worried about using this technique with her extreme tantrums (I know they're in there somewhere!), so I was pretty relieved to see it work successfully for this one. Phew!

Also, whatever method you try, will take a LONG time to work, I'm sure. Just remember, this is a very hard time for him, and he really needs your love and support as he figures this out!

Hang in there, Momma.

[Bridget]

Thanks for all the helpful advice...im going to try a few of those tonight and hopefully they work or atleast start seeing results.

Just keep in mind that you will likely not see results right away. For the next couple of years you will find yourself dealing with many different things and thinking, "Is this totally futile?" but stay calm, consistent, empathetic and then slowly you will see him start to respond. Good luck!

[ibisgirldc]

Happiest Toddler on the Block
Secret lives of Toddlers
Dr Ferber's sleep book. (The nightwaking is not toddler independence; it's a toddler who wakes and can't get back to sleep without your intervention.)

JMO, but it may not take a long time. If the sleeping issue is contemporaneous to the behavior issues, then the lack of sleep, the interrupted sleep, is probably affecting how he behaves during the day. Fix that - which could take as much as a few days - and the rest can get better just as quickly. But toddlers will be toddlers and if you happen to have one that is prone to meltdowns, then it's just how it's gonna be. Per the first two books, you can learn how to minimize those outbursts and how to end them faster.

[kadydid]

Well last night went very well actually. DH sisnt get home till like 8:30 so I dont know if that had something to do with it, but DS and I had a great night. I cooked us something to eat. and while it was cooking he wanted it now....so i just kept repeating to him that we had to cook it before we could eat...he was fine. Then I was washing out a few dishes and he started to push the chair to the counter, so i thought well I guess we can wash dishes then. So we did. He did very well when I told him they were gone, gone. Then he helped me do laundry. I showed him how to pull the clothes out and put them in the basket...that was exciting. After that he did mention outside (and it is just so darn hott right now) so instead I said lets go play. I have a plastic thing which holds his bottles and sippy cup while they dry. So i placed that on the floor for him and he sat in the kitchen floor all by himself and played with it for 20 mintues. I was so impressed. Taking everything off and trying to match lids to cups. So once he was done it was about 8 o clock he came and sat on my lap in the living room where i was folding laundry and then looked at me and said "bobba" (bottle) so i took that he was ready for bed. Got him a bottle, got him changed,laid in bed with him and he was out like a loght by 8:30....

[JJorn]

That's great! I bet he enjoyed the opportunities to "help" you do all the things that you needed to get done. It might take you three times longer but it makes the kids so happy to help.

[kadydid]

it was so cute bc he had a shirt in the living room that was dirty, so he picked it up (without me telling him) marched to the bedroom and dunked it in the laundry basket...lol... i was laughing and smiling so big. Then if he sees anything and i mea anything on the floor that needs to go in the trash...anything from a crumb to a diaper he picks it up and goes to the door where the trash is and says "trash".....he loves to help me clean house.

[kadydid]

sometimes im like ugh i dont have any energy to do dishes right now, all i want to do is relax for 30 mintues and watch a show on tv.....but as soon as DS wants to help do dishes, then i all of a sudden get the energy.....must me a mom thing.

[Aelith]

You know, this thread really got me thinking - I took a lot of your suggestions for Kadydid to heart and starting trying them with my DD, instead of the corner thing. I just wanted to let you know that. That's what I love about APA - we help each other grow as mothers

[kadydid]

For instance yesterday evening it was raining outside and DS was screaming bc he wanted to go outside, and i told him no bc it was raining. Then I was like "how does he know what raining is?" So i picked him up and opened the door so he could see the rain and explained to him over and over that we couldnt go outside bc it was raining and he would get all wet and he finally was like.....oh ok. So then i was like ok lets close the door, he grabbed the door and pushed it closed and didnt mention the word outside the rest of the night.