Pregnant and Confused

[NIKKI1313]

I could use a little advice and/or guidance. I am new to this forum. I am 8 weeks pregnant. I am 39 years old. I have a 9 year old son who has multiple medical issues and has aspergers syndrome. He has multiple doctors and along with that goes to about 2 doctors appointments weekly. I also work a full time job. I had been with my husband for 22 years. About a year ago we grew apart. I filed for divorce in March 2012. I started seeing someone else in late April. My husband committed suicide on May 23, 2012. The day before I buried him, I found out I was pregnant by the gentleman that I started seeing in April. This gentleman is an over the road truck driver and is gone for weeks at a time. He wants the baby but is honest in saying that he wont be around a lot. I am already going to be raising my 9 year old by myself and now the potential of raising another baby, on my owns, scares me to death. Not to mention my having to tell my in laws that I am having another baby that I got pregnant by another man while I was still married. They blame me for my husbands death. At 8 weeks pregnant, I am already exhausted and lets be honest, I'm not young. I'm worried that I can't do this. I really am soul searching on whether to have this baby or not. I could use any and all encouragement or advice anyone has. I am also concerned about handicaps or other issues related to my age. Thanks so much.

[CoffeeCat]

Wow...such a tough situation. Just wanted to let you know I will be praying for you during this difficult time. I think you will read and hear a lot of information that could help you make a decision on either side, the medical and the personal, but I think it has to come down to what you feel is the right thing to do. As far as the medical aspects, you are not guaranteed to have a healthy or special needs child at 39-there are people who have experienced both outcomes at your age or older, and women who have experienced both outcomes at a younger age. The odds increase of chromosomal abnormalities such as Down syndrome, trisomy 18, etc, but you can receive testing to be prepared for those outcomes if you choose to keep the child. If you opted to do chorionic villus sampling that testing could occur early on, like at 10-12 weeks.

Your story makes me wonder something-I hope I'm not off-base to share. I can only imagine the...I can't presume to say regret, but concern about the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy, especially when your son's grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. are already resentful of you (unfairly I would add). It has to feel really uncomfortable imagining telling them or having them find out what happened and when, etc. But I have to wonder...even if you had met and even married the father of this baby 5 years after your dh's death, I wonder if it would change their blame of you for what happened and their ability to be happy for you for moving on. Know what I mean? Not that I wouldn't be thinking about it and dreading telling them or having them find out if it were me-again, I am not judging you for thinking about it! I just think that with something as huge as this, embarrassment, though a powerful and natural response, shouldn't keep you from doing what you feel you need to do. Esp. because they very well may harbor hurt feelings toward you either way, which I hate to even suggest because I hope that that's not the case, but grieving people can do some crazy things like that.

I can't imagine what a stressful and confusing time this is for you, but I can reassure you that you have come to a wonderful forum. There are ladies here who have experienced similar situations to yours, and there are some like me who haven't but have sympathy for you and will treat you with respect as you sort it all out. It's a great place so I hope you stick around.

[NIKKI1313]

Thank you for taking the time to respond, it means a lot. I am just trying to take things day by day and judge my feelings and emotions accordingly. I know that I am the only person that can make the decision as to what I am going to do. I don't want to rush into a decision, however I know my time is limited. I am an excellent mother and I know that I wouldn't be any different for this new baby. There are just so many factors and I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing for my son, the new baby and myself first. I am a strong woman that can face and conquor anything, which reassures me. I just thought that getting some feedback from people that aren't either behind or against me might help ease my mind a little. I don't take anything you say as accusatory or wrong, it is valued and cherished as someone trying to help me. I always try my best to help others and now I feel that I need reassurance of my own. Thanks again for your words. I will definately be reading all of the posts that I get and I'm sure will do the right thing for all involved. Thanks again.

[kbhlmh]

I am sorry you are going through this and I don't have much advice other than to do what you feel is best for you. I also wanted to let you know that I had a perfectly healthy baby at 44 but I do suggest that you do early testing so that you can make an informed decision on what you should or shouldn't do. Best of luck to you!

[Babidol]

I am so sorry for all of the upheaval you and your son are experiencing. I too feel its a very personal decision. One in which you should sit down and really think about the pros and cons to another child. With your son not having a living father you won't be around forever. I think knowing he has a sibling might give you some peace. I also don't think you should let your in laws choose your path. I know you've had them in your life for a long time but it sounds like your husband was sick. This wasn't your fault and you shouldn't ever blame yourself. Sometimes we just have to ignore others. I hope you can find peace in whatever decision you choose.

[cperry78]

This is so tough. You have so much going on already, and I am so sorry to hear of your husband's death, no matter what the circumstances were with your relationship at the time, I'm sure that was a terrible loss for you and your DS. I'm lifting you up to my prayer group at my church, and want you to know that we will all be thinking and praying for you. Maybe this unborn baby has been sent to fill a void for you and your son. Please PM me if you need someone to talk to.

[hotpinkmomma0811]

I am not having anymore kids and I am younger than 35- popping but, I will be praying for your situation and thinking of you. - Not sure if you are religious or not- not trying to push that at all just keeping you in mind. I would advise to seek counseling for pregnancy for your options. As far as your son having AS- I grew up with mild AS and that will continue to get better with supportive services like therapy.

[NIKKI1313]

Thank you, all, for the comments and support. I can tell you that I am still unsure as to what I am going to do. I start all the testing this week. Maybe once that starts and I get some kind of reassurance that the baby is okay, maybe that will make me feel better. I just know that this is a child and whether it makes sense to me or not, I was given this to deal with. Maybe there is a reason. I will continue to post as my journey continues. I will keep you all informed and thanks again for the comments and support.

[kbhlmh]

Good luck!

[liontamer]

just wanted to give . you're in my thoughts and prayers.

[NIKKI1313]

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers while I was in my time of need. I finally made a decision and chose to terminate my pregnancy. I felt it best for me and my special needs child. So thank you everyone and take care. This forum really helped me.

[kbhlmh]

(((hugs)))

[mla]

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers while I was in my time of need. I finally made a decision and chose to terminate my pregnancy. I felt it best for me and my special needs child. So thank you everyone and take care. This forum really helped me.

I'm glad you've made a decision that works for you.